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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH deosn't want me to work!!

248 replies

loopydoo · 25/10/2013 11:32

I found a great job in a school yesterday so was going to apply today, as it's school hours and in term time only (very rare) however, DH just went off on one saying I need to be here at home for the kids and to do the house stuff I've been doing for the last 12 years!!!

I just wrote down all the stuff I do and the stuff he does.
Of course, he tells me 'he earns the money' and I just stay at home. He also says that when he's at work, I should be doing 12 hours of housework and not go for coffee with friends etc.

It's made me realise it's like living in the 1950s and he basically likes me being a housewife/slave.

I'm educated and have a good degree but stopped worked only a few years after uni to have DD. I know I need more in my life than just housework and this type of job with great hrs (so no childcare needed) don't come up often.

This is my list.....

Empty/load dishwasher
Wash up pans etc
Washing
Ironing
Hang wash on line/dryer/bring it in
Vacuuming
Cleaning bathroom
Cleaning Loo
Dust everywhere
Tidy bedrooms
Make beds
Change bed linen
Mop hard floors
Plan Meals
Do food shop
Cook meals
Plan and make kids packed lunches
Make DH's sandwiches
Organise everything for school bags
Empty school bags and action paperwork
Do reading books
Plan and help with kids homework
Record my spending on money spread sheet
Clean oven
Clean cupboards
Clean fridge
Take/collect kids to/from clubs
Plan/buy all family bday/xmas presents/cards

This is his list...

Wash cars occasionally/take to car wash
DIY occasionally when necessary
Cuts grass
Takes ds to swimming lesson every other week

That's it - literally! When he gets back from work (yes, it's a very stressful job), he watches tv and then goes to bed roughly same time as kids (9-ish). At weekends, he doesn't want to get involved and if I mention going for a family walk, he goes off on one!

Any ideas as to how to increase his involvement with everything?

OP posts:
redcaryellowcar · 25/10/2013 12:12

I do all of both of your lists and don't work, but dh would support me to work if I wanted to, ds only two and dc2due next spring, think as mentioned above you might need to bear in mind that you will probably not do less if you go to work; if I were you I would check you can afford a cleaner.

Sleepyhoglet · 25/10/2013 12:14

Depends what you mean by a high salary. I would take the job for my own independence and hire a cleaner. If he earns over 120k then the job is more a hobby anyway for you. I like having a job for my security, to remind myself I am my own person and to save for my pension. Also, my DH doesn't earn over 120k!

Lweji · 25/10/2013 12:14

Why do you think he is depressed or bipolar?

Original poster
loopydoo · 25/10/2013 12:14

Think perhaps I will carry on as a SAHM then and do some freelance work online from home.

OP posts:
KCumberSandwich · 25/10/2013 12:14

i do the majority of the same things you do- with exception of homework and packed lunches as DS is not at school yet. i don't have a partner and i can do it all and hold down my job, there is no reason why you shouldn't be able to make use of a degree you worked hard to achieve and do something for yourself- tell your DH if he wants someone at home all the time to take a step back from work and do it his bloodyself. sounds to me like he likes you doing everything and thinks because he is the breadwinner that he doesn't have to pull his weight.

essentially he is being a bit of a prick about it, stand your ground or he'll think he can continue to treat you like a cleaner instead of his wife.

Longdistance · 25/10/2013 12:16

Do it! Do it! Do it!

Go on Loopy, apply for that job. You know you want to.

Sod what His Majersty says. He can get his thumb out of his arse and pull his wait, lazy twat!

InsultingBadger · 25/10/2013 12:16

Please apply for the job. He needs a wake up call

Lweji · 25/10/2013 12:16

Think perhaps I will carry on as a SAHM then and do some freelance work online from home.
Why?

Do you think you'll find the time for it?
Do you think he'll be happier?
So that you don't rock the boat?

Sleepyhoglet · 25/10/2013 12:16

Also,this isn't about rthe job or money. It is about support and communication. My DH would support me if I gave up work to stay at home with children, if I decided to retrain or if I went for promotion. He doesn't just say 'oh do whatever you want dear' in some 1950s man not really listening to his wife sort of way either. He really discusses and helps me to make the decisions that are best for me, I want what is best for us, so it works. He needs to communicate with you. Simple as.

Original poster
loopydoo · 25/10/2013 12:16

Lweji just because of his lack of enthusiasm about anything other than motorsport! Me and the kids seem like a burden to his free time. After a stressful week at work, he just wants to chill at the weekend (seemingly on his own).

