DH deosn't want me to work!!

[loopydoo]

I found a great job in a school yesterday so was going to apply today, as it's school hours and in term time only (very rare) however, DH just went off on one saying I need to be here at home for the kids and to do the house stuff I've been doing for the last 12 years!!!

I just wrote down all the stuff I do and the stuff he does.
Of course, he tells me 'he earns the money' and I just stay at home. He also says that when he's at work, I should be doing 12 hours of housework and not go for coffee with friends etc.

It's made me realise it's like living in the 1950s and he basically likes me being a housewife/slave.

I'm educated and have a good degree but stopped worked only a few years after uni to have DD. I know I need more in my life than just housework and this type of job with great hrs (so no childcare needed) don't come up often.

This is my list.....

Empty/load dishwasher
Wash up pans etc
Washing
Ironing
Hang wash on line/dryer/bring it in
Vacuuming
Cleaning bathroom
Cleaning Loo
Dust everywhere
Tidy bedrooms
Make beds
Change bed linen
Mop hard floors
Plan Meals
Do food shop
Cook meals
Plan and make kids packed lunches
Make DH's sandwiches
Organise everything for school bags
Empty school bags and action paperwork
Do reading books
Plan and help with kids homework
Record my spending on money spread sheet
Clean oven
Clean cupboards
Clean fridge
Take/collect kids to/from clubs
Plan/buy all family bday/xmas presents/cards

This is his list...

Wash cars occasionally/take to car wash
DIY occasionally when necessary
Cuts grass
Takes ds to swimming lesson every other week

That's it - literally! When he gets back from work (yes, it's a very stressful job), he watches tv and then goes to bed roughly same time as kids (9-ish). At weekends, he doesn't want to get involved and if I mention going for a family walk, he goes off on one!

Any ideas as to how to increase his involvement with everything?

Seems there are few things less appreciated than SAHMs. For those happy to do that,, great. For those/you who'd rather be back at work, you should absolutely be able to do that, free of criticism from anyone. Apply,, if he 'goes off on one' do the same yourself. If that doesn't work, or you're afraid to, you seriously need to consider whether your relationship is worth your effort(s).

this won't end well; you will find yourself having this sort of discussion every few months.

I think you know somewhere deep down that this is working controlling; he is starting to show you what he really thinks of you and women in general, i really would pay attention to that.

next time don't ask him. im sure he will find a 'reason' that you can't next time though.

*phone added in working before controlling! it isn't meant to be there yes, i am notoriously terrible with spelling/proof reading and grammar!

To be fair I'm not the family walks type. I do occasionally go for them but it's not my cup of tea. We can have family time with board games, for example, so the key will be finding an activity that the kids will go for and that neither you not your husband hate. Easier said than done!

Good luck :)

The money thing is fine - as I explained - he doesn't tell me what to spend/not spend. He gets cross if I forget to add a receipt amount on there though - but only because it makes it look like we have more than we actually do.

His previous job meant he was responsible every day for people lives and their on going safety so I guess that has been conditioned into him and he does feel better when he's in control of a situation.

It was my own choice not to apply for the job - we have been having issues with the children (emotional) recently so having them in childcare isn't an option for me. They have enough upheaval recently and just settling into new schools/town etc.

Now I've spoken to him, I'll try and be more assertive about family time and try some different ideas; we do like playing board games, going to the play park so that will have to suffice for now.

Perhaps I've been pushing the outdoor lifestyle thing too much - maybe it is about just being together rather than me enforcing specific stuff.

I'll ask them what they want to do tomorrow and go along with it and see if that makes a difference.

Er.... You are altering what is important to you to do something important to him. This far I'm seeing you alter every item to what you think he wants, might like to do. Inc the kids, assuming everyone's needs come before you.

Seriously, read back. I don't think you hear yourself.

