So shocked at my behaviour

[Cantbelievethisjusthappened]

Can't believe what just happened....

Bit of background. Dp and I have been together for 4 years and have ds, nearly 2, and dd, 4 weeks.

I was in hospital lady Sunday in agony which has since been diagnosed as gallstones. Was sent home with anti sickness pills and tramadol. But was advised not to take tramadol when on my own with kids and to be careful with it as can have a knock out effect.

Been fine all week and then tonight, I have another attack. Projectile vomiting and lots of pain. Took a tramadol and anti sickness pill and all calmed down.

Woke at 3am by dd who needs feeding. Feel very groggy and struggle to keep my eyes open. Dd messing on boob, on and off, on and off. For an hour. Dp asks if there's anything he can do and I say no. Then I ask him to pass my pump and have baby whilst I express (only feed on one boob). We use a flashlight during night feeds etc and I had it on as normal. Dp covers dds face and i ask him what he's doing to which he replies huffily "it's in her eyes". It was pointing no where in her direction and I said that. I also pointed out that we use it every night so why he's making a big deal of it now I don't know. He replied again huffily saying "well it's in my eyes"

I said that daylight is brighter on his eyes and to grow up. He told me to stop having a go and I said that I was feeling shit and groggy and he's behaving like a kid in assuming coz he's had to do something! He said the same again, stop having a go. I said well grow up. He said "if you say grow up once more I'm going to knock your face in", got up with dd and went towards the door, picking up a wet nappy and launching it at me full pelt hitting me in the face.

I felt humiliated and degraded. I went downstairs and told him to give dd to me. He told me to fuck off. I grabbed his face and he put dd down on couch and launched me on settee and put his hands tightly round my neck saying "you don't come down here and do that to me" I hit back.

Feeling fucking horrendous now. Like I'm some kind of abuser. Am upstairs with dd asleep on me. He came up got the duvet called me a piece of shit and went downstairs.

I can't believe I reacted like that. So ashamed of myself. :( thought I was bigger than that

Where are you, op ?

OK OP this is all a bit overwhelming. And you hope that by apologising it will all be OK now.

Fair enough.

But in a quiet moment, when you are both getting on and there is no tension, can you draw a line?

Tell him that this is never, ever, ever to happen again no matter how riled he feels.

That if he does it again no matter how small, you will involve the police.

Please document this latest incident.

Good luck, OP. It is very hard to face the reality when you don't want that to be the reality.

I think this man is far past accepting OP's "line" tbh

These 'men' are not reasonable. You cannot reason with them. Whatever you think you have 'negotiated' will not happen, but for a long time, it seems they have taken it on board, because they give the outward appearance of doing so. I laid down ultimatums for a long time. Eventually, I just had to get out of the relationship. Handsome is as handsome does, not what he SAYS...

Agreed, you cannot reason with chaps like this. And an apology means next to nothing. There is absolutely no reason to believe he will not do it again. According to what you've told us he's been violent towards you twice - I suspect there are many more "lesser" incidences we don't know about. And when he's not being violent he keeps you in your place by saying things like you'd know if it if it was full pelt at you. He makes sure you know what he is capable of.

I can only say what everyone else has said and hope that you are still reading and will take this on board because from what I'm seeing, you haven't yet:

You did not cause him to be violent. He IS violent.

If you stay with him, he will hurt you again, probably worse.

If you stay with him, your children will grow up seeing this and never get over it.

Men like this cannot be changed, or softened, or reasoned with.

Please contact Women's Aid and the Police.

Do this if not for yourself, for your little children.

He will do it again. It will be worse. He's sort of say sorry. He will do it again. It will be worse. He will sort of say sorry. He will do it again. It will be worse. He will sort of say sorry.

Yada yada yada. I can c&p forever, but I won't because one day it will stop, but that will be the day you are found dead. Probably by one of your children.

Uhhmm...... you are not the abuser. Leave him.

My ex toed the line for a while each time I went back. Sometimes for 2 or 3 months. But it was always coming. It got worse each time too. Please stay away from him. Your children deserve to be safe as much as you. It is only a matter of time before they suffer from what's going on in that house.

