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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband on dating sites-how original

192 replies

dhisawanker · 18/09/2013 09:57

Found out that h has been on dating sites such as 'shagoholic' 'gay partners' 'upforit' and he now classes himself as bisexual. This is not the first time. He was doing it before we married

i had it out with him and apparently its all my fault because i didnt love him enough. Im a fucking bitch and he is done with me? er i threw u out matey

he is staying at his mums and i feel lost, cheated and marriage was a fraud

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 20/09/2013 21:22

That's just a load of eyewash designed to put it all back to you, rather than hold his hands up to what he's done. Pillock. His profile didn't sound much like it was cuddles he was after!

Try not to engage with him. You don't owe him a reply to a text message. Once I understood this (wrt my very own exH), life got a shite sight better. My ex is slowly starting to understand that an aggressive text message won't be replied to, but a civil one will. I highly recommend it!

littleblackno · 20/09/2013 21:32

I've just read this and it's made me cry so much as I could have written it a few years ago. I found my exh's profile on these sites, when I confronted him he told me it was my fault as I was always tired and not having sex with him enough. He made me question everything i'd ever thought about our relationship (12 years of it).
You are angry and hurt, you are allowed to be, don't bottle it up and let it out. But do that with friends or on here. Don't send him the email or txt him. Ignore, ignore, ignore him. He can make of that what he wants to. It will get easier and you will feel better of yourself for not being with him and you know that this is his problem not yours.
I really feel for you, I know how you feel but honestly give yourself some time, be kind to yourself and things will get better. Flowers Wine

Original poster
dhisawanker · 20/09/2013 21:48

does it get better? why do they do it. its like i have to be in performance mode all the time

OP posts:
littleblackno · 20/09/2013 22:35

It does get better, really it does. It does take time and you need to allow yourself that. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, but don't wallow in it (sorry that isn't ment to sound harsh, I just mean that you will be able to move on in time and not give him the same energy as he doesn't deserve it.
I don't know why they do this, it's like the 'romantic fantasy' of the perfect family does not exist. No shit- family life with kids, bills, work etc etc is HARD work and boring at times. They seem to forget the positives about it all, and think "oh life would be so much better if I could just shag whoever I wanted to" The internet seems to promise that there are loads of women (and men) out there all wanting this too so thats what they go on looking for. (I guess there are some but not that many to go around really!)
For my ex he said he started looking for some 'excitement' and then needed more and more to get the same 'buzz'. It became like an addiction I guess.

Original poster
dhisawanker · 20/09/2013 22:46

I feel alone. He said he switched off from me months ago -nice of him to tell me.

I thought at 41 my life would be sorted but no. Back on the rollercoaster x

OP posts:
LilyBossom · 21/09/2013 00:02

Please do not feel alone. Yes it gets better, far better. I could have written what you wrote last year, and it is a long bloody hard road, a horrid rollercoaster, but you will be ok, I promise.

The betrayal and coming to terms with what he has done is just awful. But do not try to understand or justify what he did, you never will because your brain is not wired like his. Do not torture yourself with the whys or wherefores. But whatever happens none of it is your fault, he chose to give himself permission to do whatever he has done, and that is down to him and his flaws and weaknesses. It is an abhorrent way to treat anyone and it is entirely his fault. Rant here or with your friends - do not engage with him in any way unless it is regarding children/contact. He is no longer your friend and he is not on your side any more.

But, you will be happy again. I didn't even know how to get through the next 5 minutes, but you will find the strength and you will get through it - and you can and will be happy again. You just need to trust in yourself and your own strength.

Original poster
dhisawanker · 21/09/2013 01:49

I feel i have no strength . He says he wants that 'in love ' feeling .Says it all really . Obviously parenting and just being loved wasnt enough for him

OP posts:
Ezio · 21/09/2013 02:48

Hes talking bullshit, you dont go on those sites for love, you go on there for cheap, tacky sex.

Original poster
dhisawanker · 21/09/2013 06:42

Well i up again and it still a horrible nightmare

OP posts:
LilyBossom · 21/09/2013 09:17

don't engage with him any more - he is not going to give you the answers you want to hear, you are just hurting yourself speaking to him.

Who cares what he wants? He destroyed your relationship and trust and is now trying to justify it by making out you and your relationship was lacking. He is an utter disgrace.

