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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OMG I didn't knwo H AT ALL! Found out really shocking things .....

201 replies

Toothache · 25/06/2006 21:08

Found out from my Mum about a Provident loan he'd taken out and never paid anything towards. He got into major debt trouble before I met him and I spent most of our 6.5yrs together trying to get him out of it so he could get better credit rating etc etc. This loan was after we got together and it was my Mums friend who was the Provident agent. She told my Mum in confidence that her dd's boyfriend had defaulted on a loan. She confronted H who fell apart saying he'd sort and begged my Mum not to tell me! Which she didn't!

It gets way worse

Then last night my friend was staying over and she's got a bit of tearaway boyfriend who dabbles in coke of a weekend. We were out with them at the beginning of May and H had asked him to get him COKE!

H had a coke problem before I met him.... hence the debts! But that was all well before i met him. Anyway.... I've done a lot of thinking and its been staring me in the face. The mood swings..... going mental if questioned why he had take £30 out the bank when he'd said he was taking out a tenner..... disappearing to work for a couple of hours on his day off...... sometimes being so wired that I used to laugh at how much coffee he'd drank! AM I STUPID??????

So as a matter of interest I got my April bank statement and added up all the cash withdrawals that were not me and in a 20 day period he with drew £620!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could never understand how I'd got such a cracking payrise and was still skint.

I've been so stupid. He doesn't know I know. But he's coming up on Tuesday for ds's birthday, we were going to meet him at Pizza Hut and just grit our teeth. But I can't look at him now!!!! OMG HOW COULD HE????????????????

OP posts:
Original poster
Toothache · 04/07/2006 21:29

My Dad asked him why, if he wanted to see the kids so much... he wasn't up here picking them up for Nursery etc. He said that he had no money to stay up here..... to which my Dad replied "well you've enough to go out drinking with!"

He said.... can you believe this..... "I've got nothing left, I'll probably lose my job.... what else have I got to do but drink in the pub with my mates"!!!!!

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!!?!?!?!?!?!?! He could make sure none of that happens by not letting it happen! Revolutionary!

OP posts:
VeniVidisco · 04/07/2006 21:33

And you were with this man HOW LONG?

Original poster
Toothache · 04/07/2006 21:38

nearly 7 years.

OP posts:
rickman · 04/07/2006 22:18

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Toothache · 04/07/2006 22:21

Rickman - coz I think thats what he's goading me to do. Then he has the perfect excuse to give up work and give up on life.... then I'm to blame IYSWIM. I'm not rising to it and its driving him MENTAL!

OP posts:
Blu · 04/07/2006 22:24

If he comes to the house, you must report him if it breaks his bail conditions.

Toothy - do you not understand this? What is the point of the courts putting something in place designed to protect you if you don't play a part in ensuring it is kept? If he claims in court that you are willingly allowing him to come to the house, don't you tink that MIGHT just effect the way they interpret just how much he frightens you?

REal apologies if i have this wrong, and maybe it is differnt in Scotland. And i don't mean to sound hard in you - i feel very very sorry that you are going through this.

But the bail conditions are serious, and you have to uphold them too, afaik.

Original poster
Toothache · 04/07/2006 22:32

Blu - The bail conditions only restrict him coming to the house when I'm in it though! He shouldn't be texting me but he's using his friends phone, so I can't prove it isn't his friend.

OP posts:
LeahE · 04/07/2006 22:35

You can't prove it isn't his friend, but you can stop answering the texts and you can report them so at the very least you are buliding up a pattern of feeling threatened by him.

What exactly are his bail conditions?

rickman · 04/07/2006 22:35

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Toothache · 04/07/2006 22:37

Thats true.

Bail conditions state he can't approach me or contact me directly or indirectly. That includes the property if I there.

OP posts:
Blu · 04/07/2006 22:37

O.K. Thanks for the clarification - sorry, Didn't mean to nag at you

Hmmmm - he's being deliberately clever, then, isn't he, texting from mates' phone? And i would have thought leaving an unpleasant note in your house was near the knuckle -ooh, he has no intention of taking this quietly, has he?

