domestic violence-support club.

[tyedye]

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I haven't been through this myself but I do work in the dv field - most police forces these days either have dv support units or specially trained staff - unfortunately they are chronically understaffed so have to prioritise their responses. Refuges aren't ideal but they are geared up to women with children, most have childrens workers etc but they aren't ideal for evryone. There is a nationwide scheme being developed called sanctuary which enables women to stay in their own homes and receive protection etc. Women's Aid are fantastic (& that's not who I work for!) they aren't all about getting women out of the relationship and into refuges, they will offer support etc and will help you put together a safety plan - if you need to go that is how you do it.
Thinking of you all x

ok, its a friend...(really it is)
She is suffering domestic violence and there have been quite a few hairy moments with desperate phone calls at night and loads of support and talking on my behalf.
Im not sure what she is planning on doing if any thing but thats entirely her choice and her buisness, i will support her whatever.
However i got a text off her two days ago saying that she wont be visiting for a while as she needs to be on her own, wants to be on her own.
This struck me as odd and i have a very very bad feeling about this as when i saw her the day before she gave no indication that she was thinking along these lines.
To clarify all i do and all i did that day was listen to her and i made no comment about what was said.
I make it my upmost priority to not react in a judgemental way nor to say any thing that may be construed as judgemental.So i dont think that it is that she wants to be away from me, im not taking it as personal BUT i am disecting our conversations because i am concerned for her.
Do you think that she has sent this text or that her husband has had some influence on this?
I dont want to bother her or put any pressure on her but as she only has me and one other friend i am concerned that some how she is cutting ties with the only real support and out-let that she has.
What should i do and what do you think of this?
In response to her text i replied "ok, but im always here for you x"
Should i text her again in a day or two to see if she is ok or what?
This is totally out of my depth but i cant abandon her and i cant stop thinking about her.

Donbean, you are a good friend to this person. This has been going on for ages now hasn't it? I remember you posting about this before. Do you think her partner/husband sent that message? Are you far away from her - is there a chance you could pop by on the pretext of dropping something off etc etc?

Donbean,can you instigate a "normal"activity?ie lunch?you could probably make sense more if you saw her socially in a more relaxed manner,id say the husband was behind it somehow-what is his attitude toward you?

hope everyones ok.xxx

He is always friendly and acts as if nothing has happened, i do likewise, i make sure that he has no cause to try to terminate our friendship.
After i posted on here i sent her a text to say that its ok if she doesnt want to visit but could she just text me every now and again to let me know that she is ok. I have had no response.
Im worried, i think that i will text her again if i get nothing back then i will have to call round because i have to put my mind at rest with this, i am worried.

just reading about the definition of domestic violence including "verbal" A friend of mine has terrible rows with her dh and they sometimes swear at eachother and call eachother terrible things. Both very sorry afterwards - they both just get nasty to eachother when they lose their tempers, think they both love eachother dearly really. I'd hate to think they were guilty of domestic violence to eachother? Surely lots of couples have dreadful rows without them being considered violent?

I dont think thats quite the same thing,that sort of row is equal?violence is an act performed against one person by another-largely one-sided,but if they then both blow up-that is triggered by aggression from one half perhaps,without knowing the couple,or having the qualifications in such an area-i wouldnt like to say!x

Donbean,if she was my friend i would be having the same struggle,its hard to judge what the right thing to do is,i would go and see her,just for a coffee,and take it from there?

DONbean I think you need to call round with a pretext for going round to make sure she is ok - it is poss her h has intercepted txt's

Quite possibly.
She changed her phone recently because she wanted some control over it herself however i suspect that he has taken control of it himself. he has a vice like grip on every aspect of her life, financially, car, mobile phone, bills every thing.
She is 100% reliant on him.

From my research into domestic violence, it seems that this is clasic (total control) and along with this it seems there is no way out at all.
If you have been in this situaltion how did you take back control without raising any suspicion?

mr nice guy made me feel that maybe everything might be ok-using codeine and booze to sleep.

Womens aid have some great packs on leaving safely as do the police. I kept a suitcase at my dads with a credit card and clothes for me and my kids. I told X that he had to leave with relate counsellor there to protect me and then had my dad stay the night for some time until I was sure I was more safe.

In the end the police put an alarm in my house but my local refuge had said they would help if need be.

All of the evidence though on DV shows that men usually get worse when the woman leaves or stops the relationship and most women who are murdered as a result get murdered after divorce or just as it is about to happen.

These type of men hate to loas control.

gf-im desperate-hes asleep-for now

he has never hit me.

i am late thirties-but my life is over...

i m going to bedbasatard

Shibori I hope you are ok! Sounded like a very stressed night for you and as I have said before verbal abuse and bullying can be as bad as physical abuse.

Shibori, I am very worried about you.
Please get that professional help! You sound SO very unhappy - it really is no way to live.
Your life is not over - you can start a new happier life.
Promise us that you will seek help...please.
Thinking of you.xx

Shibori???
Are you ok? I am worried about you.

im ok,two bottles of wine last night!back to the drinkers thread i think.sorry ladies,went nuts last night.

Donbean I took control back by being devious not letting him have my money, seeing friends when I was at the shops hiding contraceptive pills in desk at work etc.

Glad you are ok, Shibori. Please seek some help for yourself.

I bet it went totally agaisnt the grain as well GM. You do not seem like the devious type at all!

Sometimes getting tough is the hardest part. I am a caring person and hardening myself to any ideas that this is someone I once loved is very hard for me. My natural instinct is to protect and nurture. I think I always thought I could save X from his worst self and now know that it is both impossible and not really worth my efforts.