DH left for coworker - pain is unbearable

[Whatnext074]

I'm new here and really, really need some advice on how to cope.

My DH left 2 weeks ago when I found out about his affair with his co-worker. For 2 months previous to that it was like he changed overnight from a loving, caring devoted DH to a nasty, violent (to house not to me), verbally abusive stranger. It was like he had no filter and couldn't talk to me nicely even when I begged him to remember who I was as this was so out of character for him.

He became secretive with his phone and came home later and later and I asked him many times if there was someone else. He always said it was all in my head and he would only talk about divorce and selling the house. I put it out of my head as he had always said the thought of infidelity sickens him.

After he had stayed away for a week, I checked his bag and found a diary in there, he had bought one for the OW as well and it was their plan to be together, I was physically sick and even when I confronted him, he denied it. He has since admitted that he is with her and I need to move on. He says he did nothing wrong as he had already told me it was over! I said I am not some gf, I am his wife and it is adultery.

I told him to go and he is now renting a room 40 miles away but I know he spends a lot of time with this OW.

Last year, in the space of 9 months, I had 2 MC at 10 weeks and 3 months. Our niece passed away suddenly at 9 days old and our other niece passed away at 20 months old. On top of this, I was told I was being made redundant and for 3 months thought I'd lose my job until the last minute when I was told my job was available for the short term. I have also been bullied at work by a manager for 7 months. My DH was supportive throughout and always told me to keep it together at work and bring it home to him to talk through. We were each other's strength and we agreed to try once more for a baby.

We've been together 11 years, married for 4 years and were best friends and did everything together. This has shocked everybody who knows us.

I have seen him twice since, the 1st time last Sunday he cried a lot - I still think he's having some kind of breakdown - he's lost so much weight and is having tests for a potentially serious health condition. He said he has to live with the guilt and he knows he's done wrong but we were broken and he couldn't fix it. I saw him briefly yesterday and he was so cold to me again without reason. He continually says "we're over, we're done, get used to it as I'm not coming back". He is so hurtful.

He now wants me to divorce him for adultery as he says he deserves it. I have no intention of divorcing him.

My family and friends are supportive of me but they are worried - and so am I. I have so much pain, both physically and emotionally and to say it hurts is an understatement. I can't eat or sleep and have lost a lot of weight which I couldn't afford to do really, it's not intentional, I just cannot bear to eat properly.

I have seen my GP and for the 1st time in my life am on ADs and am having counselling which isn't really helping. I have anxiety attacks and hyperventilate. I feel I am dealing with so much grief and don't know how much more I can cope with.

[Mollywashup]

I don't know if it might help to write a letter and say all the things you want to say to him good and bad (obviously not send it) maybe just writing it all down may help you

[JustBecauseICan]

How do you cope? By carrying on talking to, and listening to, the wise women already on this thread.

This man isn't worthy of the air he breathes. He is a disgusting specimen.

You can, and will get through this and you will come out of it and wonder why you wasted your years with such an abusive twat.

Do not spend any more time worrying about his health. Make yourself better and try not to give a flying fuck about someone who clearly cares so little about anyone other than himself.

[Whatnext074]

Music is very powerful and a big part of my life - am having to change my music as it brings back so many memories. There are a couple that I do listen to which helps during my angry moments.

MistresDeeCee - I considered hypnotherapy, do you recommend it? Even if it is just to help me relax, I know it can't take away the hurt.

nopanicandverylittleanxiety - I did put some things into bin bags for him, mainly some things that are our memories that I told him it's too painful to deal with. He said he'll sort through when he gets a car.

That's another kick in the teeth, for 11 years I have driven him round as he refused to learn to drive, now he has his drivers license, he is planning on buying a BMW/Audi/Merc - German cars - his OW is German. Makes me sick.

He's working in Germany for few days next week, so I won't hear from him, in fact I don't think I'll hear from him for a while and I won't contact him. It's so hard not to though as whenever my phone goes, I think/hope it's him. Even though he has caused me so much pain.

