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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

1000 replies

filee777 · 20/10/2013 10:23

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

OP posts:

YoureBeingADick · 20/10/2013 11:28

Oh this is awful. I personally would need him out of the house til i had time to think about what i was going to do. Im sure he knows someone who would let him use their sofa or spare room for a while.

RandomMess · 20/10/2013 11:29

Was he on your laptop sat next to your dc on the sofa?

Upnotdown · 20/10/2013 11:30

I'd be furious. He must have a pretty big porn habit if it makes no difference to him that his DS is running around whilst he looks at sleazy pics. If your DS is anything like mine, just because he looks like he's taking no notice, doesn't mean he's taking no notice.

That would not be a nice anecdote to come out in nursery...

Original poster

filee777 · 20/10/2013 11:32

I have an iMac, it was on the table with them both sat on the sofa facing it.

Ds1 could have jumped across the room I suppose when I came down the stairs but when I walked into the room that was the situation.

OP posts:

ICameOnTheJitney · 20/10/2013 11:32

It's not ok....his lines are blurred. Has he done anything inappropriate before? Was he abused as a child?

Original poster

filee777 · 20/10/2013 11:33

No I have never seen any examples of anything untoward happening besides this.

OP posts:

MrsWedgeAntilles · 20/10/2013 11:33

The NSPCC is a great idea, OP, you really need some RL support.
I've cross posted a bit, I was referring to AD suggestion about counsellors.

Thisisaeuphemism · 20/10/2013 11:37

This is what happens when porn is seen as entirely normal, acceptable and 'everyone does it' . To your dh porn is so normal and acceptable and everyone does it, then there is no need to hide it from his kids.

Sorry op, you must be livid.

MrsWedgeAntilles · 20/10/2013 11:39

Actually, I've been having a think. Now that you know about this you have to get some proper advice about what to do next. Your worst case senario is that this does come out at nursery or similar and because you knew about it you would be judged as complicit in what could be construed as sexual abuse of your child. You can't deal with this on your own.

Thisisaeuphemism · 20/10/2013 11:41

This is not your fault op- voodoos advice is good I think.

mammadiggingdeep · 20/10/2013 11:41

A 3 year old would DEFINATELY ask "what's that?" If they saw what was the computer. No WAY they wouldn't be interested....blimey you sneeze and they ask why/what/who?!

If he was Sat. in the sofa the whole time then he would e seen it, noticed it and probably asked about it.

I agree advice from nspcc. They will advise on how best to handle it. If your son did see anything they'll know how you should respond if he says anything to you about it.

Reality · 20/10/2013 11:44

He had your son sat next to him on the sofa?

Are you prepared for the possibility he is abusing him?

I think you need to talk to someone properly, either the police or nspcc. This is very very bad.

UpTheFRIGGinDuff · 20/10/2013 11:45

*This is what happens when porn is seen as entirely normal, acceptable and 'everyone does it' . To your dh porn is so normal and acceptable and everyone does it, then there is no need to hide it from his kids.

Sorry op, you must be livid.*

^this.

mammadiggingdeep · 20/10/2013 11:46

Could you ask your son non-leading questions?
They have to be non-leading. "Did you have fun this morning?" "What did you play" "what have you done so far this morning?"......

YoureBeingADick · 20/10/2013 11:47

For me 2 things need to happen.

you protect your child immediately and that would mean sending husband out of the house
you need to send a very strong message to husband to show exactly how serious this is and how seriously you will be treating it. This would also mean sending him out of the house.

I would do this and not have him back til i had sought professional advice on what best to do for your son.

theboutiquemummy · 20/10/2013 11:50

This is a huge no no for me we don't even have a drink until LO is sound asleep in the evenings

Can I ask what is your relationship like normally ?

I fear you may have just unearthed a can of worms about his general attitude

But you have every right to be angry with him

Relationship counselling ?

mammadiggingdeep · 20/10/2013 11:51

Yes. Totally agree with you'rebeing.

mammadiggingdeep · 20/10/2013 11:52

Relationship counselling will not teach this man what's inappropriate behaviour when caring for a child.

People who neglect to look after their children properly do not need relationship counselling.

theboutiquemummy · 20/10/2013 11:53

X post with your update forget my previous post ! I'd get some professional advice now today from NSPCC don't ask your son questions let the professionals do it they can ask in a way that doesn't alert the child to a problem

mammadiggingdeep · 20/10/2013 11:55

That's why I said to ask those non leading questions....they wouldn't alert him. Then the op knows whether she potentially needs the police or not.

Reality · 20/10/2013 11:55

Yes, please don't ask him anything just yet.

TheCrumpetQueen · 20/10/2013 11:58

This is fucking disgusting.

I wouldn't give a shit if he had no where to go, he would be out of my house and away from my son, 100%

He needs help. Your poor son, who knows what he saw

Scarynuff · 20/10/2013 11:59

If you google 'pussy pictures' you get a list of sites which are obviously porn. You then have to click on whichever site you want to open it. So he is definitely lying.

Why is he lying? Because he knows this is wrong.

So he is making the decision to look at porn in front of your 3 year old with the full knowledge that it is wrong to do so.

You have to ask yourself how often this has happened in the past and whether your son is at risk.

He certainly cannot be alone with this man ever again.

aturtlenamedmack · 20/10/2013 12:01

I'm sorry but if he was sat on the sofa with your son I think that there is a real reason to suspect that there is more to this.
For your son's protection I would want him out of the house immediately, I wouldn't even consider where he was going to stay.
While he's out of the house I would use the time to contact the NSPCC, follow their advice about whether you should talk to your son and what you should say and whether you should contact the police.
I would also thoroughly search all the devices in the house that connect to the internet and all of your card statements for anything unusual.
I would also research addiction to pornography and treatment for it.
After doing this, if you are confident that your son is not at risk, you could consider talking to him and allowing him back if you wanted to.
I'm sorry that this has happened op, how awful for you and your family.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 20/10/2013 12:02

As of right now, your husband is a risk to your son.

Even in his (ridiculous) version of events he was googling something that was guaranteed to bring up pornography while a 3 year old child was present.

Whether he has anywhere else to go is his problem.

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