DH left for coworker - pain is unbearable

[Whatnext074]

I'm new here and really, really need some advice on how to cope.

My DH left 2 weeks ago when I found out about his affair with his co-worker. For 2 months previous to that it was like he changed overnight from a loving, caring devoted DH to a nasty, violent (to house not to me), verbally abusive stranger. It was like he had no filter and couldn't talk to me nicely even when I begged him to remember who I was as this was so out of character for him.

He became secretive with his phone and came home later and later and I asked him many times if there was someone else. He always said it was all in my head and he would only talk about divorce and selling the house. I put it out of my head as he had always said the thought of infidelity sickens him.

After he had stayed away for a week, I checked his bag and found a diary in there, he had bought one for the OW as well and it was their plan to be together, I was physically sick and even when I confronted him, he denied it. He has since admitted that he is with her and I need to move on. He says he did nothing wrong as he had already told me it was over! I said I am not some gf, I am his wife and it is adultery.

I told him to go and he is now renting a room 40 miles away but I know he spends a lot of time with this OW.

Last year, in the space of 9 months, I had 2 MC at 10 weeks and 3 months. Our niece passed away suddenly at 9 days old and our other niece passed away at 20 months old. On top of this, I was told I was being made redundant and for 3 months thought I'd lose my job until the last minute when I was told my job was available for the short term. I have also been bullied at work by a manager for 7 months. My DH was supportive throughout and always told me to keep it together at work and bring it home to him to talk through. We were each other's strength and we agreed to try once more for a baby.

We've been together 11 years, married for 4 years and were best friends and did everything together. This has shocked everybody who knows us.

I have seen him twice since, the 1st time last Sunday he cried a lot - I still think he's having some kind of breakdown - he's lost so much weight and is having tests for a potentially serious health condition. He said he has to live with the guilt and he knows he's done wrong but we were broken and he couldn't fix it. I saw him briefly yesterday and he was so cold to me again without reason. He continually says "we're over, we're done, get used to it as I'm not coming back". He is so hurtful.

He now wants me to divorce him for adultery as he says he deserves it. I have no intention of divorcing him.

My family and friends are supportive of me but they are worried - and so am I. I have so much pain, both physically and emotionally and to say it hurts is an understatement. I can't eat or sleep and have lost a lot of weight which I couldn't afford to do really, it's not intentional, I just cannot bear to eat properly.

I have seen my GP and for the 1st time in my life am on ADs and am having counselling which isn't really helping. I have anxiety attacks and hyperventilate. I feel I am dealing with so much grief and don't know how much more I can cope with.

[Stroppygoddess]

What, can you list even only three things your H did that annoyed you? or hurt you?

i for one would really like to read them!

He is not and was not a saint. So come on, think clearly. What were his bad points?

[Whatnext074]

Stroppygoddess - I see where you're coming from but really, even after 11 years, I didn't get annoyed about anything with him. He always washed up after dinner but didn't do it properly so I had to re-do it when he wasn't looking - that's about it - sad I know.

We were loving to each other, we cared and we understood each other. I'd hear friends moaning about their partners and would think how lucky I was. This job he got changed him, he wanted the life that his colleagues have and I didn't fit into that.

I hate weekends because I know he is treating the OW to the best experiences like he did with me. I had a terrible time before I met him and he showed me a totally different life. I can't even bear to go to the train station because we had such great weekends in different places and even the train journeys would be an adventure.

The next few months will be so hard, next month is his birthday then I've got Christmas to get through and in February I turn 40 - he'd planned for years to take me back to our honeymoon place for my birthday. He'd talk with great excitement to his family about how next year was going to be so special for us.

Oh God - I hurt so much. I'm sorry.

[Longtallsally]

Whatnext - I can see that the more people try to move you forward, and try to make you feel positive - however kindly they mean it - the more it focuses you on what your h has taken away from you and what you have lost.

You will get through this, in your own time, but in the meantime, you need people around you who understand and accept how you feel. You should have permission to grieve, you should be allowed to feel as you do. If someone suffers in other ways - having an alcoholic husband, being bereaved, suffering an illness then there are groups they can join so that you are going through the journey with others who are in a similar position. One of the wonderful things about MN is that you will find other people here who are going through the same thing as you - some of them will be two weeks behind you on this awful process. Support each other and take it all one day at a time/one hour at a time.

Keep posting

[redundantandbitter]

whatnext how was the horse competition? To you feel a little better for getting out? I was thinking about your DS. Surely he has been let down by your DH leaving? You have both lost someone you've known for 11 years.

[Whatnext074]

Very strange day today. My H text this morning saying he doesn't think I'm sending all his post on as he's waiting for new bank card and his car documents (bloody man only passed his test after leaving me). I said I had posted everything as it's arrived and they haven't arrived and it's not nice to tell me I'm keeping mail from him. He said he wants me to put his mail in a new envelope rather than just write on the envelope. I told him to send me some stamps then. A letter arrived for him from Sky this morning so it looks like he is going ahead and stopping paying for that for a start and then it will be phone and internet.

My DS has been affected by my H leaving as he helped me bring him up from a young age. But my DS never wants to see him again. When we got engaged, he said he was very happy and only wanted H to treat me well and make me happy because I deserved it.

I went with my friend to the horse competition, lots of standing around and very chilly but for the first time in months, I felt 'normal' for a few hours. It really made a difference. Fresh air and somewhere me and H hadn't been so no memories. It wasn't the most thrilling of events but I felt relaxed for a few hours. Was actually an alien feeling to me but gave me a little hope.

[cjel]

Glad you had a taste of'normal' today , its a lovely feeling isnt it? I've been to a wedding today and went to service and reception with my dd then just cam home change and sat and cried!! H and OW are going to evening do(only invited after I said I wouldn't)
I also had horrid weekends as he never took me any where and him and ow have spent the last two years doing what I'd asked him to,going away and eating out. while pleading poverty to looking after me. Even said at one point 'I can't afford your lifestyle'!!!!!!

It really does help if you can make new memories, to start with you have t o force yourself and it all feels strained, but after a while you realise that you feel good and your 'together' life seems weird.
Hope you are having a good evening.

[Whatnext074]

I'm sorry to hear that cjel - very brave of you to go to a wedding at all, think it will be a long, long time before I feel strong enough to do that.

It must hurt that your H is doing that too, just adds to the pain. My H always took me to great places and we had so many memories and special places. It hurts just as much now as I know he's doing the same with his OW.

[cjel]

pain is horrid isn't it. Yes I was invited to a great friend of my sons (who lived with us for a while when teenagers) about 8 months after we split and the thought of standing in a church hearing vows with him there was too much for me at the time and I had to decline even though my son was best man for the first time
Today is over two years down the line not in a church so was more managable, Like you say some things are too hard but some are actually fun now.
We should be glad we both(you and me) had 'good' days today. The only way is up

[Whatnext074]

I hope so. Tiny steps. My chest is pounding again tonight but I haven't had a panic attack today which is positive. Take care cjel, thanks for checking on me.

[cjel]

pounding chest will stop. Hope you have a good night what.
Does me good to hear how you are getting on as well, similar stories similar feelings so its good to know we are not alone.

[MummysLittleSunbeams]

Put his mail in a new envelope????? Is he having a fricking laugh or what?? I really really hope the angry warrior in you makes herself known soon. Seriously where does this man get off? He's lucky you are not going over there with his mail & making a special delivery up his backside.

Well done for going out today. I hope you can maybe make this a regular occurrence. There are loads of places you could go, even if its for an hour on a Saturday - library, museum, park? Maybe you could see a film with your ds, something with lots of guns & men beating the shit out of each other - definitely no slushy stuff!

As for your h's stuff, is there anything there worth selling? I sell loads of stuff on eBay & there's good money to be had. It may be cathartic for you.

[Whatnext074]

He is totally in control of everything since this started and once I get my strength back, I know I'll take some control back. For now I'm being as reasonable as I can be until I'm strong again but I can't understand why he's still being so nasty and cold to me when we don't see or speak to each other. He hates me and I've done nothing wrong and don't deserve it.

MummysLittleSunbeams - your first paragraph did actually make me laugh! With regards to selling some of his stuff, I did think of it, he bought a very expensive camera recently and he did say I could have everything in the house so I was going to sell it to help pay bills but my DB and DS said not to as what he says isn't legally binding and it could come back to bite me.

[MummysLittleSunbeams]

Ok but if he can't prove he left it at the house & he can't prove that you sold it then surely he hasn't got a leg to stand on. Also if he can be so careless with his stuff as to leave it with the woman he's tossed aside like an old pair of socks then surely he cant expect it to be looked after & put away 'just in case he decides to ask for it back'??? I'd develop a serious case of selective amnesia if I were you. "Camera? What camera? I have no idea what you are talking about." You get the picture!

Please remember that when you are feeling a bit better than you are now, us women are more clever, cunning & devious than any man could possibly be. He bloody well will get his comeuppance, just you wait & see.

[Whatnext074]

I have hidden it though so when he finally does come to take the rest of his stuff, if he doesn't ask for it then I will assume he's left it to me.

I really do hope he gets his comeuppance at some point. If only he could experience my pain for one day. There's no need to continue to be so nasty to me.

I'm very sad tonight, we were very close on Saturday nights, just like an old married couple and I feel so alone tonight.

[cjel]

funny how 'us ' times are so sad, I think thats why I felt low today after the wedding, it was friends(son) that we were both at school with 40 years ago and it was hard not to have that wonderful storyteller/life and soul of the party there. I have to come home and count my blessings and know that i am now better off than I was. even at a party like that although he was good company, he dominated and evening so now I get to actually hear others speak
I'm going to bed, staying up late makes me think sad thoughtsxx

[Whatnext074]

'night cjel x

[redundantandbitter]

cjel and whatnext glad you both got out and god something today. Mixed feelings by the sounds of it, but new experiences and made memories. My day started badly, just tears and all those familiar feelings, then I met up with an old friend. He's a gay guy that I used to know but we lost touch after he saw how shitty my now EXP treated me that last time he left. So we went out, had a small meal (progress), met some of his friends and ended up at a Johnny Marr gig! Ok, so the tears were rolling down my face when he sang 'there is a light that never goes out' as that was one of our little sayings to each other... But overall I had such a fantastic evening with lovely people I barely know. And to think I nearly stayed at home on the sofa. So, I think i'm trying to say there's some hope and friendship and new things out there. Don't let your ex's be the ones with the 'new' lifestyle. Sleep well.

[FelineSad]

Whatnext I am going through a very similar experience to you (six weeks tomorrow since I accidentally found out about his affair and he walked out).

Everything you're going through is what I've gone through. He's being horrible to you because he feels guilty and he wants you to hate him so he can justify what he's done to you himself. My ex is doing a lot of the same thing. In fact he was exasperated with me at first because I didn't shout or get angry with him (I was in total shock at first and totally numb).

He actually seems happier when I am angry with him although unlike yours he's overly nice to me and couldn't be more helpful with practical things. However I refuse to play his games. I remain calm and sanguine in his presence (I also know it will really be playing with OW head when she knows we're still 'friendly' as she would prefer us to be at each other's throats). I refuse to try and assuage his guilt by scrwaming and shouting at him so he can justify his behaviour.

Stay strong. It's just one day at a time and that's all you can do.

[FelineSad]

whatnext Also just read your comments re your family. I had a big fall out with my parents over this. They are acting like I'm behaving like a teenager whose boyfriend of a week has been caught kissing another girl. I got told to 'pull myself together' otherwise I would lose my job (thankfully my boss has been through something similar so been more than helpful and sympathetic).

I actually said would you be more understanding if he'd died??? At least if he'd died we could have good memories plus in my case he keeps sending mixed messages and it's difficult when you think there maybe some hope (although could be equally misplaced hope).

[captainmummy]

He's being horrible to you because he feels guilty and he wants you to hate him so he can justify what he's done to you himself.
I refuse to try and assuage his guilt by screaming and shouting at him so he can justify his behaviour.

Exactly! Well said.

And as for his post - if he's that upset he can pay for the Post Office Redirection Service!

[Matildathecat]

Throw his sodding mail into a box and grant him access to your doorstep once a week to collect it.

What a grade one, extra knobs- on git. Even if you can't hate anything in his previous behaviour I hope you can now.

Camera? What camera?

[itwillgetbettersoon]

Hope you are ok today. There are so many lovely ladies on here who have been or are going through what you are going through. I am 18 mths on and it is hard but each day it gets easier.

Keep talking on here and we can help you.

Regarding his post I now put my STBXH post back in post box with 'not known at this address' as I don't know the man I married anymore!

[Custardo]

yeah, i wouldn't be passing on his post. And if he came round to use washing machine - i would accidentaly put bleach in.

but i'm not in your situation. I know my 7 stages of grief start with anger and we are all different

[cjel]

Had lovely brunch with 16 friends all squashed in my kitchen today and just cleared up. Heres to more new memories.
Hope you are having a good day. I also suggest re directing mail through post office if he thinks you are holding it - idiot.

[Custardo]

i think he should re-direct his mail if he's that fucking bothered.

if it were me i'd burn it