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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH deosn't want me to work!!

248 replies

loopydoo · 25/10/2013 11:32

I found a great job in a school yesterday so was going to apply today, as it's school hours and in term time only (very rare) however, DH just went off on one saying I need to be here at home for the kids and to do the house stuff I've been doing for the last 12 years!!!

I just wrote down all the stuff I do and the stuff he does.
Of course, he tells me 'he earns the money' and I just stay at home. He also says that when he's at work, I should be doing 12 hours of housework and not go for coffee with friends etc.

It's made me realise it's like living in the 1950s and he basically likes me being a housewife/slave.

I'm educated and have a good degree but stopped worked only a few years after uni to have DD. I know I need more in my life than just housework and this type of job with great hrs (so no childcare needed) don't come up often.

This is my list.....

Empty/load dishwasher
Wash up pans etc
Washing
Ironing
Hang wash on line/dryer/bring it in
Vacuuming
Cleaning bathroom
Cleaning Loo
Dust everywhere
Tidy bedrooms
Make beds
Change bed linen
Mop hard floors
Plan Meals
Do food shop
Cook meals
Plan and make kids packed lunches
Make DH's sandwiches
Organise everything for school bags
Empty school bags and action paperwork
Do reading books
Plan and help with kids homework
Record my spending on money spread sheet
Clean oven
Clean cupboards
Clean fridge
Take/collect kids to/from clubs
Plan/buy all family bday/xmas presents/cards

This is his list...

Wash cars occasionally/take to car wash
DIY occasionally when necessary
Cuts grass
Takes ds to swimming lesson every other week

That's it - literally! When he gets back from work (yes, it's a very stressful job), he watches tv and then goes to bed roughly same time as kids (9-ish). At weekends, he doesn't want to get involved and if I mention going for a family walk, he goes off on one!

Any ideas as to how to increase his involvement with everything?

OP posts:
Lweji · 25/10/2013 12:27

I agree that he doesn't sound he loves you at all.

Chubfuddler · 25/10/2013 12:28

What do you actually get out of this marriage?

BurningBright · 25/10/2013 12:31

If he is so adamant that you should do all the housework during the working week, don't do anything at the weekends. Don't even cook. When he asks wht the hell is going on, point out that you've finished your working week, just like him. And then go and sit in front of the TV watching something that you want to watch. Or take that walk in the woods by yourself and let him look after the kids on his own.

Xmasbaby11 · 25/10/2013 12:32

I don't know how you've managed it for 12 years. That amount of housework .. the list makes me weep just looking at it! Who wouldn't rather be at work?!

PosyNarker · 25/10/2013 12:33

He may have many fantastic qualities but I'm not seeing them here.

What you seem to be saying is that if you disagree with him, or challenge him, he shouts until he gets his way. What is he, a toddler?

Well paid jobs usually require some kind of influencing or communication skills. I'm therefore assuming that he doesn't employ the 'bellow until they acquiesce' technique with his colleagues, but does with the woman he supposedly loves.

You may love each other, but it doesn't sound as if he treats you particularly well...or only does if you 'do as you're told'.

I'd apply for the job. He will have to adjust. If you give in this time, he'll just keep expecting you to put his wants ahead of your own.

BurningBright · 25/10/2013 12:33

Apply for the job.
Please.

Twinklestein · 25/10/2013 12:34

He's essentially totally incapable of having a normal, adult relationship.

He has to control the you and all discourse, if you confront him he shouts you down, plays the victim, or walks off.

He doesn't even engage with the children.

What's in this for you OP?

LadyBoxe · 25/10/2013 12:35

He sounds awful.

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 25/10/2013 12:35

Sounds like the only way to get him to be a parent is to split abd send the kids to his every other weekend and every wednesday night!

Lweji · 25/10/2013 12:36

I hope you don't sleep with him to appease him or to keep him happy.

getting flashbacks of other threads - GB

BleedinEck · 25/10/2013 12:37

Get a cleaner & if nothing else use your salary to pay for it - even if you don't earn a penny more it will be worth it for you self-esteem. I am however struggling to see what you (& the children) get out of him being in your lives and what an awful role model for your children Sad

RabbitFuckerFromAHat · 25/10/2013 12:37

What is the point of him, OP? You sound like you'd do perfectly well without him.

