DH left for coworker - pain is unbearable

[Whatnext074]

I'm new here and really, really need some advice on how to cope.

My DH left 2 weeks ago when I found out about his affair with his co-worker. For 2 months previous to that it was like he changed overnight from a loving, caring devoted DH to a nasty, violent (to house not to me), verbally abusive stranger. It was like he had no filter and couldn't talk to me nicely even when I begged him to remember who I was as this was so out of character for him.

He became secretive with his phone and came home later and later and I asked him many times if there was someone else. He always said it was all in my head and he would only talk about divorce and selling the house. I put it out of my head as he had always said the thought of infidelity sickens him.

After he had stayed away for a week, I checked his bag and found a diary in there, he had bought one for the OW as well and it was their plan to be together, I was physically sick and even when I confronted him, he denied it. He has since admitted that he is with her and I need to move on. He says he did nothing wrong as he had already told me it was over! I said I am not some gf, I am his wife and it is adultery.

I told him to go and he is now renting a room 40 miles away but I know he spends a lot of time with this OW.

Last year, in the space of 9 months, I had 2 MC at 10 weeks and 3 months. Our niece passed away suddenly at 9 days old and our other niece passed away at 20 months old. On top of this, I was told I was being made redundant and for 3 months thought I'd lose my job until the last minute when I was told my job was available for the short term. I have also been bullied at work by a manager for 7 months. My DH was supportive throughout and always told me to keep it together at work and bring it home to him to talk through. We were each other's strength and we agreed to try once more for a baby.

We've been together 11 years, married for 4 years and were best friends and did everything together. This has shocked everybody who knows us.

I have seen him twice since, the 1st time last Sunday he cried a lot - I still think he's having some kind of breakdown - he's lost so much weight and is having tests for a potentially serious health condition. He said he has to live with the guilt and he knows he's done wrong but we were broken and he couldn't fix it. I saw him briefly yesterday and he was so cold to me again without reason. He continually says "we're over, we're done, get used to it as I'm not coming back". He is so hurtful.

He now wants me to divorce him for adultery as he says he deserves it. I have no intention of divorcing him.

My family and friends are supportive of me but they are worried - and so am I. I have so much pain, both physically and emotionally and to say it hurts is an understatement. I can't eat or sleep and have lost a lot of weight which I couldn't afford to do really, it's not intentional, I just cannot bear to eat properly.

I have seen my GP and for the 1st time in my life am on ADs and am having counselling which isn't really helping. I have anxiety attacks and hyperventilate. I feel I am dealing with so much grief and don't know how much more I can cope with.

[Idespair]

I am so sorry he has done this to you OP. Every day things will get a tiny bit better and you will get a tiny bit stronger, evem though it won't feel like it. It will be a long process but you will be ok in the end. Your h has been completely evil and his life will not be a bed of roses even of it appears to be. This relationship with his co worker is built on a foundation of deceit.

[Wellwobbly]

What he offers and what the law says he has to pay are two very different things.

He has lived in this world where he makes the laws and you agree with him. Now he will find that the courts are not interested in his version of how the world goes.

See a solicitor and get this rolling.

[themaltesefalcon]

You poor, poor woman.

[forehead]

Whatnext. please do not allow this man to control you. Start telling him what you want. The 'strong , independent woman' he once claimed to love will not allow him to screw her over.

[Whatnext074]

I think you're right, he is trying to control the situation and in turn, me.

I have some (short) moments when I think I will show him what a strong independent woman I am and take some control but at the moment I am quite weak and seem to be just waiting for what he proposes then I will act so it hopefully is in my favour.

For 2 months he said he was going to divorce me under unreasonable behaviour - I was grieving(!) and now he wants me to divorce him for adultery as it is "what he deserves".

I have to take time, get my strength back and adapt to my new life that has been forced on me.

It's the way he has discarded me so easily and is now with the OW that hurts so much. Physical pain like I've never felt before. I have good friends and family but I am so, so lonely.

Thank you for all your support.

