DH left for coworker - pain is unbearable

[Whatnext074]

I'm new here and really, really need some advice on how to cope.

My DH left 2 weeks ago when I found out about his affair with his co-worker. For 2 months previous to that it was like he changed overnight from a loving, caring devoted DH to a nasty, violent (to house not to me), verbally abusive stranger. It was like he had no filter and couldn't talk to me nicely even when I begged him to remember who I was as this was so out of character for him.

He became secretive with his phone and came home later and later and I asked him many times if there was someone else. He always said it was all in my head and he would only talk about divorce and selling the house. I put it out of my head as he had always said the thought of infidelity sickens him.

After he had stayed away for a week, I checked his bag and found a diary in there, he had bought one for the OW as well and it was their plan to be together, I was physically sick and even when I confronted him, he denied it. He has since admitted that he is with her and I need to move on. He says he did nothing wrong as he had already told me it was over! I said I am not some gf, I am his wife and it is adultery.

I told him to go and he is now renting a room 40 miles away but I know he spends a lot of time with this OW.

Last year, in the space of 9 months, I had 2 MC at 10 weeks and 3 months. Our niece passed away suddenly at 9 days old and our other niece passed away at 20 months old. On top of this, I was told I was being made redundant and for 3 months thought I'd lose my job until the last minute when I was told my job was available for the short term. I have also been bullied at work by a manager for 7 months. My DH was supportive throughout and always told me to keep it together at work and bring it home to him to talk through. We were each other's strength and we agreed to try once more for a baby.

We've been together 11 years, married for 4 years and were best friends and did everything together. This has shocked everybody who knows us.

I have seen him twice since, the 1st time last Sunday he cried a lot - I still think he's having some kind of breakdown - he's lost so much weight and is having tests for a potentially serious health condition. He said he has to live with the guilt and he knows he's done wrong but we were broken and he couldn't fix it. I saw him briefly yesterday and he was so cold to me again without reason. He continually says "we're over, we're done, get used to it as I'm not coming back". He is so hurtful.

He now wants me to divorce him for adultery as he says he deserves it. I have no intention of divorcing him.

My family and friends are supportive of me but they are worried - and so am I. I have so much pain, both physically and emotionally and to say it hurts is an understatement. I can't eat or sleep and have lost a lot of weight which I couldn't afford to do really, it's not intentional, I just cannot bear to eat properly.

I have seen my GP and for the 1st time in my life am on ADs and am having counselling which isn't really helping. I have anxiety attacks and hyperventilate. I feel I am dealing with so much grief and don't know how much more I can cope with.

Hi, I'm so sorry for all your pain and losses. You are doing incredibly well.

I just wanted to add that although my situation is different, I have suffered a major and life changing trauma, too. My mum, who I get on well with in a kind of chit chat way, has been completely unable to deal with it. When I told her on the phone that I'd been fired (ill health), she started to read out the instructions on a packet of fish cakes!

She just can't deal with it so mostly says nothing or 'I won't ask how you are, you're always the same'.

Luckily, I, like you can get support from others and we both have the sense to ignore these stupid remarks. Our mums love us but do say the most silly things. It might be an idea to rehearse a few one liners for these occasions...

Keep strong, a lot of people on here and RL care for you. I bet his brother won't be welcoming OW any time soon.

This time shall pass.xx

www.turn2us.org.uk/

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

hope they are useful

Thank you for all your messages of support, especially Longtallsally and Springbiffy who are keeping an eye on me.

I am beside myself tonight and have cried like I've never cried before. My DM phoned me and I thought it was to apologise but she just launched into another 'attack' saying that I'm killing myself and I'm selfish. She said I'm not eating and even though I had dinner last night, that's not enough for the next few weeks. I told her I would eat something tonight and she said I won't and it's selfish that my son will find me dead. I begged her to not put extra pressure on me but she said I need it and she is worried about me but nobody can help me and kept saying I'm killing myself.

