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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

1000 replies

filee777 · 20/10/2013 10:23

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

OP posts:
Spirulina · 22/10/2013 17:51

yous??? who do you mean there two?

Scarymuff · 22/10/2013 17:55

Scarymuff "He honestly believed that it was ok...."
No he didn't - he hid the page, jumped up and reacted guiltily to the OP. He was going to delete the history. He knew absolutely that he was doing something wrong. She wouldn't have known anything if she hadn't checked the computer there & then. If I were the OP that would be seriously worrying me.

Yes, well quite. But he can't have it both ways can he. He claims, and the OP has bought it, that he didn't realise it was harmful or dangerous. But now she has explained it all to him, he does understand and won't do it again.

So which is it filee? Did he know it was wrong which was why he tried to prevent you from finding out, or was he as stupid as he claims and you seem to agree with?

Hmm, dangerous or stupid - either way not fit to be left in charge of children. You had better start thinking about childcare provision when you go back to work because he clearly cannot be trusted.

Sallystyle · 22/10/2013 17:55

twoboys

She is wrong in the sense that she is minimising what he done.

She sees no problem with her husband seeking out something to make him sexually aroused while caring for his children. If she does she hasn't actually mentioned that side of it, it's all been focused on whether her child viewed it or not.

As long as the kids didn't see it then she sees it as an error of judgment.

No one is trying to 'rile' her. She quite clearly doesn't see how alarming it is to purposefully seek out porn to wank over when children are around. He's naive, made an error of judgment, didn't harm the kids, was stupid etc etc. No, talk of how alarming it is for him to WANT to get turned on in the first place.

Their boundaries are all wrong.

wordfactory · 22/10/2013 17:55

OP, I think you need to check out the definition of 'disgusting'.

Disgusting is a man who is so desperate to watch porn, he does so on the sofa with his child.

Disgusting is a man who then gets so aroused in the presence of his child, he needs to masterbate.

Disgusting is a man who tries to hide all this.

It will never ever be disgusting for a woman to err on the side of caution against such a man. Never!

There is only one person here who is disgusting! You know who it is! If you choose to keep him in your home because you want to do so, then that is up to you. But you are folling no one, especially yourself as to who it is who is disgusting.

YoureBeingADick · 22/10/2013 17:55

I have no partner. There is absolutely no porn in my home.

MNHQ
TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet · 22/10/2013 17:56

Ahem
Evening all

Reminder of our talk guidelines and perhaps that if there's one thing we can all do with, it's some moral support.
Thanks kindly

Scarymuff · 22/10/2013 17:59

I agree, moral support, not immoral support.

uptheanty · 22/10/2013 18:00

Amen to that. Finally.

wordfactory · 22/10/2013 18:04

So what should this support look like Olivia?

Should we all tell the OP, well done? Should difficult questions not be asked in case they are considered unsupportive?

Because we have seen recently in the press exactly what happens when difficult questions are not asked.

BelaLugosisShed · 22/10/2013 18:08

Spirulina - google mumsnet extended/boxroom, it's a long standing MN thing, unfortunately.

Sallystyle · 22/10/2013 18:10

Moral support is all well and fine when we aren't talking about young children in potentially risky situation.

Support comes in all forms. I know I would rather talk openly about the concerns then just hand hold when it comes to something like this. Even if that does come across as non supportive.

Some of us simply can't support a situation like this and that is understandable, no?

Spirulina · 22/10/2013 18:10

bela its ok,i know who?what you are referring to now.....just thought i'd double check

Spirulina · 22/10/2013 18:10

random question mark in there....meant 'who/what'

MissStrawberry · 22/10/2013 18:12

"There is a huge difference between viewing porn inappropriately (or any adult content inappropriately) and abusing a child."

If you do the viewing in front of the child it is child abuse.

MissStrawberry · 22/10/2013 18:23

I think it is disgusting that someone would allow a man to sleep in her house, if not her bed, when he has set out to get aroused in front of a small child.

In years to come, as your child gets older and starts to understand what he has seen daddy do, it will all come out. I saw this as I am sure it isn't the first time he has done this and I say that as he is clearly not blessed with boundaries and the chances of him being caught the first and only time he has got a hard on in front of his kid are pretty small.

Cutitup · 22/10/2013 18:23

Filee, I think you have a lot of supporters on this thread. I am one of them. I think you've taken all the right steps and done the right thing.

Some recent posts frankly sound hysterical and are trying to make you feel badly. I would walk away from this thread because you've explained yourself quite well but it's just not good enough for some people.

All these posters who keep banging on at Filee should consider what the term abuse means because I believe that Filee is now being abused by Mnetters. It's enough now. She has read your points. She had decided what she is going to do and she is being extremely mindful. Leave her alone now and just wish her the best.

Spirulina · 22/10/2013 18:26

he MAY have put the porn onto the phone ...then left the room......THEN viewed it and became aroused

all wrong wrong wrong....but we don't know the FULL story....only the bare facts op has provided.....good old mumsnet is filling in the gaps with,well,with whatever they fancy by the sounds of things....whatever fits their agenda

Original poster
filee777 · 22/10/2013 18:32

I am leaving this thread now, the situation is resolved in most ways and I do not need further support, thank you to everyone who has put their views across and accept that actually I have my own mind and can think for myself.

My children aren't in any danger, I will continue to make sure of that.

OP posts:
AvonCallingBarksdale · 22/10/2013 18:33

Yes what a great boast 'ohhhh look i've had to phone the authorities because my husband a fucking idiot with no bloody common sense

Wow. Is that what you think has happened here, OP? I would probably describe my DH thus if he left the oven on/left his house keys at the pub or some such. It's much easier to minimise what has actually happened here if you don't actually describe it realistically. Which would be something like this : " Yes what a great boast ohhh look I've had to phone the authorities because my husband was determined to watch porn, get aroused by it and then needed to go and have a wank, all whilst looking after my son." Sounds a bit worse like that, doesn't it.
I am at a total loss as to understand why this wouldn't be a deal breaker for you.

YoureBeingADick · 22/10/2013 18:41

"He told me that he had pulled up an image on line while my son was on the other side of the room, got a bit excited, taken my phone and gone into the toilet to look at the same images and have a wank. "

from OP on sunday at 16.51 page 9 of 35

he uploaded the porn on the computer that was in the same room as the child and got aroused before leaving the room. this is what he told OP and what OP told us. no-one on MN is making that up.

witsalmader · 22/10/2013 18:41

I am at a total loss as to understand why this wouldn't be a deal breaker for you

Because pool old DP would be street homeless then, Avon.

Also, family family family family family family my family family family family can't break up the family family family family member of the family family family family. Apparently.

YoureBeingADick · 22/10/2013 18:42

op your situation is very far from resolved. it is shocking that you think it is and deeply worrying.

Cutitup · 22/10/2013 18:45

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MrsBennetsEldest · 22/10/2013 18:47

And the terriers are still ragging the dead fox, someone put them back in the car and take them home please.

YoureBeingADick · 22/10/2013 18:49

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