OMG I didn't knwo H AT ALL! Found out really shocking things .....

[Toothache]

Found out from my Mum about a Provident loan he'd taken out and never paid anything towards. He got into major debt trouble before I met him and I spent most of our 6.5yrs together trying to get him out of it so he could get better credit rating etc etc. This loan was after we got together and it was my Mums friend who was the Provident agent. She told my Mum in confidence that her dd's boyfriend had defaulted on a loan. She confronted H who fell apart saying he'd sort and begged my Mum not to tell me! Which she didn't!

It gets way worse

Then last night my friend was staying over and she's got a bit of tearaway boyfriend who dabbles in coke of a weekend. We were out with them at the beginning of May and H had asked him to get him COKE!

H had a coke problem before I met him.... hence the debts! But that was all well before i met him. Anyway.... I've done a lot of thinking and its been staring me in the face. The mood swings..... going mental if questioned why he had take £30 out the bank when he'd said he was taking out a tenner..... disappearing to work for a couple of hours on his day off...... sometimes being so wired that I used to laugh at how much coffee he'd drank! AM I STUPID??????

So as a matter of interest I got my April bank statement and added up all the cash withdrawals that were not me and in a 20 day period he with drew £620!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could never understand how I'd got such a cracking payrise and was still skint.

I've been so stupid. He doesn't know I know. But he's coming up on Tuesday for ds's birthday, we were going to meet him at Pizza Hut and just grit our teeth. But I can't look at him now!!!! OMG HOW COULD HE????????????????

Toothache, to quote yourself: "Bail conditions state he can't approach me or contact me directly or indirectly." Leaving you nasty letters and texting via friends' mobiles would count as "indirectly", surely? I'm sure he's not the first estranged husband to get his mates involved in intimidating his ex-wife and so I'm sure the police are capable of dealing with that kind of scenario (even if at this stage it is simply logging it).

And although rumours are flying about about you and your behaviour, remember that there are plenty of people who will have things to say about his - unfortunately it is the nature of the situation. And it's easy for me to say but really, try not to take it to heart. As one who has been on the receiving end of unpleasant gossip in the past I truly understanding how hurtful and ... disempowering it can be ... but rise above it hun, they will forget it and move on to someone else in time. And however you behave, there will probably still be rumours, so you might as well go about your life in your own best interests instead of pandering to theirs.

Toothy - it must be horrible - but remind yourself that you can be quite volatile, and take a deep breath and ignore it whenever you can. The facts speak for themselves, and he has been found guilty of assaulting you. Just ignore the rest. Otherwise you will get drawn in, won't you? You've done really well in the last 3 years trying to get your realtionship under control, he has de-railed it. It really doesn't matter what anyone thinks - they can just stew in their own 'wrongness'. Plus, what tossers if they can't see through him. You have better place to put your energies than answer the gossip of tossers. if you rise to it, he has won.

Good luck with your solicitor. You DO need to report it all, though, as if he gets much worse - truly dangerous - in the future, and involves his freinds, say, your case won't be as strong if you can be shown to have ignored the bail conditions conditions.

It is the courts who decide what happens to your H, not you.

Toothy, please try to remember that he is the one at fault here and not you. Who cares what a few wasters think? We know you are a caring responsible Mum who is trying to do her best by her kids.
Hang in there and stay strong huni.

Toothy, we don't believe that you're a monster, and there are a damn sight more of us than 'them'.

Aw MNers you're all fab.

My Solicitor was out of the office all day today despite me being told to phone between 9 and 9.30am!!!!
Left a narky message with his Secretary.

Haven't heard anything at all from H today. I've just been getting angrier and angrier! My Mum has just told me that when my Dad spoke to him the other night to ask him what his intentions were and to ask him to stop making things worse he told my Dad that I was always hitting him, and that I'd hit with whatever I could get my hands on.... and that he can think of at least 4 occasions where he could have got me charged! I can only think of one when he didn't hit me first... and then hit me harder after I hit him!