It's not intentional, when I have trauma, my appetite goes, I know I've lost over a stone in 3 weeks and am small anyway but I am trying to eat small bits. I was sobbing like never before and asked her to stop but she kept on and on and then hung up on me after saying, carry on and kill yourself over a man that doesn't care about you.

Then my DS who is staying with her text me and pretty much said the same, I know she is influencing him but if I don't have him then I have nothing. He said nobody can help me but myself and I need to sort myself out. I told him that tough love isn't working and I don't want my DM to call me again. He said that I need tough love now. It's only 3 weeks since I found out about my H affair and with everything else that has happened to me, I know now that I am in depression.

My DM has suffered from depression for years and I have always supported her and even when I was little, I stood in front of my DF when he was violent to her and then I got it instead - she forgets this, conveniently!

I am so incredibly low now and just think okay, what's the point now my DS has turned this way with me now. I love him, he is my life and I begged him not to turn against me and he said he wouldn't but he needs me to sort myself out.

I am so, so hurt and don't know how to cope.

I know I'm not well enough to work but my family will turn against me if I take any more time off. I know they're worried but I need support and help, not for my DM to shout at me to pull myself together or just carry on and kill myself and then just hang up on me.

I think you're showing rather wonderful self-awareness. You feel you may be struggling with depression, and who wouldn't be in this situation? How about making a doctor's appointment tomorrow for some help with that?

Secondly, you've recognised that you're not eating well, but it sounds to me that you are doing your best to eat little and often, as and when you can.

Thirdly, you've identified that your mum isn't giving you the kind of support you need. You've told her this. The fact that she can't give you the support you need means for me, I'd be having a little break from contact with her.

Fourthly, I would read as little as I could in to the text from your son. Keep the door open for him, but involve him less in your personal problems. He's told you he needs you to be stronger, so I think you should try to do that where he's concerned.

So, get yourself to the doctors, and let us know here what other help you need so that we can support you.

I haven't read all this thread just the first and last really and want to say that please please don't do this for anyone else but you. Its a really hard lesson to learn but you ARE enough to take care of yourself. You eat as much as you can. try and have things in the house that you like to nibble on and don't worry about your weight loss You will be able to use what little food you do eat, worrying about it won't help. I hope there are people on here who are supporting you and use the people you do have in RL who are taking care of you. YOu sound as if you are perfectly healthy normal woman reacting in a normal way to a really tough time in your life.
Don't give up take whatever meds dr recomends and get support wherever you can. Your life will change and you will recover.

Your mum isn't helping right now. Don't call her .. Take a break for her. She sounds really worried about you but doesn't know how to be a bit gentle . Try to eat something at normal meal times and whenever else if you can . I pretty much ate less than half normal rations when in deep trauma , you can function and will, but you'll heal faster if you nourish. Your appetite will come back . I'm sorry DH is so cold. I hope he talks properly to you soon. I don't know what else to say. Hope you get some sleep

Thank you for your support. I will be having a break from my DM and I spoke to my DB tonight and he will have a chat with her and ask her to think about how she can support me as what she's doing is damaging me.

I'm more worried about my DS reaction, he thinks I'm hiding things from him and he's always asked me to be honest with him. He has listened to my DM too much now and I text him to say I really do love him and he didn't reply. If I don't have him, I'm worried.

He said I'm damaging myself and my H doesn't care so if I'm doing it to prove how my H is hurting me then I'm only hurting myself as my H doesn't care. I don't even see my H, I'm not doing any of this on purpose, I am just grieving in more ways than one and things are just on top of me.

I knew people would get fed up of me.

Thought it was only me who had a mum like this

My DM is well meaning (I think) but isnt able to cope with and talk about emotional stuff very well so its almost as if she goes into attack mode, until your self esteem is on the floor. When I was going through issues with my ExH, she made me want to leap from the nearest window. Seriously.