Kayleigh · 04/07/2006 22:39

Toothache, I don't spend much time on here at the moment but just spotted this thread and saw what a shit time you have had lately. Am really sorry you are going through this but you are getting some great advice on here. I just wanted to say hello and that I'll be thinking of you and following your thread. Xxx

Original poster
Toothache · 04/07/2006 22:40

But I'm scared! Scared of becoming the person he's telling everyone I am.... scared that everyone will think I AM trying to stop him seeing the kids and I'm not.

OP posts:
anorak · 04/07/2006 22:42

Toothache, keep a record of all the texts and the numbers from which they come.

The courts (IMO) don't usually want actual proof of these things but can work out what seems reasonable assumptions to make, especially if that isn't the only way he's goading you.

As time goes by I expect you'll be dealing with family/county courts rather than criminal courts if anything else happens and things don't have to be strictly proved there, they just have to sound reasonable.

rickman · 04/07/2006 22:42

Message withdrawn

anorak · 04/07/2006 22:43

I am so glad you have internet access at home now. This would be just double awful if you couldn't chat about it.

Original poster
Toothache · 04/07/2006 22:44

People are believing him that I'm a monster.
He's getting to me and I'm so trying not to let him. He's probably reading this!!!!!

I've got an appointment with my Solicitor tomorrow... so I'm not just leaving it. But I don't want to down the road of having him put in prison yet.

OP posts:
LeahE · 04/07/2006 22:45

He's an abusive irresponsible physically and emotionally violent cokehead -- your priority should not be what people will think of you, it should be your own safety. Anyone who blames you in this situation doesn't have an opinion worth bothering about (and I am painfully aware that that's easy for me to say but more difficult for you to live).

rickman · 04/07/2006 22:46

Message withdrawn

controlfreaky2 · 04/07/2006 22:48

sorry if im repeating stuff already said on here but havent had time to read whole thread. have you had any legal advice toothache? you can get injunction (court order) in civil court to prevent him using violence / threatening / harrassing / pestering you / coming to your property... dosent matter if there are also bail conditions / crim proceedings. you have no control over those bail conditions / outcome of crim case but you can get order to protect yourself.... if you can get advice from specialist family solicitor (you may qualify for public funding to meet cost). stay strong. good luck.

Original poster
Toothache · 04/07/2006 22:55

Rickman - coz I got him charged when we've had previous violent encounters... posted on here about them at the time. Drunken fights... I've slapped him, he's retorted with more force... etc etc. He's just told everyone I've hit him before.
But that was all years ago anyway... in the past few months he's become increasingly violent and I haven't been violent at all for about 3 years. He's telling everyone I'm having an affair as well! I'm SOOOOOO not! I'd have posted on MN about it if I had. LOL!

I've had legal advice and I'm speaking to my Solicitor about all this tomorrow morning. I am doing something about it... honest!

OP posts:
iota · 04/07/2006 22:57

good luck Toothy, stay strong. He's rubbishing you to make himself feel better...ooh it's not my fault I'm in a mess it's hers.
But then you know that , don't you?

glitterfairy · 05/07/2006 06:53

God I am fuming and feeling for you at the same time Toothy.

I know about this as I have so ben here in some ways.

My view FWIW is that

  1. every time he comes to the house and is abusive you should tell the police. They will create a log for you. Even if they do nothing they will record it.

  2. keep the text messages for the solicitor as they can use them in court as evidence regardless of which phone they come from.

  3. Stop all communication with him do not reply and make sure he is told firmly by the police that any infringment of his bail conditions will make his court case worse.

  4. phone womens aid and speak to them. They give really good advice and may offer you a great deal of support.

  5. protect your kids from this man who seems on the edge of raitionality

  6. protect yourself

And above all stop worrying what others think and I really do know that this is easier said than done. In the end whatever you do the people who believe him will never believe you. It wont matter if you are reasonable he will turn it all around on you and if you do things to protect yourself they will still believe him. None of your behaviours will make a difference to anyone who gives him the time of day.

lizziemun · 05/07/2006 07:16

toothy,

i think this is typical of the guilty party when a marriage breaks down.

my dad did this when my parent seperated after 25yrs, apparently she had an affair while working full time looking after 3 children him and not being able to drive. When he was the one having the affair.

Protect yourself,children and property, don't worry what about what these so called friends are thinking or beleiving they are not worth the energy you using.

FioFio · 05/07/2006 07:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn