So shocked at my behaviour

[Cantbelievethisjusthappened]

Can't believe what just happened....

Bit of background. Dp and I have been together for 4 years and have ds, nearly 2, and dd, 4 weeks.

I was in hospital lady Sunday in agony which has since been diagnosed as gallstones. Was sent home with anti sickness pills and tramadol. But was advised not to take tramadol when on my own with kids and to be careful with it as can have a knock out effect.

Been fine all week and then tonight, I have another attack. Projectile vomiting and lots of pain. Took a tramadol and anti sickness pill and all calmed down.

Woke at 3am by dd who needs feeding. Feel very groggy and struggle to keep my eyes open. Dd messing on boob, on and off, on and off. For an hour. Dp asks if there's anything he can do and I say no. Then I ask him to pass my pump and have baby whilst I express (only feed on one boob). We use a flashlight during night feeds etc and I had it on as normal. Dp covers dds face and i ask him what he's doing to which he replies huffily "it's in her eyes". It was pointing no where in her direction and I said that. I also pointed out that we use it every night so why he's making a big deal of it now I don't know. He replied again huffily saying "well it's in my eyes"

I said that daylight is brighter on his eyes and to grow up. He told me to stop having a go and I said that I was feeling shit and groggy and he's behaving like a kid in assuming coz he's had to do something! He said the same again, stop having a go. I said well grow up. He said "if you say grow up once more I'm going to knock your face in", got up with dd and went towards the door, picking up a wet nappy and launching it at me full pelt hitting me in the face.

I felt humiliated and degraded. I went downstairs and told him to give dd to me. He told me to fuck off. I grabbed his face and he put dd down on couch and launched me on settee and put his hands tightly round my neck saying "you don't come down here and do that to me" I hit back.

Feeling fucking horrendous now. Like I'm some kind of abuser. Am upstairs with dd asleep on me. He came up got the duvet called me a piece of shit and went downstairs.

I can't believe I reacted like that. So ashamed of myself. :( thought I was bigger than that

[LilyBossom]

so you act in self defence but blame yourself?? Seriously, can't you see how wrong he is??

[HotCrossPun]

OP, lets just get this straight.

You: Told him to 'grow up'
He: Told you that if you said that one more time he said he would 'knock your face in.'

He: Got up with your DD to leave the room, and chucked a wet nappy with force at you in the face.
You: Went downstairs and told him to give you DD.

He: Told you to 'Fuck off'
You: Grabbed his face

He: Through you on to the settee and put his hands tightly around your neck.
You: Hit back.

You:Went upstairs with your DD, she was asleep on your chest.
He: Came upstairs and called you 'a piece of shit.'

You are at the end of your tether. There has been many court cases where victims of domestic and emotional abuse have fought back, causing actual harm to their abusers. In these cases the nature of the mitigating circumstances (the fact that they are worn down by abuse) means that they are cleared.

You put your hands around his face. Read everything he did and imagine you had done it to him. Imagine the roles were reversed. Would you still think that the person who had grabbed the other persons face was in the wrong?

[Cantbelievethisjusthappened]

I think I need a sleep. My head is a over the place. Need to get things sorted in it

[HotCrossPun]

OP, lets just get this straight.

You: Told him to 'grow up'
He: Told you that if you said that one more time he said he would 'knock your face in.'

He: Got up with your DD to leave the room, and chucked a wet nappy with force at you in the face.
You: Went downstairs and told him to give you DD.

He: Told you to 'Fuck off'
You: Grabbed his face

He: Through you on to the settee and put his hands tightly around your neck.
You: Hit back.

You:Went upstairs with your DD, she was asleep on your chest.
He: Came upstairs and called you 'a piece of shit.'

You are at the end of your tether. There has been many court cases where victims of domestic and emotional abuse have fought back, causing actual harm to their abusers. In these cases the nature of the mitigating circumstances (the fact that they are worn down by abuse) means that they are cleared.

You put your hands around his face. Read everything he did and imagine you had done it to him. Imagine the roles were reversed. Would you still think that the person who had grabbed the other persons face was in the wrong?

[LoisPuddingLane]

Right in front of me here I can see the words you wrote about having the nappy chucked in your face - I felt humiliated and degraded.

That is because what he did was humiliating and degrading. Any feelings you have subsequently had that you should have just "taken it" are not helpful or constructive. Trust your gut on this one - it was humiliating and degrading. I think most people would have struck out in anger at such a thing.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

The children may not notice yet but they will. When your eldest is old enough she/he will tell people and they will have had another 2-3 years of abuse.
Your arsehole partner has shown that he doesn't give a shit about abusing you in front of your children. Sure it's the first time but abuse is incremental - once one boundary has been broken the abuser will push it until they break the next one.

