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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

1000 replies

filee777 · 20/10/2013 10:23

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

OP posts:
Goodadvice1980 · 22/10/2013 20:07

Is he still "banished" to the sofa then? Hmm

BelaLugosisShed · 22/10/2013 20:14

If I was a man I would be thoroughly insulted and depressed by the constant assumption that porn use is something that men can't help and that it is the job of women to police mens' behaviour because "boys will be boys" - I also had to double check that this was in fact the relationships board and not AIBU .

The horror film analogy is too laughable for words, to me it's more akin to using drugs in the presence of children or drink driving with them in the car - that's how serious it is.

MissStrawberry · 22/10/2013 20:19

If full action that the child needs to have happen to feel safe and secure is not taken then it is irrelevant what has happened tbh if they feel it has been minimised or not taken fully seriously.

If a child has been abused in any way only they are the one that know exactly what they feel and are the only one who has to live with it. You can't ever be inside someone else's head.

swallowedAfly · 22/10/2013 20:36

must admit i find the fact that the ops partner will not have sex with her worrying in this context.

i liked dahlen's post and found it well balanced.

this no sex business worries me though.

TeamSouthfields · 22/10/2013 20:55

Am i missing something?

Call the police ?

Childabuse?

Sallystyle · 22/10/2013 20:58

^must admit i find the fact that the ops partner will not have sex with her worrying in this context.^

Exactly.

oli12 · 22/10/2013 21:01

I work within a CP environment and would just like to advise some caution to the OP regarding her current status on this issue and its humongous potential to affect her current and future decisions within her field.
MANY children are currently in the care system for much, much less than has been reported in the Opening Post.
One of my colleagues let slip to a “service user” that she fully understood what she was going through due to having been in a similar situation herself (several years ago).
THIS was used against her during a family court finding of facts hearing and now ALL of her involvement in EVERY case she has EVER been involved in is currently under scrutiny – at the time of writing this I know of two children who have been returned to their birth parents (after over a year of being in LA care system - with no other concerns to them being in care until this disclosure.... ) because her judgement has been called into question….How would the OP feel in 6 weeks, months, years + of similar happening to her?,

Sallystyle · 22/10/2013 21:02

You have a man who is a porn addict, who feels it is ok to seek out porn while caring for his children.

He also doesn't want sex with you anymore.

Well, I just can't imagine why you would want to stick with him to be honest.

It's all so worrying, alarm bells everywhere.

Sallystyle · 22/10/2013 21:08

And reading that thread? he is a wanker to you :(

Please OP. Re-consider this, he is really horrid :(

swallowedAfly · 22/10/2013 21:15

oh dear - using the search facility was a sad affair.

OP you've already resigned to having no sex because you don't think you can live without him even though you still want and need an intimate life and now this...

it is worrying. where is the line for you?

Sallystyle · 22/10/2013 21:23

OP it is quite clear from the other thread and this one that you are scared to be alone, that is understandable but please realise that is what this is about.

You are staying with him out of fear no doubt. He tells you that you are ugly, he doesn't want sex with you, he seeks out porn in front of your children.

Now maybe people can see why some of us were so concerned, it wasn't to be bitches, it had massive red flags all over this and anyone who has read her other thread and still don't see these flags then I don't know what to say.

He has taken your self-esteem, I think you will put up with a LOT of crap from him as a result.

He isn't fit to lick your boots. You deserve SO much more, you really do.

Please protect your kids and yourself from this man.

MissScatterbrain · 22/10/2013 21:32

So much of what the Op has told us on here is alarming. Her other threads do not make for reassuring reading.

How on earth can you still respect and love this man knowing that he will view porn and become sexually aroused in front of his young child Confused

A friend of mine who is a SW had to resign from her post when it was revealed that her child was in a similar situation and that she made the wrong judgment call by choosing not to take the appropriate action. Sadly things turned out very badly - I cannot say anymore without outing myself and them Sad

Your child is particularly vulnerable because of his communication difficulties.

Please take more time to think things through - I know how easy is it to want things to remain the same, but sadly you now know what he is capable of when supposedly to be caring for his DC and things won't be the same ever again. He has tainted everything for you.