Original poster
dhisawanker · 21/09/2013 10:01

Im trying so hard not to text or reply. why am i looking for hope and love when there is none there.

The pain crazy but i should be used to it. he has done this to me before and i always begged him to come back.

im such a fucking idiot

OP posts:
littleblackno · 21/09/2013 10:02

What is it with people feeling that they are not "in love"? That feeling doesn't last (well not in most relationships anyway), especially when you have small kids. You can still be loved, respected and desired without having the initial high and giddyness when you 1st get together.

OP you will be fine, you really will. Don't give him the energy of a response. He will never appreciate how he's made you feel. I've found it's not healthy to be in conflict or angry all the time - although it would be easy to be. I know it feels like the bottom has dropped out of your world but you can and will get through it. Think of it as a lucky escape. x

littleblackno · 21/09/2013 10:04

You are not an idiot, you have clearly invested alot into this relationship and it's hard to accept that he's not going to give the same back.

Original poster
dhisawanker · 21/09/2013 10:05

Its all my fault because i went out a couple of times a week. mostly meetings. Oh and i got dragged to see a band with a friend. Oh and i was fb talking to my mate to much

I did turn to drink cos i felt him drift away again. i made up this man in my head because i dont know him at all.

Been together 11 years married for not even married for 2

OP posts:
Original poster
dhisawanker · 21/09/2013 10:08

I have lost half a stone though and can now un block a toilet.

knowing he hasnt loved me for months but still slept in my bed to almost too much for me to bear

OP posts:
Original poster
dhisawanker · 21/09/2013 10:12

Im trying to think of all the bad things he has done to me so i can pull myself out of this fog

OP posts:
Original poster
dhisawanker · 21/09/2013 10:14

maybe i should block his number

i cant handle all the things he says

OP posts:
LilyBossom · 21/09/2013 10:17

it is not your fault - you deserve so much better. You don't need to stop having nights out to make him happy.

Yes definitely block his number - do not read what he says and do not reply - that is the best piece of advice I was ever given. Please take it.

Original poster
dhisawanker · 21/09/2013 10:23

Ok . Just so hard

I suppose he always managed to tune out x

OP posts:
Original poster
dhisawanker · 21/09/2013 10:24

I wouldn't mind but the night i go out is the night he is out anyway.

I feel soo sad and i am in tears constantly. i just want the pain to end

OP posts:
LilyBossom · 21/09/2013 10:26

it is hard - but you must stop thinking about him, his motives, how he managed to live such a lie. His behaviour is nothing to do with you, it is all about him and shows what sort of person he is.

Now block his number and do not speak to him. There is nothing to be said. He has chosen this path, let him go and live it. See how wonderful his shiny new life is.

Original poster
dhisawanker · 21/09/2013 10:37

I know

It just goes over in my head. he was always on the look out for something/someone better. I know that now.

I just do not get why he thinks all this is ok. he says he doesn't know how to fix things?? er by not goin on sex sites every time you think there is a problem might help.

And we have a boy to who is 9 today. why do they think its ok to hurt the mother of their child.

I just wish i can get over this cos the thought of another day like this is hell

OP posts:
LilyBossom · 21/09/2013 10:45

yes you can - but it will take time. I am nearly 2 years ahead of you. Just concentrate on what is good, enjoy time with your boy, lean on friends and family.

He is no longer part of your life - give yourself time to grieve but do not speak to him at all. Your ex does not deserve your time or headspace.

Original poster
dhisawanker · 21/09/2013 11:00

Im trying so hard. I keep dreaming that he is back and that he is sorry but he isnt and wont be.

Has anyone asked a bloke who has done this if they ever regretted it?

OP posts:
LilyBossom · 21/09/2013 11:38

yes mine came back twice - sobbed how he regretted it, grass isn't greener, OW is a nightmare and makes his life hell, and he would do anything to turn the clock back - sent him packing back to the OW each time. I deserve so much better than him, as does our daughter.

Mine doesn't bother to even contact our daughter now. He didn't see her for months, turned up, then vanished again, then 8 months later turned up again. We sent him packing. He doesn't even know how our daughter fared in her GCSEs. His loss. My daughter doesn't miss him. And I just feel huge relief to not have to deal with his abuse, temper and issues. We are free and it is flipping wonderful.