I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

[filee777]

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

well its defintely important to have some evidence and there is none of that only enough drama to make the op suspect the worse rather than dealing with what actually did happen.

Here's how I see it.

People use porn to get turned on...it is a tool for sexual gratification.

It is instant

He was using a sexual tool whilst your child was present

that's all you need to think about Fillee

For me, this would be enough to leave.

It's very inappropriate to get turned on by something...on purpose...while a child is in the room.

well I guess the op knows him not anyone else and I think it is a huge jump to make that he is sexually abusing his child from what the op posted.

Xh did that with toddler ds asleep in pushchair behind him but ds was facing his back iyswim. I came in, obvious erection within trousers and pages open on screen. He said it was because I wouldn't shag him. I never shagged him again. Granted our relationship was screwed at that stage but that was one of the many nails in the coffin!

Good luck op.

fillee, I am really sorry you're going through this. You must feel completely sick.

I'm sorry but I agree with those who have suggested this is a child protection issue. The fact your husband was sitting next to your son whilst watching porn is very bad indeed.
I can see no 'reasonable' explanation for why this would have occurred.

Have you spoken to the NSPCC/Childline yet?

Thinking of you.

You don't think being sat on the sofa with a child watching porn whilst the mother is asleep and the door is shut evidence?

Just told my partner and he said he is depraved. I agree.

neither I think you are under reacting.

Neither sexual abuse does not mean "touching" all the time...it can mean ALL kinds of things.

I guess its not shouting any of those things at me. Negligent yes, selfish yes, self indulgent yes. But he may have been happy enough that ds couldnt see and he may have been storing the images up in his wank bank for later. appropriate definitely but abuse I wouldnt jump to that from what has happened

Filee I'm afraid I agree with the safeguarding aspect of this. I hope you are off deling with your H and ringing the NSPCC

Good luck

sorry inappropriate definitely *

*dealing

Neither you're in a tiny minority so maybe you need to look at your own boundaries.

AND safeguarding is not always and only about abuse.

Even if the child didn't see anything (and let's hope he didn't), it is still abuse to be exposing the child 'directly or indirectly' to sexually inappropriate material.

I cannot believe that you think it's ok to watch porn with a 3 year old child in the room Neither. I think you seriously need to consider your own boundaries and perceptions because this is massively inappropriate at best and abusive at worst.

It all sounds very dodgy, especially the blocking you from coming in bit! What are you going to do OP?

Definately child abuse. Phone out of hours Childrens Services number.

Where he goes is not your worry OP.

So sorry this has happened to you and your DC.

I havent namechanged for this and I probably should. When I was little a very similar thing happened to me several times but I saw more than just what was on the tv. I have a really weird relationship with the person involved and its taken me years to accept it wasnt normal or ok. I wish my mum had known. I wasnt abused as such but it was very abusive and lots of other similar but different things happened too. The person doing it still thinks its completely normal. Poor op, you have my sympathy very sorry you are going through this.

Thinking of you OP. You've had some good advice here.

I also have a 3 year old DS and would destroy DH if I ever caught him doing that with DS in the room.

You need to be open to what might happen next - as bad as it might be. Try to not be blindsided or accept whatever DH tells you. He knows he's in a serious hole, so will be be doing his best to be a wonderful dad/husband.

I second the advice to ring NSPCC and the Police. They will have people who have tons of experience.

I think you will find that I said it was inappropriate maybe read what I said. I am anti porn. Afaik my dh does not look at it at all. I would be upset if he was using it full stop. I just dont think it is abuse. I was responding to posts where it was implied that he was abusing his child or grooming him or was going to have a wank in front of him when there is no evidence of anything like that happening. I never said it was ok I never said it wasnt wrong I just said that it doesnt necessarily mean anything more than what the op witnessed.

Neither???? Are you for real???????

You need to rethink your own boundaries. I hope you're not in a position of trust with children. Plenty of social workers, teachers and doctors took the stance you're taking. Just saying.

"I just said that it doesnt necessarily mean anything more than what the op witnessed."

No, it doesn't NECESSARILY mean more.

But it might.

And that's why people are recommending that she talk to experts in child protection about her next steps.

Rather than, as you seem to recommend, turning a blind eye and presuming everything is OK.

Even what he has admitted to - deliberately seeking out pornographic images while a 3 year old child was in the room - is seriously fucking dodgy.

What am I saying that is so wrong?

Neither, I strongly suggest you get some child protection education.
A child sitting next to a screen showing porn is being abused. Not touched. abused. Her dh also 'jumped up and tried to block the door for goodness sake he knew she shouldn't see but let the child? A child of 3 will be facinated by what is on screen and won't not look as you dh supposedly does when you are shopping. I'm afraid you are wrong in this instance.

What you are saying that is so wrong is that the correct reaction to a possible situation of child abuse is to turn a blind eye and presume the adult had the best of intentions.

That's how abusers get away with it - everyone presumes they are a good guy who would never do something like that.

But some guys are not good guys and some of them do these things.

Right now it is IMPOSSIBLE to tell how bad this is.

And yet you are repeatedly saying that there is nothing to worry about.