DH deosn't want me to work!!

[loopydoo]

I found a great job in a school yesterday so was going to apply today, as it's school hours and in term time only (very rare) however, DH just went off on one saying I need to be here at home for the kids and to do the house stuff I've been doing for the last 12 years!!!

I just wrote down all the stuff I do and the stuff he does.
Of course, he tells me 'he earns the money' and I just stay at home. He also says that when he's at work, I should be doing 12 hours of housework and not go for coffee with friends etc.

It's made me realise it's like living in the 1950s and he basically likes me being a housewife/slave.

I'm educated and have a good degree but stopped worked only a few years after uni to have DD. I know I need more in my life than just housework and this type of job with great hrs (so no childcare needed) don't come up often.

This is my list.....

Empty/load dishwasher
Wash up pans etc
Washing
Ironing
Hang wash on line/dryer/bring it in
Vacuuming
Cleaning bathroom
Cleaning Loo
Dust everywhere
Tidy bedrooms
Make beds
Change bed linen
Mop hard floors
Plan Meals
Do food shop
Cook meals
Plan and make kids packed lunches
Make DH's sandwiches
Organise everything for school bags
Empty school bags and action paperwork
Do reading books
Plan and help with kids homework
Record my spending on money spread sheet
Clean oven
Clean cupboards
Clean fridge
Take/collect kids to/from clubs
Plan/buy all family bday/xmas presents/cards

This is his list...

Wash cars occasionally/take to car wash
DIY occasionally when necessary
Cuts grass
Takes ds to swimming lesson every other week

That's it - literally! When he gets back from work (yes, it's a very stressful job), he watches tv and then goes to bed roughly same time as kids (9-ish). At weekends, he doesn't want to get involved and if I mention going for a family walk, he goes off on one!

Any ideas as to how to increase his involvement with everything?

Your dh should go and fuck himself.
That is my advice.
You are a person in your own right and if you want to work that is exactly what you should do.

Thanks for your replies everyone - so I had news back from school stating the working hours and it sadly won't be doable without childcare (I don't want to rely on people to collect them so have decided not to apply).

However, we did kind of have a chat - albeit that I had to keep reminding him not to shout at me and get worked up.

It seems he believes he didn't mean he didn't want me to work; just not at the moment. He thinks that while he has tricky stuff going on at work and whilst he's feeling down and perhaps depressed, that it would be great to have my support at home.

I had PND after dd1 and he said he supported me fully (which he did) and never moaned about it. That's true but I'm not stating he has to help more at home; I just want him to take off some pressure at weekends by co-parenting more.

Anyway - I said I'd like an apology for swearing/shouting me down and he did apologise.

He has just left a long term vocation and started his new job so he's still learning the way everything is done. He is stressed because he's a perfectionist and wants to be 100% straight away so I think that's why he's a bit down at the moment.

For the record, he doesn't monitor what I spend; I just said he makes sure it all goes on the spread sheet; and to be fair, it does mean that we are never overdrawn/always know what's in the accounts etc. We do budget well and he has never said I couldn't have something (tbh, I'd never ask him in that way).

He doesn't mind that I do volunteering so I'm looking into that again and tbh, I do enjoy being a mum who can look after the house and take/collect the kids from school - it's just the balance and family time that I want changing.

Anyway - thanks every one once again for so many good suggestions/explanations of his personality that I perhaps needed.
I do love him and I know he loves us; I will work at it and see how I go. I'm not thinking about leaving him; I don't get defeated easily and I'm happy with my lot most of the time. Marriage just isn't easy it is !!

Good that you talked OP. But did you ask him about family time / weekend time? And if he is depressed he needs to go to his GP.

I meant marriage isn't easy is it?

We got that OP :) And I agree, it's not always easy. I'm just not convinced it should be as hard as you make it sound.

He said he didn't force me to go to the GP. Yes, I mentioned family time....said let's more family stuff like other families do at the weekend. He said that whatever he suggests I say no to! Not true.

