Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

1000 replies

filee777 · 20/10/2013 10:23

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

OP posts:
Scarynuff · 20/10/2013 12:02

Actually, thinking about it, was he suggesting to your ds that they look on the computer for pictures of pussies? If so, that would be grooming.

mammadiggingdeep · 20/10/2013 12:05

She doesn't know scary. She's only got his version and doesn't know what was said/ where child ACTUALLY was.

Op. try not to panic. Get him out. Contact nspcc. Do a bit more digging on pc etc.

Give yourself headroom to think.

After thinking about it, I agree with others on not asking child anything. Just contact nspcc.

So sorry.

bundaberg · 20/10/2013 12:07

OP, how bloody awful for you :(

i really do think you need to ask him to leave for the time being.

does he have his own smart phone that he can access it on even if he doesn't have your PC? could he have done this before? and will you trust him not to do it again?

worst-case scenario is that this DOES happen again and becomes a child protection issue. If that happens and it is discovered that he has done it before and you took no action then it could potentially be used against you :(
like I say, that's a worst-case thing, but it's something you do need to think about.

I think that ringing the NSPCC is a really good idea, hopefully they can advise on your best course of action right now.

Scarynuff · 20/10/2013 12:07

Yes, speak to NSPCC or Childline. I would want professionals to speak with my ds to see if they could discover what was said and what he saw.

LizzieVereker · 20/10/2013 12:08

I'm so sorry OP, what an awful thing to happen.

I don't want to scaremonger, but your DH needs to know how serious this is. A 14 year old student whom I teach was removed from home because she made us aware that her father was watching pornography in her presence. She was traumatised by this, but she was old enough to speak up for herself, and to understand what he was looking at. Your little boy is not old enough to speak up for himself (and hopefully not old enough to be frightened by what he may have seen).

Does DP realise that if this were dealt with "officially" he could end up on the sex offenders's register?

Scarynuff · 20/10/2013 12:11

Childline

NSPCC

Scarynuff · 20/10/2013 12:19

On the NSPCC website, their definition of sexual abuse is: "including direct or indirect sexual exploitation or corruption of children by involving them in inappropriate sexual activities."

Don't try to protect your husband, OP, protect your son.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 20/10/2013 12:20

Oh no, you must be in a mess as this sinks in and you have to think about how you react to this...

KellyHopter · 20/10/2013 12:23

I'm so sorry fillee, this is awful.

Having read your subsequent a posts which say your son was on the sofa in front of the laptop (which had OPEN pages of porn!) then the whole jumping up, coming to meet you thing sounds even more disturbing.

If he was browsing porn and heard you coming why not just close those pages? And if a regular porn user why google "pussy pictures"? I'm sure that wouldn't be his usual way of accessing porn. His behaviour is not just shitty, porn addicted behaviour but very, very worrying (I mean, even more worrying than the basic 'story' of looking at porn while his son was at the other end of the room).

Please get him out of your house.

CharleeWarlee · 20/10/2013 12:29

This is actually classed as sexual abuse towards a child. My neighbours have just had their kids taken off them for the very same thing....

darkdays · 20/10/2013 12:32

I'm sorry you are going through this Sad. I think previous posters are right, seek some advice. Your head must be spinning with all this.

whitefeathers · 20/10/2013 12:35

Oh Filee777 :( I recognise you from other threads, aren't you training to be a social worker?

Can I gently ask how you'd respond if a client, under these circumstances, said she couldn't ask her husband to leave as he has no money for a B&B?

Lets make no mistake, he is potentially a risk to children, your little one being sat next to him on the sofa is borderline contact abuse, not even just exposure.

Please, ask him to leave and take some time a) to a be kind to yourself but b) to take some advice from professionals.

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/10/2013 12:56

Wow.

So he waits until you are asleep, closes the door in a room with your son, sits him on the sofa and starts looking at porn with him.

Have you called the police yet?

WhereMyMilk · 20/10/2013 12:57

I agree with all the above. It is sexual abuse. It is wrong.

He knew it-hence why he jumped up and wanted to shoo you back upstairs so he could continue without you knowing-thank god you came down when you did!

I shudder to think of what might have happened if you'd have slept on. :(

Make him leave. Report it yourself-if your son mentions to another responsible adult what he has experienced then SS will take him off you for his own safety unless you put him first in this situation.

Scarynuff · 20/10/2013 13:00

Ultimately, I would take my son and my laptop to the police station and tell them what you have told us. It will open up a whole can of worms but, really, what is the alternative. To allow this to continue? That is unthinkable, surely?

How are you OP? It's a lot to take in. Take your time, come back to talk with us. You have done nothing wrong. Having to chose between your husband and your son is the worst possible choice.

Neitheronethingortheother · 20/10/2013 13:14

I think people are over reacting. He was having a sneaky look at some porn while you were asleeep and ds was in the room. No evidence he was having a wank and definitely no evidence that he was abusing your son. I dont like porn but I think this is being blown out of all proportion. He would have made sure ds didnt see it and was probably storing up the images for later use. Not something that I would be happy about at all but think abuse and police etc is completely over the top.

Reality · 20/10/2013 13:17

Ds was sitting on the sofa next to him.

How on earth can you get from there to 'he would have made sure Ds didn't see it'?

TheCrumpetQueen · 20/10/2013 13:18

He would have made sure ds didnt see it

I'm sorry but how do you know that? Are you the ops husband? He was sitting on the sofa with his son and had porn open.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 20/10/2013 13:19

"He would have made sure ds didnt see it"

Of course he would.

Because it has never happened in the history of the world that a man has groomed a small child using pornography. Hmm

The point is that the OP came downstairs unexpectedly, he acted EXTREMELY suspiciously and tried to stop her entering the room, and when she came in her 3 year old son was sitting on the sofa looking at a computer that she knows had pornography on it moments before.

On what basis can the OP assume that he "would have made sure DS didn't see it"?

Answer - she can't assume that.

Based on what she witnessed she needs to assume the worst to protect her child from this man who is acting like an abuser.

Scarynuff · 20/10/2013 13:20

Really Neither? Hmm

Where are you getting the information that the child didn't see it?

OP doesn't know.

But, hey, he probably didn't. And this probably was a one off. And he probably isn't being abused, so let's just leave it, shall we? Shock

Good grief I can tell you've had no child protection training whatsoever but it's not your child, so why worry.

TheCrumpetQueen · 20/10/2013 13:21

:( @ the husband blocking the door, forgot about that bit. Very worrying.

Neitheronethingortheother · 20/10/2013 13:22

cause I am sure he was very conscious that his ds was beside him and made sure he didnt see it. I have often sat next to my dh while on the laptop and hidden what i was doing no problem. Not that I would be looking up anything dodgy but might have been shopping for a pressie for him or a surprise weekend away and its no bother to hide what you are looking at. Ir sometimes if i was looking at something that may not be age appropriate for my kids I tilt the laptop so they dont see it. Obvisously porn is a big no but I think posters are making too many jumps. No evidence that the child saw it and certainly nothing to say he is abusing his child.

TheCrumpetQueen · 20/10/2013 13:24
Hmm
JoinYourPlayfellows · 20/10/2013 13:24

Yes, it's extremely important to wait until you have hard evidence of child abuse before moving to protect a child from a situation that could be abusive.

Er... NOT.

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/10/2013 13:25

How well do you know the OP's husband Neither? How on earth can you say you are sure that he didn't see it?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.