DH deosn't want me to work!!

[loopydoo]

I found a great job in a school yesterday so was going to apply today, as it's school hours and in term time only (very rare) however, DH just went off on one saying I need to be here at home for the kids and to do the house stuff I've been doing for the last 12 years!!!

I just wrote down all the stuff I do and the stuff he does.
Of course, he tells me 'he earns the money' and I just stay at home. He also says that when he's at work, I should be doing 12 hours of housework and not go for coffee with friends etc.

It's made me realise it's like living in the 1950s and he basically likes me being a housewife/slave.

I'm educated and have a good degree but stopped worked only a few years after uni to have DD. I know I need more in my life than just housework and this type of job with great hrs (so no childcare needed) don't come up often.

This is my list.....

Empty/load dishwasher
Wash up pans etc
Washing
Ironing
Hang wash on line/dryer/bring it in
Vacuuming
Cleaning bathroom
Cleaning Loo
Dust everywhere
Tidy bedrooms
Make beds
Change bed linen
Mop hard floors
Plan Meals
Do food shop
Cook meals
Plan and make kids packed lunches
Make DH's sandwiches
Organise everything for school bags
Empty school bags and action paperwork
Do reading books
Plan and help with kids homework
Record my spending on money spread sheet
Clean oven
Clean cupboards
Clean fridge
Take/collect kids to/from clubs
Plan/buy all family bday/xmas presents/cards

This is his list...

Wash cars occasionally/take to car wash
DIY occasionally when necessary
Cuts grass
Takes ds to swimming lesson every other week

That's it - literally! When he gets back from work (yes, it's a very stressful job), he watches tv and then goes to bed roughly same time as kids (9-ish). At weekends, he doesn't want to get involved and if I mention going for a family walk, he goes off on one!

Any ideas as to how to increase his involvement with everything?

If he earns a high salary tell him (not ask, by the way) that you'll be applying for the job, and he needs to do more, or hire a cleaner (which he can sort out too)

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Oh, I'm married to one of those too - stressful job, earns loads, doesn't think he needs to do anything else. And he's tight too - used to give me a monthly allowance. So I got a job and got a cleaner (which I pay for). I didn't want to become his 1950s little wifey either. It's just not healthy in this day and age - if you have a degree and want to work you should be entitled to. But I have found I still do everything on your list despite telling him he needs to do more, so be warned!

The money is both of ours (although he reminds me who earns it) and I can spend what I want. If I forget to put a receipt on the spread sheet, he goes loopy!

If I mention that we should could share work at the weekends, he clearly states that as I'm a SAHM, then all the housework should be able to completed in my week days. I tell him that PE kits and school uniforms/work shirts all have to be done at weekends.

My husband also likes the fact that I don't work however he does not expect me to do 12 hours of housework a day (probably would be peeved if I did nothing at all though) certainly doesn't mind that I meet friends for coffee or lunch and would support me if I decided to get a job. your dh's attitude does sound rather old fashioned. apply for the job and see what happens then take it from there

He sounds horrible :( Why are you with this man when he doesn't seem invested in you or your children (or family life generally)?

But do take the job, for sure. If he rants tell him you can afford a cleaner. Point out that you have the right to focus on your career too, just as he has.

And if he shouts and rants you need to tell him to stop shouting. Calmly and clearly. If he keeps shouting tell him, 'I am not listening to this,' and walk away. He is not your master.

So who cooks, deals with the children, does general cleaning, laundry, etc at weekends?

You do need to strike.

And him reminding you of who earns the money is abusive. He doesn't want you to work because he'll lose that form of control over you.

That's the thing Minko - until recently I was studying full time and he moaned because he had to iron 5 shirts on a Sunday in front of the TV! Everything on the list, I still did!

He doesn't tell me what to buy/not to buy - he does inform me what's in the account (I know this anyway as I also have joint control of bills/finances).

How stifling and tedious.

I'm always surprised to hear men like this are still around.

Please apply for the job!

Minko why are you still with your 'D'H? Genuine question. Because it does sound a bit like he's ignoring your reasonable requests and treating you with contempt.

Lweji I do everything at weekends other than the jobs on his list - I'm crap at DIY and I refuse to grass cut other than occasionally as I believe he does diddly squat as it is. He did recently say he doesn't know why I can't get the grass cut in the week too.

I f I suggest he helps more at the weekend, he says he's been at work all week (implying I haven't)

He sounds quite horrible, I have to say.