OP posts:
Lweji · 25/10/2013 12:17

This is the Lithmus test.

If he's an arse about you getting this job, you're better off without him.

Sleepyhoglet · 25/10/2013 12:17

Do you think he will be embarrassed if you got a job? Would his colleagues ink he wasn't earning enough/ supporting the family? Do all his colleagues wives stay at home?

ferretyfeet · 25/10/2013 12:18

Sounds as though he want's a housekeeper not an equal partner, go for the job and I really hope you get it.

Lweji · 25/10/2013 12:19

He is capable of working. He has enthusiasm about something.

He doesn't sound depressed or even bipolar (no expert, though).

He just doesn't seem to want to engage with his family.

And if he has one of those conditions, he should seek help, or be on his own, really.
You are not responsible for putting up with it.

hillyhilly · 25/10/2013 12:19

The thing is, it's your life and you only get one. So if you'd like to do the job and can work out how it would fit into your life then apply for it!
My situation is pretty similar to yours except that my dh does spend much of the weekend doing stuff with us, and accepts me having a (busy!) social life.
To me this is his biggest problem, he may be a full time worker and high earner but he is also a parent and needs to engage with his children now to build a healthy relationship with them. How is his relationship with his dad? If he was distant then maybe that is a good example to use, does he want his kids to feel that way about him?

ChasedByZombees · 25/10/2013 12:20

He's sounds deeply obnoxious and like he's clipping your wings in life generally. It is not acceptable for a partner in life to shout you down and not allow you to discuss things.

whatdoesittake48 · 25/10/2013 12:20

I think you need to approach this from a different viewpoint. These ideas of going on strike, making lists of who does what and carving up time spent witht he kids etc, really doesn't help.

he will simply think you are pulling a strop and he won't take you seriously. You will come across as silly and incapable to making yourself heard, apart from letting his shirts pile up.

You need to show your strength and surprise the hell out of him.

As I already said - you are educated - use it! Whether it is in a letter to him, in a conversation or whatever, you need to show him he is wrong - dead wrong. it needs to be you as a strong woman with rights, feelings, emotions and guts telling the man in your life that this behaviour has to stop and it must stop now.

You will not let him dictate to you what gives your life meaning. you know how to word this because you have been having this conversation in your head for years ( believe me, i know). Just get it out and see what his reaction will be.

Twinklestein · 25/10/2013 12:22

If you take the job you will never hear the end of it: if you're tired, it will be your fault for getting a job; if you want him to do more, it will be your fault for getting a job.

You're either going to have to put up with an enormous amount of shit from him to work, or continue the domestic drudge.

I'm not sure that occasional bursts of humour from him can redeem this situation.

storytopper · 25/10/2013 12:22

My next door neighbour used to say (quite proudly) "my husband wouldn't let me work". At the time it suited her to stay at home.

All went well until her DH left and moved in with an OW and stopped paying the mortgage. She and her two DCs ended up homeless - and she struggled to find a job as she hadn't worked for years.

I'm not saying this will will happen to you but I hope you keep some paid work of some sort going. Seems to me that your DH treats you more like a housekeeper than an equal partner.

Chubfuddler · 25/10/2013 12:22

He doesn't act much like he loves you all. He sounds like he regards you as a pet.

FunnyRunner · 25/10/2013 12:22

Minko your life, your choice. Peace and love and all that jazz.

Loopy I can understand the need for some solo chill out time (I'm like that too) but not for the whole weekend! We always do family stuff at the weekend too. Most families do. If you are feeling like you are 'a burden to his free time' you need to tell him that and see how he responds. It might shock him into taking action.

Original poster
loopydoo · 25/10/2013 12:23

I have tried to assertively discuss it before and he a) thinks I'm blaming him and it all turns back to front and I become the bad person who has caused all the trouble or b) he has an answer for everything and anything I suggest/say gets shot out the water so I give up.

OP posts:
FunnyRunner · 25/10/2013 12:25

Then tell him you are applying for jobs because you want to work and feel like you are achieving your own ambitions. Tell him you need to discuss strategies for keeping things ticking over at home.

If he rants and raves he is telling you he doesn't care about what you want.

FunnyRunner · 25/10/2013 12:25

And what you're describing is gaslighting by the way.

Original poster
loopydoo · 25/10/2013 12:26

If I confront him about the co-parenting thing, he will just say I'm having a go at him/blaming him etc. Then he will shout me down and walk off.

OP posts: