DH left for coworker - pain is unbearable

[Whatnext074]

I'm new here and really, really need some advice on how to cope.

My DH left 2 weeks ago when I found out about his affair with his co-worker. For 2 months previous to that it was like he changed overnight from a loving, caring devoted DH to a nasty, violent (to house not to me), verbally abusive stranger. It was like he had no filter and couldn't talk to me nicely even when I begged him to remember who I was as this was so out of character for him.

He became secretive with his phone and came home later and later and I asked him many times if there was someone else. He always said it was all in my head and he would only talk about divorce and selling the house. I put it out of my head as he had always said the thought of infidelity sickens him.

After he had stayed away for a week, I checked his bag and found a diary in there, he had bought one for the OW as well and it was their plan to be together, I was physically sick and even when I confronted him, he denied it. He has since admitted that he is with her and I need to move on. He says he did nothing wrong as he had already told me it was over! I said I am not some gf, I am his wife and it is adultery.

I told him to go and he is now renting a room 40 miles away but I know he spends a lot of time with this OW.

Last year, in the space of 9 months, I had 2 MC at 10 weeks and 3 months. Our niece passed away suddenly at 9 days old and our other niece passed away at 20 months old. On top of this, I was told I was being made redundant and for 3 months thought I'd lose my job until the last minute when I was told my job was available for the short term. I have also been bullied at work by a manager for 7 months. My DH was supportive throughout and always told me to keep it together at work and bring it home to him to talk through. We were each other's strength and we agreed to try once more for a baby.

We've been together 11 years, married for 4 years and were best friends and did everything together. This has shocked everybody who knows us.

I have seen him twice since, the 1st time last Sunday he cried a lot - I still think he's having some kind of breakdown - he's lost so much weight and is having tests for a potentially serious health condition. He said he has to live with the guilt and he knows he's done wrong but we were broken and he couldn't fix it. I saw him briefly yesterday and he was so cold to me again without reason. He continually says "we're over, we're done, get used to it as I'm not coming back". He is so hurtful.

He now wants me to divorce him for adultery as he says he deserves it. I have no intention of divorcing him.

My family and friends are supportive of me but they are worried - and so am I. I have so much pain, both physically and emotionally and to say it hurts is an understatement. I can't eat or sleep and have lost a lot of weight which I couldn't afford to do really, it's not intentional, I just cannot bear to eat properly.

I have seen my GP and for the 1st time in my life am on ADs and am having counselling which isn't really helping. I have anxiety attacks and hyperventilate. I feel I am dealing with so much grief and don't know how much more I can cope with.

[Whatnext074]

So I rushed in from my morning at work as I couldn't breathe and was crying uncontrollaby, another horrible anxiety attack. Then I see the lovely, lovely messages you have posted. I can't explain how grateful I am to have people's advice and checking in on me, thank you so much.

mumsforjustice - I still do think he's had some kind of breakdown and even after everything he's doing I am still worried about him. I know the traumas in such a short space of time did affect him but he thought he had to be strong for me and I know he never really dealt with it himself.

Wellwobbly - I think you are right, particularly as when I said he was weak, he shouted at me, "I'm not weak, don't ever tell me I'm weak", before breaking down crying. I believe this OW is a distraction from the pain of reality and the fact that he wants everything over with so quickly for us, he wants to end this part of his life so he doesn't have to deal with pain. He also said last week that he'll give me some distance and talk to me when I'm stronger. I think it's because he can't deal with the emotional wreck that he has caused so it's easier for him not to see it.

itwillgetbettersoon - so sorry that you are going through this too. It is just so unbelievable how quickly they change.

Longtallsally and Andwhynot - I'm not angry with him just yet. I think because it all happened so quickly, it was literally a complete personality change within a couple of days, that I am finding it hard not to focus on all our happy times and remember him that way. I hate what he's doing to me but I don't hate him, that's not because I'm a mug but I think because of what we've been through.

Andwhynot - I'm so glad you are able to feel anger now and that it is helping bring back your confidence. I hope you continue to get better through this awful time and get lots of hugs from your DD.

It sounds like I am making excuses for him and standing up for him but it's probably because we had such a loving marriage and we did everything together. He cooked, never let me carry any bags, loved shopping and we treated each other with respect - until this. I just have to keep reminding myself that he has treated me with zero respect now and has said some really horrible things and called me such nasty names. I don't deserve this.

[Whatnext074]

MistressDeeCee - he is saying those things when he comes round. I have seen him twice since I told him to go. He didn't take much with him so had to come back for some clothes (and to do his washing once)!

I can't help worrying about him as that's my nature or maybe I'm looking for some justification as to his behaviour to help me cope - I think that's more likely. I know that's not healthy for me and so as we're having a break in communication, I will try and focus on myself.

I think it also doesn't help being in the same house as I am surrounded by our memories, everything we bought together and rooms where we made plans. For now, I am stuck here and have made some changes, photos etc.

Thank you for your continued support and I'm sorry to hear that you have experienced this too but I find it comforting that you came through it and you talk a lot of sense.

[fromparistoberlin]

"He earns a lot of money and I don't even though I work F/T.


Darling, this is why you need a divorce, get it legalls agreed. he left you, and you need a good soliciter to gets whats fair and right

From an emotional POV, by do I feel for you. 2 MC, a family bereavement and now this. Jesus, its too much

in time you will realise you are better off, but you have a long road ahead of you xxx

[MistressDeeCee]

Whatnext074

You will have to find some way to screen out what he is saying. He comes round, goes then youre left with all the thoughts and angst

I wouldnt suggest for a minute you shouldnt worry or think about him - it would be a hard call wouldnt it, this is a man you were in a relationship with. You dont just forget, or think 'oh well he's changed, he's gone so thats it Im washing him out of my hair..'. wouldnt life be oh so easy if we could all do that...

Youre right, it doesnt help being stuck in the same house..awful when the memories are everywhere you look. Youve made some changes etc so why not try taking a deep breath and just putting EVERYTHING away - every single reminder - in a big box, then putting that box completely out of sight. Even if you have to scream, cry, swear whilst youre doing it..!

Thanks . Like other posters on here Ive been there before..its a very dark place to be and you need to talk with others whove been through it. We are evidence that you will come out the other side and go on with the new life you have a chance to create now

[Andwhynot]

Whatnext I completely felt the same way as you a few weeks back. I actually did his washing! I changed the photos, worried, thought he was having a breakdown and waited for him to turn up on the doorstep full of remorse.

I also thought that whatever I read about breakups on MN, my DH was always just that little bit different. He was always caring, compassionate and not capable of such cruelty. And he loved me. Truly loved me. Six weeks later the anger is getting me through the fact I misread him for 12 years.

[Longtallsally]

Whatnext - it is very early days for you yet. You are allowed to feel as you do - the anger stage may be a wee while away yet. This is your journey, even if it is not one you have chosen for yourself, and you need to take it at your pace, and to look after yourself as you go. One step at a time, one day at a time, and congratulate yourself (or let us do it) for each bit of progress that you make.

Have you managed to eat a little today? Remember that eggs are the easiest things to digest - a boiled egg with white bread'n'butter is fantastic comfort food - but if you fancy something else - soup? sausage sandwich? smoked salmon? - then go for it. The advice is always to eat little and often to keep your strength up. Protein drinks are good if you can't face anything else.

Is your ds at home with you? Can you share a sandwich/cake together if he is.

Well done on getting into work for day 2, and for getting home safely before full the panic attack. (I went through a stage in my life of having panic attacks too - ghastly things.)

Thinking of you.

