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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OMG I didn't knwo H AT ALL! Found out really shocking things .....

201 replies

Toothache · 25/06/2006 21:08

Found out from my Mum about a Provident loan he'd taken out and never paid anything towards. He got into major debt trouble before I met him and I spent most of our 6.5yrs together trying to get him out of it so he could get better credit rating etc etc. This loan was after we got together and it was my Mums friend who was the Provident agent. She told my Mum in confidence that her dd's boyfriend had defaulted on a loan. She confronted H who fell apart saying he'd sort and begged my Mum not to tell me! Which she didn't!

It gets way worse

Then last night my friend was staying over and she's got a bit of tearaway boyfriend who dabbles in coke of a weekend. We were out with them at the beginning of May and H had asked him to get him COKE!

H had a coke problem before I met him.... hence the debts! But that was all well before i met him. Anyway.... I've done a lot of thinking and its been staring me in the face. The mood swings..... going mental if questioned why he had take £30 out the bank when he'd said he was taking out a tenner..... disappearing to work for a couple of hours on his day off...... sometimes being so wired that I used to laugh at how much coffee he'd drank! AM I STUPID??????

So as a matter of interest I got my April bank statement and added up all the cash withdrawals that were not me and in a 20 day period he with drew £620!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could never understand how I'd got such a cracking payrise and was still skint.

I've been so stupid. He doesn't know I know. But he's coming up on Tuesday for ds's birthday, we were going to meet him at Pizza Hut and just grit our teeth. But I can't look at him now!!!! OMG HOW COULD HE????????????????

OP posts:
Janos · 26/06/2006 09:55

Toothache, I've been following this but haven't posted yet. Anyway..

I remember you taking the time to write a lovely post when I was suffering from terrible PND and you were such a support.

Sadly I can't offer any practical support now due to circumstances but just wanted to add that I'm thinking of you FWIW and I know you and your DC's will get through this.

Good luck dealing with this...you don't deserve any of it.

Please take care.

Socci · 26/06/2006 09:58

Message withdrawn

meowmix · 26/06/2006 10:03

sounds like you have good neighbours toothy - could you ask one of them to get you a lock or recommend someone who can bring one to you? You really need to secure the house imo.

so sorry you have to go through all this. the man's a waste of space, try not to waste energy worrying about him and what he'll do, just do all the practical stuff you can to be safe.

by the way as far as I can see there's only one c*nt in this story and it sure isn't you

glitterfairy · 26/06/2006 11:50

HIya Toothy have emailed you. Nightmare!!! Get the solicitor onto this immediately and everyone is right change the locks. Is the house in your name? If not he can tkae you to court for changing the locks but he wont win because of his violence. The domestic violence officers in the police were quite helpful to me when they spoke to me about what to put in bail conditions etc and you should ahve ahd a referral. Also womens aid are really good at dealing with things like this and can access legal advice if you want a second opinion.

WideWebWitch · 26/06/2006 11:51

Toothache, sorry to hear this. Gosh, it does make it all click into place doesn't it? I was thinking about you this morning having read this v briefly yesterday but not had time to post. Sympathy.

Original poster
Toothache · 26/06/2006 13:59

Thanks for all your support. I'm at work just now. I've had no contact from him. I can't phone him coz he's not charged his phone for a week or more. I'm not phoning the house to get his Mum again. I don't know how to get the locks changed before tomorrow afternoon. I'm at a total loss. How could he throw everything away.

He did this before, but all he through away was his job. He moved up to Scotland, met me 6 months later and I was his fresh start. His Mum always told me I was the one who had saved him from himself. And now I'm apparently the one who has ruined his life.

How did I end up with this life??? A month ago I was a married woman with 2 children, in a marriage that wasn't great, but had the potential to work. Now I'm on my own, scared, confused and facing having to change locks to keep the Father of my babies away.

OP posts:
MrsDoolittle · 26/06/2006 14:04

Toothache, I just want to add my support.
You're such a lovely poster, I'm really sorry that you are going through this

LadyTophamHatt · 26/06/2006 14:05

Toothache.....YOU didn't ruin his life!!

OMG don't believe that for a second.

Call an emergency locksmith....or could you ask one of your newfound lovely neighbours to help out?
I'm sure they would.

expatinscotland · 26/06/2006 14:12

YOU did not ruin his life. Huh? No, I don't think so. HE let drugs ruin his job, his finances, his marriage, his kids and even his freedom.

He could have killed you, Toothy.

YOU are not the bad guy here.

I second seeing if a neighbour can help you get the locks changed - bet there are some like my dad who revel in DIY and helping people in need out.

misdee · 26/06/2006 14:13

what lock do you have? its easy to change a lock, or you could call a locksmith to do it.

YOU DIDNT RUIN HIS LIFE, HE IS ON SELF DESTRUCT"

rickman · 26/06/2006 14:15

Message withdrawn

Fimbo · 26/06/2006 14:18

Here is a Locksmith for your area. They will come out any time. You could ask for them to come tonight when you get home from work. HTH

LIZS · 26/06/2006 14:20

You are not responsible for his behaviour or his life. Does his mum know about his "habit" I wonder ? Was it him having problems last year with his job and training scheme, might it go back that far ?

WideWebWitch · 26/06/2006 15:02

Toothache, you have NOT failed. You have 2 lovely children, you have the ability to support them and you've taken action to get someone who was violent and irresponsible because of a drug habit out of your life. You're doing well, be proud of yourself.

prettybird · 26/06/2006 15:33

Really sorry to hear abut all of this Toothache.

