DH left for coworker - pain is unbearable

[Whatnext074]

I'm new here and really, really need some advice on how to cope.

My DH left 2 weeks ago when I found out about his affair with his co-worker. For 2 months previous to that it was like he changed overnight from a loving, caring devoted DH to a nasty, violent (to house not to me), verbally abusive stranger. It was like he had no filter and couldn't talk to me nicely even when I begged him to remember who I was as this was so out of character for him.

He became secretive with his phone and came home later and later and I asked him many times if there was someone else. He always said it was all in my head and he would only talk about divorce and selling the house. I put it out of my head as he had always said the thought of infidelity sickens him.

After he had stayed away for a week, I checked his bag and found a diary in there, he had bought one for the OW as well and it was their plan to be together, I was physically sick and even when I confronted him, he denied it. He has since admitted that he is with her and I need to move on. He says he did nothing wrong as he had already told me it was over! I said I am not some gf, I am his wife and it is adultery.

I told him to go and he is now renting a room 40 miles away but I know he spends a lot of time with this OW.

Last year, in the space of 9 months, I had 2 MC at 10 weeks and 3 months. Our niece passed away suddenly at 9 days old and our other niece passed away at 20 months old. On top of this, I was told I was being made redundant and for 3 months thought I'd lose my job until the last minute when I was told my job was available for the short term. I have also been bullied at work by a manager for 7 months. My DH was supportive throughout and always told me to keep it together at work and bring it home to him to talk through. We were each other's strength and we agreed to try once more for a baby.

We've been together 11 years, married for 4 years and were best friends and did everything together. This has shocked everybody who knows us.

I have seen him twice since, the 1st time last Sunday he cried a lot - I still think he's having some kind of breakdown - he's lost so much weight and is having tests for a potentially serious health condition. He said he has to live with the guilt and he knows he's done wrong but we were broken and he couldn't fix it. I saw him briefly yesterday and he was so cold to me again without reason. He continually says "we're over, we're done, get used to it as I'm not coming back". He is so hurtful.

He now wants me to divorce him for adultery as he says he deserves it. I have no intention of divorcing him.

My family and friends are supportive of me but they are worried - and so am I. I have so much pain, both physically and emotionally and to say it hurts is an understatement. I can't eat or sleep and have lost a lot of weight which I couldn't afford to do really, it's not intentional, I just cannot bear to eat properly.

I have seen my GP and for the 1st time in my life am on ADs and am having counselling which isn't really helping. I have anxiety attacks and hyperventilate. I feel I am dealing with so much grief and don't know how much more I can cope with.

[cjel]

solicitor - not soilicitor unless you are gardening

[Whatnext074]

Oh God, I feel so terrible today, I even didn't answer the phone to the Samaritans last night, they phoned 4 times. I couldn't pick it up.

My GP said I shouldn't be at work, my manager aid I shouldn't be at work but what would I do? My family would be so cross with me if I took more time off. It's not a distraction though as I'm not busy and I've been trying to get another job for a year. I know I'm not well enough to be working but I couldn't bear to be at home and don't want to go out.

I know I need to see a solicitor, I saw one weeks ago for the free 30 minutes. I have some savings, he said he's got none. He said if I involve a solicitor, it will go 50/50 and I'll get less than what he's offering me. The solicitor said pretty much the same thing. If I go for full disclosure of his finances then it costs between £5k-£10k to do that. He's clever, secretive and his OW is a bloody accountant! I feel I'm stuck.

What he's offering me is probably reasonable but it's not enough for me to get another property and I don't earn enough for a mortgage.

4 weeks on - not counting the 2 months of mental and verbal abuse he gave me - I am getting worse day by day. I'm sorry, I don't know how to cope.

I've written messages round the house saying "remember DS" just so I don't do something unforgivable. I'm sorry to still be going on, I should be angry, I should be getting better.

[Longtallsally]

Oh Sweetheart, I am sorry that you are feeling worse not better, and I am sorry that I had forgotten that you had seen a solicitor already. No wonder you are not feeling able to move on emotionally. It's hard enough for you to plan on how you are going to move ahead practically first.

Please do make an appointment with CAB to ask their practical advice. They are outside of your situation so may be able to give you some new thoughts about how to tackle the future. Once you feel you have a future, you can start building towards it. In the meantime, I have seen you posting on other people's threads recently which is brilliant. You are in a position to understand and to help other people who are just starting this process which you are on, and it is wonderful that you are prepared to take the time to help them too.

In the meantime, can you take the initiative and ring the Samaritans to reassure them that you are there, but won't always feel like picking up the phone? Sometimes it is easier to make the call than to pick up a call.

One final thought: I came across a quote from Winston Churchill recently which might ring a bell with you: "When you are going through hell . . . keep going!"

Thinking of you.