How about you going for a walk on Saturdays, maybe including a stop for tea and cake, and quietly inviting the children to go with you if they'd like, or stay behind snd watch the telly with dad if they prefer? I think that after a few weekends, they might start to choose to come with you and see it as a nice chance to be together for a bit of a treat - or to make an active choice to br relaxing with their dad, which is also fine. But for this to work, you need to make it clear to the kids that you're going out for the walk anyway, because you find it enjoyable.

But to me Minnie, the children and family (as a whole) are the most important things to me.

I'm not conceding to only doing his stuff; I just realised that as long as we're spending time together sometimes, and it's stuff I enjoy too, we maybe don't have to go for walks/my type of days out etc.

Perhaps we should all write our own family wishes/family time list - and then take turns picking stuff to do.

My DH would prefer if I didn't work. It's not his decision to make though and although I know his opinion on the issue, he has never tried to enforce that opinion on me by shouting, stonewalling, playing the what about me card or in fact in any way whatsoever.

I work because I want to and he supports me in that (sharing drop off and pick ups, doing housework, etc). He knows that his contribution is going to increase when my maternity leave ends but he enjoys contributing to the family.

I do plenty of things that put me out for him, however. I'm happy to do them as the favours are reciprocated.

It doesn't seem that this is the case in your household.

that sounds prefect Grendelsmum - I will try that

OP, I think you sound perfectly happy with your status quo now you've chatted it through with your DH.

Couple of suggestions...have a mini family conference, which the kids will love. Explain that it would be fun to do more family stuff and ask everyone to make a suggestion. Possibly exclude home screen time from this. Then you take it in turns to choose what things to do. Some will work better than others. Some ideas might include going out for lunch all together (pizza?), swimming, bowling, crazy golf, petting farm, zoo, cinema....everyone gets a turn to choose. Once a week is enough. Maybe also encourage DH to read stories before bed or listen to their reading?

Secondly, how often do you and DH go out together? If not much, could you organise a regular date night? If he likes to get to bed early arrange a sitter from 6-9. This is such an important thing to do and helps you reconnect with one another.

Thirdly, you. Even if you don't work, get a cleaner. If you can afford it and it sounds as if you can, do it. Then look around for that volunteering job. Look at classes you could do. Local Adult Education have loads to choose from. Learning something new or rekindling an old interest is so invigorating.

Finally, it's not a crime to meet friends for coffee,read a book, go to Pilates and generally arrange your life to include me time. Sure, sort out home and kids but there is plenty of time left over for other stuff. You do not have to account for every minute of your day.

Btw, I don't work and do all of the above. I am quite recently injured and disabled so have had plenty of time to have worked on this stuff.

Good luck.

As long as it doesn't interfere with the family,

As long as you still do all housework, you mean?

Good idea about the list, I suggest you get first pick.

It seems he believes he didn't mean he didn't want me to work; just not at the moment. He thinks that while he has tricky stuff going on at work and whilst he's feeling down and perhaps depressed, that it would be great to have my support at home.

And my guess is that he'll continue to think of excuses.

IF he is depressed, physical exercise is reportedly good for it. Make sure he does something about it and you all go on walks during the weekend.

He should also seek help, if he really is depressed. After all that's what you did when you had PND, right?

Anyway, I do hope you get a more balanced division of labour at home. I suspect you may need to be properly assertive to do that. And keep up the pressure on him.

Go for it loopy! Whilst marriage shouldn't be about unilateral decisions, if your reasoning is being closed down by bullying behaviour then rather than open a debate just tell him your doing it and that it will make you happy (you can always add a, "and i assume you want me to be happy"'). Then either get a cleaner or if he won't pay for it (I don't see why you should pay for it as he will be earning more and they're his kids too creating housework). If he refuses the cleaner then just stop doing so much housework. Look after the kids but if he wants his shirts ironed he knows where the ironing board is!

You might, actually i'm willing to bet you will, also find that the independence a new job gives you will give you greater confidence and equalises the balance of power in your relationship.....which if course is what he's worried about....