[Whatnext074]

fromparistoberlin - he is seeing a solicitor this week to sort out the separation, he wants to pass more bills to me. I'm going to wait what he proposes and then see my solicitor again so I don't have to pay out for 2 visits now and after he sees his. I know I have 6 months to divorce him for adultery but I could also divorce him for unreasonable behaviour but I want to know about the financial proposal first.

MistressDeeCee - I intend to get a big box and put 'our' things in it and not look in it again. Family have suggested binning some things but I just think it will be more cathartic to lock it away.

Andwhynot - That is exactly how I feel, I go to bed thinking that he will come back soon and apologise and say he doesn't know what he was thinking and then I would be in control to decide whether I wanted him or not. I make excuses for him, I hate myself for it. He ended this so suddenly in the most cruel way and here I am feeling sorry for him. I always felt safe knowing he would never cheat on me as he always said he was disgusted by infidelity - how wrong he was and now I am disgusted with him.

[Whatnext074]

Longtallsally - thank you for asking. I have had 2 yoghurts today. I ate 4 fish fingers last night which was my first 'solids' in about 2 weeks and I didn't get sick for the first time in ages. I also have protein drinks sometimes.

My DS isn't here, he works away during the week and I don't think I'll see him until Sunday. He texts me though and he's going to see our GP on Monday as he's being very strong but this has hit him hard and he agreed he needs to talk things through with our very understanding GP. My DS keeps offering me money as well bless him but I don't want him to worry about money or offend him so I just tell him to keep hold of it and I'll ask him for it if I need it.

The panic attacks are horrible and just come on all of a sudden. I passed out from one but luckily my DM was with me and brought me round but it did scare her a lot. I hope they will ease - my H has made me so weak while he moves his life on - not fair.

[Longtallsally]

Evening Whatnext. How was your day today?

[Whatnext074]

Thank you for checking on me.

I feel so utterly dreadful today, I can't stop crying. I think it's because my H was working abroad for a few days so I knew he wouldn't be with OW but now he's back (we've had no contact since last Friday), I just can't deal with things very well. I know it doesn't matter whether he's away or not as we're over and he'll be in contact with OW whatever but I really am distraught today.

I also know he's seeing a solicitor tomorrow or Friday so I'm just waiting for that outcome (before I see mine). I really cannot deal with anymore hurt right now. I can't stop crying.

My boss said on Monday that for this week I need to do a few hours and when I feel it's too much then to go home. I got in early today and at lunchtime I felt like my skin was on fire and was trying to stop myself from crying so I asked if it was okay to go. I didn't sleep at all last night and I'm exhausted. She didn't appear too happy about me going and said I need to stay a bit longer tomorrow and she would catch up with me tomorrow about it. It just made me feel like people's patience is running out with me. A few friends have been amazing but I feel so alone - nobody seems to understand, or understand how to help me.

I also look absolutely terrible, my DM said I'm looking old and need to look after myself. I've tried make up but I just don't care anymore which is so unlike me.

I need some help.

[Longtallsally]

Aw bless you. It sounds like it is time to think about going back to the GP. Have you had much time off in the past few years? I know that you are worried about your job, but you must also look after yourself, too. You have had a huge shock on top of all of your recent losses - it's not surprising that you can't shake it all off and carry on as normal, after just a couple of weeks.

Others may be able to advise more about your rights at work.

Hang on in there. Your lovely ds will be back at the weekend, and things will become a little easier in some ways once your h has seen his solicitor and you can see yours too. Being in limbo is the worst situation for someone who suffers anxiety/panic attacks. (There are courses you can attend to give you coping strategies, but there are often long waiting lists for these.)

Thinking of you.

[Whatnext074]

I do need to go back to the GP as my work counselling ends on Monday and I need my GP to refer me through NHS.

My DS isn't home this weekend sadly but I have a friend round on Friday and another taking me to cinema on Saturday so that will help.

I think you're right, I'm just waiting in limbo to see what his solicitor says.

