I'm new here and really, really need some advice on how to cope.
My DH left 2 weeks ago when I found out about his affair with his co-worker. For 2 months previous to that it was like he changed overnight from a loving, caring devoted DH to a nasty, violent (to house not to me), verbally abusive stranger. It was like he had no filter and couldn't talk to me nicely even when I begged him to remember who I was as this was so out of character for him.
He became secretive with his phone and came home later and later and I asked him many times if there was someone else. He always said it was all in my head and he would only talk about divorce and selling the house. I put it out of my head as he had always said the thought of infidelity sickens him.
After he had stayed away for a week, I checked his bag and found a diary in there, he had bought one for the OW as well and it was their plan to be together, I was physically sick and even when I confronted him, he denied it. He has since admitted that he is with her and I need to move on. He says he did nothing wrong as he had already told me it was over! I said I am not some gf, I am his wife and it is adultery.
I told him to go and he is now renting a room 40 miles away but I know he spends a lot of time with this OW.
Last year, in the space of 9 months, I had 2 MC at 10 weeks and 3 months. Our niece passed away suddenly at 9 days old and our other niece passed away at 20 months old. On top of this, I was told I was being made redundant and for 3 months thought I'd lose my job until the last minute when I was told my job was available for the short term. I have also been bullied at work by a manager for 7 months. My DH was supportive throughout and always told me to keep it together at work and bring it home to him to talk through. We were each other's strength and we agreed to try once more for a baby.
We've been together 11 years, married for 4 years and were best friends and did everything together. This has shocked everybody who knows us.
I have seen him twice since, the 1st time last Sunday he cried a lot - I still think he's having some kind of breakdown - he's lost so much weight and is having tests for a potentially serious health condition. He said he has to live with the guilt and he knows he's done wrong but we were broken and he couldn't fix it. I saw him briefly yesterday and he was so cold to me again without reason. He continually says "we're over, we're done, get used to it as I'm not coming back". He is so hurtful.
He now wants me to divorce him for adultery as he says he deserves it. I have no intention of divorcing him.
My family and friends are supportive of me but they are worried - and so am I. I have so much pain, both physically and emotionally and to say it hurts is an understatement. I can't eat or sleep and have lost a lot of weight which I couldn't afford to do really, it's not intentional, I just cannot bear to eat properly.
I have seen my GP and for the 1st time in my life am on ADs and am having counselling which isn't really helping. I have anxiety attacks and hyperventilate. I feel I am dealing with so much grief and don't know how much more I can cope with.
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Relationships
DH left for coworker - pain is unbearable
Whatnext074 · 28/09/2013 19:08
I haven't read all this thread just the first and last really and want to say that please please don't do this for anyone else but you. Its a really hard lesson to learn but you ARE enough to take care of yourself. You eat as much as you can. try and have things in the house that you like to nibble on and don't worry about your weight loss You will be able to use what little food you do eat, worrying about it won't help. I hope there are people on here who are supporting you and use the people you do have in RL who are taking care of you. YOu sound as if you are perfectly healthy normal woman reacting in a normal way to a really tough time in your life.
Don't give up take whatever meds dr recomends and get support wherever you can. Your life will change and you will recover.
Thought it was only me who had a mum like this 
My DM is well meaning (I think) but isnt able to cope with and talk about emotional stuff very well so its almost as if she goes into attack mode, until your self esteem is on the floor. When I was going through issues with my ExH, she made me want to leap from the nearest window. Seriously.
Whatnext074 Im so sorry you're still feeling down. I would try not to worry too much about your DS, he sounds lovely and supportive, he's just having a blip as he is worried about you. Tough love wont work for you at this time but some of the things he says are pretty logical, arent they (not the bits your DM is influencing him to say). He is your son, he needs you. As his mother, its also worrying for him to see the hurt your're going through.
Your DH didnt make you, dont let him break you. Please. Not this, over a man. You have your life, and a lovely DS etc. The grief is horrible when going through it..mourning the end of a relationship is horrendous, and unless someone's been through it they dont understand. But most posters here, have...so I hope you can take inspiration from the helpful advice theyre giving you. Women are pretty good at helping each other out when it comes to these things, and thank god for it 
When I got rid of my narcissistic emotionally abusive sociopath, some of the things I did (& Im not suggesting I 'know it all', just what got me through eventually)
CBT /hypnotherapy
Took up brazilian dance (had to pluck up the courage, but well worth it)
Forced myself to go to an exercise class once a week - even though I felt I was walking through mud, at first
Read a lot - fiction, mainly, as I found it therapeutic to get into a really good story, and it was really helpful when I was home alone
Spoke with friends, just 2 - 1 who'd been through similar, the other I didnt feel able to tell, but I like talking to her as she's upbeat.