It sounds so violent, but really it wasn't until recently ( and at the beginning). When I had PND I really hated him for not being there for me. He used to tell me that if I didn't stop acting like a lunatic then ds could get taken away from us. I wasn't that bad for christ sake! But of course I couldn't see that then, I believed him. He used to tell me I was a freak as I sobbed hysterically on the floor. It was the one time in our lives that he felt in control of me. And that was 4 years ago. I recovered. He didn't like that.

...since my recovery I haven't hit him at all. Only pushed him away as he's been in my face hissing that he hates me and that I'm a fat dog/cunt/choose your insult. I've asked him to leave sooooooo many times but he just wouldn't. He was supposed to get a flat in January this year (remember I posted about that?) as well as attending anger management counselling. Hmmm...

You are not a monster, Toothy. He sounds a really nasty one though. What a horrible arsehole.
You SO did the right thing to get shot of him!

OK Toothy here are some stats:

domestic violence kills two women a week.

one in four women are expoised to domestic voilence at some point in their lives

every minute in the UK police recieve a call about domestic violence

Domestic violence against women by men is 'caused' by the misuse of power and control within a context of male privilege

Perpetrators of domestic violence frequently avoid taking responsibility for their behaviour, by blaming their violence on someone or something else, denying it took place at all or minimising their behaviour.

The victim is never responsible for the abuser's behaviour.

'Blaming the victim' is something that abusers will often do to make excuses for their behaviour. This is part of the pattern and is in itself abusive. Sometimes abusers manage to convince their victims that they are to blame for the abuser's behaviour.

Studies of women who kill (Browne, 1987; Jones 1 991) in the US have found that they have in the main experienced repeated and life threatening violence, with a greater frequency of coerced sex. Almost all the women had also attempted to leave and elicit the support of other agencies in their struggles to end violence. Nothing they have attempted has stopped the violence, and many talk of reaching a point where they believe only one of them can survive.

comprises three repetitive cyclical phases: tension building; an acute phase in which the assault occurs; and the contrite reaction, rather distastefully called the 'honeymoon' phase. The repetition of this cycle over time, linked to the undermining of women's self-belief create a situation of 'learned helplessness' whereby the woman feels "trapped in a deadly situation" in which she may fight back with lethal consequences

There is plenty of evidence toothy that women who hit men do so because they are being abused do not beat yourself up or listen to this man!

(sorry for the long post everyone)

Evening! Thanks again for all your advice. Glitterfairy that makes for grim reading doesn't it.

Well I've had no contact now since he was texting me abuse last Monday night. He hasn't phoned the kids.... he hasn't got his Mum to phone them. Nothing.

He's apparently going back to work on Tuesday. CAN NOONE SEEEEE THAT IT'S CONVENIENTLY WHEN THE WORLD CUP HAS ENDED????? He has everyone believing that I'm cheating on him too.

I'm SO angry at him I can't even express it.

But what can I do??? He's supposed to be coming back for good next week and staying at his friends house whilst they are a abroad for a fortnight. In that time he's going to go to work and look for a flat. He'll just want to start seeing the kids whenever he wants.... regardless of how abusive he is to me when he talks to me. There are no bail restrictions involving the kids.... just me.

His court appearance is 20th July.... after that I have nothing protecting me from him. He'll get a fine and thats about it.

What power do I have to just say NO! you're not disappearing from the kids lives then turning up whenever you feel like it and seeing them when its convenient!!!!!

Should I have my Solicitor draw up and visitation agreement? That way I can arrange set days and times he can see the kids. If he refuses then he's effectively refusing to see the kids?

Anyone?

yes toothy sort this out wiht your solicitor. Also ring the DV police officers and talk to them about restricitons that the court can impose alongside the fine. THey can advise you on what you want.

My X is not allowed to come anywhere near me under the harrassment laws if he does he will go straight to court and so far it has worked. This would mean that he cannot come to school when I am there for example!

Your solicitor will know how to proceed here as well get all teh professional advice you need.

GF - Only problem is my Solicitor charges £140 per hour!!!! I'm trying to speak to him as little as possible.