I am 40 in a few months, he planned for years that he was going to take me back to our honeymoon place and make it really special. I am so scared of what the future holds. People tell me there will be something else round the corner but there's just been so much grief, that I can't be positive.

Thank you for your responses, they help.

[MistressDeeCee]

Whatnext074 - Hypnotherapy did help me, yes. It did help me to relax and deal with some issues. At the time I was desperate and I believe it did help me move forward quicker, as I just couldnt function for a while.

I couldnt listen to music for months, scared to come across songs which reminded me of him so I do understand what you mean about the music. Putting away his stuff is also a good thing.

Of course you hope its him on the phone - youre only human. Yes, the future is scary but you must walk into it for your own sake. Try all you can to do anything that will make you feel better. Be around supportive friends, do something youve always wanted to do but never got round to, dont sit moping around the house it will keep you trapped in a feeling that isnt good for you. You have to go through the grieving process..it would be so nice to not have to go through that but, its not to be..so be kind to yourself. Youre not going to feel better for a while, but there are small steps you can take to keep functioning, and ultimately thats what will help you in the end.

When it happened to me, I had to work and it was terrible. I didnt tell colleagues. But just felt I didnt want to be there, didnt want to hear their voices. I had to rush off to the loo several times throughout the day, to cry. It was terrible. But you know..all these years later Im still here. I got over it. At the time I thought that was impossible. But..it really isnt. Take 1 step at a time. Its hard when youre grieving and you know he is off making a new life for himself. But what you must do is, make a new life for yourself. Easier said than done, and its a hard thing to do. But, do it you will..

[Whatnext074]

Thank you. I have taken a week off work but I am back on Monday and dreading it as I actually look so different.

I have only told a few close friends at work but my manager is asking me to tell the rest of my team. I am a very private person and I don't want to tell anybody other than my support network - people gossip and won't understand even if they knew the whole story. I'm worried about breaking down at work but I've been there before when I lost our little ones.

I so miss the hugs, the company, the plans, the intimacy - he has stripped all of that from me in the most cruel of ways. I felt desperate earlier today before coming on here - I scared myself as to what I'd do so thank you for all your kind support.

[Neeliethere]

Oh Dear Whatnext074
I am currently in a very similar place to you. My husband of 20 years has met someone else. He blames me entirely for the breakdown of our marriage and is very, very hostile and aggressive towards me. He also wants to talk to me about the new woman. I too find myself thinking about him being with her the way he was with me, but bizarrely only the good ways. There are so many things that remind me of good times and I want to cry. The pain is so intense. About three weeks ago I took some pills to deaden the pain. They didn't deaden the pain, they made me violently sick and other stuff. I then thought I wish I could die it hurts so much. I then took myself off the hospital after numerous calls to Samaritans during which I just cried and snivelled and sobbed and hung up. Poor beggars at the other end of the line. I have to admire the work they do I really do. I am now on Anti depressants too. My health visitor says not surprising as earlier this year I spent a month watching my poor father's life slowly ebb out of him and he died. Two weeks later another close friend died and two weeks after that my dear brother in law died. The day after my father's funeral my husband announced he was sick of my moods and wanted a divorce. He shouted and got more and more aggressive over the next few weeks resulting in me leaving the family home hoping that my 15 year old daughter would follow me. But she didn't as he is the master manipulator much like your man and she wanted to stay in the home she was familiar with anyway. I make myself feel slightly better when I think of the bad things and remember that leopards never change their spots. He is rushing headlong into a relationship with a woman that has young kids. Clearly has issues as she is unable to work (apparently). Not able to let the kids meet him in case the ex finds out about him. He is a very, very angry person and I have now twice had to intervene when he's lost his temper with our daughter and grabbed her in an argument. I can see in his face he is stressed beyond belief but he insists this wonderful new woman is much, much nicer than me. Loves him more than I ever did. Is fitter, slimmer, prettier, kinder, more generous etc etc. So why is he so angry? Beyond me.
But here's the best bit. He's only known her for about 6 weeks!!!!

