DH deosn't want me to work!!

[loopydoo]

I found a great job in a school yesterday so was going to apply today, as it's school hours and in term time only (very rare) however, DH just went off on one saying I need to be here at home for the kids and to do the house stuff I've been doing for the last 12 years!!!

I just wrote down all the stuff I do and the stuff he does.
Of course, he tells me 'he earns the money' and I just stay at home. He also says that when he's at work, I should be doing 12 hours of housework and not go for coffee with friends etc.

It's made me realise it's like living in the 1950s and he basically likes me being a housewife/slave.

I'm educated and have a good degree but stopped worked only a few years after uni to have DD. I know I need more in my life than just housework and this type of job with great hrs (so no childcare needed) don't come up often.

This is my list.....

Empty/load dishwasher
Wash up pans etc
Washing
Ironing
Hang wash on line/dryer/bring it in
Vacuuming
Cleaning bathroom
Cleaning Loo
Dust everywhere
Tidy bedrooms
Make beds
Change bed linen
Mop hard floors
Plan Meals
Do food shop
Cook meals
Plan and make kids packed lunches
Make DH's sandwiches
Organise everything for school bags
Empty school bags and action paperwork
Do reading books
Plan and help with kids homework
Record my spending on money spread sheet
Clean oven
Clean cupboards
Clean fridge
Take/collect kids to/from clubs
Plan/buy all family bday/xmas presents/cards

This is his list...

Wash cars occasionally/take to car wash
DIY occasionally when necessary
Cuts grass
Takes ds to swimming lesson every other week

That's it - literally! When he gets back from work (yes, it's a very stressful job), he watches tv and then goes to bed roughly same time as kids (9-ish). At weekends, he doesn't want to get involved and if I mention going for a family walk, he goes off on one!

Any ideas as to how to increase his involvement with everything?

[MrsOakenshield]

'walking on eggshells'.

That is no basis for a marriage, or indeed any kind of relationship.

My dad had a hair-trigger temper. I have always felt that my mum did not protect us from it and sometimes weighed in too. I often wonder why the hell she stuck with him (he's dead now). I love my mum but I don't think I can forget that she allowed him to take his temper out on us as children, shout at us and be very bloody minded on occasion and have us all dancing to his tune. I love her but don't respect her as a parent of a child, if that makes sense.

Please don't be that woman. Your children will be observing and learning from your (both of you) behaviour and relationship. Do you want your son to turn out like his father, and treat his partner like this? Do you want your daughter to end up with a man who treats her as you are treated?

[motherinferior]

We shout all the time.

We still quite respect each other.

[thecook]

This is one of the saddest threads on Mumsnet.

So you have been a SAHM for years? The longer you are out of employment the harder it is going to be to get back in to work. I had a gaping gap on my CV due to illness. It was only when I got creative that I found work. My CV would win the Booker prize! Employers don't give a shiny shit about voluntary work, PTA etc. I would apply for that job. Please don't use excuses such as childcare. Just apply for it!

You say you your husband earns a good salary and you have to enter your expenditure onto a spreadsheet??????????????????????? Never heard of this until I came onto Mumsnet. He gets angry when you forget to enter a receipt? Does that mean when you go into the corner shop to buy a pint of milk you have to ask for a receipt? God he treats you like a child. I would ram the receipts where the sun don't shine.

[Lweji]

A couple can be shouty, but still respectful.
You can have an increase in tension, get into a short shouting match, go away have a little think and find a middle ground and make up.
Shouting to shut the other person up when they are calm and blame it on the other person is not ok. At all.

So, there is no affection, no intimacy, no respect.

What exactly does this man bring to this marriage?

You want to keep it because you have invested a lot on it, you have given up your career, your course, for the family. Not for your children, but because of him because he won't support you.

Is he prepared to give up anything for you? Anything at all?

This is not a marriage, sorry. It's his kingdom, and you are his subjects.
Can you see that?

It might do you good to go for counselling, because, as many of us you think you are in control. That you can control him. You can modify yourself and make it better. You are too proud to say you have failed.
You haven't failed. It takes two in a marriage. He has failed miserably.
You invested a lot, but you are losing in this investment.

You are now throwing money after bad money. The more you throw in, the more you invest the more you lose.

Just cut your losses short and walk away. He can suddenly realise what he's missing and turn himself into a good investment (doubt it, but it's possible). I very much doubt it will be better until you are prepared to leave, and not return until he has shown to be deeply changed.

If he doesn't change, at least you can move on with your life and stop wasting time with this nasty man. You can build up a happy life alone with the children or find someone you can have a good relationship with.

There's a world of possibilities, but not with this man, not as it stands.

Find your inner assertiveness, tell him it's make or break, and see how he responds.
But I share the same sentiment as another poster that he could become dangerous. If he does, play it cool, as if you've given up. Get as much support as you can, then leave without telling him.

We'll still be here.