Parsley I'm glad you're out, no matter how long it took. Live your life in peace and happiness - it is better than you ever thought possible.

I keep remembering that dreadful story where the woman had her eyes gouged out. One depressing aspect is that if the assault had been only a little less extreme, it wouldn't have been "news" and hardly anyone would even have heard about it.

He would see an ultimatum about calling the police as a dare and he would deliberately try you out to see how far back you would retreat from your ultimatum. He would see it as a sign of weakness on your part to try to make this sort of bargain, and he would be right actually. Don't do this.

Quietly keep your own counsel and work to get away, with the help of Women's Aid. And the police.

The fact he would not think you were with a friend but would suspect you were with another man speaks volumes. You have gallstones and a 4 week old newborn baby -- wtf would you be doing with another man??? This H of yours is a Cave Man.

This is a checklist from an article by Lundy Bancroft about assessing the dangerousness of an abuser. A given abuser doesn't have to show any particular number of these to be considered very dangerous:

Factors that should be taken particularly seriously include:

• The woman has a strong “gut” sense that the man could kill her or her children, or could carry out a serious and dangerous assault against any of them or against himself.
• He is extremely jealous and possessive. This characteristic becomes even more worrisome when he appears to be obsessive, constantly keeping her at the center of his thoughts and appearing to be unable to conceive of life without her. He has, for example, made statements such as, “If I can’t have you, nobody will.”
• He has a history of severe or very frequent violence toward her, or toward other individuals such as past partners.
• He follows her, monitors her whereabouts, uses high-tech means to keep tabs on her, or stalks her in other ways. He knows where she lives and works, knows names and addresses of her friend or relatives, or is in very familiar with her daily routines.
• She is taking steps to end the relationship, or has already done so.
• He was violent to her during a pregnancy.
• There are stepchildren involved.
• He has threatened to kill her or to hurt her severely, has strangled her, or has threatened her with a weapon (including making verbal reference to using a weapon, even if he did not actually brandish it)
• He has threatened to kill the children or the whole family.
• He has access to weapons and/or he is familiar with their use.
• He is depressed, suicidal, or shows signs of not caring what happens to him. He has, for example, threatened to kill himself if she leaves him.
• He is unemployed.
• He isn’t close to anyone, and no current relationships with friends or relatives are important to him.
• He has a significant criminal history and/or he has a history of using violence or threatening violence against other people.
• He abuses alcohol or drugs heavily, especially if his habits involve daily or nearly daily intoxication.
• He has been violent to children.
• He has killed or in other ways been violent to pets, or has used other terror tactics.
• He uses pornography heavily and/or has a history or perpetrating sexual violence or degradation against his partner or others.
• He has exhibited extreme behaviors when his current partner or past partners have made attempts to leave him.

I think you can check off several of those, Cant -- gain, you don't have to check off any particular number. All are equally bad signs.

And his so-called apology is actually another round of psychological war against you, Cant.

Agree with mathanx that these abusers see boundary-type discussions as you throwing down the gauntlet, and they feel obliged to challenge them. They pick out your weakest/most vulnerable points very early, and play on them.
Thanks Lazarus much happier out of it!

OP hope you are ok.

I'm worried the OP hasn't come back for a while.

So do I. Don't like this silence.

Op, I have been thinking of you all day. You are worth so much more than this. Your children deserve so much more than this. Please, please listen to all the wise words of experience here. Worried for you all.....

This thread is really quite scary

OP, please do not blame yourself for his actions. I hope you are with your friend and are ok.

There has been some excellent advice on here, please call women's aid for a chat. His behaviour won't stop, these leopards NEVER change their spots.

This is so grim .

Ok, I'm now officially scared.

Have been keeping a watch for activity on this thread

Does this often happen? An intense thread and then the OP doesn't come back?

Hope she's Ok

I think the nature of the thread has us all concerned Iwilldoit.
Either OP has returned to this man and has her head in the sand or he has hurt her.

Neither of those outcomes is good. I hope with all my heart I'm wrong and she's been tied up with her little ones and making plans to stay away for good though.

I sincerely hope she is ok.

Yes, it does happen often that a dramatic and scary thread just dies because the op disappears.

There are various reasons for that. Let's hope it's one of the better ones.