I can't believe he has just wiped me from his life after being so loving for 11 years. I try to remember all the good advice I've had from people on here but today is just incredibly hard and I'm thinking I can't continue with the pain anymore but then I get a lovely message so I thank you. Even strangers care about me.

[Longtallsally]

Strangers are just people you haven't had chance to talk to yet

You do know that however hard he pretends, he hasn't actually wiped you from his life, don't you? He has buried all of his feelings where they can't hurt him at the moment. But they are still there, they are real, and they will hurt him, when he is able to face thinking about what he has done. But by then you will have moved on, and you will have found a contentment - probably with someone else who will look after you and care for you - that he will never know.

In the meantime, do make sure that your GP knows all about the frequency and severity of your panic attacks.

Now, have you eaten something today

[Whatnext074]

You are an angel Longtallsally

I have eaten a bit today, think seeing myself in changing rooms at weekend scared me. Not really good on solid food but will get some eggs as you suggested to get some protein.

My DS is seeing our GP on Monday to talk things through so I will go after that. I'm lucky that our GP is such an understanding person. I keep remembering him saying to me, "doctor aside, if there was anything I could say to take away the pain, I would".

I know people care and are worried but I just hope H doesn't hurt me anymore as I can't take it.

[springybiffy]

Whatnext, I'm so sorry you are facing this terrible thing. The shock must be incredible - go easy on yourself, you are in shock. Take each day as it comes, moment by moment; be kind, kind, kind to yourself. The law will see things differently to the way he sees things. Your boss sounds like a cow, changing the goalposts. Maybe when you are further along, a change will be in order - you say you hate your job..

Re the panic/anxiety attacks, please try to keep an eye on your breathing. It is shallow breathing/stopping breathing that brings them on. If you are aware of your breathing and consciously take some deep breaths now and again - to your stomach, not your shoulders - this will help you to train yourself to keep breathing (and keep breathing well). I was crippled by panic attacks at one stage in my life, and this piece of advice got me sorted. So simple, yet so effective.

I feel for you so much. I don't care what he's been through, there is no excuse for what he has done.

[springybiffy]

Your GP sounds like an angel. How kind people can be.

[Whatnext074]

Thank you springybiffy - I do actually tell myself to breathe but you're right, I am in shock and I guess my body is going into 'coping' mode.

My boss doesn't understand, she is with a H that she can't stand and says I'm lucky mine has left!

I have worked there for a number of years and there are going to be further cuts in Spring. Since the beginning of the year, I have been getting interviews but I guess I'm just not in the right place to do my best. I've decided to give myself a break from looking for another job for a little while but I know I need to get another job. My H said I should have stopped applying for jobs as it put pressure on our relationship - I was just trying to make things better for us. It appears I couldn't do anything right in his eyes over past couple of months and all his anger was directed at things I was doing to help us.

My GP is wonderful and I'm lucky, he said he is angry at what H is doing to me and does he actually know how much pain he's causing. Might sound unprofessional but he knows our history and was truly shocked at what he's doing. I guess it will help my case too if my H does decide to go down the divorce route under my unreasonable behaviour to have a medical person do a report on my behalf.

[Andwhynot]

Sorry you are having a little blip, Whatnext and glad that your GP is sympathetic even if your boss isn't.

It's difficult not to dwell on the OW, I know. I had been managing well but XH seems so deliriously happy that I feel myself beginning to crumble again. I have ordered the Paul McKenna book mentioned on another thread 'I Can Mend Your Broken Heart' figuring for £7.69 he can give it a go if he feels that confident! I'll let you know if it's any help.

The eating thing is tough too so don't be too hard on yourself. I just thought about the one meal I would really want and stuck with that night after night. For some strange reason it was fried chicken which did make me feel a little like Elvis but it got me through that patch quite nicely. Thank you, thank you very much.

[Whatnext074]

Feeling just terrible today, so upset and pains in my chest.