[cjel]

try not to think of too many things that you'sholud' be doing and try not to think that your family would be cross if you did something. Think what you want to do. You are enough for your needs and you know what is best for you.
As fir him saying if you involve solicitors you will get 50/50 thay is a load of tosh. 50/50 is a usual starting point and it goes hugely up or down depending on loads of things including pension share asset share, future earning potential etc. etc. just because she is a n accountant doesn't mean that she knows about divorce settlements.

Because you are so low you are in danger of not thinking straight about all this and i strongly suggest that you take someone with you your DB perhaps, I'm not sure that your solicitor would have confirmed 50/50 split either.
Take one step at a time. maybe give yourself a week for medication to settle and then speak to someone about the money? Please remember that just because your H says something doesn't mean you have to do it.
Hopefully you will soon reach your lowest point and will get fed up with living like this and will be able to start to take baby steps forward, but remember at your own pace.
have you heard when your counselling will start yet?xx

[springybiffy]

And Winston Churchill had his dark times, so he knew what he was talking about.

I'm so sorry these days are so hard for you, What (((hug))). Have you seen DS? It's not up to your family whether you do or don't take time off - you are an adult, it is your decision. Your mum has been very harsh so she's out of the picture (talk about kick you when you're down - my mum is the same) but I mentioned your bro having a word with DS - can you arrange that? Someone needs to talk to ds to bring in some balance; all he's heard is your mum going on with her very harsh line.

I don't know if you can manage this - and please discount it if you're not up to it - but, sometimes, struggling to get out of the pit only bruises us more; there is a peace to letting go and accepting the awful place we're in. (Like Winston Churchill, I also know what I'm saying, having spent a lot of time in dark pits/hell.)

Hold on darling. Well done for putting up those signs to remind you. You will come through this, even though you can't see a way at the moment

[MistressDeeCee]

Exactly what captainmummy said

and springybiffy

I don't know if you can manage this - and please discount it if you're not up to it - but, sometimes, struggling to get out of the pit only bruises us more; there is a peace to letting go and accepting the awful place we're in. (Like Winston Churchill, I also know what I'm saying, having spent a lot of time in dark pits/hell.)


You know..peace and acceptance then letting go can be really frightening to face. But its opposite - torment - is far worse. Youre going through so many emotions right now, not least are which is anger & pain. I really am sorry you are still feeling bad.

Yes, hold on. You will get there...one day you will wake up and decide, you just arent going to let yourself feel this way anymore. Its about you now, not anybody else so you need to look out for yourself. As posters have said, let your solicitor deal with your H you dont need to do any talking. Anybody can ask for what they want, who says theyre going to get it?

Take one day at a time

[mrscraig]

I hope you're ok. You are very brave. You can't see that at the moment. But you really are. Wishing you lots of Iove at this horrid time x

[Whatnext074]

You have all been so lovely to me and I can't thank you enough. I actually would really struggle more without your support and you all talk sense and understand how I am feeling.

My DS came home an hour ago, he apologised straight away, he said that he's had the worst week as my parents have not stopped arguing and have been involving him about how I'm 'killing myself'. They say that all the family feel I'm being selfish now and I need to get a grip. He said it's too much for him and he snapped at me, he knew it was wrong. I said that I know family are worried about me but nobody is in my head and nobody is in my heart and I am trying everything to help myself but I haven't got to the place where I am ready to be angry with H yet. I remember all the happiness over 11 years, we truly had a loving marriage and this has knocked me totally - along with all the other grieving that I've been dealing with in such a short time. My DS understood and is going to tell them on Monday that he doesn't want to talk about me with them anymore. He will talk to me and get the truth.

My family have a right to worry about me but their lives haven't changed, it's mine and my DS life that's changed. I know my H has tormented me and has caused so much pain but I can't hate him yet.

I feel bad as he moved close to me and I think he was going to hug me but I just quickly said I needed the bathroom, I knew I would cry uncontrollably if he hugged me and I didn't want to do that.

My DB has said he'll come to the solicitor with me, I know I need someone else there to take things in. I struggle to make tea sometimes, let alone see a solicitor and take it in. I will go, I know it's inevitable but part of me doesn't want to divorce him under adultery as that's what my H wants so it's over quicker.

Thank you again xx

[Longtallsally]

Whatnext thanks for posting. I'm sure that they have done away with blame and adultery etc.now for divorce. I'm 99 percent sure that irretrevable breakdown is the only possible cause for divorce which might make it simpler for you all.

Tell your ds that we sounds lovely What a star!

[captainmummy]

What - how lovely of your ds. I hope he does come with you to the sols.

And personally I think it is a huge betrayal of your family to talk about you like that - they are not in this situation; you are, so only you can make that call. Only you know what it is like for you! They should either support you, or ship out!

