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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So shocked at my behaviour

269 replies

Cantbelievethisjusthappened · 09/09/2013 04:54

Can't believe what just happened....

Bit of background. Dp and I have been together for 4 years and have ds, nearly 2, and dd, 4 weeks.

I was in hospital lady Sunday in agony which has since been diagnosed as gallstones. Was sent home with anti sickness pills and tramadol. But was advised not to take tramadol when on my own with kids and to be careful with it as can have a knock out effect.

Been fine all week and then tonight, I have another attack. Projectile vomiting and lots of pain. Took a tramadol and anti sickness pill and all calmed down.

Woke at 3am by dd who needs feeding. Feel very groggy and struggle to keep my eyes open. Dd messing on boob, on and off, on and off. For an hour. Dp asks if there's anything he can do and I say no. Then I ask him to pass my pump and have baby whilst I express (only feed on one boob). We use a flashlight during night feeds etc and I had it on as normal. Dp covers dds face and i ask him what he's doing to which he replies huffily "it's in her eyes". It was pointing no where in her direction and I said that. I also pointed out that we use it every night so why he's making a big deal of it now I don't know. He replied again huffily saying "well it's in my eyes"

I said that daylight is brighter on his eyes and to grow up. He told me to stop having a go and I said that I was feeling shit and groggy and he's behaving like a kid in assuming coz he's had to do something! He said the same again, stop having a go. I said well grow up. He said "if you say grow up once more I'm going to knock your face in", got up with dd and went towards the door, picking up a wet nappy and launching it at me full pelt hitting me in the face.

I felt humiliated and degraded. I went downstairs and told him to give dd to me. He told me to fuck off. I grabbed his face and he put dd down on couch and launched me on settee and put his hands tightly round my neck saying "you don't come down here and do that to me" I hit back.

Feeling fucking horrendous now. Like I'm some kind of abuser. Am upstairs with dd asleep on me. He came up got the duvet called me a piece of shit and went downstairs.

I can't believe I reacted like that. So ashamed of myself. :( thought I was bigger than that

OP posts:
EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 09/09/2013 14:15

Well, you were doing both, to be honest. You started an argument over the torch, and asked him to grow up, because he did not like light shining in his eyes
OP clearly said he was being huffy and irritable to communicate that he resented having to help, not because he minded the light.
He asked you to stop having a go.
Why shouldn't she 'have a go' when she needs help and her 'partner' is being a childish twat?
He warned you he was nearing his limit
He threatened her with physical violence
he left the room, and he threw a nappy at you. (Not great)
Not great? Not fucking great? Foul, abusive and demeaning.
You followed him down after he had tried to remove himself from the situation
Because he took the baby and she felt uncomfortable with this after he was aggressive and threatened her
asking for the baby, making baby part of the argument.
See above
you grabbed his face, while he was holding the baby
I will agree with you on this, but op was in pain, sleep deprived, 4 weeks post partum and on serious medication. I am not surprised this happened.
He snaps and you become violent against eachother.
He said he wished she had broken her back. Do you think this is equivalent to what she did?

You know this mans violent history. Why keep arguing with him? Why not let him be? Why goad him and provoke him? What are you hoping to achieve?
So she should shut up and keep quiet so as to avoid provoking him? Are you for real?

In all honesty, you should not be with him in the first place, with such a track record
True
But you need to ask yourself why you are so argumentative and patronizing when you know what he is like, and with a young baby with you.
No she doesn't. It's not her responsibility to manage his aggression and abusive behaviour, even with a baby.

I only did that because I know quint is a regular poster and one who usually comes across as quite sane. Otherwise I'd have chalked that shite up to someone of the ilk of NotDead and the other trolls and handmaidens like him.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2013 14:26

Thanks for doing that, ehric

It's saved me a job

Fuckng hell, you live and learn on this board

KoalaFace · 09/09/2013 14:34

Sad at what Quint wrote. Didn't have them down as the type.

QuintessentialOldDear · 09/09/2013 14:34

No, she did not deserve it at all. And I am not excusing HIS behaviour.
But this woman is with a violent piece of shit, and has chosen to have children with him. I dont think she can expect any help from him. None what so ever.

The best she can help for is trying to modify her own behaviour to prevent physical violence, to keep herself and her kids safe. She is not doing that by antagonizing him, or grabbing his face.

That or leaving.

It takes a while for an abused woman to realize she has to leave a relationship and get the courage to do so, and not at least facilitate it.

Meanwhile, she must stay safe. She must keep her children safe.

Who started it matters little, if she is beaten the crap out of. And whether she deserved it or not, is not even part of the equation (she didnt, nobody ever deserves being beaten).

As long as she is choosing to stay with him, she has to stay safe, and keep her kids safe. And it is more likely that she achieves this by lying low.

Yes, we would all like to say "he should not treat you like this", "stand up to him", "dont be a doormat". But sometimes, the best I can say is "just you make sure you are not beaten up, ok?" Much as I hate to say it. Sad

AllThatGlistens · 09/09/2013 14:35

Quint wtaf??! Sad

ageofgrandillusion · 09/09/2013 14:41

You know this mans violent history. Why keep arguing with him? Why not let him be? Why goad him and provoke him? What are you hoping to achieve?
But you need to ask yourself why you are so argumentative and patronizing when you know what he is like, and with a young baby with you.
I actually agree with the above. Yes, this guy is a grade A wanker. But from a purely commonsense point of view the OP needs to stop trying to tackle him and remove her child from the situation. The child has to be the priority - the OP, whatever we may think, chose to be with this man despite his violent past. The child never had a say in this situation.