[angel1976]

Whatnext You are in the very worst possible stage now. I've been there and it really isn't easy. You have to allow yourself to grieve and be sad and of course, it hurts. Someone you absolutely trusted you with your life has now abandoned you BUT you need to start thinking for yourself. Don't let him force you into any decision(s) now. Rash decisions in time of grief/anger etc are NO good. You need to be able to think clearly before you can make any good decisions and right not, you are not thinking clearly. A man who casually abandons his wife is NOT a good catch. Be glad you found out now and not in 20 years' time, that's what I keep thinking to myself. I am still young, I'm not sure what I think of marriage now so not necessarily looking for someone to marry but would like to meet some new people but that's all in the future. Right now, I am enjoying being just me and rediscovering my love for life again. :)

[Whatnext074]

Thank you angel1976. I know you're talking sense and I won't make any rash decisions at the moment in the frame of mind I'm in.

I went back to work today after 7 days off. My manager called me into the office and straight away told me I need to take more time off as it's clear I'm not ready for work. I compromised and agreed to working half days for this week to see how I go. I'm worried about losing my job in Spring anyway as there are more job cuts and that would just push me over the edge after everything that's happened.

I am really, really struggling to cope.

I find it hard to focus on the bad times with him as it all happened so quickly and we were fine up until he went loopy, aggressive, unreasonable and cold all of a sudden. So it's the happy times I remember and also the image of him with the OW.

Every night I go to bed, I think that's another day I have 'survived' but the lack of sleep is terrible and I just have this awful sense of dread all the time.

I appreciate all the advice/replies but I just am in such a dark place and I hate myself.

[Longtallsally]

Whatnext - sending you loads of sympathy. Like others below I am shocked at how cruel your h has been to you and how awfully he has treated you. The comment about painting the house is just beyond the pale. He is projecting onto you, to try to justify how he feels and what he has done - I totally echo the comments of others that you should cut contact unless essential, focus on you and your ds.

[I know that other MNetters in a similar position have got comfort from changing their h's name to W*nker, or similar on their phones, so that when a text arrives, or a call comes in, it reminds them of just who is on the other end.]

Your manager does not sound the most supportive person on earth, but hopefully if you weren't that busy at work then going in for half days will enable you to feel busy and take your mind off things for a wee while, and build up your work-face again.

Take it one day at a time, one step at a time, and look after you. Go back to basics - food that you fancy/enjoy, a little and often. A new outfit/haircut for you. A pat on the back for yourself when you have done a job around the house, or a morning at work. And keep on posting here - you will find lots of support, encouragement and practical advice.

[Whatnext074]

Thank you Longtallsally

My manager said at the beginning of all this that I should be happy he's left because all men are the bloody same and she's still stuck with her H!! We had a good, close, happy marriage until he decided he couldn't cope with the "dramas" that we've been through and there would always be another "drama" - that hurt, we had a lot happen in a short space of time and it was all out of our control.

I might try the change name thing - but he said he's not going to contact me anyway so I feel cheated that I didn't say it first. But I'm not strong right now.

I just booked a haircut for this Saturday - thanks Longtallsally, it was the push I needed to book it.

[May09Bump]

Change the locks, plan a holiday asap (something new / positive to look forward to) and start thinking what you want from life. Make yourself as busy as possible, go for walks and eat well.

A new life is waiting :)

[Longtallsally]

Oh I bet that he will contact you once you stop getting in touch with him!

Enjoy the haircut Perhaps you could spring clean a room and then consider some new clothes/shoes as a treat next week?

[JustinBsMum]

I'm not sure what you are entitled to after divorce but it doesn't sound a good idea to me to let him visit his solicitor for decision making.

Perhaps post on the legal thread here to see what you should be entitled to regarding house etc

[Poogate]

I just wanted to say that you sound absolutely lovely.

It's as if your H has been possessed by some uncaring, selfish pig of a man. It frightens me how human beings can literally change overnight.

It's such a worn out cliche but time absolutely does heal and the pain you are in WILL lessen, until it is just a niggling ache, and then to no pain whatsoever. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you WILL get through this and you WILL feel better.

I find self help books amazing, life changing, in fact. 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway' by Susan Jeffers is a truly great book and gave me my strength back when I didn't like myself v much after a failed relationship.