Sorry I think I'm behind the curve on this chat.. Hope it's working out better for you now loopy x

It seems he believes he didn't mean he didn't want me to work; just not at the moment. He thinks that while he has tricky stuff going on at work and whilst he's feeling down and perhaps depressed, that it would be great to have my support at home.

I appreciate that he has just changed jobs but, work is always 'tricky', always stressful. There will always be a reason why he doesn't want you to work: now it's because the job is new, later it will be because he's going for a promotion, difficult boss etc. These excuses will run & run.
Essentially he is saying that he doesn't want you to work because he wants you at home to support him.

My husband works extremely long hours, I run several businesses, which admittedly, it turned out recently, when I had to have time off for an operation, can run themselves, but - tbh I wouldn't mind a wife at home supporting me - who wouldn't? But what kind of person thinks they have the right to demand that of someone? It's a bloody awful life for anyone.

The question is - is this what you want out of your life? Do you want to be your H's mum/nanny/shrink for the rest of your life or are you here to achieve something for yourself? Is this what you signed up for?

He doesn't "mind" you volunteering. That's big of him! I agree with the posters who question whether it's because non-paid work does not threaten his status as provider. A recent piece of research from the published in the US found a subtle decline in self esteem in men related to their partner’s success:

"We demonstrated that men’s implicit self-esteem is negatively influenced by thinking about a romantic partner’s success both when the success is relative and when it is not. In sum, men’s implicit self-esteem is lower when a partner succeeds than when a partner fails, whereas women’s implicit self-esteem does not. Link

I don't think this is true of all men, but some. Is he one? Is that what this is all about?

As long as it doesn't interfere with the family

The family what though? You spend the whole weekend watching TV! You're not even allowed to go out for walks! If he was big on quality time with his kids, taking them on days out at the weekend & wanted to protect that, then it would at least be consistent. But he can't be arsed.

Why should the playpark & board games "have to suffice for now"?? Just because he wants to watch TV & doesn't want you to leave the house? Why are you letting this man dictate the freedom of you & your kids. I'm not surprised your kids are having emotional issues, they must be climbing the walls with boredom & frustration.

I don't know OP, you seem so stuck in the 50s, & I fear you will look back in 40 years, like so many women of that generation, & see a life half-lived, in someone else's shadow. Is this what you want?

For spending family time together what about going out every week for Sunday roast or something, that way you are spending time together and you get a break from cooking.
Cinema doesnt require too much effort or just get a film for you to watch together after dcs in bed with a bottle of wine?
Drag the dcs to bowling or something yourself, they'll love it and you wont feel its an entirely wasted weekend.

Sounds like you have a job in itself to be honest. Mind you saying that I'm a single mum and aside from maternity I've always worked but it's a personal choice. However as God is my witness no man would ever say to me that I should not work. xx

Go for walks on the weekend, I bet the kids will want to tag along.

If a great job comes up, go for it, you clearly are ready for more than 12 hours housework a day, and have more to offer the world.

Your husband likes you at home, dependent, doing all the household chores, not doing any himself and not doing any paid work. Why do you think that is?

Notice how it's all about him, his issues, his choices.
Nothing about what you want, what you need, or what the children need.

When I ask DS about going to a place or doing something he has never done, he always says no.
Then he loves it more often than not.

Why don't you insist on going for a nice walk or day out, then ask the children what they prefer?

I would suggest you say to DH, "in the new year, if a good opportunity comes up, I will apply - the DCs will be more settled in school and you in your job routine then."

If it's important to you to keep things steady right now then set a time by which things will change and you get your chance to do what you want.

I can't read all of this because I am getting sooo angry! OP your husband sounds like a controlling arse who sees you as nothing more than an appendage to his lovely life.

Apply for that job and many more! Make sure you get something which suits you and as someone else has said go on strike regarding his cooking, cleaning and washing etc. You are staying at home currently to raise children and not be his slave.

Grrrr! I hate the sound of this chauvinistic idiot!