QuintessentialOldDear · 09/09/2013 14:48

You know this mans violent history. Why keep arguing with him? Why not let him be? Why goad him and provoke him? What are you hoping to achieve?

So she should shut up and keep quiet so as to avoid provoking him? Are you for real?

You seriously think an unwell new mother in a domestic violence situation should keep challenging her violent partner, with baby in arms?? Areyou for real?

LoisPuddingLane · 09/09/2013 14:48

QuintessentialOldDear, that might have been the current advice back in, say, the 1960s when there was no really any support network for women suffering DV. Although to be honest, if you live with a violent man you don't have to do anything to start them off, therefore making sure you don't get beaten up is a hard thing to do.

As to why the OP has shacked up with this guy and had kids - I suspect he wasn't like this with her at first. A lot of people when they fall in love either think "he won't be like that with me, he loves me" or they think "I love him, and will redeem him" or something along those lines. I suspect the violence came later.

KoalaFace · 09/09/2013 14:49

OP has already said that he hasn't been violent lately. And she said she hasn't allowed any situations to escalate even if she has been unhappy. She has been managing him Doing exactly what you are advising.

But last night OP was ill, exhausted and on very strong painkillers. She asked her DH for help and didn't manage him like she has been lately. She wasn't capable of it last night.

OP already knows how to minimise the chance of being attacked. But last night she didn't have the it in her.

dontwannasaywho · 09/09/2013 14:49

I've only read a wee bit of this thread so i don't know the whole story but have you tried Marriage Counselling or do you think you could encourage your partner to go to it?

Thumbwitch · 09/09/2013 14:51

Glad you clarified a bit more there, Quint. Your first post definitely looked more like victim blaming than the second - glad you were only trying to give the OP ideas on how to stay safe if she insists on staying with this violent thug - I was Shock at your first post as well, tbh.

LoisPuddingLane · 09/09/2013 14:52

I think you need to read it all, dontwannasaywho.

QuintessentialOldDear · 09/09/2013 14:53

Do you think violent men care we are not in the 1960s? Are you saying these days women have earned the right to stand up and challenge violent men?
Women should stand up and fight against their abusers and risk getting themselves seriously injured or killed?

Does anybody know how many women are killed by their partners in the UK every year?

dontwannasaywho · 09/09/2013 14:55

I don't know what his background is but he needs to learn this behaviour is wrong and Counselling could really help with that, there could be underlying issues for his behaviour that could be resolved with the right help.

But ultimately you have to put your kids and yourself safety first it's a tricky situation especially if you plan to stay with him. He really does need help by the sounds of his temper and it must be like walking on eggshells around him.

dontwannasaywho · 09/09/2013 14:56

I'm going to go read it all now as it sounds like theres more to it.

QuintessentialOldDear · 09/09/2013 14:56

Koalaface, it just proves he has not changed, he is still the same violent man. She needs to keep "managing him" (threading on eggshells) Or leave.

OP, I hope you manage to find help to get away.

LoisPuddingLane · 09/09/2013 14:57

You have misinterpreted my post. In the 60s there was nowhere to go; now there are refuges. Now, (most) police take DV seriously and have dedicated units. This simply didn't exist back then - I remember, because my mum had nowhere to go with me.

Nobody has suggested that the OP put herself at risk of being killed - hence all the advice to phone WA and the police and to get herself and the kids to safety.

LoisPuddingLane · 09/09/2013 14:58

Counselling could really help with that

He's already done a domestic violence course, apparently.

QuintessentialOldDear · 09/09/2013 14:58

Sorry Lois, I misunderstood.

LoopyLoopyLoopy · 09/09/2013 15:02

Marriage counselling? Seriously, that's the last thing they need. Do you really want to encourage this marriage to continue?

dontwannasaywho · 09/09/2013 15:05

I don't think that course is the be all and end all lois I mean 1 to 1 indepth counselling, because he really shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone till he sorts himself out.

fedupofpoo · 09/09/2013 15:05

I remember a post some time ago where the OP throw a piss soaked cloth in her DP's face.everyone said whatever,he should never react with violence.one more time minute shows how different men and women are treated on here.anyway,OP this relationship isn't healthy,he shouldn't have threatened you,even tho u were having a go at him alright.

LoisPuddingLane · 09/09/2013 15:06

I think shackling him to a wall by his testicles might be a nice idea, and less costly.

dontwannasaywho · 09/09/2013 15:07

loopy i havent read the whole thread yet, I'm going to now.

I'm not encouraging anyone to stay with someone like that, I said in my post in that situation you have to put your kids and your safety first.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 09/09/2013 15:21

Dontwannasaywho
Marriage counselling is never suitable where there is abuse. The abuser will use the sessions to perpetrate further abuse on the victim.

Quint - thanks for explaining what you meant. You still sound a little victim blaming (she knew what he was like but still had kids with him) but I accept you probably meant to try to get the OP to think about safety planning rather than blaming her for his abuse. It would be good for you to think about how you express yourself, because your original post was shockingly insensitive and crass.