Lweji · 25/10/2013 12:39

Even better without - less work and able to do what you please

minko · 25/10/2013 12:40

Mumsnet mums are always so ready to tell you to get a divorce at the first sign of trouble. It's not always that simple!

RabbitFuckerFromAHat · 25/10/2013 12:40

He doesn't sound very nice to you, lovey.

MrsOakenshield · 25/10/2013 12:43

I think you should absolutely get a job, and probably a better-paid one than this one will be - you may well need financial independence at some point. He sounds a terrible bully and an awful husband and father.

Meglet · 25/10/2013 12:45

Apply for the job, and find a few more to apply for. Then you'll be able to LTB when he keeps kicking off and refusing to change.

He jolly well knows he's being a cock, you'll end up wasting your time making him change. Do what you need to do, if he changes that's great, if he doesn't you'll have a job and be in a better posit to support yourself. He can't hold you to ransom.

Meglet · 25/10/2013 12:46

*position . (Pesky walking along while typing habit).

whatdoesittake48 · 25/10/2013 12:47

You may find that threatening to leave is the only way to make him change - but be willing to carry it through. it sounds like you are at the stage where you can see a better life on your own anyway.

I am sorry but he sounds unreasonable.

it looks like he gives you just enough to keep you there - you are convenient for him. you help him fulfil his fantasy of the wife at home and he doesn't have to engage with his kids.

For that all he needs to do is be nice sometimes. You deserve so much more.

I am guessing he will be surprised to learn that you are thinking about going. After all, why would a woman want anything more ;)

I think it will put a line in the sand.

In the regards to his arguing technique. i am familiar with this too. it is gas lighting. learn some techniques for dealing with it. one is repeating your rehearsed statements.

"i am entitled to a life outside of the home" - this should be your answer to all rebukes. over and over until he gets it. You need no further justification because you are totally right.

Then "I will not accept that you do not coparent with me" and repeat...

Unless he is willing to compromise, there is no marriage.

Chubfuddler · 25/10/2013 12:49

Minko it's hardly the first sign of trouble. The ops husband has essentially been acting like her lord and master for 22 years. Now maybe at some point that suited her. Maybe it never did but she didn't have the confidence before to question it. Doesn't matter. It's no way for two grown adults to live in the 21st century.

Chubfuddler · 25/10/2013 12:51

And in my experience separating from a man like this was scarily simple. It only astounds me looking back that I didn't do it years earlier.

RabbitFuckerFromAHat · 25/10/2013 12:51

Minko, if you describe something like this as the "first sign of trouble" I genuinely fear for you too.

obviouslyneedsupernanny · 25/10/2013 12:51

He sounds like a pig

FunnyRunner · 25/10/2013 12:55

Minko I don't think it's a MN mums thing. I think it's a 'women not wanting to see other women having the absolute piss taken out of them' thing. Sometimes when people have been living like this for a long time they stop seeing the wood for the trees. It can be useful to realise that the rest of the world doesn't live like this.

Anyway OP I think you've had really good advice on this thread. Actually this thread is niggling at me for some reason and I think I've given as much as I'm willing to. Wishing you the best of luck, whatever you do.

nouvellevag · 25/10/2013 12:56

God. Sorry OP but he sounds horrible. :( This wouldn't prevent you from being there for the kids, and by the sounds of it the household could afford a cleaner if (god forbid!) working means you can't slave over the housework for 12 hours a day. His arguments hold no water at all. Ergo the only reason to shout at you about it is because he wants control over you.

(I understand you can spend what you like from the household money but am a bit Shock that you have to record every receipt or he goes off on one - controlling again, IMO. We are not especially well off in our house at the moment but DH wouldn't dream of prying into every little thing I buy.)

Has he thought about the fact that not working for years on end puts you in a more precarious position re. finding a job in the future should you need to? Does he understand the psychological benefits of working, spending time with other adults, getting feedback on your performance instead of spending all day every day looking at the same four walls? Why the bloody hell would he not want that for you, since there are ways for the household to make up the labour you currently carry out?

I just couldn't be with someone who thought he could tell me not to work. I mean, if I was applying for a job I'd talk to DH about it because for us it would mean increased childcare needs, but we'd figure out a way to do it because my needs are important.