Whatnext074 Im so sorry you're still feeling down. I would try not to worry too much about your DS, he sounds lovely and supportive, he's just having a blip as he is worried about you. Tough love wont work for you at this time but some of the things he says are pretty logical, arent they (not the bits your DM is influencing him to say). He is your son, he needs you. As his mother, its also worrying for him to see the hurt your're going through.

Your DH didnt make you, dont let him break you. Please. Not this, over a man. You have your life, and a lovely DS etc. The grief is horrible when going through it..mourning the end of a relationship is horrendous, and unless someone's been through it they dont understand. But most posters here, have...so I hope you can take inspiration from the helpful advice theyre giving you. Women are pretty good at helping each other out when it comes to these things, and thank god for it

When I got rid of my narcissistic emotionally abusive sociopath, some of the things I did (& Im not suggesting I 'know it all', just what got me through eventually)

CBT /hypnotherapy

Took up brazilian dance (had to pluck up the courage, but well worth it)

Forced myself to go to an exercise class once a week - even though I felt I was walking through mud, at first

Read a lot - fiction, mainly, as I found it therapeutic to get into a really good story, and it was really helpful when I was home alone

Spoke with friends, just 2 - 1 who'd been through similar, the other I didnt feel able to tell, but I like talking to her as she's upbeat.

Put my DM on the backburner for a while, and told not to talk abut ExH at all, as it made me feel like shit & was pointless. Still spoke on phone, but without her in my face and the stipulation that my ExH was completely off topic, I could cope. If I ever felt she was straying even near to the topic I just shut her down, and got off the phone.

The thing is, sitting at home with thoughts going around in my head wasnt doing me any good and I knew if I didnt get up and out, then I wouldnt recover. That was a realisation I came to myself, eventually. I felt severely traumatised, to an unbearable point; walking around looking to all intents and purposes ok, but broken inside, with nobody else quite able to understand.

I couldnt let this man be more important than my own physical and emotional wellbeing, not least because when we did speak it became quite apparent to me behind his so called 'Im so sorry oh this is so hard for me too..what have I done..how could I have hurt you this way...blah blah...' he actually wasnt suffering as much as I was at all. Id just been convincing myself that he was. So, I decided to fight back in my own way and not let him and his actions blight my life and reduce me to a shell of my former self. I owed my children, and myself, far more than that. I reminded myself I was alive and well before I met him.

I really hope you find your way to feeling better sooner rather than later. Ive just listed my ways of coping in case any of it is something you feel you could try, when you feel able. Keep going. You'll get through this eventually. Look after yourself, heal, stay positive when you can and as much as possible, dont let negative people within 10 feet of you.

Really thoughtful, practical advice from
Mistressdeecee

I don't have anything to add, just to say I agree that you are showing great self awareness and strength and you WILL get through this. 6 months from now, a year from now you won't be in the same place. Not that you'll simply be 'over it', but you will definitely be further along the path.

oh darling I'm so sorry you've had this not only from your mum but your son, too. It does sound like he's being influenced by your mum. They are getting it wrong, wrong, wrong.

This is a bereavement and, as such, it is par for the course that you will be poleaxed initially. That's how it goes and your mum is wrong to bawl you out in this way. Whether she has your best interests at heart or not, keep away from her. You can't afford to be around her now. If she calls, keep the convo short and light, to the point - don't chat too much and don't go anywhere near how you are. If she asks, say 'fine' and move on. Find ways to end the convo, even if you're lying. If she is abusive, end the call. I've said 'I'm not enjoying this call, mum, I'd like it to end' or, as soon as my mum starts gearing up I say things like 'someone's at the door, must go', 'got an appt, must go I'll be late' 'thanks for calling' etc I'm a master at it now. I suppose I've accepted that my mum is not my friend.

re bereavement - a neighbour recently lost her husband unexpectedly. I saw her walking down the road with her son and I barely recognised her. It may sound awful but I thought of women who have been betrayed and left by their husbands and yet are not 'allowed' to be publicly in bits; yet it is a similar shock, the effects are very similar. Of course , for the literally bereaved spouse, it is much worse - I am not comparing - but you have nevertheless lost, in a moment, all that you held dear, on which you built your future emotional and financial security and thought you were safe. It would be a hell of a shock for you even if he was kind; the added cruelty is, or feels, unbearable.

