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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband on dating sites-how original

192 replies

dhisawanker · 18/09/2013 09:57

Found out that h has been on dating sites such as 'shagoholic' 'gay partners' 'upforit' and he now classes himself as bisexual. This is not the first time. He was doing it before we married

i had it out with him and apparently its all my fault because i didnt love him enough. Im a fucking bitch and he is done with me? er i threw u out matey

he is staying at his mums and i feel lost, cheated and marriage was a fraud

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/09/2013 23:19

At the moment, this pain has an endpoint.

If you invite him back, it will never end. And imagine, how this dog with 2 dicks will feel ? Like The Right Fucking Big I Am. That he can treat women like this and get away with it. Next move, he's shagging them in your bed. Mark my words, love.

mammadiggingdeep · 18/09/2013 23:25

My tax credits came in two weeks....applied in June initially. Also just applied for childcare element of tax credit....applied 1st sept payment on the 10th
X

Original poster
dhisawanker · 18/09/2013 23:27

im just scared of the future and without him in it. i know its for the best as i need someone who is honest and not lie to me at every turn xx

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mammadiggingdeep · 18/09/2013 23:30

Give yourself time. It's all a process. It will be hard without him (at first) but a lot harder with him. You can do a lot better than him. You deserve a lot better. You talk about your 20 year old self...what do you want your 80 year old self to say one day???

Original poster
dhisawanker · 18/09/2013 23:52

my 80 year old self would give me a clip round the ear and tell me to sort my shit out and then give me a big hugs and let me cry

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AnyFucker · 19/09/2013 07:26

Strangley enough, that is exactly what you get from MN Smile

Original poster
dhisawanker · 19/09/2013 07:48

well i am up but not functioning

i still havent heard from him. i guess this is it isnt it

or at least it should be

OP posts:
Original poster
dhisawanker · 19/09/2013 08:49

im trying to call gum clinic. im just so worried. he has form of cheating on me before and we split up for 6 months before we married. i am fed up of watching my back with him.

OP posts:
LucyInTheSky78 · 19/09/2013 10:51

Have you checked housing benefit too? I used to receive that when I was single and working part time with one child. It was a life saver financially. I got payments every two weeks and it also heavily reduced my council tax bill. I remember it being done quite fast.

Even if you don't have all the financial information they need, it still gets the ball rolling (also, councils are in touch with the government regarding tax credits and can see how much you're going to get paid or that there's an application in process). But my point is, you can do the application and they're happy to wait for any missing bits of paperwork.

Or if you're already getting housing benefit then you can update it all.

I think the best thing to do, is to sit down in peace and quiet and write a list of all the things you need to do to sort yourself out financially, starting with urgent and then work your way down the list. Once that is taken care of, it takes a huge worry off your shoulders. At least it did for me when I left my partner with a 3 month old in tow.

Do you have joint bank accounts? Do you need to open a new one? All these kinds of questions too. I'm sorry if you already know/have done all this :)

And lastly, chin up! You don't need this prick. Your life is going down a whole new path - just keep telling yourself how much happier you're going to be once things settle down and you don't have to take any crap anymore. Good luck and big hugs.

Jan45 · 19/09/2013 11:06

DHIAW: just wanted to say I'm so sorry you are going through this, so unfair on you. Just remember if he was doing it before he's probably never actually stopped it - he clearly has a problem, not you, don't let him drag you down with him. It's not you, he'd be like this with any woman, he just can't help himself, maybe one day he will wake up but you're not going to hang around for that, it may never actually happen!

Original poster
dhisawanker · 19/09/2013 13:49

I know he last gf dumped him because she found reams of text to other women.

What a fool i have been. I have been reading Chumplady and it has been very insightful. I was 'lovebombed' by him and created all these feelings now i feel im goin mad. i have wasted 11 years of my life on someone who i already knew was a baddun

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 19/09/2013 14:02

Don't waste another second on the useless bastard, then! Thanks

How are you feeling today?