Remember - it is not your fault. He has to take responsibility for his own actions.

I think Enid is right - the cocaine will be responsible for a lot his recent changes, and if/when he gets on top of it, you may be able to establish a better relationship. I'm not meaing you and him - I'm meaning more, him and his kids.

WRT this week, it may be worth still simply grtting your teeth and going through with the dinner at Pizza Hut for the sake of your ds. This is, if you ds would be upset if he didn't see his dad - it is after all his brithday. If you ds is not bothered, then absolutely, tell you ex-to-be-h not to waste the trip up. I'm trying to put myslef in your ds' shoes, who wants to see his dad - hard as it would be on you.

On a pratical point though - would he not be breaching his bail condiitions if he meets you at the Pizza Hut? If it is legal for him to meet you, and your ds still wants this meal, then why not write your h a note to give to him at the beginning of the evening, saying that you have gone ahead with this for your ds' sake, but that his behaviour, including your recent disccovery of his renewed coke habit, means that any future communication will be done via the solicitor. Tell him too that the locks have been changed, that you will be chaning your phone number and that phone contact with the children will be done at a pre-determined time under your control. As I understand it, the mortgage is in your name already, so that you won't have ny difficulty in keeping him out of the house - but get legal advice anyway.

Then toalk to him the minimum possible during the meal and remind yourslef you are doing it for the sake of your ds.

bluejelly · 26/06/2006 16:03

Good post prettybird.
Toothache so sorry you are going through this.

prettybird · 27/06/2006 11:43

Hope your ds has a nice birthday!

shoppingsecret · 27/06/2006 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Toothache · 27/06/2006 20:48

Hi all.

Thanks Prettybird. Good to hear from you!

Well we went to Pizza Hut today. I'd spoken to H last night on the phone and asked him about the coke and he of course denied it. Went of his head.... not at me for asking, but directed at my friends bf who for saying that. He says that he's lying and that her bf is a lying cokehead. Well.... take one to know one eh!!!!

I was actually surprised by his reaction, he really wasn't angry at me as far as I could tell.

Anyway, he arrived in Scotland very early (left his folks at 6am this morning!). He came up to the house and I let him in. He gave ds some presents and helped me get them ready. Then we went for lunch and then H bought the kids MORE presents. He took me for a food shop and then came back to the house to build the trampolene he bought for the kids. We actually built it together and got on fine.

I brought up that it was really hard dealing with kids on my own, he said he imagined it would be. Then he added that it was harder without them. I gave him that, it probably is. BUT BUT BUT BUT he did add that the World Cup was a good way for him to take his mind off things!!

Anyway, he's going to the GP tomorrow to get signed off work for longer . Then going to his work to explain things.... then court 10am Thursday morning (sentencing is being adjourned until WHO KNOWS).... then he's off back down to Liverpool. Probably until after the World Cup final!

THEN his plans are to come up here and spend the time off work looking for a flat. I pointed out that it was more sensible for him to phone some places whilst he was here now so he could have a look around flats and maybe find one now. And I gave him the local paper opened at the TO RENT pages.

He left at 5.30pm trying to hide his tears from the kids.

They had a fab time BTW! And I'm glad I went..... but it was so hard for me. Harder than I thought. I thought I'd be scared of him, but I wasn't. He was so... well.... broken.

So thats it really. He may come around tomorrow night to say good night to the kids... he may just phone.

His MOTHER phoned this morning to say Happy Birthday to ds and was extremely pleasant to me. Even saying "See you soon, take care" at the end of the phone call.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toothache · 27/06/2006 21:05

Noone around to comment? Could really do with some "you did the right thing" support... or even "OMG why did you let him in!" comments?

OP posts:
LIZS · 27/06/2006 21:07

Glad today passed off peacefully but think you may have to be careful having him round while injunction is in place.

Kathlean · 27/06/2006 21:08

Must admit I had thought the second but didn't want to be petty and upset you by putting it, what would it have acheived?

As long as everything went OK and you and yours are safe that is what is important(-:

Original poster
Toothache · 27/06/2006 21:15

LIZS - I know, but the kids were so pleased to see him and he really was being quite pathetic.

TBH I am by FAR the strongest out of the 2 of us and always have been. He's been like a child to me.... a child who turned incredibly violent and uncontrollable!

I didn't once feel guilty for the situation, just so wanted today to be about us as a family, which it was and the fact we built the trampolene together created the illusion for the kids.

I'm still uncertain about the coke. I've no doubt that he's been taking it since this happened, but before it.... I'm still open to the fact that my friends bf may be lying. I will find out though....

Kathlean - I need those thoughts too, to help me keep my rational head on!

OP posts:
gomez · 27/06/2006 22:14

Oh Toothy love I am so sorry that all this sh*t is happening. I just kinda pop in and out here so not treally on top of it all.

Having quickly skimmed this thread I think you very reasonable about today and TBH I am not sure how else you could have played it.

But why would your friend's bf lie about the coke thing?

take care

Miaou · 27/06/2006 22:21

Toothy, I am so glad today passed off well for you - and I'm glad that you are not feeling too sorry for him either - "broken" he may be (am very glad about it too, he is now seeing the consequences of his actions) but he did the breaking, not you. However I am confident that I am telling granny how to suck eggs here

And am very pleased that your MIL was so nice to you - maybe she's had time to think too and realised that if she doesn't keep on your side she may lose contact with her grandkids.

Keep strong

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