That makes me feel stronger. I know I am the stronger one of us. He is a weak person that has to find another immediately as he is not able to be complete on his own. (he was still living with mum and dad when he met me and moved in pretty quickly). He proposed to me within 3 months and we were married within a year. He is doing exactly the same again and now saying he wants the divorce started and finalised. We've been separated just 4 months now.

But suddenly just over the last three or four days I have started to come out of the fog. I too spent weeks flogging myself and blaming the breakdown on me entirely. My thinking was how he had met someone and he was so happy ergo it must be me. But now I know he is just repeating the same old pattern and will be in exactly the same kind of relationship as he was with me in a year's time. Once the rose tinted glasses have lost their glow.

Relationships where you start out angry with your ex do not work. Relationships where you are scared shitless she's going to find out that your soon to be ex wife still stays at the house you shared with her when you are out with your new woman do not work.

Relationships where you sneak your new woman into the marital home pretending your wife is nowhere to be seen do not work.

Relationships that start within weeks of the split do not work.

Relationships with a woman with young children when you didn't like to spend time with your own kids will not work.

But at the bottom of me I want his relationship to work because it means he won't ever come back to me with his tail between his legs begging forgiveness. If that should happen I hope I will be in a position to glare at him and say sorry buddy too late, I've moved on.


Well that was a rant. But it is my way of showing you, it doesn't take as long as you fear. You will come through. You will think some days the pain has lessened and you are OK. Then you will get a day or a moment when it will come back again. But those days and those moments will become less and less frequent.

When was I in hospital and phone Samaritans you may ask? Well it was just three weeks ago. I'm not out of the woods completely but I am making plans for the future. I have moved back into the marital home and he is moving out to be with this woman and I have got my daughter back. I can see clearly that she loves me. I can see clearly that we will continue to have the bond I so nearly lost. I can also see clearly that my life will be better without the self centred, egotistical bastard I have spend 20 years with. The realisation that it is not normal to be wondering all the time if what came of his mouth was the truth or just another lie to get his own way like a four year old.

I look forward to a decent honest life on my own, or perhaps with a decent honest person if one happens to come along. I would like to think that I will be in a good position to be able to see that person too and not make the same mistake again. I know the warning signs now.

Hang on in there. You will come through. Trust me you will.

[Whatnext074]

Neeliethere - thank you so much for sharing and I'm sending you hugs for your bereavements. It seems to me that some H don't know how to handle the grief. Did your H display any of those attributes before or was it out of the blue too?

His OW isn't married and as far as I know has no children. This is a total escape for him away from the realities of life which we have found can be heart-breaking.

I am glad you came through taking some pills. The thing that stops me is reminding myself that no matter how much I miss my H, my son would miss me a hundred times more forever if I did end my pain. I have to keep remembering that.

I always thought he was the stronger one as he seemed so level-headed and had all the answers but I'm not the one who left when things got really challenging, I would never have cheated on him and would have loved him forever. He asked me recently where the strong, independent woman that he fell in love with went - not surprisingly, I have had quite a bit to deal with lately and grief and bullying (from a manager) does knock you!

I'm guessing this is the strong independent woman he wants as his OW is an accountant.

When I read his diary, I spoke to my MIL a few days after and she said I had no right to read his personal thoughts and that he told me we were over anyway so he's done the 'noble' thing!! I was so utterly upset at her discarding me so easily too.

I wish you well and it is comforting to know that there is hope that I will be okay. I just want the pain and the thoughts to stop so I can get better. When I saw him yesterday he said he'll leave me alone for a few weeks until I'm stronger - how kind - I think it's more that he can't bear to see the pain in what he's doing.

[MistressDeeCee]

Whatnext074 Please ask your manager not to tell the rest of your team. & mention to her that you wont be telling the whole team either. This is your private matter, you tell who you want to.

Yes, this man has stripped away the future you thought you had, so you must construct a new one. & you will. Give yourself time to heal. Hopefully being at work after some time off may make you feel just a little better actually; having a routine to get into is better than too much time to think. If youre up to it soon, think about a hobby, class etc on a couple of evenings as well as a night out with a friend. Honestly, sitting around the house thinking a lot will make you feel a lot worse. & your son will want to know youre trying to feel better, too.

[MistressDeeCee]

Neeliethere youve had a lucky escape. Its the OW who will now have to put up with this emotionally abusive man. Something you said reminded me of my Ex - whenever I went through something traumatic, I remember the death of a very good friend - he acted cold and uncaring towards me. I felt he was gleeful in the face of my distress. I am glad I have our lovely daughters who are supportive of me, understanding much more as theyre growing up now. & a lovely OH who is as far removed from that coldhearted dickhead as possible.

Whatnext074 I hope you can find some strength from Neeliethere's story. Your OH is staying away because its easier for him; he CAN bear your pain because its not his. I dont mean to be harsh in saying that. But at times its just best to see coldheartedness for exactly what it is. There is nothing decent in what he is doing. You are his wife and he has not treated you well. Treat yourself well and know that you will get over this.

[Whatnext074]

I will, I thought today that there is no way I can go back to work yet, GP wanted to sign me off for 2 weeks but I said a week. Then today I've felt so utterly low and thought I can't go back. I hate my job, I'm not too busy anymore there and it gives me more time to think and the way I'm treated by this other manager but as my job is at risk, I can't cause waves. I will go back on Monday though.

It is private and I don't want everyone knowing so will make sure she doesn't tell the team - that would be just gossip for them and I'm not that close to them. I'm still wearing my wedding ring also, don't know whether I should take it off but this isn't my doing and my vows meant everything to me.

I'm trying everything, counselling, ADs, speaking to friends/family but during those times of desperation, I really, really struggle.

I have been productive this week, have seen a financial adviser and had the house valued twice but was upset when they said what I could afford to move into as we had been making plans to move anyway and now I can't even afford the house/area I'm in.

I started painting parts of the house and my H said yesterday, "if you're doing that to impress me, it's not going to work", I was doing it to keep my mind busy and he just shot me down again and I spent the rest of the day curled up in a ball. How can someone so loving turn so cruel??

[MistressDeeCee]

Dont take your ring off if you dont want to. & youre right about work, your life isnt gossip fodder for others.

You are in desperate times but keep on doing all that youre doing with the ADs, talking to friends and family, etc. Im dubious about the counselling as it doesnt sound as if your counsellor is assisting you really see how you feel about continuing it. Or perhaps try Hypnotherapy as you sounded interested in that.

You are already at the stage of having the house valued? Thats quick..but still if you cant afford to live where you are then its practical, at least.

As for "if you're doing that to impress me, it's not going to work" you do know youre going to have to find a way to detach from your H's cruel comments, dont you? The man is callous. Do yourself a favour and cut contact, you wont feel any worse for it but you WILL feel worse if you allow yourself to be present so that his vitriol sends you into a corner curled up into a ball. Is his presence worth that feeling?

How can someone so loving turn so cruel? Unfortunately, people can hide their character for years. Your H sounds narcissistic, emotionally abusive and theres some passive aggression going on, to. If it wont make you feel worse, you can look up lots of info online about it (BUT dont do it if it will make you feel worse) or even, read up on some other relationship threads. Youll find some women have been through the mill, and Im sure all started off with loving partners. If someone is cruel then theyre cruel, unfortunately.

You need to heal. You probably do want your H to be around. I remember loving & hating my H at the same time, wanting every text/call to be from him. It was, actually. But it didnt do me any good and just made it longer for me to move on, because he wasnt kind. Talked quite roughly at times. I also got the claptrap in between the unkindness 'oh i know Im a bastard for doing this to you, I can hardly live with myself, oh what have I done' blah blah blah..it didnt stop him from being with the OW tho. It was just useless, empty talk whilst he got on with doing exactly what he chose to do.

