So shocked at my behaviour

[Cantbelievethisjusthappened]

Can't believe what just happened....

Bit of background. Dp and I have been together for 4 years and have ds, nearly 2, and dd, 4 weeks.

I was in hospital lady Sunday in agony which has since been diagnosed as gallstones. Was sent home with anti sickness pills and tramadol. But was advised not to take tramadol when on my own with kids and to be careful with it as can have a knock out effect.

Been fine all week and then tonight, I have another attack. Projectile vomiting and lots of pain. Took a tramadol and anti sickness pill and all calmed down.

Woke at 3am by dd who needs feeding. Feel very groggy and struggle to keep my eyes open. Dd messing on boob, on and off, on and off. For an hour. Dp asks if there's anything he can do and I say no. Then I ask him to pass my pump and have baby whilst I express (only feed on one boob). We use a flashlight during night feeds etc and I had it on as normal. Dp covers dds face and i ask him what he's doing to which he replies huffily "it's in her eyes". It was pointing no where in her direction and I said that. I also pointed out that we use it every night so why he's making a big deal of it now I don't know. He replied again huffily saying "well it's in my eyes"

I said that daylight is brighter on his eyes and to grow up. He told me to stop having a go and I said that I was feeling shit and groggy and he's behaving like a kid in assuming coz he's had to do something! He said the same again, stop having a go. I said well grow up. He said "if you say grow up once more I'm going to knock your face in", got up with dd and went towards the door, picking up a wet nappy and launching it at me full pelt hitting me in the face.

I felt humiliated and degraded. I went downstairs and told him to give dd to me. He told me to fuck off. I grabbed his face and he put dd down on couch and launched me on settee and put his hands tightly round my neck saying "you don't come down here and do that to me" I hit back.

Feeling fucking horrendous now. Like I'm some kind of abuser. Am upstairs with dd asleep on me. He came up got the duvet called me a piece of shit and went downstairs.

I can't believe I reacted like that. So ashamed of myself. :( thought I was bigger than that

Ops apologies,misread the OP

Not had much sleep and feel horrendous. Had to take another tramadol following another episode of vomiting and intense pain. Poor dd was crying for a feed and all I could do was try and comfort her as she lay on bathroom floor whilst I was really sick. She's been feeding a lot today.....another gears spurt I guess.....so not slept much. Feel incredibly groggy and not with it fully.

I haven't done anything yet. I am going to speak with friend tonight when she's in to get some rl perspective. She is aware of past and knows him also. She is also aware that things have been fine for some time. She'll also "be there" with my next steps......maybe that's what I need, someone to hold my hand whilst I'm dealing with this.

He has called and acted as if nothing happened. I apologised for my reaction, said a flick had been switched with the nappy hitting me full pelt in face whilst I was expressing. He said it wasn't full pelt and I'd have known about it if it was. I said in any case, my reaction was wrong and no excuse.he apologised for throwing the nappy. Then tried to make light of it saying hell bear in mind that it really upset me for the future if I annoy him and I should be thankful it wasn't a shitty nappy. Said it wasn't funny, it's disgusting and I'm not joking about it.

He said he was tired and that's why he threw it and he shouldn't have.he said he hadn't meant to be Arsy whilst he had dd and I was expressing but he was tired. I didn't even go into how tired I was doing all night feeds since Dd born and I had asked him due to me feeling out of it with tramadol and dd not settling. It takes me 10 mins to express, I wasn't asking much.

He asked how my back was and apologised for hurting me saying he hadn't meant for it to happen. He pushed me by my throat knocking my feet for under me and I landed on side of sofa before landing on floor. I know that he had every intent of hurting me.

He also apologised for saying that he helped my back was broken saying he was tired and angry.

I've read what everyone has put and believe me, I don't normally stand up to him like I did last night. I can't explain what was going through my mind when I reacted like that. It was like a switch was flicked and I'm mortified that I behaved like that whether there was previous violence or not. There had been loads that could have provoked that reaction in me previous, I can't explain why it was the dirty nappy throwing that was the thing that triggered the reaction.

I wasn't intentionally trying to patronise him. But having done all the night feeds since dd was born, and given the reAson that I asked for help to get the huffiness as I was disturbing his sleep for 10 minutes wound me up. He's her parent too. Shouldn't have told him to grow up.....though I still believe he should!

He's asked whether i need him to take a couple of days off work (last attack lasted 2 days) I said no.

Not told him we won't be there when he gets home. I'll explain indeed space and time to think and proper support if I end up having to take another tramadol during the night.

OP, please do not take this on to yourself. You still seem to feel as if YOU should be apologising. We know why you reacted as you did, it is admirable that you are taking a 'zero tolerance' attitude to your own behaviour, but he is taking very little repsonsibility for HIS.

I am glad you will be getting some RL support. Does your friend know all the history - his criminal record, the previous attacks, the fact that SS are aware?

I should be apologising. I behaved wrong. I think I've scared myself a little with my reaction.

Yes she knows everything.

It is entirely human to react without thinking when you have been hit in the face.

I am very, very against violence and never, ever advocate it.