ANd you don't need to divorce him if you don't want to. He has no grounds to divorce you, so I know I'd feel that I'd want to take as long over it as i need/want. The fact that he wants a quick divorce would be enough for me to drag my heels for years....

[Whatnext074]

He is lovely Longtallsally - although he did ask me if I could stay at a friend's house tonight so he can have his mates round....I said no.

If I file for adultery it doesn't make a difference to settlement, it just makes the process quicker and I believe we can be divorced in 6 months. If he or I file under unreasonable behaviour etc then it takes 2 years unless I contest and then it's 5 years - hence his 5 year diary and their plan with his OW.

Courts don't care about blame, you're right, they just want what is fair for both parties.

I always look at the clock thinking, he would be on his way home now etc....it's all just so sad.

[springybiffy]

I'm so relieved that ds has returned to being his lovely self. What a relief

So you have ds and dbro in your corner at least (and us of course!), which really ain't bad at all - and by that I mean that's a good quota imo: it's often in crises that it is the select few who step up and are marvellous. Your parents seem to be showing their true colours

Big wraparound hug

[Whatnext074]

Thank you springybiffy.

My DB came to see me on Tuesday and said he was so angry with me the night before after speaking to my parents and wanted to come round to "shake me" and tell me to pull myself together - until he saw me, and spoke to me and realised that I am suffering and need their support not tough love. We talked about his daughter who passed away at 9 days old and he made me eat a cake that upset my stomach.

My other DB is coming to see me over the weekend. I love my family but some need to realise that tough love isn't working.

I can't explain how much MN has 'saved me' on certain nights. I really don't know what I would do without you all and I hope you don't get fed up with me. I don't feel so alone as I do at work.

[MummysLittleSunbeams]

Whatnext, I don't post much but I'm lurking all the time to see how you are. Nobody is going to get fed up with you so please don't think that. Your pain is cutting through your posts like razor blades. I honestly feel so bad for you. I've not been in your position so can't offer you much practical advice but I just wanted to say you are not alone.

You have your wonderful boy & you WILL get through these dark days. This WILL make you stronger.

I think you are going to wake up one day soon & instead of wanting to crumple in on yourself you are going to feel very angry. Use that anger wisely. Use it as shield to defend yourself. You have done nothing wrong in all of this. Remember that you have the upper hand.

[Whatnext074]

Thank you so much. I look back on my posts and can't believe it's me, I thought we were forever. We promised each other.

I know part of the process is to get angry and I sadly look forward to those emotions as I may be able to get some control back.

I am so thankful for the support.

[cjel]

My dear what, I am not going anywhere either and won't get fed up with you I promise I have been as low as you although not for these reasons, by the time my H got OW i was way past being broken by him again!
However, I can't say enough that whatever your H wants you don't have to take any notice of. I stopped my divorce because it as going to cost me money - I told him if he wants divorce he can pay!! two years on and he hasn't bothered!!
SOOO pleased you have Ds back and hope other Db will be your support as well tomorrow,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Whatnext074]

My DB attempted suicide years ago after his own relationship breakdown, he doesn't judge me and is caring. I remember for months spending an hour each night listening to him to help him get through it, I remember how utterly sad and desperate he looked each time I saw him. I was so worried about him. I feel so bad for putting my DS through that, he said it hurts him so much to see my pale face and see me shaking. I'm not shaking so much this week, think the tablets are kicking in after 6 weeks.

I don't want to worry anyone, I'm always the one who tries to be there for others. I can't help it though.

What on earth will I do if my H cuts the internet off? I couldn't cope.

I understand about the divorce cjel - although I think my H will pay anything to wipe me out of his life.

[perfectstorm]

WHatnext I have no sage words of wisdom. I just wanted to say you aren't alone, and people here do care. I'm so deeply sorry you are in this situation and please, please hang on to the knowledge that this dark time will pass and you will start to enjoy your life again. As Churchill once said, when in hell all you can do is keep going.

Hang on in there. xx

[bluebirdwsm]

Hi, I just want to add my support as I have also been where you are now. I think one day your brain will get sick of it all, start to rebel and things will start to change. In the meantime just reach out to people who make you feel safe, and eat when you can, and rest. Your son sounds amazing. Your mum just sounds worried sick and frustrated - which isn't helping you at the moment. However you do have people who care about you, and that is such a bonus.
Anger is the great motivator to make the changes needed to be made. I learnt the hard way it was best to cut contact, get rid of everything in the house that reminded me of the other person, keep busy and seek help. The Samaritans were a support, and I only wish I'd had the internet then.

Don't ever feel people will get fed up with you on here. Support is for the long term, seek it for as long as you need it. You will get through this. Live for your son, your family - real love. Help comes sometimes from unexpected places, people you don't expect. Everything changes in time, that's a certainty.

[Whatnext074]

Thank you both.

