So shocked at my behaviour

[Cantbelievethisjusthappened]

Can't believe what just happened....

Bit of background. Dp and I have been together for 4 years and have ds, nearly 2, and dd, 4 weeks.

I was in hospital lady Sunday in agony which has since been diagnosed as gallstones. Was sent home with anti sickness pills and tramadol. But was advised not to take tramadol when on my own with kids and to be careful with it as can have a knock out effect.

Been fine all week and then tonight, I have another attack. Projectile vomiting and lots of pain. Took a tramadol and anti sickness pill and all calmed down.

Woke at 3am by dd who needs feeding. Feel very groggy and struggle to keep my eyes open. Dd messing on boob, on and off, on and off. For an hour. Dp asks if there's anything he can do and I say no. Then I ask him to pass my pump and have baby whilst I express (only feed on one boob). We use a flashlight during night feeds etc and I had it on as normal. Dp covers dds face and i ask him what he's doing to which he replies huffily "it's in her eyes". It was pointing no where in her direction and I said that. I also pointed out that we use it every night so why he's making a big deal of it now I don't know. He replied again huffily saying "well it's in my eyes"

I said that daylight is brighter on his eyes and to grow up. He told me to stop having a go and I said that I was feeling shit and groggy and he's behaving like a kid in assuming coz he's had to do something! He said the same again, stop having a go. I said well grow up. He said "if you say grow up once more I'm going to knock your face in", got up with dd and went towards the door, picking up a wet nappy and launching it at me full pelt hitting me in the face.

I felt humiliated and degraded. I went downstairs and told him to give dd to me. He told me to fuck off. I grabbed his face and he put dd down on couch and launched me on settee and put his hands tightly round my neck saying "you don't come down here and do that to me" I hit back.

Feeling fucking horrendous now. Like I'm some kind of abuser. Am upstairs with dd asleep on me. He came up got the duvet called me a piece of shit and went downstairs.

I can't believe I reacted like that. So ashamed of myself. :( thought I was bigger than that

[lazarusb]

Good luck OP and thanks for the update Blu. I know it isn't easy to leave and the self-blame. I know you can put up with it for years. But I do hope the OP finds a way to get out and protect herself and her children very soon. Again, we will be here for support any time she needs us.

[intheduskwiththelightbehindher]

Get out, or one day he will kill you and your child.

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Oh, that is good to hear, Blu. Awareness of the wrongness of the situation is a huge step in itself.

[marimeifod]

OP, we are thinking of you and wishing you well. Keep yourself and your babies safe and please let us know when you can where you are up to. We are here to support not judge x

[HotDogWater]

Good luck OP x

[Jux]

for you both, Cant and Blu.

[mathanxiety]

Thank you Blu.
If Cant is in touch, please tell her there are loads of people here wishing her the very best and hoping she will get all the help she needs to get the good life she deserves.

[dramajustfollowsme]

Hope you read this OP. I'm glad you are taking steps to get away from this man. You are very brave.
Thinking of you.

[skyeskyeskye]

Thanks Blu for the update. For some people it's not a simple matter of just leaving, but it sounds like OP is making progress.

Support will be here if/when OP returns.

[SunshineSuperNova]

Thanks Blu.

CantBelieve some for you xxx

[PrincessFlirtyPants]

Thank you for the update, Blu

It's good to know OP is ok.

[Blu]

Just to let everyone know that CantBelieve is OK for now, and has asked that everyone know that.

She has let me know that she does know that she can't stay, but for some good reasons involving waiting for some RL support (on it's way), she is taking steps one by one and not immediately. She has a clear perspective on her self preservation, but does not immediately feel strong enough to come back to this thread and face the frustration that may ensue!

Hopefully she will be able to rely on MN for pratical advice and ongoing support as she moves forward.

[tightfortime]

This one has been on my mind, sadly, all week.

OP, I really hope you are OK

[Jux]

Well said, Blu.

[Blu]

Many things are reposnsible for posters not returning to threads like this.
Flight, fear of posting history being discovered or lack of privacy to post, turning to RL support.

Also, I imagine it can feel very overwhelming when there is a long thread of posters being vehement. Of course each person is on the side of the poster, and it's natural for people to show thier impatience and urgency for the poster to take immeiate action. But the very nature of dokestic abuse makes it hard to take steps of self preservation. It takes time for people to gather the strength and clarity and address the practicalities of escape.

One of the DV support sites advises friends of abused women to listen and support but to beware of pressing them to act now etc.

Hard for all of us to refrain from that...I am guilty of the same....but I am sure it is a reason that sometimes threads like this get abandoned.

OP / all those in your situation - I hope you are well and OK, and will know that you can seek help and support as and when it is helpful.

[DropYourSword]

OP please let us know you are OK

[Jux]

Hoping very much that this is an unmentionable.

If not, well, hope she's Ok just busy.

[iWillDoItInAMinute]

Thanks lazarusb

She does have a very young baby and toddler, they do keep you busy at the best of times

[PedantMarina]

Or, and I'm loathe to say that which we're not supposed to say on a fred...

Sad to say, but I hope it's this, rather than Plan B.

[AnyFucker]

Yes, it does happen often that a dramatic and scary thread just dies because the op disappears.

There are various reasons for that. Let's hope it's one of the better ones.

[PrincessFlirtyPants]

I sincerely hope she is ok.

[lazarusb]

I think the nature of the thread has us all concerned Iwilldoit.
Either OP has returned to this man and has her head in the sand or he has hurt her.

Neither of those outcomes is good. I hope with all my heart I'm wrong and she's been tied up with her little ones and making plans to stay away for good though.

[iWillDoItInAMinute]

Have been keeping a watch for activity on this thread

Does this often happen? An intense thread and then the OP doesn't come back?

Hope she's Ok

[PedantMarina]

Ok, I'm now officially scared.

[Mixxy]

This is so grim .