The reason the nappy made you feel furious is because it was disgusting. He did it to humiliate you and show you what he believes you are worth - urine in your face. That's so demeaning. And that's what he thinks about you. You are a mental case who shouldn't dare challenge him because to him you are nothing. He hates you. He despises you. You can't stay with him and you need help. Please call women's aid and the police today.

[eatriskier]

You shouldn't have grabbed his face but that doesn't excuse what he has done to you. You do not have to take behaviour like his at all, especially not to keep the peace.

[cosydressinggown]

OP please look at your little children and force yourself to imagine them a) witnessing him assaulting their mother, b) hearing their father call their mother 'a piece of shit' and say that he hopes her back is broken and c) getting hurt by their father themselves when they get old enough to say or do something he doesn't like.

If you don't call the police now and GET OUT NOW then you are failing your children. Bollocks to sleep and all the rest of it. Get your children out of that dangerous environment.

I know you are worried about social services, but believe me, if they find out that you have been allowing your children to live in a violent environment (and they will find out) then they will see YOU as part of the problem, because you are failing to protect them. If you call the police and get in touch of your own accord then they will only see him as the problem.

[AnyFucker]

OP, go get some sleep, love. You sound done in. Leave this thread alone for a little while, you are not obliged to respond to everything posted.

You need some RL perspective here, as well as all the great advice from MN'ers

Ring women's aid just for a chat when you feel more rested. See what they say, and take it from there

[Blu]

OP, please stop spending your time and energy picking over the details of what happened last night and focus on getting help and protecting yourself. Read my posts below. He will use your feelings of guilt and responsibility to stop you getting help. While you agonize like this it's working!

Look at the bigger picture and the future. He is dangerous. Police . Women's Aid. Today .

Sending you best wishes and strength .

[AmpullaOfVater]

"If I'd taken the nappy throwing and said and done nothing"

Are you serious? Your perspective is really skewed if you think this is something you should just take. Sure, it's better than being thrown on the couch so hard you get a back injury, but it is in NO WAY acceptable.

Once you've had a rest please get yourself somewhere safe. There were incidents of domestic violence in my early life and I promise you, it stays with you. Forever. It affects every relationship you ever have. Don't assign this fate to your children. Please.

[LoisPuddingLane]

it stays with you. Forever. It affects every relationship you ever have. Don't assign this fate to your children. Please.

Yes, it does. And this is why I've worded my responses to you a bit strongly. I still hate my (dead) father for what he did to my mother and my siblings. That hatred eats you up. I have not had a proper relationship in my whole life because of what I saw at very close quarters. Believe me, being small and seeing your mother trying to defend herself with a carving knife is utterly terrifiying.

[SunshineSuperNova]

OP I hope you get some rest.

Please, please call the police. You did not deserve what happened and you and your DC need to stay away from this man.

[OctopusPete8]

I think you reacted to physical abuse.

its not normal to be assualted physical and to just stand there and do nothing, you fight back its a reflex. I would leave.

[RhondaJean]

Op you may want to get one of your earlier posts amended I think you used names although noone else seems to have mentioned it.

Oh and listen to this lot they know what they're talking about.

[photoretoucher]

PLEASE call the police.
How do you know that a neighbour hasn't already done so?
It's awful that this has happened to you, however, you need to ensure the safety of your children.
You KNOW that this behaviour (of his) will only escalate.

[SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter]

OP you must be exhausted, I hope you can get some sleep. But then please call the the police and Womens' Aid, they will help you, I promise. And listen to Any Fucker, she is very wise!

[Jux]

Are you safe?

[QuintessentialOldDear]

"I wasn't antagonising him at all. Or patronising him."

Well, you were doing both, to be honest. You started an argument over the torch, and asked him to grow up, because he did not like light shining in his eyes. He asked you to stop having a go. You continued. He warned you he was nearing his limit, he left the room, and he threw a nappy at you. (Not great)
You followed him down after he had tried to remove himself from the situation, asking for the baby, making baby part of the argument. You grabbed his face, while he was holding the baby. He snaps and you become violent against eachother.

You know this mans violent history. Why keep arguing with him? Why not let him be? Why goad him and provoke him? What are you hoping to achieve?

In all honesty, you should not be with him in the first place, with such a track record. But you need to ask yourself why you are so argumentative and patronizing when you know what he is like, and with a young baby with you.

[LoisPuddingLane]

sigh

[somersethouse]

Bloody Hell, I thought Quint was a normal, intelligent person. Clearly not.