I am a very private person, mainly because me and my H talked about everything and we didn't need to share problems with other people so this sharing with others about such personal feelings is new to me.

bluebirdwsm - It's comforting to know you are coming through the horrible times. I hope it didn't take you too long. I can't see an end to it.

I have changed the photos but his things are still here as he has only taken some clothes, he threw the rest of them out and bought loads more to fit with his 'new image'.

We bought everything together so I'm surrounded by memories which is doing my head in. He loved shopping. So sad, I would have loved him forever.

[silverwren]

Whatnext, I just joined MN to post here. I read your thread and I'm really sorry about all that you are going through. What a terrible time. I hope that things will improve sooner than later, but want to join in what others are saying that - in the long run - they will get better.

I haven't been in your situation so can't offer much good practical advice there, but a lot of wise women are already covering that.

I did want to say that no matter how you feel about yourself right now, I genuinely believe you're a wonderful person. Deep under the emotional pain and wreckage (or because of?), I see a really brave, loving person. You must be, otherwise it wouldn't come out so clearly over the net to virtual strangers, right? :)

You are brave and you are loyal. Yes, you would have loved him forever if he'd given you the chance to. He doesn't want you to and that is heartbreaking... but you have your son, and you have yourself. Please be very loving to yourself, because you are honestly worth it. No matter what. You will move forward into a better life than what it is now and reach a 'new normal' where you can be happy and breathe.

When I was going through a hard time (completely different trauma but traumatic nonetheless), I remember the most difficult thing each day was getting out of bed. I couldn't believe how the put-together woman I had once been was no longer able to do such a simple thing... and it took me a long time to learn to be kind to myself.

Circumstances change. We don't always have the resources we relied on, or sometimes those resources are no longer enough to face new challenges. In these cases we have to either reduce the challenge somehow or increase our coping mechanisms. I think you've done brilliantly just finding MN and expanding your network of support. Well done you. It's successes like these you can celebrate and hold onto. Some days will be worse than others and it's hard to believe it'll ever end. But it will, it really will. If contemplating the end is too hard (and it often is - such an impossible concept!), focus on something smaller. Next week, tomorrow, the next few hours. Just do whatever you need to do now.

And know that people love you. Hug from across the internet.

[MistressDeeCee]

Yes, as posters have said - we do care. Youre going through a very, very big adjustment. If it helps you to post on here 100 times, then do it. Only time can heal something like this..so hard to see it when youre the one going thru it tho..but that brighter place is waiting for you so just hang on as best you can, and take comfort in your DB etc who are looking out for you. Its your time to be looked after now

[Whatnext074]

Such lovely things to say. I'm sorry I'm so negative, this isn't the real me.

I'm just tired of it all, he can walk away from all the grief and 'drama' as he put it and I'm left to deal with it. I can't believe how my body has reacted, my skin burns, like it's on fire.

I miss the cuddles, the breathing next to me, the snoring, the fact we chatted about things that only made sense to us, the plans we made. I still 'chat' to him in the house sometimes as if he's here. The whole thing is making me crazy and irrational, I really don't like myself and what I've become. I didn't fit into his new life, I wasn't given a chance. He's not hurting, he hasn't said sorry, just discarded me, cut contact and wants me wiped out of his life. We went through so much and he always said we can get through anything together. He lied.

[MistressDeeCee]

Of course it isnt the real you, youve had unexpected trauma drop into youir life.

Youve nothing to say/be sorry for.

Yes - he did lie. He's turned your future upside down. However you do it - whether by going back to gp, therapy, support of your DB and friends etc..get as much help as you can so you can carve a new and brighter future for yourself, as you deserve. I know it doesnt seem like it now but you WILL get through this. Most of us on thread have been through similar. Just remember - as traumatic and soul destroying as these situations are - we're still here. If anyone had told me years ago Id get through my relationship breakdown, Id have said they were lying. But, they werent..and, I did. Eventually. It does take time, no-one can tell you how long or to 'pull yourself together'. One day, it just happens that you reach a better place. Just hold on, for now.

All the things you say you miss..yes. You share with your partner and as well as your lover, he is supposed to be your friend. Its a massive shock when you find out, that he isnt. Take one step at a time and get all the help you can..its out there and it will get you through eventually. You dont sound negative. You sound like a good woman who's been let down. Hold the thought..you will get through, eventually.

[Whatnext074]

It's comforting to know people have come through it and I know I'm not unique. My biggest fear was always that he would die, especially when a close friend's husband died quite young last year. I'm ashamed to admit that it might have been easier as the good memories would still be ours.

I want to stop crying, I do. My DM just says, stop crying, stop it at me and my DF tells me to cheer up. I wish I could. People at work just leave me alone apart from my close friends I have there.

I have to be okay, I have to carry on, I have no choice. People on here have helped me, especially in the evenings when it's so hard. I take all the advice on board as people have been so kind to me.