My H went for his chest x-ray this morning, you may remember that he said the GP said he's showing all signs of lung cancer but it would be 'unlucky' at his age. He had blood tests last week too.

I'm really struggling with the fact that I should be the first person he tells what the outcome was if things between us had stayed the same. Instead I know it is the OW who knows all the details and probably wished him luck or even went with him for support. I was the one who pleaded with him for weeks to see a doctor and I was the one he blamed for the pains he's having in his anger moments.

I won't know what the outcome was and it's tearing me apart because despite everything he's done, I still worry about him. I feel just dreadful but am trying not to text him to ask as we've had no contact since he was nasty last week.

[Whatnext074]

Do I text him to ask how he got on??

[Scarletpink]

No you don't text him. I know you care about him and what may be wrong, and I do understand that - but at the end of the day he has shown you no consideration at all, even blaming you for him being ill.

Think about how much worse you would feel if you did text and then got no response at all.

[springybiffy]

I agree to not text. It must be so hard for you not to, but you really mustn't. He will probably blame you for not texting - as he's up to his eyes in self-pity at the moment, and you're the fall guy for it all ( ) - but whatever you do won't be right as far as he's concerned.

Very hard for you, not knowing. But it is part of detaching and, hard as it is, I really think it won't help you to text. You really must protect yourself now. One of your last posts said you can't take being hurt any more, and I do think he could hurt you in any exchanges over this.

thinking of you whatnext

[Longtallsally]

Agree that you are far more likely to be hurt more if you do text than if you don't. You are looking after you now. Can you buy yourself a box of chocolates, and every time you feel like texting him, give yourself a chocolate instead?

If he asks why you didn't text, the answer is "You left me for another woman. It's none of my business". It will sound as if you are strong (even if you feel weak as dishwater), and that will be a shock to him. He will be expecting you to need to know. It will make him start to see you in a different light.

It's not the end of the world if you send him three or four words - How were test results? - but it will set you back a bit in your own recovery if you do. Breaking dependence is tough - like giving up smoking. One ciggy after two weeks of no smoking may not seem like much, but it makes the next week a lot, lot harder.

Your chest pains are probably linked to the panic attacks, by the way. You are breathing differently, using the chest muscles differently, and they will also be tense/in spasm at times: I certainly had the same symptom with my panic attacks.

Thinking of you.

[Whatnext074]

I know you're all right, and thank you for thinking of me.

I didn't know when his appointment was as he changed it last week as he was working away. He text me this morning (first time in a week) just to say he was going to his hospital appointment and he would be in town briefly after. I know that he sent that text to warn me in case we bumped into each other in town as it would have been my lunch break. I didn't reply to that text.

I feel sad as I had this stupid, weak feeling that he might come to the house after, say how he got on and that he was scared or worried and he was sorry for blaming me. Or the same scenario if it was a good result that he would say he was sorry for blaming me for his pains in his side and he was relieved he was okay. He didn't come here. I was stupid for thinking he would and even more stupid for thinking he will suddenly start to care about me as he did for so many years.

[Longtallsally]

Don't feel bad about your feelings Whatnext They are an important part of you - you can't just switch them off, but you are in charge of what you do, now. You are still processing everything and it is natural to want him to talk to you and to apologise to you (goodness knows he should do that - he should be grovelling on his flamin' knees). You are not stupid, you are incredibly brave and coping with an incredibly difficult situation. You should feel v. proud of yourself that you did not reply to his text this morning.

Small steps, small victories for you along the way.

Are you managing to eat a bit more now? Do I remember that you said somewhere you enjoyed fish fingers? Treat yourself to some comfort food - why should kids be the ones who get fish fingers and chips at the weekend?!

(And have you changed his name in your phone yet. If you can't bear something ruder, perhaps something like Smellysox would help you smile a little if he ever has to text you, and to remind you that he aint no knight in shining armour, just a very very fallible (and totally twattish) bloke.