He also says we don't have to go on family walks just because I used to as a child (wtf?). Walking is good for us and it's nice to tootle off on walks - he apparently doesn't think so. He said let's ask the kids what they want to do and do that.....so that's sitting in front of the tv all weekend .

Perhaps it's a midlife crisis type thing - he looks so blinkin' grumpy and frowny the whole time.

"Marriage just isn't easy it is !!"

Mine is.

But then I'm not married to a controlling bully who thinks he's my boss.

OP, remember that you have just as much right to be happy as he does and, if he keeps shouting your suggestions down, ask him why he thinks his opinion is more important than yours.

He doesn't like going for walks. You don't like sitting in all weekend. The obvious compromise is stay in Saturday, go out Sunday. Why does he get what he wants both days?

Good point doctrine - I will suggest that.

Being married to him doesn't sound easy, no.

He doesn't mind that I do volunteering

Well, isn't that kind of him? I guess volunteering wouldn't in any way empower you financially, so he feels safe 'allowing' you to do that.

OP - you do realise that as an equal adult, you do not require your husband's permission to be economically active?

It is sad that you find your marriage so hard, please take care of yourself, it seems that he is grinding you down, you sound like it is all such an effort and it really shouldn't be.

I think he doesn't mind because he knows how much I enjoy volunteering in the area of what I do. There aren't many paid jobs in that area but my training seems a waste if I don't carry on - I love it and it really helps others.

As long as it doesn't interfere with the family, he's fine with me doing that and not actually being paid. I don't it's a way of disempowering me - not sure he'd even think of that tbh.

Oh dear. Look, you really do need to get some financial independence from this man. His attitude towards you is not normal but sadly all too common.

Stop writing lists and start filling out that application!

If he wants a domestic servant at home doing the drudgery then fair enough. He can pay for a cleaner and use a shirt service. You are not a maid.

Good luck with the job :)

Marriage to someone who needed reminding not to shout me down would be very hard because I would've packed his bags long ago.

Just seen you're not applying. What a shame. Having a childminder or similar do pick ups won't be the end of the world.

I hope that you made your choice freely.

Please, while you are opening up to each other and sorting things out, let him know that him shouting at you, for whatever reason, is completely unacceptable.

Marriage to someone who expected me to do housework for 12 hours a day and never go out at the weekends wouldn't really have happened, no.

You are allowed to have a life, you know. You are allowed to do things that aren't just about shoring him up. If he is unhappy and/or depressed, you don't have to 'solve' him: support him, perhaps (most MNers would say definitely) but not solve it. You don't have to give up everything else just to be his helpmeet.

What he does at the weekends interferes with family, though, in that he doesn't want to do things together...

Also, what kind of house requires 12 hours of housework a day?!

As long as it doesn't interfere with the family, he's fine with me doing that and not actually being paid.

How staggeringly Victorian of him.

He plays virtually no part in your family life anyway, so what the fuck's it to him whether you take a term-time job, do volunteering, or not? Why have you got to be at home to support him because of his alleged depression? Having a SAH partner is not a recognised treatment for depression, it's an excuse designed to guilt you into not asserting your independence.

What practical support did he give whilst you had PND? 'Not moaning about it' doesn't count.

I don't understand your references to money. You have a spreadsheet where every penny is accounted for, so sort of normal... If you filled the car up on a diff day would he question it. Would he ask where you were? There's stuff re finances that don't feel right here. I don't want to scream abuse but you are accepting a designed normal to my mind, not what is actually normal.

Apply for the job and make sure you get it. You will be amazed to find out that if you don't spend 12 hours a day being a housemaid things will still be able to function in much less time.

p.s tell him to make his own sandwiches.

You could look into childcare? I'm assuming that it wouldn't be for hours a day

this happened to a friend of mine her dh did not want her to return to work, kept doing things to make life hard for her like coming home late so she would be late for work etc

in the end she left him,
he now works ft still has the whole house to run by himself and has the kids 50% of the time

bet he wishes he had not made it so hard for her to go back to work

hes all depressed and on hs own

shes in ahppy new relationship