Put my DM on the backburner for a while, and told not to talk abut ExH at all, as it made me feel like shit & was pointless. Still spoke on phone, but without her in my face and the stipulation that my ExH was completely off topic, I could cope. If I ever felt she was straying even near to the topic I just shut her down, and got off the phone.
The thing is, sitting at home with thoughts going around in my head wasnt doing me any good and I knew if I didnt get up and out, then I wouldnt recover. That was a realisation I came to myself, eventually. I felt severely traumatised, to an unbearable point; walking around looking to all intents and purposes ok, but broken inside, with nobody else quite able to understand.
I couldnt let this man be more important than my own physical and emotional wellbeing, not least because when we did speak it became quite apparent to me behind his so called 'Im so sorry oh this is so hard for me too..what have I done..how could I have hurt you this way...blah blah...' he actually wasnt suffering as much as I was at all. Id just been convincing myself that he was. So, I decided to fight back in my own way and not let him and his actions blight my life and reduce me to a shell of my former self. I owed my children, and myself, far more than that. I reminded myself I was alive and well before I met him.
I really hope you find your way to feeling better sooner rather than later. Ive just listed my ways of coping in case any of it is something you feel you could try, when you feel able. Keep going. You'll get through this eventually. Look after yourself, heal, stay positive when you can and as much as possible, dont let negative people within 10 feet of you.
oh darling I'm so sorry you've had this not only from your mum but your son, too. It does sound like he's being influenced by your mum. They are getting it wrong, wrong, wrong.
This is a bereavement and, as such, it is par for the course that you will be poleaxed initially. That's how it goes and your mum is wrong to bawl you out in this way. Whether she has your best interests at heart or not, keep away from her. You can't afford to be around her now. If she calls, keep the convo short and light, to the point - don't chat too much and don't go anywhere near how you are. If she asks, say 'fine' and move on. Find ways to end the convo, even if you're lying. If she is abusive, end the call. I've said 'I'm not enjoying this call, mum, I'd like it to end' or, as soon as my mum starts gearing up I say things like 'someone's at the door, must go', 'got an appt, must go I'll be late' 'thanks for calling' etc I'm a master at it now. I suppose I've accepted that my mum is not my friend.
re bereavement - a neighbour recently lost her husband unexpectedly. I saw her walking down the road with her son and I barely recognised her. It may sound awful but I thought of women who have been betrayed and left by their husbands and yet are not 'allowed' to be publicly in bits; yet it is a similar shock, the effects are very similar. Of course , for the literally bereaved spouse, it is much worse - I am not comparing - but you have nevertheless lost, in a moment, all that you held dear, on which you built your future emotional and financial security and thought you were safe. It would be a hell of a shock for you even if he was kind; the added cruelty is, or feels, unbearable.
You have a broken heart and they take time to mend. Try to eat small and nutritious bits and pieces - nuts, weetabix, seeds, soup, smoothies? Even if all you can manage is just a mouthful, it's better than nothing. Maybe take a multi-vit to keep things ticking over. Make sure you drink, even if it's water.
Take care precious
I can hear the pain in you email. YOu've been on my mind. I hope that you can feel strong enough to go to a solicitor because its not up to him to decide what bills you pay or what is essential. I do understand the level of grief but please pluck up all the strength you can and take a good friend with you to a really good solicitor. Don't go to work just to fill your days, Can you get someone to come and stay with you for a few days? Has your doctor also given you ads?
Just read, cry watch tv, walk , eat but most of all start to use all the friends and support you can. Spend a; day here if you want there is usually someone around.
Please phone solicitor in the morning -it was the best thing I did - the start of being empowered instead of listening to his drivel.
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Thanks for replying Whatnext: I'm sorry that the panic attacks are still plagueing you. Remember, it is still such early days for you, you are still processing all that has happened to you.
I can't believe he is being such a knob about the internet. Of course, MN is essential!
You are still coming to terms with it all, but you do need now to contact a solicitor, CAB, or even better a SHL (Shit Hot Lawyer) to make sure that you get all that you are entitled to from him. As you say, you have been his support and his enabler for 11 years, and you deserve some of the financial rewards for the job that you supported him in developing. It's time to start the process of finding out about it before he takes more away. It will also give you a focus to get you through the next few weeks, as you make the appointments and talk to the solicitors. (They usually give you a free half hour for the first appointment and you can visit more than one.)
His world will come crumbling down one day. This will all catch up with him in a year or two or ten. In the meantime, keep on looking after yourself - one meal at a time, one day at a time - and keep on posting.
I did try to post a few times yesterday but it wouldn't let me send. I was just saying get to a really good soilicitor, its not up to him what you spend your money on and it will be one less stress when you are independant of him financially - it may seem to hard to face but take along a good reliable friend and the solicitor will do all the work.
Hoping you feel better today?
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