DH just sort of assumed I'd stay at home when we got married to support his stressful job. Then he assumed that when we moved and I couldn't continue with the job I'd gone back to after ML I'd stay at home. I don't mind doing more around the house than he does because I'm around more but co-parenting is non negotiable and he had a sharp shock last Sunday night when his shirts hasn't been laundered because he hadn't done them. If they go int he wash in the week I'll do it but I'm not chasing after him at weekends like his mother does for his father

You have to apply for this job. Please please do it.

I doubt very much that he actually wants to be accused of being sexist or controlling. i doubt he believes that this about himself and having it pointed out will probably make him think twice.

As far as he is concerned his objections are justified and he fears change. he doesn't want his role as provider to be undermined and he doesn't want other men to question his masculinity and his ability to provide.

Obviously this is all stupid bullshit, and he doesn't actually realise these are his feelings. But it stems from these inherent beliefs. So he is coming up with all kinds of excuses as to why it makes no sense for you to work. it all comes from his fear of losing that place he has as a man. And obviously you are able to refute each and every one.

he is projecting his fear on to you. I doubt he will realise it is fear.

You are an educated woman and should be able to have this conversation with him (if he is reasonable).

In some cases you will be able to point out this stuff and almost show you understand his fears, but allow him to let go of them. This is the best scenario.

At worst, your husband is a bully and will never let you do what you want. if that is the case, leave. but with normal, caring and loving husband, you should be able to discuss these issues in a reasonable way.

I have dealt with some of this myself and it is the easy path to just sit back and say - "maybe my time will come" or "when the kids are older". But he will come up with more excuses when that day comes.

This is a test of your husbands ability to recognise your needs and to encourage and support you in the changes you need to make to fulfil your career aspirations (after all, you have supported him for 12 years). How he reacts now is going to be the make or the break in your relationship and he needs to think very very carefully.

Maybe you should just stop for a week.

There must be something you get out of your relationship.. I'm assuming he has loads of good points. I don't think you can ever change a person but I couldn't live in spreadsheet land with no social life :(

Yeah yeah, blah blah Funnyrunner. I just do what I can to survive and be happy in my own right. My husband is a bit screwed up but he has many positive sides too!

He's having a fit because his cushy lifestyle is threatened.

What reasonable person would object to you applying?!
It's not certain that you'd get the job, or even be asked for interview. Why kick up a stink at the first sniff of change? It's not HIS life, it's yours.

Please do it. For you.

You should really stop working during the week at least for a couple of weeks, so that he realises the work you actually do. :)
No laundry, no cleaning, all take aways/ready meals and go out every night.

Declare you're having a holiday. I'm sure he has at least 4 weeks, and I bet you still do everything during that time.

good Lord, he sounds dreadful. What exactly, besides money, does he bring to your family?

His positive sides are that he loves us, when he's not grumpy (most of the time) he is really funny and cracks me up laughing, he is a good man in a storm and I do love him (well, the nice bits anyway).

we don't have a social life - he is a bit of a loner and doesn't really drink much so never goes to the pub. We have friends but they are mainly my friends and he is acquaintances with their partners.

I don't see why he has an issue with you working, but please don't assume he will change if you do get this job. I work part time and do all your list - but there are ways to help. I have a cleaner, and use on line grocery shopping delivered in the evenings. Life is manic as a working mum and sometimes I wonder whether we would all feel more relaxed if I quit and had more time to sort myself out and the rest of the family. However I think I would end up resenting my husband and would feel an odd power shift in our relationship. We started as equals and I don't want that to change. I always think those who have quit work must have way more faith in their relationship/ happy to be dependent than I could ever be.

It does need to be discussed as you working will bring a lot more stress to the household.

and for you.

Even if you only wanted the job to pay for a sodding cleaner - it's better than being stuck at home expected to do 12 hours of cleaning yourself WTAF??? The point is it's YOUR choice, not his.

You know if you take the job then he'll make you suffer for it? You won't be able to mention being tired, too busy or god forbid ask him to pull his lazy arsed finger out. You'll be shot down with 'I told you not to work'

Honestly apply for the job and I hope you get it - it could provide an exit fund when you have enough of his selfish, sexist, 1950's bullshit.

He is a twat.

My DH works long hours and earns very good money but still comes home and bathes the children, reads to them, gets up with them at the weekends, unloads and dishwasher and all other normal domestic activities.

I couldn't tolerate being treated with the level of contempt that he shows you, really couldn't.

Definitely get the job, because at least then you have a little independence.

It does worry me that he isn't like my friends' husbands - who offer to take kids out to park or suggest going to do stuff as a family at the weekend - everything to him seems like a chore.

I think he either depressed or has SAD or is bipolar 2 perhaps....but he would never speak to the GP about it and defo wouldn't take medication.