You have a broken heart and they take time to mend. Try to eat small and nutritious bits and pieces - nuts, weetabix, seeds, soup, smoothies? Even if all you can manage is just a mouthful, it's better than nothing. Maybe take a multi-vit to keep things ticking over. Make sure you drink, even if it's water.

Take care precious

I would tell your ds that you aren't doing it on purpose and that it is a very well recognised physical side effect of grief. Tell him it will pass and that he musn't worry . Tell him you will get better and that it isn't related to H and 'showing' him anything. Tell him you understand that your DM is worried but that she is wrong in her assumptions of you.
Then step back and concentrate on the getting well side of all this and not the arguing. I am pleased that your db is on side.People always get fed up because they don't understand, try not to waste energy on others, they are doing it from a misguided sense of their fear.

Hi Whatnext. How are you doing?

Thanks so much for checking on me Longtallsally. I haven't been too good, the Samaritans call me most nights to check on me. I'm just exhausted.

Had an email from H today saying he wants to pass more bills to me. I know I need to see a solicitor but am trying to eek it out as long as possible as I don't think he would just stop paying for tv/internet etc. I already pay for everything apart from the mortgage and can't afford anymore, he earns more than 3 times I do. He said it's not essential for me to have internet etc. so he doesn't have to pay them as he's not living here.

I feel like I'm going backwards, my boss doesn't think I should be at work, my GP doesn't think I should be at work but what else would I do with my days? My panic attacks are worse and I cry so much. I'm not sleeping much so the days would be really long. My GP reluctantly gave me a few sleeping tablets today and will refer me for more counselling. I have also booked in for STI tests.

I think I had a realisation today that as DH is now in a high powered job, mixing with highly professional people and travelling round the world on business - I no longer fit into his world so he's just discarded me. His OW does and it fits in with his new image.

I served my purpose, I supported him and built up his confidence to take this job after being made redundant and now I am surplus to requirements.

It hurts so much. I still can't believe it.

I can hear the pain in you email. YOu've been on my mind. I hope that you can feel strong enough to go to a solicitor because its not up to him to decide what bills you pay or what is essential. I do understand the level of grief but please pluck up all the strength you can and take a good friend with you to a really good solicitor. Don't go to work just to fill your days, Can you get someone to come and stay with you for a few days? Has your doctor also given you ads?
Just read, cry watch tv, walk , eat but most of all start to use all the friends and support you can. Spend a; day here if you want there is usually someone around.

Please phone solicitor in the morning -it was the best thing I did - the start of being empowered instead of listening to his drivel.

You poor thing, you sound so alone. Is there no-one you could spend some time with so you can bring something else to your life apart from the pain that is being heaped upon you?

Thank you both. I have some good friends who are very supportive but they have their own lives too. My family are supportive but most of them are just frustrated with me and it broke my heart when my DS said I need to pull myself together and nobody can help me but myself. He was quite harsh but I know what he said was right. He is my world and I know I would struggle with my thoughts if I didn't have him. He said even if my DH saw me and the state I've become, he wouldn't care less. My DH just wants me wiped out of his world.

All my friends work, it's only my DM who doesn't but that's not an option after how frustrated she is with me.

I look terrible, can't bear to go in the shower (but I do, without looking at myself). My heart is completely broken.

I know I need to take control but he has worn me down so much and I can't see a way out. I'm trying everything, I'm reaching out so much but I know nobody can help me at the moment.

Yes, I'm on week 6 of ADs, my GP has also given me beta blockers to help with panic attacks, I start them tomorrow.