Just once though, in my younger days, I had a drink thrown in my face. I can't remember even how it happened, but apparently I moved so quickly to fly at this person and had landed several punches in her face before I was dragged off.

I have never reacted like that before or since, even with a similar level of verbal or physical provocation.

There is something about having your head/face violated that can provoke an uncharacteristic response.

So please, you have apologised. Now stop beating yourself up about it. He is more than capable of doing that for you, without you adding insult to your own injury.

For goodness sake op.
Please leave him.

He is dangerous. Really dangerous.

you are understandably struggling with how you reacted op.

surely it was the straw that broke the camels back, that made you flip.

Caused only by him.

I hope you get brave enough to end this relationship, before it gets worse. It's almost like a standard has been set now, it's out of hand. How can you go back to not rocking the boat after this.

Why would you want to.

Can't blame him for my reaction. It is me who controls them.....not him. I don't know why but I feel better that I've apologised to him, how mad is that! Dd asleep, going to grab a bath and try and spruce myself up a bit

And by the same token it is he that controls his violence towards you

Except his is premeditated and yours was a one-off explosion caused by being pushed too hard by him over a prolonged period of time. You would be exonerated in a court of law, if the whole story came out.

Anyfucker, why do you think you've never reacted like that since.

That's what I'm worried about. That I will react like that again in future.

I thought I wasn't like that, now it's happened once, what's to day it Won't happen again.

Awful feeling. Can't believe I did that. Even when he's been violent in past , I've just tried protecting myself as best as possible, never have I once reActed like that.

I think I have never reacted like that again because it is not who I am (this incident was nearly 30 years ago, btw). I have since had many situations, socially and as part of my job, where if reacting violently was in my character it would have outed itself again a long time ago

This man we are talking about here...violence is who he is

I don't think your uncharacteristic behaviour is who you are, or you would not be so mortified about it

That's it, in a nutshell

it reads that you are ashamed of your reaction. Fair enough, yet it is
a provoked, drip drip drip reaction op.

The only way you will react like that again is if you allow this relationship to carry on with this abusive man.

Like you said, you have control over that too.

yes was going to write, 'you're not being 'you'.

I don't usually post on these threads, but many years ago I left my extremely violent husband because my son (then aged 3) refused to eat his peas at dinner time. A fairly normal 3 year old food fad, but my ex-h slapped him for refusing to eat. Then slapped him again for crying.

I threw him out that evening (ex-h not son) I had been through some fairly horrific physical and emotional abuse by that point over the 7 years we had been married. Him slapping my little boy was my final straw. He could do whatever to me but he wasn't going to hurt my baby.

I think that the nappy was your final straw, it really can be something that in the grand scheme of your everyday life looks small.

I had tolerated all sorts, including him trying to kill me on one occasion, but something kicks in when you have had enough.

Please don't believe that you react like that again, you have turned a corner and the fact that you are feeling so much remorse shows that you are a good, caring person pushed to breaking point by her situation.

Look after yourself and your babies, they have an amazing strong mum.

Wise words from AnyFucker OP. If you were a violent person or there was a danger you would be violent again (bear in mind we are talking about grabbing somebodys face - not punching it) then you would have snapped long before now.

There aren't many people who could have put up with what you have without reacting.

Take care of yourself. Don't think you need to come back to this thread and respond to people/explain yourself. Just do what you need to do and we will be here if you need us.

I did hit him too tho. I actually cringe thinking about it.

This guilt you are punishing yourself with is going to keep you with him. Keep your kids in a dangerous and damaging situation.

Let it go, and use the mental energy you are currently expending on it to plan a future without him in it.

I do understand what Quint was trying to say, but it was said very badly. I knew exactly how to walk on eggshells with my ex. I knew how to sidestep an argument, how not to provoke him, how to keep myself "safe"

But of course I wasn't keeping myself safe. I was just existing, not living, not even surviving very well.

The safest thing I could have done was to get the fuck out.
I remember how it felt to be in your shoes OP, thinking that you were being true to yourself by apologising. It's important to do that, isn't it? And important to tell them when they have done wrong.
And they say sorry, and it calms down. For a while.

He has serious form for this. AND he's done the DV course. Fucking hell. I pray you have the strength to get out and stay out.

OP- there is NO match between your title and what happened , please get somewhere safe -HIS behaviour is at fault, not yours. He is abusive .

Look. Stop it. You had a violent reaction, yes.

That's NOTHING compared to what he did, does, and will do again if you stay with him.

And you have a choice to stay with this scumbag if you feel like it for whatever reason. Your children don't. Please don't subject them to a childhood of terror and mistreatment (because that is exactly what they are going to get) by staying with this excuse for a man.

And if you are worried about the time your children will spend with their father on their own, let's cross that bridge when you get to it. For the time being, the urgent thing is for you to get OUT.

OP, it is a bad feeling when you lose it and lash out.

I have done it.

Morally, you know it isn't right, and you have apologised, so leave it now.

And read this again, slowly:

^Really sorry, OP, this is all horrible for you.

