So shocked at my behaviour

[Cantbelievethisjusthappened]

Can't believe what just happened....

Bit of background. Dp and I have been together for 4 years and have ds, nearly 2, and dd, 4 weeks.

I was in hospital lady Sunday in agony which has since been diagnosed as gallstones. Was sent home with anti sickness pills and tramadol. But was advised not to take tramadol when on my own with kids and to be careful with it as can have a knock out effect.

Been fine all week and then tonight, I have another attack. Projectile vomiting and lots of pain. Took a tramadol and anti sickness pill and all calmed down.

Woke at 3am by dd who needs feeding. Feel very groggy and struggle to keep my eyes open. Dd messing on boob, on and off, on and off. For an hour. Dp asks if there's anything he can do and I say no. Then I ask him to pass my pump and have baby whilst I express (only feed on one boob). We use a flashlight during night feeds etc and I had it on as normal. Dp covers dds face and i ask him what he's doing to which he replies huffily "it's in her eyes". It was pointing no where in her direction and I said that. I also pointed out that we use it every night so why he's making a big deal of it now I don't know. He replied again huffily saying "well it's in my eyes"

I said that daylight is brighter on his eyes and to grow up. He told me to stop having a go and I said that I was feeling shit and groggy and he's behaving like a kid in assuming coz he's had to do something! He said the same again, stop having a go. I said well grow up. He said "if you say grow up once more I'm going to knock your face in", got up with dd and went towards the door, picking up a wet nappy and launching it at me full pelt hitting me in the face.

I felt humiliated and degraded. I went downstairs and told him to give dd to me. He told me to fuck off. I grabbed his face and he put dd down on couch and launched me on settee and put his hands tightly round my neck saying "you don't come down here and do that to me" I hit back.

Feeling fucking horrendous now. Like I'm some kind of abuser. Am upstairs with dd asleep on me. He came up got the duvet called me a piece of shit and went downstairs.

I can't believe I reacted like that. So ashamed of myself. :( thought I was bigger than that

OP - I've been in similar shoes to yours and I can promise you thing - the pain you feel when your children are asking about the time when you grabbed them and ran out of the door just to be safe/ the time when they couldn't cuddle you because your bruises hurt too much/ the time they were embarrassed when their friend asked why you had a split lip, hair missing and couldn't move your arm is unbelievable.

My ds is 23, we are 18 years out of that but he still remembers. If you can't find it in yourself to do it for you, do it for your children. Stay away from this man. Listen to the wise people on this thread.

Get the support you need and deserve. He is dangerous.

I lost it with my ex once and threw some household items at him (nothing heavy or sharp though!). It reinforced to me that I had to leave him because I didn't like the kind of person I was turning into.

All the angst about what you did and how you reacted is perhaps an unconscious displacement activity - if you are concentrating on your role, you do not have to this about his. About how vile and dangerous he is. This man did not do what he did because of anything you did. And his excuses about tiredness don't wash. Show me a parent of a baby who isn't tired - they don't all go round being violent.

Even when you mentioned the nappy he was threatening - saying you'd have "known it" if he'd thrown it full pelt. He's telling you what he can do and that this wasn't the worst by any means. You would know about it if he really went for you.

Can you live with this? I couldn't.

THINK about his. Sorry, too many words in my head!

It's not you.
It's not you.
It's not you.

It's him.

I would only add here, that the risks of assaulting perpetrators of FV include them making an allegation to the police and you ending up with a caution or worse.

It would be better to separate. If things have got to this stage, it doesn't look good.

Best of luck xx

I'm really struggling to understand the blame you're planning on yourself. Are you really so deluded that you think what you did was worse? Or has he done a number on you? Either way, forget what you did and focus on what he did.

You need to leave. Seriously. You are living with a violent man and you and your children are not safe. That's all there is to it.

Goodness, OP, what a horrific experience. No wonder you're shrinking it to something more manageable to think about, by focussing on your part in it.

You must feel totally overwhelmed, with everything else that's going on.

Try to reread Blu's post of 08:37:55 today, which she repeated later in the day.

Hope the nappy-flinging turns out to be your turning point.

OP, you have had some excellent advice here from people who have come through an abusive relationship.

I hope that you are safe with your friend tonight. You say that your own behaviour was not good but you were only standing up for yourself.

Please take advice and call Women's Aid and get away from this man before he hurts you or your DC.

I'm not blaming the tramadol for making me react the way I did. At all. That was all me. As If I didn't know what would happen! Of course he'd go mad. I'm flipping stupid

Will you PLEASE, PLEASE call Women's Aid before this man kills you and you go to your grave thinking it is all your fault for being so flipping stupid.

How can you accept so easily that he will hit you again, and all you are worried about is that you will hit him back?

He has terrified you so much you think it is all your fault, and that the only way to get through this is to take the pummeling.

I am sitting here crying for you.

This is not right.
You have to start thinking about ending it, leaving if that is what it takes, and saving the DCs as well.

0808 2000 247.

Leave a message for them.