Youve had some good advice from various posters on this thread. Read through it again. If you have anyone you can call on tonight and you feel the need then do so - even if its the Samaritans. & Mumsnet can be a lifesaver at times I found that out back then, when I was going through similar. There are times when women just need women to talk to...

[Whatnext074]

I got the house valued mainly because my family encouraged me to do so and also because H wants the house on the market by January - mortgage is in both names. I will take my time doing what I need to do though, I am in no frame of mind to make any decisions right now.

I actually find it hard to believe that someone can hide their cruel side for 11 years but maybe it just took our trauma to bring it out. My brother says to forget him as he is not the man I married and I know I'm mourning the man he used to be.

Do you know, he stunned me when he came last Sunday and put his washing on and used the tumble dryer?! Why can't his OW let him use hers??? Madness. Yes, I let him but more out of shock.

Instead of thinking of reasons to text/email him, I will stop contact and come on here if I feel weak.

I have found it so helpful with all the advice I've had tonight and will read through it tomorrow to remind myself.

Thank you MistressDeeCee

[Neeliethere]

You poor thing. I know exactly how you feel. I am constantly drafting emails but I don't send them they just sit in the draft box. Some I have sent, but normally they are just replies for one he has sent. Any text messages I send are about our Daughter. Sometimes they result in a texting row. But i remain polite and calm throughout. He resorts to swearing and being pretty abusive. He hates that I am now calm and collected. What he really hates is that he is not getting his own way. He met this woman and within four weeks of meeting her he was inviting her to our house and wanting our daughter to "get to know her". Well hearing that she was a single mother with two under school age kids and had in his words "nothing having fled her husband" didn't work and lived in a grotty area. Alarm bells rang. I saw a solicitor who advised I move back in no matter how tough it might be and I do so before six months were up as that is the cut off where he could possibly stop me moving back in to the marital home. He has been advised that he can't stop me doing so and he is furious. He is now looking for a flat to move into and his little dream of conducting this relationship in the (large detached) marital home with her kids and my daughter all being one big happy family has been dashed. He is absolutely livid and can barely control his rage. That is how he has always has been. Puts fists through walls or doors if he can't have something he has set his heart on.
I cannot be phased by this. I used to normally back down or he would just do what he wanted any way and deal with fall out afterwards. Unfortunately he can't now. So be strong. Be impassive when he asks this stuff and tell him to take his ruddy washing elsewhere.
You don't have to put the house on the market straight away and I think he's being utterly horrible to expect it so quickly. You just sit there and tell him to either write to you for what he wants or to get a lawyer to do so. That is what I do with mine. I've now got a solicitor that is briefed up on the facts and figures but I have no need to rush things so I'll let him waste hundreds on solicitors fees and just sit on my money while he wastes all his trying to get free to tie the knot with this woman before she sees the cracks. As they say, it is best to stay calm outwardly, even if your insides are screaming. I have to ask; if you don't need any contact why is he visiting and talking to you so regularly. I'm assuming your son is an adult so no need to contact there. Block his phone number. I wish I could, but I need regular contact to deal with daughter issues. I am thinking of blocking his number any way as my daughter at 16 is old enough to deal with most things directly with me. I don't really need to converse with him at all really. I can't believe this is me talking. Me that was sobbing and crying in his arms just three weeks ago saying I loved him still.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

" H wants the house on the market by January"

What he wants is totally irrelevant now. It's your home so stay put. You're still in a very raw emotional state, you're confused, self-pitying and you miss what you had... all normal. But, rather than turning this inward on yourself you have to find a way to get thoroughly angry at him. It's going to take time and distance so I'm very relieved that you've cut all contact.