Think you should speak to your solicitor. Surely the Law can protect you and the kids ? Can you take out an injunction or restraining order to stop him contacting you directly ? Might he get a suspended custodial sentence or a fine with conditions attached. Will they allow him unsupervised access to the kids, given his record of violence and flaunting fo bail conditions , perhaps there would need to be a 3rd party present either family or a social worker ?

That is why I didnt get an injunction Toothy! It woudl have cost me too much money! pathetic as it woudl ahve helped in the long run but he broke in and stole my stuff and threatened me when I wasnt there in front of witnesses so luckily the police got him on harrassment in the end.

I would have thought the police and judicial system would have sorted your X out for you. I am now on legal aid which helps but my solicitor doesnt normally take legal aid cases.

I don't qualify for legal aid at all. My Solicitor has told me to expect to pay between £1k and £2k for just a separation..... and thats if its all sorted out amongst H and I first!!!!

A messy separation could cost £5k purely in legal fees.

Still haven't heard from him. Noticed tonight that his viagra that he got on prescription has gone. It was there 2 weeks ago, so one of the times he sneaked into the house he must have taken it. He must have a woman, or he wouldn't have bothered.

oh toothy....

so so soo sorry for you.

hugs.

I've been following your thread, Toothache, but have not posted before. Sorry to hear that things are still so tough for you. Just quickly, re: the viagra; he could have taken it as a friend needed to get hold of some or perhaps to sell. It needn't necessarily be for his own use.

I wondered if he was selling the Viagara too. Try not to jump to conclusions, although I'm sure it is very easy to given his erratic behaviour. Hope you can get some advice today to protect you and the kids.

God toothy, he's such slime.

Do everything by the book - he'll soon reveal his true colours to the rest of the world, don't worry about that. Who'll he abuse now that he doesn't have you to take out his inadequacies on?

Legal fees are a bastard - but then its also worth doing the legal thing properly because it is a form of protection too so it may be one of those grit your teeth and take a loan moments. And seriously, tell the police when he's abusive, tell them because then they can at least build up evidence against him.

Is there any plea/mitigation element to his sentencing? Just if the courts knew what he's up to they might well move to an injunction thing themselves surely?

You're doing so well to keep it together. Must be driving him insane.

Have you changed the locks yet Toothy ?

Thanks MNers.

Yes the locks are changed. Still haven't heard anything. He was apparently coming back to work this week.

I feel awful tonight. Hopeless. I hold it together 95% of the time. Its the other 5% that worries me. Have been so impatient with the kids. Cried for an hour on the phone to my Mum.

This is my life now. Okay, its better than before, but its still not good. And I'm not happy.... and I can't see that changing in the near future. I just feel so bleak. I may feel very different tomorrow, but right now I just want to scream and cry and go out for night out.

Message withdrawn

Toothy hun 5% is not too bad. I am thinking of you! He is a jerk and hopefully willsoon be out of your life. Legal aid still has to be paid back anyway! it just reduces your fees a little that is all.

5% sounds like you are coping with it all pretty well tbh.
It is bound to be hard, especially at first.
Keep strong.x

Toothy huni just hang in there.
You're doing everything right, but it's bound to get on top of you sometimes.
Je* you're only human after all!

Just keep your eye on the prize, having everything sorted and you and your children safe. that's the main thing.

Hi again!
Feeling much better tonight.

My Mum has taken pity and is having the kids overnight tomorrow night.... so I'm off out strrrrrraight from work, to remind myself I'm a single female!!

Plus I got an email from a really nice bloke on Match.com. I know its not exactly love at first sight or that I'm even looking for anything, but I just need a confidence boost and the reassurance that my situation isn't enough to make every man run a mile! So I'm a bit chuffed.

Still no word from H. But I have a £2million appointment with my Solicitor on Wednesday next week..... the day before H's court case. Apparently if he just gets a fine he can just MOVE BACK INTO THE HOUSE???????!!!!!!

Not dwelling on that right now. I had no alcohol at all last night, not even a wee glass of wine... and dd slept all night, so I'm refreshed and much cheerier.

I'll put that last 2 days down to me being tired and weary.