Also be aware that you cannot control him.

ChilledGuy · 22/10/2013 21:35

The other thread does change this drastically...

YoureBeingADick · 22/10/2013 21:35
Sad

oh OP. this just gets worse. I haven't read the other thread mentioned by some posters but it really does seem as though you were never going to and will never give this man his marching orders. I really do wonder what he would have to do for you to make that call. please protect your children. they cannot do it for themselves.

BelaLugosisShed · 22/10/2013 21:42

That other thread should certainly shut up all of OP's defenders, he really is a piece of work and OP feels she is lucky to have him and it seems, not worthy of a normal, loving relationship with a normal, decent man.

Sallystyle · 22/10/2013 21:44

And before anyone says that it is bad form to mention old posts, please don't.

I think her past posts paint a VERY different picture and very important. We are talking about children here, I wouldn't trust this man with a fucking fly.

ScaryFucker · 22/10/2013 21:48

Look, some of us who commented early on in this thread and have remained completely steadfast in our opinion of what a fucking car crash this situation, this relationship, this lack of action, the future for this family is did so having been fully aware of OP's other contributions to this site. There are names on this thread that have tried to help OP elsewhere.

She listens to none of it

I hope to fuck it is all made up.

TheCrumpetQueen · 22/10/2013 21:50

Please someone tell me if I've missed something (have read most of the thread).

In the first post the op said she came downstairs 'to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!'

But now it is being said that the page was minimised on the computer and he met her at the door.

So, how did she know he was watching porn if the page was minimised and he met her at the door? I'm confused as its made out she somehow saw porn on the laptop as she came downstairs

ScaryFucker · 22/10/2013 21:50

chilledguy your posts on this thread have been made with complete self regard for your own agenda and you should be ashamed of yourself

I think you forgot, in your rush to defend a porn user and shut naysayers the fuck up, that there are vulnerable women and children here

ScaryFucker · 22/10/2013 21:52

This thread is a fucking disgrace and should have been shut down days ago.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 22/10/2013 21:54

Poor you OP. I agree that this may not be the worst case scenario. Maybe he has an incorrect view of much a child understands the world around them like swearing or picking your nose in front of them without knowing that they will observe and imitate. So at best this is misguided and stupid and this would need addressing in a way which would result in him fully understanding the extent of his stupidity. But if he's bright enough to understand that I don't think he would have done this in the first place.

But at worst this is something truly appalling and you really can't take the risk make any assumptions of ignorance on his part. I agree that taking as much advice as you can is vital. This can't be swept under the carpet.

Sallystyle · 22/10/2013 21:57

Scaryfucker, in which way is it a disgrace?

Genuine question.

cjel · 22/10/2013 21:57

Filee , Have you had any personal counselling? I am afraid your fears are making you live in a way that really isn't right. My heart feels so sorry for youxx

whitesugar · 22/10/2013 22:05

Hear hear Cutitup!

I have over the years fooled around secretly under a duvet in a caravan with my husband (at that time) whilst my toddlers watched Tellytubbies about 5 feet away. It never occurred to me that we were paedophiles. I have also left those toddlers to race off and have a quick shower, make the dinner, hang out clothes, go to the loo without taking on board that they could die any minute. I wish you well Filee777 and I think you showed remarkable courage in the way you dealt with this issue. You have no reason to believe that your son saw any images and I hope you can all move on.

I am not making light of what happened but I would say that viewing porn in a living room is more common than people realise. Your husband made a poor decision and has blocked all internet porn which is commendable. Everyday on MN women are devastated by their partners' use of online porn. It is an increasingly common problem and from a recent TV programme I watched it is an utterly devastating addiction. My teenage DD tells me the boys in her school view it a lot and show brutal images to the girls. Your husband recognises it was inappropriate and took action. A lot of posters on here who have roundly criticised you have no idea how much porn their partners may be viewing whilst their DC are in the same room on the XBox or watching telly.

Sallystyle · 22/10/2013 22:09

Did you read the whole thread, WhiteSugar?

Because if you still think this is just a little issue then I don't know what to say.

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