DH deosn't want me to work!!

[loopydoo]

I found a great job in a school yesterday so was going to apply today, as it's school hours and in term time only (very rare) however, DH just went off on one saying I need to be here at home for the kids and to do the house stuff I've been doing for the last 12 years!!!

I just wrote down all the stuff I do and the stuff he does.
Of course, he tells me 'he earns the money' and I just stay at home. He also says that when he's at work, I should be doing 12 hours of housework and not go for coffee with friends etc.

It's made me realise it's like living in the 1950s and he basically likes me being a housewife/slave.

I'm educated and have a good degree but stopped worked only a few years after uni to have DD. I know I need more in my life than just housework and this type of job with great hrs (so no childcare needed) don't come up often.

This is my list.....

Empty/load dishwasher
Wash up pans etc
Washing
Ironing
Hang wash on line/dryer/bring it in
Vacuuming
Cleaning bathroom
Cleaning Loo
Dust everywhere
Tidy bedrooms
Make beds
Change bed linen
Mop hard floors
Plan Meals
Do food shop
Cook meals
Plan and make kids packed lunches
Make DH's sandwiches
Organise everything for school bags
Empty school bags and action paperwork
Do reading books
Plan and help with kids homework
Record my spending on money spread sheet
Clean oven
Clean cupboards
Clean fridge
Take/collect kids to/from clubs
Plan/buy all family bday/xmas presents/cards

This is his list...

Wash cars occasionally/take to car wash
DIY occasionally when necessary
Cuts grass
Takes ds to swimming lesson every other week

That's it - literally! When he gets back from work (yes, it's a very stressful job), he watches tv and then goes to bed roughly same time as kids (9-ish). At weekends, he doesn't want to get involved and if I mention going for a family walk, he goes off on one!

Any ideas as to how to increase his involvement with everything?

OP do you feel happy generally in this relationship? Do you feel loved and respected?

OP, you sound soooo defeated.

Even more so as the thread has gone on and you're trying to put a barve face on it.

I've got to tell you that my DH does a high pressure/high demand job. It pays for everyhting I could ever want in life, but he would never ever expect me do all the housework (he has no intention of doing any so we employ help). He would never ever expect me not to work and has supported me in all manner of mad cap ideas .

I know lots of women whose husbands earn huge sums and don't know anyone treated like you.

Please please don't think what he's doing to you is normal. Please please don't think it's okay. Please please don't think you're not worth the same as the rst of us.

Also, what do your DC make of having a fathter who is clearly uninterested in them? .

DH has very little free time, but what he does have is spent with either DC (cycling, walking the dog, watching footie, chatting shit) or me, going out together.

Please please don't think his lack of interest is normal. Please please don't think it's okay. Please please don't think you're DC are not worth it.

I can't believe you have talked yourself out of even applying for a school-hours only job - one which I would guess is well below your abilities anyway. I would suggest you think about what living with someone who puts your needs and wishes last may have done to your self-esteem over the years. My DSis did this - wibbled for years and years about returning to the workplace post kids 'oh but what will I do for childcare, oh but it's not exactly right next to my house, oh but they don't pay enough even though my skills are rusty' - finally after 7 years she has a job in her field and I can't describe the massive improvement in her mood (her DH is v. nice and helpful btw). A spreadsheet and receipts for everything when you have plenty of money

You don't need to be at home all day every day to be able to offer you support. Did he stay home all day every day when you had pnd? Or was the support in the evenings after his work? Which you could offer him regardless of whether or not you had a job.

One thing to think about is that you seem to want his permission to get a job. Actually you really do not need that. You have every right to do what you want to do without permission from anyone. Its not like its going to affect him in any real way anyway so its non of his business.

The childcare would only be for a tiny bit before and after school i assume? So they could go to the schools breakfast club?

School hour jobs are extremely hard to come by. If you let this one go it could be years before you find another, which i suspect is what your dh is banking on.

Where is the voluntary work?

The not wanting you to go for a coffee during the day makes the whole thing sound a lot more sinister. You do not need his permission to go for a coffee. He is not your boss.

As for the family walks, its clearly something which you want to do so do it! Again, you don't need his permission. Go for a walk with your children. You appear to be concerned about their sedentary lifestyle at weekends so do something about it. You have the right to make these choices for your children.

I meant to add my DH insisted I go back to the job I love post DC even though it involves him in some extra chores and some very early mornings - he said I am much happier working. At least he notices/cares!

Er.... You are altering what is important to you to do something important to him. This far I'm seeing you alter every item to what you think he wants, might like to do. Inc the kids, assuming everyone's needs come before you.

I agree.

When I separated from exH, it was a traumatic time for DS. Major upheaval.

He still went to school and I still went to work. He stayed with my parents after school.
DS had been in a new school for 6 months, after moving country.

He's fine.

I'm sure your children will cope with childcare if they can cope with school.
It looks like your H is probably doing more damage to the family (stuck at home at weekends and bad temper) than you can possibly do by working.
Your children at least need you to take more control and not allow their dad's moods to affect their childhood.

Why should the playpark & board games "have to suffice for now"?? Just because he wants to watch TV & doesn't want you to leave the house? Why are you letting this man dictate the freedom of you & your kids. I'm not surprised your kids are having emotional issues, they must be climbing the walls with boredom & frustration.

This

So sad

Fuck the fuck where is bloody anyfucker?!? Lol

Sorry minor derailment....

Try a book. Terri Hatcher (yes Jane off superman) wrote a book called "burnt toast". Her auto biog. you sound a burnt toast type. You will butter it enough til you believe you like burnt toast. You will eat it enough til you tell people you like it. You will cook everyone's toast normally, but then eat burnt. And then argue you prefer it that way!

When did you last do something as a family you wanted? Or eat perfect toast?

If you work school hours, so presumably shorter hours than he does, and you get a cleaner in to make up the housework, then why on earth would your working mean he didn't get your support at home?? Why is it comforting for him to know that you are stuck in the bloody house feeling like you can't go out for coffee at a time when he's not even there?

(You are not seriously insinuating that nobody has been helpful to the OP out of the hundreds of post on this thread, Minni? Is that not rather insulting?)

And bollocks to applying for something 'after Christmas' you know damn well that kind of term time job is like hens teeth.

He knows it too, and is effectivley saying yeah yeah blah blah and thinking 'back in your box, woman'

Quints no I'm not. This is a stealthy thread by many people. Just the brouhaha is frankly very recent. And she sometimes made a very pithy statement.

It was a joke. It bombed apparently. Thems the breaks.....

There is no reasonable reason whatsoever for him to forbid you from going for coffee. There is absolutely no explanation for that which means he isn't an arsehole.

Apply for that job, you need the confidence boost and some financial independence. It's too vulnerable position to be in, especially when married to a high earning controlling big shot. Seriously. My biggest regret in life is giving up a well paid career to be a home body dogs body. I gave up everything for my DH, then he had an affair. How stupid do I feel now....

Don't be me. Work. Get a cleaner.

God this thread is depressing! Why are you using childcare as an excuse not to apply for the job when it's school hours and term time only? Makes no sense.

Oh, and bipolar 2 my arse. Bipolar is a serious mental illness that impacts severely on ability to function. Selfish, entitled wanker more like.

Are you really happy in your life with him OP? Really?

I am another one who is depressed about this thread. How can a DH be so callous in not making any effort at the weekends to do what his DW likes doing? How can he selfishly have two lie ins when she doesn't get one?

I know the working thing is hard with small DC but there is so much he could be doing to support his family that he isn't doing.

He isn't showing love or respect to you OP at the moment.

Please apply for that job!

Please take your kids on a long walk through the woods today, jumping in the mud in wellies and thoroughly enjoying every minute.

Go for a coffee WHENEVER you feeling it.

12 hours of housework?! Even in a massive house you don't need 12 hours of housework.

Go and get a job....this is your life and it is t a dress rehearsal.

I think he likes you being at home and not doing a proper job. That way he can claim both the lie ins as the "worker", can excuse sitting on his arse all weekend, can make all the decisions like what activities you all do on weekends and whether you are allowed out for coffee, he doesn't have to do anything around the house and has a maid to care for his every need.

You do know don't you, that if he does have a mh issue like depression or something, it doesn't help him at all to be pandering to him and these whims of his about you not working, not going for coffee or walks. It doesn't help at all. You might think you are caring for him but you are enabling him.

If you do want you want to do and he doesn't like it and he gets left at home at the weekend because the rest of you have gone for a walk, then it might eventually prompt him to get help for his issues. At the moment he has pulled you into his depression and is making you live the same dreary life he feels like right now.

Enabling never helps. Ever.

You need to start living your life and kicking some arse!

Also, i know what its like to live with someone with untreated depression. If i had posted on here about my dhs behaviour at that time i would have been told he was an arsehole. Who knows if your dh is an arsehole or if he has similar issues. The point is that although you can support him you can't make him better. You not going for coffee or working or walking won't make him worse. You have no control over that, although it wouldn't surprise me if he has made you feel that you do.

In the end i had to make a decision to live my life. I threatened him with telling his dad that he was depressed, something that horrified him as he is very private and there is mh stigma amongst his family. His choices were that either he moved out as it wasn't fair on our children and i would tell his dad why or he got help.

Le chose to get help and is a different man on medication.

I also asked earlier if when he supported you when you had pnd, if this meant that he stayed home to do so all day every day? Did he take over all the house work or were you still expected to do it? When you say he supported you, how do you actually mean?

Apply for the job, that's your decision, not his.

We had similar problems for a while. We're in that horrible position where we could use a second wage, but the cost of childcare makes it pointless. So I'm studying for my degree and do a little freelance work from home. But DP saw it as "you're at home all day, you should do the housework". I do the lion's share, but I made a point of telling him (not asking!) that I would also have a clocking off time, and holidays.

It took him a while to get used to it, but now we have a fairly even split. I finish my work at 9 (uni, freelance and housework) so he has some time to wind down after work, and I have regular days out/nights out/weekends away, just like he does.

His work and wishes are allowed to impact on the family but yours aren't?

If the job is so stressful all the time that he can't function in the family then he shouldn't be doing it. I am a high earner with a stressful job whereas DH works for himself in a more flexible role. Occasionally I work all night or weekends but I try to minimise the impact on the family. I don't expect family life to revolve around my job. I think you've bought into his version of events i.e. his job is so hard and so stressful that he gets a free pass in everything else. Let me tell you a blunt truth - he does the job because he loves it not because he has to and he is cleverly using it to get out of the stuff he doesn't like doing. He gets to do the job he loves and you get left with the shitwork - Result!

He sounds like a controlling oathe!
Go an apply for the job, leave him to some of the chores. It's sounds like it's time he woke up from the 1950's and entered 2013!!!

God, this thread is depressing.