I wish you the very best of luck for the future.

[Whatnext074]

Longtallsally - I have spring cleaned most of the house and then started painting, hence his comment saying if I'm doing that to impress him, I'm mistaken. Went out at the weekend to buy some new clothes but got upset in changing room as I hadn't realised how much weight I'd lost and managed to make it home before a panic attack.

JustinBsMum - rule of thumb is 50/50 with all assets/savings/pension being taken into account. I'm waiting to see what his solicitor proposes then will see mine to save me paying for 2 visits. I don't have to agree to anything he proposes as he earns a lot more money than me and so does his OW so they'll be fine whatever. I need to protect myself financially and am in no state to make decisions on property etc at the moment, need to be strong.

Poogate thank you so much, very nice of you to start your post like that. You are absolutely spot on with saying it's like he's been possessed, it was so sudden and so out of character which is why I thought/maybe still think that he was/is having some sort of breakdown after what we've been through. I am getting to realise more and more though that I am making excuses for him and he is treating me appallingly because he's not the strong man I thought he was - he is weak!!

[Whatnext074]

Poogate - by the way, I have ordered the Paul McKenna book that was mentioned on a previous thread. Thanks for your recommendation too.

[MistressDeeCee]

Whatnext074 just checking back in to see how youre doing. Glad youre getting more positive, and some good advice here. I get annoyed knowing how so many of us have been through the same thing, in this life! But its good to know, so many women are still standing, still here, even after feeling life as they knew it was finished & theyd never get by...

Your H is definetely weak - the silly un-necessary comment about redecorating is the start of his knee jerk reaction to seeing that you are making changes. It will make him uncomfortable even though he doesnt say it; but he will certainly show it. Theres no way he wont contact you again..focus on being strong, positive, looking out for yourself so you will be able to deal with him. He did not make your life - he will not break it.

I cant resist saying this. Dont want to focus on OW but in general, HOW is it that such women feel theyll be ok within a relationship built on their 'prince' having cheated, lying & hurting his wife? You'd think theyd beyond cautious, but it seems not. Well Id want far better than that & OP - you are better than that so live your life to the full. Reach your potential, make your own decisions. One day youll be glad of negative, addicted to drama people being out of your way.

[Whatnext074]

Thank you so much for checking on me MistressDeeCee, so kind. It has definitely helped being on here. You are so right with what you say.

I did cry at work today and then rushed home and sobbed and sobbed but there are so many lovely people on here and it helps.

He told me his OW had her father die recently and he was 'comforting' her as he understood how she felt and he was talking through with her about our lost little ones - how can that compare and that is so personal to us - made me physically sick.

It is a relationship built on deceit but the damage is done now. I just wish now he's gone he wouldn't remain being so cold and horrible to me, there is no need, I don't deserve it and he was never like that before. He is a stranger to me and I am mourning the loving caring man he was.

[mumsforjustice]

It sounds very likely he's had a breakdown. The mc and the loss must have hurt him too. Not making excuses for him but he's sounds distraught and confused himself.
There's absolutely no hurry about the divorce and its a bad idea to make decisions about your financial future when you are upset or angry. Wait til you have recovered a bit. Also post on legal (although I see you already have a solicitor)- some practical thoughts for your long term future: don't lose your job as the courts will assume a level of earnings based on current job and it really would be a disaster if you are unemployed and not making what's been assumed. Don't leave the marital home and make sure mortgage payments are kept up. Secure any assets including his (so they are not spent; assets are joint until divorce finalised). Ow earnings not relevant.
Look after yourself. Things will improve.

[Wellwobbly]

Whatnext my H also shared HUGELY personal information with his schmoopie co-worker - the insults and hurts of infidelity just go on and on.

There does seem to be some break with reality. Affairs are likened to addictions, and addicts always choose their substance of choice over hard and often boring reality.

I also think there are harder things going on (re: the breakdown). And that is, in the character of the person. When given a choice of looking inwardly at their sadness and depression or distracting themselves with an 'external' fix, they choose external. You, the wife, has caused my problems! I am tired of being uber responsible! I am ENTITLED to find happiness! etc. That is a break in them.