[foreverondiet]

I have quite a few friends whose partners have very well paid jobs and don't want to clean the house etc at the weekends, and fair enough why should they? If I was that well paid I wouldn't want to clean either. I think it works best if there is sufficient paid help that the wife doesn't do much cleaning either. If he earns that much then he can pay for cleaning support - why should you do it? Emotional abuse to say you should work rather than clean!

I do more house stuff than my DH as I work part time, but he would never watch TV while I clean up after dinner, we would do together. I do tidy up on Sunday but he helps kids with homework and taking to parties, and I always go the gym and leave him in with the kids.

Out of your list here are the things that probably can't be delegated to cleaner - and considering you would be working less hours the kids stuff after school is fair enough - although some should be shared at weekends.

Plan Meals
Do food shop (could do online so doesn't take long)
Cook meals
Plan and make kids packed lunches
Organise everything for school bags
Empty school bags and action paperwork
Do reading books (at weekend should be joint effort)
Plan and help with kids homework (at weekend should be joint effort)
Record my spending on money spread sheet (does he sort out bills?)
Take/collect kids to/from clubs (at weekend should be joint effort)
Plan/buy all family bday/xmas presents/cards

[Lizzabadger]

How about talking things through with Women's Aid?

[JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice]

So he blames you for his shouting by saying that's what you wanted? So you can't express yourself and have to tred on egg shells as otherwise he shouts and you're responsibile? How exhausting!

I understand that you gave up your course because it was too much on top of wanting to give lots of your time to your children. But do you think if he had been more supportive and had helped around the home, spent quality time with the children then things would have been different?

At the moment you are doing it all alone. (except you have a shouty pain in the arse living in your house putting a damper on everyone's fun and lives)

[TheCrackFoxFucker]

Such a sad thread.

[HollaAtMeBaby]

He's not depressed. He's just a cunt.

Does the fact that nobody except you likes him (you said he has no friends and you don't socialise as a couple) not raise any red flags?

[wordyBird]

This is very sad.
each time something happens, I get over it and start again - like it's a new day. It does wear me down but I don't want to give up on my marriage.

His behaviour isn't going to stop, loopy. You will get over it, start again, then it will happen again, you get over it, it happens again.... with behaviour like this, there is no point at which it stops. If anything, it's likely to get worse.

You mentioned seeing a marriage counsellor. Please do go if you can, on your own - not with DH. It might help you to talk face to face with someone.

[GuybrushThreepwoodMP]

OP what you describe is at best a man who doesn't love or respect you and at worst abuse. The fact that he shouts means that you will never get what you want because you would rather avoid the argument. You are frightened of his reaction.
And the fact that he turns it around to suggest that you have caused it, quite frankly, is gaslighting.
I am worried for you. These cases often become very frightening to read when the woman begins to assert herself and the man begins to feel he is losing control of her.
I am worried for you.
What do you want here? What would make YOU happy OP?

[TheDoctrineOfAnyFucker]

What if you said "I won't speak to you when you are shouting" and walked off?

[morethanpotatoprints]

OMG OP.

Both me and my dh are traditional types and believed for us one/both of us should be around for kids/housework etc.
I decided it should be me and dh backed me up, its how we work and its best for us.

I have told you this because I don't know a more old fashioned couple who aren't in old age.

Neither of us would ever dream of telling the other what they could or couldn't do in terms of working. We have made the choices together and nobody has the right to dictate what you do with your life.

[Squitten]

You realise that having a shouty Dad is now normal for your kids too?

How do you think they're going to turn out?

[FreakinRexManningDay]

Sweetie this isn't a marriage,this is one person dominating and emotionally abusing another person. You can't even tell him how he makes you feel without blaming you.

[lovemenot]

I'm so sad for you, you are living your life by his standards.

I have a non-involved, unemotional, shouty, know-it-all, arrogant dh too (although the end of the road is close).

One thing I decided many years ago is that if he did not want to be involved in co-parenting that was his loss. As a result, my dd and I have been to every museum, art gallery, park, playground, city tours, city breaks, holiday without him, we climb mountains, walk piers, we've learnt how to surf, we've ridden horses together, etc etc. Why? Because she deserves a childhood full of happy memories, and I make damn sure she gets it.

[loopydoo]

I brought the shouting thing up with him this morning and he said why did I bring it up again - "you wanted an argument and now you've got one" - that's something he says a lot - that I want to argue and want to have arguments...the truth is, that I don't want to argue because he is so shouty. I'm not sure he knows what an argument actually is...he thinks it's when he shouts....when actually, I'm not arguing back. I tried chatting in a normal, quiet voice but to no avail - her just flew up from 0-10 in a second.

I do feel like I'm walking on eggshells to keep him happy - not something I ever did before we had kids. His previous job was way more than a job - it was a true vocation and lifestyle and one which I followed him and looked after the kids. I loved the life too and the benefits of readymade friends that came with it and I'm missing that too (although I do have lots of friends where we live now).