I feel for you. If you want to reach out then post on here as many times as you need. Most people here have been through some awful trauma at some time in their lives and there is a lot of support. Is there someone that can be around for you this weekend, even just someone coming round for a coffee? Company is good, try not to sit alone on the house , go for a little walk. I bet your new hair looks fab and showering means you smell good. Good luck with the meds. Keep repeating 'I am a good person'

Thank you redundantandbitter (you didn't change your name yet).

I have been fortunate so far that I have been able to plan things for the weekends with people as I can't go out here on my own with too many memories of our future around. My friend has a horse competition on Saturday so I'm going with her to watch and my DB and his GF will come on Sunday. I am forcing myself out but do need to be with people for that.

Hair looks tidier anyway - thanks x

You think I should change to BackSlideMyArse? Your weekend sounds really good. Make sure you eat something and try to concentrate on the horses! Keep us updated if you need.

Whatnext074 its the injustice of it all that gets to you. You stand by them when times are hard, encourage and support them..then too often for my liking in this life, I see that the next woman gets the benefit of the support you gave to your DH. Then again..benefit is a selective word because relationships that start out like this cant be idyllic. Anyway its not about him its about you and hopefully starting to feel a little better day by day. When you do, you can go out and re-discover yourself. Theres a whole life out there with different activities and opportunities and one day, you'll be able to grab it :) Really glad to hear your DB is supportive by the way

You are spot on MistressDeeCee - I supported him so much (and he did to me as well) but it was me who built up his confidence to go for these jobs each time and become as successful as he has. He always had doubts.

11 years I was the driver with him having no intention of learning to drive. Now he's passed his test and bought a car and I'll never get driven by him anywhere, the OW is though.

She has got a ready made 'perfect' man - although I believe that one day his guilt and grief will come back to bite him. Surely nobody can just switch that off?

Thank you for your kind words again and I hope that I don't feel this tormented for much longer.

Thinking of you this morning. I hope you had a decent night and I hope the torment breaks soon.

Can your DB have a word with DS? Sounds like somebody needs to put him right with the harsh tactic. Sometimes people can feel so angry with the departed spouse that they take out the anger with the wrong person.

I don't know if it helps for me to call him a snivelling shit for saying you don't actually need internet.

Whatnext - get to a solicitor. Don't let your STBxH tell you what he will magnanimously pay. Get the solicitor to tell him what he will pay to you. Try to get spousal maintenance too - i did. Get angry. It cannot be all his way!

And it sounds to me like your mum is worried, and trying to 'snap' you out of it - she can't at this stage, only you can work through it, so I second that you should back off from her.

Oh - and she has a perfect man? Hahahahahahahaha No, she has a cheating, lying, arrogant, uncaring, selfish man-child who thinks he is 'all that'. No he isn't. I for one wouldn't want him!

Thanks for replying Whatnext: I'm sorry that the panic attacks are still plagueing you. Remember, it is still such early days for you, you are still processing all that has happened to you.

I can't believe he is being such a knob about the internet. Of course, MN is essential!

You are still coming to terms with it all, but you do need now to contact a solicitor, CAB, or even better a SHL (Shit Hot Lawyer) to make sure that you get all that you are entitled to from him. As you say, you have been his support and his enabler for 11 years, and you deserve some of the financial rewards for the job that you supported him in developing. It's time to start the process of finding out about it before he takes more away. It will also give you a focus to get you through the next few weeks, as you make the appointments and talk to the solicitors. (They usually give you a free half hour for the first appointment and you can visit more than one.)

His world will come crumbling down one day. This will all catch up with him in a year or two or ten. In the meantime, keep on looking after yourself - one meal at a time, one day at a time - and keep on posting.

I did try to post a few times yesterday but it wouldn't let me send. I was just saying get to a really good soilicitor, its not up to him what you spend your money on and it will be one less stress when you are independant of him financially - it may seem to hard to face but take along a good reliable friend and the solicitor will do all the work.

Hoping you feel better today?