In my husband's explanations, it was chilling to note that idiot OW was as objectified as I was. This is NOT true love, it is feelgood high.

[Wellwobbly]

Sorry, left out: 'It is feelgood high, to run away from the depression they are already feeling'.

But: explaining it doesn't make it hurt any less, or give you any more say in the matter! The only thing you can do is let go, and take steps to protect yourself.

[itwillgetbettersoon]

Whatnext how are you today? Taking small steps I hope and looking after yourself.

My STBXH is also now a very different person. Last night he text me to tell me that he was always scared of me etc. what a load of xxxxx. He is rewriting history to justify his cruel and selfish behaviour. I've realised that infact he is scared of everyone including his parents as he has no back bone. It is my fault that he works 47 hrs a week, that he doesn't have a car etc etc.

It is like being on a rollercoaster good days and bad days but the bad days do become fewer. Just focus on yourself. X

[Longtallsally]

Whatnext just popping in to check on you too, today. Well done for making it into work. That is a big hurdle you have made it across. A small step, a small achievement for yesterday. Hoping that it is a little easier today.

Just a thought - have you started to feel angry with your h yet? You will do, and you should do, at some stage soon. Yes, he was hurt too, by your awful, sad losses - but so were you. You didn't do what he did - you stayed true to your marriage vows. You are entitled to feel angry, very angry with him, for doing that, as well as for the awful, and very cruel things he has said to you since, to try to justify to himself what he has done.

Anger is part of the grieving and healing process. When you start to feel it, don't feel embarrassed or guilty about it. You are entitled to feel angry with him.

[Andwhynot]

Morning Whatnext. Just popped in to say I agree totally with Longtallsally about the anger. I am slightly further down the line than you as DH left 6 weeks ago (you left a lovely comment on my thread a day or two ago) and I'm angry now. Very angry!

The anger feels healthy and is bringing back my confidence and driving me on and I'm no longer a sobbing wreck. I even smile from time to time. I hate all the uncertainty surrounding the house too plus we have a business together but it will all pass and I'm getting legal advice to ensure things are divided as favourably towards me as possible so I feel I have some control. Feeling like you have a little control back is important.

I try not to think about OW. I don't dwell on what they might be doing I just focus on the fact she will now have to rinse his toothpaste out of the sink and listen to his endless droning monologues about yet another hilarious work anecdote.

And I think of his inevitable moments of doubt where he contemplates whether he made the right decision turning his world upside down and hurtling into the unknown. He will have those moments, as will your DH, most likely after OW berates him yet again for the toothpaste in the sink. These moments make me smile.

My DH is unrecognisable to me as I suspect yours is to you. The DH I miss wouldn't behave so callously or have left so easily. I try to remember I'm grieving over something that never actually existed.

[MistressDeeCee]

Whatnext074 hopefully being out at work as opposed to being at home, and coming on here, will make you feel better as time goes by.

As for your H's comments about comforting his OW etc, thats just unwarranted mental cruelty. Im not sure whether he is telling you various things personally or via phone, but you need to cut him off as soon as he starts. There is absolutely no point in listening, its going to make you feel worse and that is what it is calculated to do. Frankly, I couldnt care less if he's had a breakdown. More concerned re. how youre getting through life, with what he has inflicted upon you.

Funny how these emotionally abusive men, within the throes of their 'breakdowns', are well able to be blamers and make the women who've stood by them in both good & bad times, the women theyve made committed promises to, feel like shit. Within the breakdown most seem to acquire another woman quickly too, and eventually run off with her. Some breakdown. When my ex did this to me he was full of shit comments such as the OW was a good listener, knew how to be feminine (which means, keep her mouth shut), kind, all the things I (apparently) wasnt. Given that she was a veritable angel according to him, I wonder vaguely why they didnt stay together in perfect and perpetual bliss

I like what posters have said about anger. & you will get angry, and start to see this man for what he is and what he has done. Yes you are grieving for the man he was before, not the man he became. You will go through the fire now, and come out a better person on the other side.

[MistressDeeCee]

Come to think of it what the hell is he doing on your doorstep anyway? He's left, hasnt he? End his game.