Original poster
dhisawanker · 19/09/2013 14:04

very sad and scared about the future. i still cant stop bloody crying. even more so that he cant even be arsed to fight for me. it was all bout him.

i just want to come through the other side

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Original poster
dhisawanker · 20/09/2013 09:15

I c&p this as im drafting and email to hom. i cant be arsed with grammar as im too busy crying. oh and the bullet points have disappeared x

Things you have taught me

When someone tells you who they are then i should believe them. you told me from the beginning that you were a perv, had a darkside, cheated with hookers and online people but i wanted to see good in you. there wasnt any. just a zombie.

realise that whatever happens im always alone
i can never be everything to one person
my world is always one step away from cracking
there is a reason why somebody has no friends. they are incapable of empathy, love, connection and joy. they have a void that needs to be constantly filled by faceless humanless people.
Some who needs Flattery. Attention. Easy sex. Admiration without accomplishment. Shallow attachment. Infatuation. Fantasy. Centrality is someone to beware of
Never ever be myself because im not good enough. never will be. never try to better myself because someone will always be bored of me
Never give 100% to anyone because people will hurt you.
Feel sorry for you because your brand of illness is destroying me
I loved you so much and im gonna do the kindness and most loving thing for you and that is to leave.

you will l find another pussy, I mean woman to latch onto. I feel sorry for her too. She will fall but you  will do to her what you  did to me. guaranteed.
My kids love me. No one has asked for you once. thats says a lot to me. kids has not asked for you cos you were never here not really. im the only one crying.
I was the only one who fought for 'us' . soon as there was trouble you went with someone else. i tried to be like that too. but i cant. i need monogamy i need to trust. i need to love someone and be with one person. I never felt 'looked after' or cherished. I turned to drink to fill a void because i know you didnt love me.  My head wants to believe you did but my heart knows you dont. and that is devastating to me.
i do  not even know why im sending this. you will always be more important to u. u not asked about (son)  once. only about tomorrow because you want to save face in front of your mother.
OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 20/09/2013 11:58

That's a great email and I imagine writing it will have been cathartic for you. However, I would advise you not to send it to him. Any form of contact is power for him and he'll just feed off the obvious pain in your message. He'll probably even be expecting something of the kind. Just maintain radio silence! It'll drive him crazy and show him you mean business more effectively.

Original poster
dhisawanker · 20/09/2013 13:26

I feel like i want to die . I wish i could sleep and not awake up .

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Original poster
dhisawanker · 20/09/2013 13:29

The pain is too much to bear . I cant believe this is happening

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johnworf · 20/09/2013 13:39

I agree with fetchezlavache...don't send it but keep it. You are obviously in enormous pain right now which isn't surprising given what he's done.

Have you spoken to your GP? They might be able to give you some short term relief with some medication or counselling.

The fact your children haven't missed him speaks volumes.

AnyFucker · 20/09/2013 14:32

Sweetheart, I can't type much as I am on my phone at work. Please ring a friend in RL and have a good cry. This is awful for you. If that isn't possible, have a chat with The Samaritans. I can't link just now but easily googleable.

This man doesn't deserve your distress. He is an utter cunt,, but of course you loved him and thought he felt the same. Take a hold of your kids and embrace your little family's unconditional love. What mere man should ever spoil that for you ?

Original poster
dhisawanker · 20/09/2013 15:03

I know

im just soo sad. He blames me because I never loved him enough. So he went on sex sites looking for well whatever.

My heart and head are screaming and i have been in dressing gown all day and prob smell a bit.

It seems i was always on the back foot with him

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AnyFucker · 20/09/2013 16:04

Go have a shower, you will feel a bit better

You are entitled to wallow just now. But soon you will start picking yourself up. Or else what is the alternative ? No man is worth that x

Original poster
dhisawanker · 20/09/2013 18:46

Im trying. The alternative is being stuck to the dressing gown

went out and got some more presents for somes birthday tomorrow. my brother lent me some cash

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Original poster
dhisawanker · 20/09/2013 18:47

sons birthday -doh

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FetchezLaVache · 20/09/2013 20:02

Have a lovely day tomorrow for your son's birthday, OP! So nice of your brother to lend you some money.

Original poster
dhisawanker · 20/09/2013 21:02

Well we just had a text row. Apparently im now not cuddly enough or loving. He Obviously he failed to mention his bisexual tendencies.
Oh and im throwing sons birthday at him as i told him that he not mentioned him at all

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