I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

[filee777]

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

I'm perfectly happy to be an ignorant fuck, if it means not respecting the wishes of someone to minimise and deny the sexual inappropriateness of their partner around their child.

I wish you luck, OP. What a devastating situation to be in. FWIW, I respect your decisions (even though they wouldn't necessarily be my own if I were in your shoes). I hope you have a good support system IRL.

As for this thread, try to ignore the shrill voices. Sometimes people become overly invested emotionally on MN. I haven't seen any bullying on this thread (to raise a sensitive subject in the MN universe) but there has certainly been some unkind badgering and goading of the OP. Goodness, some people must have a lot of time on their hands and an unhealthy view of their own importance.

Well said Cutitup!!!!

why on earth was my post deleted?

Maybe cos you were being a dick?

I'm perfectly happy to be an ignorant fuck, if it means not respecting the wishes of someone to minimise and deny the sexual inappropriateness of their partner around their child.

Me too Oxford

And I would add that questioning a poster's reasoning, when they asked for opinions and advice, cannot be called bullying.

filee if you are being totally honest with us, and you gave the exact same information to SS and NSPCC that you have given us on this thread, I have to say I'm not surprised so many children in this country are being abused daily. Their inaction is staggering. I am genuinely shocked that they showed no concern. I have to admit, I think you must have minimised it somehow.

It's been said by several people that the NSPCC are useless.... And we all know how ineffective ss can be

Asking difficult questions is not hysterical, shrill , abuse or bullying...

Funny how this sort of language is always trotted out to try to silence women eh?

I feel that the OP came here and asked for my opinion, I have given it. I haven't bullied.

Doubtful spirilina there are dicks all over mumsnet whose posts remain.

Yes, of course, anyone who has a different opinion is trying to "silence women." Insert eye roll here.

Goodness, the amount of self-righteous nonsense on this thread is quite remarkable.

OP, if you're still reading, good luck to you.

Funnily enough no one usually calls men shrill and hysterical do they?

Only to women. When they want them to STFU.

Giving someone answers they don't want to accept is not bullying. Laying the truth out bluntly, without pussyfooting about is not bullying or being shrill or abusive or whatever. Being concerned about even a tiny chance of sexual dodginess towards a child is not hysterical. Those of us being accused of all this shit are the ones who understand that placating and minimising, whilst they might make the OP feel better there and then, actually fail her and her children. They actively encourage not doing the utmost for the children. Placating and minimising is not caring for someone.

The truth, and what needs to be done, are often exactly what we don't want to hear. The people who make us hear those things are the opposite of bullies. Do you think we want to upset someone, make them suspect their OH of serious inappropriateness for shits and giggles?! For some sort of agenda?! And the poster who tried to LIE that posters were hoping there'd be some sort of comeback for the OP if they didn't follow certain advice, is seriously warped, if he really believes that. This is the sort of story where I personally desperately hope I am wrong. I want nothing more than to be totally wrong about all this.

kitchen different opinuions are fine.

Sexist name calling...is what it is!

And yup, several posters, including the OP were telling posters to shut up. So...

Kitchen, terms like shrill and hysteria ARE used to try to shame women into shutting up, and to trivialise and undermine their points. If you think this doesn't happen, then please tell me how to get to your planet of denial, because it sounds great.

It's not about "respecting" the OP's decision though, really, is it. That would be if she chose to use a dummy and you didn't. If she chose to breastfeed and you didn't.
If I thought DH was thinking about getting aroused while looking after the DC and, crucially, acting upon it by seeking out porn and then, unable to control himself, simply had to go and relieve himself, the thought of him being street homeless would be the least of my worries tbf. Where I work , I come into contact with people whose boundaries are skewed, largely due to minimising and normalising of situations when they were children. This is really not a good thing.

@YoureBeingADick

why on earth was my post deleted?

Hallo-
And sorry about that - it was because you repeated part of a post that we had nixed.
"Replies may also be deleted."
HTH

I think demanding a decision be respected is only valid if the decision maker is the only person affected.

In cases where someone else may be affected, then its a naive and unreasobable demand.

In cases where the someone else affected is a child, it's a demand that is plain wrong.

People are being quite forceful because they believe a small child has been put at risk and they care.

Being put at risk is not just about being hit or not fed.

The marriage would have ended for me at the point I discovered my husband accessing porn even without a child in the room, so I think my stance on this is pretty clear. But I don't think filee has been given enough credence for what she has done. It is really quite unusual for someone in her situation to have called the NSPCC, SS and notify her nursery. To me that implies that she is a good mother who has her child's best interests at heart and who will have no qualms about ending her marriage if there is another incident. I'm not at all convinced that she will simply become desensitised. Those that do rarely try to attract the attention of the authorities into the darkest areas of their lives. Put yourself in the OP's situation. It's a very painful, embarrassing shameful place to be. The OP doubtless feels tainted by association. I think she was very brave.

Do I think she should end her marriage? Yes, but not because I think her H is intending to groom their child. There is no real evidence of that, despite his horrid, sordid inappropriate behaviour that placed his child at risk. Some 60%+ of internet usage is for the purposes of porn. It is incredibly prevalent and it's presence increasingly normalised. Men like the OP's H are not at all rare and if we removed children from all those who regularly watched porn at the risk of discovery by their children, SWs would be even more overworked than they are. The fact that the OP's H went a step further and accessed it while in the same room makes it way worse but does not really indicate intentionality. It does, however, indicate incredibly bad judgment, a failure to protect his child from the risk of sexual imagery, disrespect for family life and his wife, and inattentive parenting. His own sexual gratification was placed before the need to entertain his child. THese are all absolutely dreadful and good enough to end a marriage over IMO, but they do not automatically mean the H is grooming their child or that he is even capable of it.

While I would not do as filee has done, I actually think she's handled it very well, demonstrated that she recognises its seriousness, and can be trusted to safeguard her own child while intensely scrutinising her H's behaviour from this point on. If I had to make an educated guess based on her behaviour thus far and how I've seen other people behave, I'd say it's actually fairly likely that she will kick out her H eventually and not necessarily because of any more incidents but because her perception has changed. But it will be a process and it will happen when she's ready. As long as she can keep her child safe in the interim, that's her prerogative.

Thanks olivia. I thought thats what it might have been

I, for one have not bullied or been shrill or hysterical.

The OP asks for feedback, using MN as a sounding board. The OP then gets information and opinions she clearly does not accept and says things which are worrying to put it mildly.

People who have their own personal reasons for being concerned about a 3 year olds welfare and safety, and who have their own knowledge and experience to draw on, then question the logic of the OP and ask for answers.

Posters have their own opinions and are saying how they would personally feel and what they would personally do in the circumstances.

The subject is too serious to minimise, to defend the H and say the outcome is now decided.

This is either a discussion board or it isn't. My views echo those of the vast majority who are not comfortable with the stance taken by the OP - and they do seem to be in the majority.

[I only am thankful another mother known to me took the decision at the first opportunity to remove a child from a man that she loved, and had trusted and could not believe did what he did. Thus minimising the risk for the CHILD]. That probably had some bearing on my posts, maybe it shouldn't have. But I'm only human and children get priority in my book.

Dahlen you make some good points.

And yes, I do give the OP credit for some of the actions taken.

For me, the fact that she would not even entertain the notion that she ought ot ask him to leave temprarily while he saught help with his sexual issues raised serious questions, though.

However, there are, as you say, some wider points here about the use of pornography within society. And the fact that women are increasingly expected to accept its casual use within the home and in the vicinity of children.

FWIW, the word "shrill" is often applied to men (at least it is in the US, where I am). If you follow national politics in the US, you will undoubtedly hear it applied to men quite frequently.

But in any case, there are some very helpful and supportive posts in this thread. Unfortunately, the OP had to wade through quite a few aggressive and goading posts to get to them.

I hope you are OK OP.

For what it is worth, I think you have done the right thing.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk at any time.

My only worry is and I'm sure you are going to discuss it with your DH is that you have to police your DH.

I would hate to have to treat my partner as a child and control what they can or cannot watch. I know this may be different for everyone, but I imagine it must be tiresome.

He needs to take responsibility. You have children and you should just have to mother them, not your partner.

I know it's a slightly different thread too so sorry to bring it up but I have read on another thread of yours that your partner doesn't want sex. What would upset me is that he doesn't want sex, yet he uses pornography. He clearly wants sex and has sex urges, yet he's not wanting to have sex with his wife? This would really hurt me if it was my fiancé.

I am here to talk and not judge if you ever want to talk. Wishing you and your children the best of luck and hopefully your husband too.