Please ask your friend to take you to an A&E for an exam.

Social services are not going to get involved if you call police and report this.

PLEASE REPORT IT. What he did is incredibly serious.

Maybe it would help for you to remember the three Cs and repeat this to yourself:

'I didn't cause the violence'

'I can't control the violence'

'I can't cure the violence'

Please stop telling yourself the opposite.

'What if they take them off me coz I hit him'

This is not going to happen.

I don't want police involved.

In 2010, he thought I was seeing my ex. Ended up throwing me out of house and kicking me repeatedly in street and threatening me with a knife. Police got involved, I didn't press charges.

Fast forward a year and im 38 weeks pregnant with ds1 and social services tip up on my door warning me of his extremely violent past. My ds was on protection register for first 6 months if his life. hmm I hate even saying that. Feel like I've failed him in some way. I don't want to go down that road again, I just want him to leave

Stop thinking this will sort itself out by magic.

You are beaten down and bullied and treated like shit, but you still had the courage to go and make sure your baby was safe last night and you need more of that courage.

Get onto Women's Aid. Persist until you have got onto their books and have a counsellor helping you.

Social services will take that as a really, really important sign that you have decided to do your utmost for the children and they will support you in getting out of the hell you are living in and into a new and much better life.

You also need to report to the police, and you MUST, MUST, MUST be prepared to press charges this time. It is because you didn't press charges that they were worried before. And of course, because you are living with a monster.

Try to trust other people to help you out of this. Women's Aid are fantastic.

OP, I never bring this up on here as it outs me, but reading your posts is scary for me.

My best friend from school was murdered 10 years ago by her partner who had behaved in the past in a way much like your partner. She minimised his behaviour, thought she provoked him, even lashed out at him on one occasion.

He did it in front of her two year old daughter.

Please, please stop minimising what he has done.

Get yourself out, get your kids out. Phone the police.

Don't become another statistic

Why on earth was my post deleted...I was incredulous at quints HORRIBLE advice but didn't break any guidelines?!?

OP, please keep reading Blu's post. Gird your loins, hold your head up, pick up that phone and call Women's Aid, and the police . Get it started. There are two ways this can go.

1 you will get away and bring your children up happily and calmly, living a good life.

2 he will continue to abuse you, maybe kill you, and your children will grow up traumatised, distressed and distressing; daughters will probably end up like you and sons will probably end up like him.

Please go for 1.

Pick up that phone. Get yourselves out.

Dont minimise what happened.

Isnt his history of violence a big clue to who is the issue, if this violence continues, people will find out eventually, SS will be looking at you, because you have to keep them away from this environment, he wont ever stop or change, he'll just keep going and going, either with you or someone else.

You hit because your protective mode kicked in, we all have one somewhere.

You cant change him, but you can change yourself, look at why your defending him.

Gird your loins, hold your head up, pick up that phone and call Women's Aid, and the police . Get it started.

Echo that.

If you are worried by your own actions, and think you may get in trouble yourself, think of it this way: You were defending your dd. He had thrown a wet soggy nappy in your face, he was angry. He had left the bedroom and taken your baby downstairs. You were scared for her. The only thing in your mind was to get your baby and bring her to safety. You trying to get her escalated the abuse and you got further hurt. You thought things were better between you and that he was changing, but apparently not.

This is why it is imperative they help you. He will stop at nothing. He told you on the phone that he could have done worse to you. (please keep all text messages from him) You were ill, in pain, on medication, you ask him to help you, and it turned into a horrible episode of domestic violence.

Bear this in mind, you are not at fault here. You are probably feeling guilty as heck that you did not manage his behaviour on this occasion. You cannot keep managing his behaviour. It does not work. There will always be the one occasion where it does not work, however hard you try.
And as a mother, your first duty is to your children and to keep them safe. You can only do this by leaving him.

Just because he has sort of said sorry doesn't mean it wont happen again

alloverit the sad thing is that the situation is not so rare that it would neccessarily out you.....op women and children die at the hands of bullies like him too often...it's horribly predictable

Two every week.

Listen to math OP. Then read this thread : www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1847966-Dont-know-what-to-do-about-DC-contact-following-incident-with-ex

The OP was very nearly one of them, and you could have been the other. Think of your baby crying for a breast that's cold, think of your toddler seeing his mother blue and lifeless, and consider that they'll be in the presence of a murderer.

Police. Now.

OP...years ago I was involved in a case where a violent man, much like yours, killed a young mother in front of her small son. He was never the same, as you can imagine, and when he went to live with his grandmother could not bear for her to be out of his sight, as he thought she was dead if she was.
Please call womens aid. This Arsehole is pushing you into reacting as others have said. He does it deliberately. Yes, they can help it. They don't do it in public generally. Well, mine never did. His violence started before I was pregnant. I should have got out, but was told, and believed, that I had provoked him. I got pregnant shortly afterwards which made it more difficult to leave. 20 yrs later and we have been divorced a few months. Wish I had done it sooner. Don't waster your life as I did....