I think you probably should tell colleagues that you've had a traumatic experience. You don't have to go into any details but, if you're struggling and people know in advance, they can make allowances. If you act strangely and they have no clue why, then they can appear heartless and that's not what you need.

Hope you feel stronger this morning

[CupOCoffee]

So you have a son? How old is he? Is he your husbands?

Get legal advice asap. I've heard that sometimes its possible for the mum and children to stay in the family home until the child is grown up, but i don't know what the circumstances have to be.

Definitely get legal advice, don't just do what he wants you to do as he doesn't have your best interests at heart.

He really doesn't get to call all the shots here, despite what he thinks.

The law is generally protective of women and the children you care for.

[CupOCoffee]

Also, don't let him bring his washing to your house, in fact if he's moved out you don't have to let him in at all. Its your home now and you are entitled to your privacy.

[Whatnext074]

CupOCoffee - we are both on the mortgage so he can come in to the house but I have asked that he gives me notice of when he's coming and he does at the moment.

The washing thing really threw me, he stayed at the OW house the night before so why didn't he do it there??

My son is 20 and my H is his Step Dad so he has no legal obligation for him as he is an adult. It does mean that I do need to get another 2 bedroom property though which I can't afford on what he's proposing so I'll just have to sit tight for now. If he stops paying the mortgage, I can't afford it and so we both get blacklisted and as a young professional man who loves his platinum card, he won't want to do that - I hope....

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Just because he's on the mortgage, it doesn't give him free access to the property. If you don't want him there at all, you can tell him to stay away quite legitimately. He should respect your privacy.

[Whatnext074]

I'm not coping too well this morning. Managed to get a few hours sleep albeit disturbed sleep.

I was looking forward to my lovely SIL visiting today but she's just had to cancel. I thought at least I have something planned with someone I love but now I don't know what to do. Today there is nobody else available for me to see. Sundays are 'family times' and I can't impose.

I can't face going out today after my panic attack yesterday. Every part of this town reminds me of what we had, we moved here together because we both loved it and made so many plans.

I feel so, so sad and the first thing I thought when I woke up was about them snuggled up together and planning their day like we used to. It hurts beyond belief.

[angel1976]

Whatnext You are NOT alone. My story is very similar to yours, STBXH told me end Feb he didn't love me anymore, had feelings for someone else at work and moved out in April. I cried solidly for a month. My close friends took turns to see me everyday and I cried and lost so much weight.

Six months on and YOU WILL NOT RECOGNISE ME. I am truly happy, my two young DCs have adapted to their new 'two homes' lives, I am meeting new friends (not dating as I make it fairly clear in the beginning I am not looking for anything right now but friends) and I am finding myself again. Several things I did that really helped:

• Surround yourself with loves one. Don't be ashamed or scared to ask for help. Your true friends and family will give everything to help you when you are hurting. I found having their support really helped. My turning point was seeing my parents (who live very far away) and they were so hurt on my behalf and I realised that if not for me, for them, I need to live better and happily and I should not be wasting energy on my ex but spend my energy loving people who love me instead.

• Get all the professional help you can get - I went to my doctor's and got myself self-referred to a therapist straightaway. And my friend's father was doing a lift coaching free trial and I did that too. It really helped focus my mind on other things and started working through my pain straightaway.

• Take up an activity you have abandoned but loved - For me that was running. I put on the danciest music I have and go running. And the moment I started running, I could feel my mood lifting.

• Just go out - Anywhere and do anything! On the days my DCs are at their dad, I don't stay at home and dwell on things, I go out and have fun with my friends - I have gone for afternoon tea, spa, shopping, gigs, plays etc, all things I missed out on being a mum...

• Give yourself time - I was at my therapist a few days ago and he reminded me how panicky I was in the early days when I would just go in and cry about how I was going to cope financially etc. Six months on, ex and I have almost come to a financial agreement that we both agree on, which means we will stay on in this house for a while longer and maintain stability for our DCs longer. I didn't think this was a viable arrangement in the early days, sometimes you just need time for the cloud to clear so you can see clearly again.

• Be kind to yourself - You will have good and bad days so be kind, it is okay to grieve for your relationship etc BUT never get bitter, as the only person you will hurt is yourself. The only way really is to love better from now on! Take care.

[itwillgetbettersoon]

Whatnext, I'm sorry you are not feeling good today. Sundays are hard. I know how you feel. My H left me after 20 years for a young colleague of his. I found work really helpful as it got me out of the house, made me get dressed and wash my hair. My colleagues were amazing. They made offers of help, they ignored me when snivelling in the corner (what I wanted them to do) but they kept me going. They also understand why my behaviour was odd. You may be pleasantly surprised with your colleagues. Most people ultimately are very kind.

Don't rush into doing anything. I'm now 18 mths further on and I've not done anything yet as I will to be 100% strong to ensure that I get what I rightly need. My H is paying his part of the mortgage so while he continues to do that I will sort my head out.

Cutting contact is the best advice ever. I ignored that advice for mths and got into some awful text wars which are just draining and a waste of energy. It took me about a year to only communicate about the kids. I wish I had done it earlier.

At the moment I'm trying to like myself, be happy in my company and build up a new group of friends. It all takes time. Only this morning I was thinking perhaps when h has kids for a few hours I could join a walking club to get me out.

Keep on looking after yourself. It will get better. He isn't the man you married anymore. X

[Whatnext074]

angel1976 and itwillgetbettersoon - thank you for sharing your experience. I hope I will regain my strength soon. This time of year is so hard anyway with all the seasonal stock in shops and everyone talking about their plans for Christmas. My heart is broken, we always made this time of year special and I can't believe he will be doing that with someone else now.

He has asked to cut contact with me as he said he can't make this better but he is trying not to make it harder - how thoughtful! I think it's because he's just switched off from what he's done and the pain he's causing so having no contact with me is easier for him. I'm not contacting him though unless absolutely necessary.

He's doing the worst possible thing but I can't help it, I'm ashamed to say I miss him so much. I have to keep reminding myself that he's not the man I married anymore but as this change of character happened in such a short space of time, I am struggling as I only seem to remember the 11 years of happiness we had.

Oh God, this hurts and I wish it would go away.

[CupOCoffee]

It sounds as though he is telling you how things should be and you're doing what you're told ie.

Him saying he can come in your home

His bringing his washing

Him deciding when the house will go on the market

His making proposals which leave you without the money to buy a new place

It seems to me that you need to start kicking some arse! That includes getting legal advice. I get the impression he's used to being in charge and getting what he wants. He doesn't get to make all the decisions here so that everything weighs in his favour which is what he's trying to do.

I know you've had a terrible time and an awful shock, but unless you defend your interests he's going to screw you over.

If you are married than i bet you are entitled to more than he is offering you. No matter how he wraps it up as only fair, i imagine it isn't fair at all.

[Xollob]

So sorry . You manager is out of order - there is no way you should be forced to tell the team - that is ridiculous. As for him wanting to use the washing machine ... [anger]

[Whatnext074]

CupOCoffee - I know he's the one telling me how this will work out. I used to be really strong and independent, brought up my DS on my own for 6 years and worked F/T, don't need a medal but it wasn't easy as a lot of women know.

I saw a solicitor last month but then I didn't know what he was doing. He is seeing a solicitor this week sometime so I'll wait to see what comes of that and then see my solicitor again.

My financial adviser said never accept the first offer of a settlement. My H is on a high salary and can walk away knowing that he still has that and can buy whatever he wants and know his conscience is clear as he has paid me off - his OW is an accountant and must also be on a high salary so they will be fine financially. He also said I can have everything in the house - leave me to sort the sh*t out!

I am trying to stay reasonable at the moment with regards to him as I can't take any more hurt or surprises, think it will send me over the edge. I will get my strength back sometime.