I don't want to discuss the 'bedroom' - but he has very little libido and hasn't had for a number of years. That's another reason why I thought it was depression-based.

Anyway - each time something happens, I get over it and start again - like it's a new day. It does wear me down but I don't want to give up on my marriage.

I am assertive out of the home is what I meant before - I try to be assertive at home but he always knows better than me and talks me to another way of thinking.

I do wish he wouldn't shout in front of the kids - but for him, it's normal as his dad was very shouty. My parents (and I'm not exaggerating) never argued or raised their voices in front of us and perhaps that's why I find it so hard to deal with him doing it.

[marriedinwhiteisback]

Oh OP. I hope you look at this.

My DH is a workaholic and has worked 12 hour + days all our married life. I have always taken responsibility for the majority of the domestic and child related stuff to support him.

When our youngest was five and settled at school I got a school hours only part-time job and he was delighted. I then went full-time to take professional qualifications and we got an au-pair - he was delighted and really proud when I achieved them. I now have a middle management professional job which is full time.

I still am responsible for the majority of the domestic stuff (I am out of the house for about four hours a day less than DH) but a lot of stuff is outsourced.

I earn less than 10% of my DH's earnings and I am out of the house from 8.15 until about 6pm every day. And even though many on MNet say I behave like a 50s housewife I have all of the following benefits:

I am independent and could keep myself
I mix with other working people from all walks of life every day and have topics of conversation other than my home and children
I have my own money to spend and not answer for how I spend it
I have my own pension scheme
The DC are actually indpendent and more self sufficient than many of their peers
The DC (18 and 15) have actually said - you're more grounded and normal than a lot of our friends' mum's mum.
I can go out with DH's colleagues and clients and talk about quite purposeful things and sometimes they tap me up for a bit of professional advice.
DH respects me more I think than if I had stayed at home.

It was hard at first because it rocked the DC's status quo a bit but overall I think and they think they have benefitted.

I think that in ten years time OP you might be very happy to have a life outside your home and to have gained sufficient independence to take you through the rest of your life. Your DC won't be dependent on you forever but you can be dependent on yourself and no one else for the rest of your life.

Good luck love and I do understand a little bit not least about the looking after the DH who is stressed a lot of the time and who needs a bit of TLC but you need it too you know.

[AnyBumFuckerPotato]

Good luck loopy. Please address the shouting with him. It's not a good thing for your kids to witness nor you being on the receiving end of it. Decent human beings don't lose the rag and shout on such a regular basis.

[Twinklestein]

If you do ^^ not don't

[Twinklestein]

I totally understand your decision to sign off OP, the thread must be hard to read. Your latest posts break my heart:

Son refuses to go to bed & punches mum. Dad, rather dealing with son & supporting mum, as any normal husband would do, shouts at both (as if mum had done something wrong!) then blames mum for asking for his help earlier in the day, and storms off to bed. Dad clearly has no idea how to deal with children (or indeed his wife).

Later you say: "So apart from shouting tonight, a family row apparently I caused, it was a lovely normal day."

You don't even seem to question your husband's appalling behaviour and meekly accept that you caused the row. Or if don't accept you caused it, you did not take your husband to task for it.

Then you go on to say you're "really quite assertive". I'm sorry hinny but I have seen no evidence of assertiveness in your posts.

Your husband is in no way emotionally normal & this has nothing to do with depression, although he may well be depressed too. It is highly likely that his behaviour is the cause of your children's emotional/behaviour issues. So giving up a uni course to spend more time with them is not going to change anything as long as you tolerate your husband's behaviour. If you don't, your son may continue his father's pattern.

[FreakinRexManningDay]

Hes really done a number on you. You take the blame for him losing his temper. You're grateful that he did what most husbands do regardless. You're trying to convince yourself you're happy.

Do you smile and act happy so that you don't irratate and aggrevate him by being 'moody',so the kids see at least one happy looking parent? I've been there. I was so conditioned by him that I would apologise for things he did because his mood was enough to control me. If he broke a cup I would immediately apologise and clean it up. It was like I was apologising just for existing.

What would happen if you mirrored him,acted just like he does?

[motherinferior]

I would like to point out that a genuinely supportive partner would say: "Congratulations on getting onto your course, darling! That's amazing. Now how are we going to make it work wrt childcare?"

[janey68]

This is the saddest thread I've seen in a long while. OP- you are a person in your own right. What you have sounds like an empty existence- not a life

This may sound harsh, but what will your children gain by Having a mother who is physically there, but is existing as a doormat? These are terrible role models for your children, who are growing up thinking that a husband has all the power and the wife's role is to keep the house spotless and him happy

Even if you don't care for your own sake, think about what message this sends to your children. And please don't make the mistake of thinking you are hiding the worst from them. Children learn by the lives we as parents are living- not by what we tell them

[RabbitFuckerFromAHat]

Marriage is a lot easier when it's not to an entitled knob, OP. This really really isn't normal.