As far as I can see, you have no option to call the police, and this is why:

1. Your DC was on the 'at risk' register - SS are looking to YOU to make sure that you are all safe from harm within the household. If you reort him for being violence that IS you protecting you and your DC - NOT reporting him is leaving them at risk.

1. I agree, it wasn't self defence, under provocation you hit back. He is now doing his best to use that against you and to make you feel guilty and responsible EXACTLY TO PREVENT YOU FROM GOING TO THE POLICE OR SS. He knows he overstepped the mark and that he is vulnerable becaue of his record - he is now trying to protect himself and put the blame on you, to make you feel exactly as you do. Do not fall for this. He threw a heavy object in your face, he threw you on the sofa, he has a known and consistent record of violence.

1. He now knows that under provocation he can get you to hit back. This is v dangerous for you - he will provoke you again, you will feel ever more guilty (he will make sure of that) and he will batter you to bits. And you will feel even more scared to get help because of not being seen to protect your kids.

1. He is clearly dangerous and violent. You need police protection to get an injunction against him, to get your name on the emergency DV number, or to protect you in whatever way you decide to get him out of your life.

Look at these facts:
He initiated the violence, you did not. You feel bad about hitting back, he does not feel bad for attacking an ill post-partum woman. You are taking responsibility for your actions in hitting back, he is trying to blame YOU. He has issued ongoing violent threats to you(9in itself a serious matter) you have not threatened him.

Seriously, this is the moment to tell the police and seek HELP from Women's Aid and SS. Yes, SS will be involved, but they certainly will not take your DC away if you have contacted them as part of getting away from this very violent and dangerous man. They will HELP you. After all, they came to warn you about him before - they wanted you to be safe!

However if you stay, the violence will escalate, someone else will call the police and then SS may take a different view about how best to protect the kids.

Please call the police.^

I really understand that it feels like a huge step, and agree that some RL support will be an excellent thing. You cannot live like this. He threw a nappy in your face and put his hands round your neck and threw you on the sofa. He is tryting to minimise the story of what he did, while you are apologising! Get help, let your friend support you and make yourself safe. This means getting the police to protect you or finding a way to leave.

Good luck and I hope the meeting up with your friend is helpful.

Take care, XXX

You grabbed his face and were rude to him after the appalling thing of having a pissy nappy thrown in your face, and then violence, threats and insults, and you feel guilty. Yet, after all he did to you,and has done before, you seem to accept his not showing real remorse. How come you are more upset with yourself than with him?!

You say you are responsible for your own feelings and reactions - and yet you accept him not being responsible for his, and even as you say he's not responsible for yours, you describe being responsible for his.

You worry that you are an abuser because you had a pretty understandable reaction to something gross and demeaning, all whilst ill, in pain, and on a very powerful, character-affecting drug. Yet you accept his behaviour towards you, even though he has been done for abusing you, had to do an abuser's programme, has abused all his exes, social services were worried about your Dc because of him, etc.

You are worrying about, and blaming, and labelling the wrong person here. I know it's no doubt easier to focus the blame and guilt on yourself than to face the truth, but WAKE UP. He is an appalling, serial abuser. He will not only break you, possibly literally, but he will emotionally damage your Dc for life. HE is the abuser, the problem, not you.

Btw, the reason why your Dd will be feeding loads today will be for security, after the stress of last night and feeding off your emotions. If you think that being involved last night won't have affected here just because she is a baby, you are deluding yourself. Less than a year old, and she is present at her mother being violently and verbally abused. If you can't love yourself enough to leave this abuse, surely you love them enough to? They don't deserve to be ruined by this bastard justbecause you'd rather delude yourself that the problem is you, or that his problems aren't that bad.

When you apologized for your reaction to the nappy being thrown "full pelt" in tour face, he told you, "it wasn't full force, or you'd have known it".

Maybe he throws like a girl.
Maybe he doesn't know what an apology is.
Maybe he doesn't knownhow lucky he is not to be sitting in a cell right now.

But one thing he does know, is he has got you reeling.

Ring that friend of yours really soon, OP. And stop feeling guilty and get out.

I thought Op had gone to her friend's house. Is that not the case ? At the moment, I think she is out of the house. My worry, Op, is that you will go back...if not this evening, very soon.

You really shouldn't.

Don't blame yourself, OP.

You reacted in a way that any regular person would. It wasn't like you hit him first.

I know it's not ideal when you know that person is violent, but eventually you see red yourself after someone treating you appallingly for a long time. Plus you were ill and looking after a young baby - I am sure I have lost my temper for far less.

Please do leave him.

He's harmed grown men and he's harmed women he is with what is to say he wont flip on one of his children one day?

Even if he doesn't, do you want your children to grown up thinking that behaviour is OK? I know you think your son wont notice but trust me domestic violence is rarely quiet - he will know and it will traumatise him. It's not your fault, but you are only in control of how you behave, you can't control his behaviour.

I hope you seriously think about going back to your parents, sisters or staying at a close friends for a while and then venturing on a life on your own without him. He can see the children in a contact centre and you wont even have to see him.

Hoping you find the strength to cut him out of your life.