So shocked at my behaviour

[Cantbelievethisjusthappened]

Can't believe what just happened....

Bit of background. Dp and I have been together for 4 years and have ds, nearly 2, and dd, 4 weeks.

I was in hospital lady Sunday in agony which has since been diagnosed as gallstones. Was sent home with anti sickness pills and tramadol. But was advised not to take tramadol when on my own with kids and to be careful with it as can have a knock out effect.

Been fine all week and then tonight, I have another attack. Projectile vomiting and lots of pain. Took a tramadol and anti sickness pill and all calmed down.

Woke at 3am by dd who needs feeding. Feel very groggy and struggle to keep my eyes open. Dd messing on boob, on and off, on and off. For an hour. Dp asks if there's anything he can do and I say no. Then I ask him to pass my pump and have baby whilst I express (only feed on one boob). We use a flashlight during night feeds etc and I had it on as normal. Dp covers dds face and i ask him what he's doing to which he replies huffily "it's in her eyes". It was pointing no where in her direction and I said that. I also pointed out that we use it every night so why he's making a big deal of it now I don't know. He replied again huffily saying "well it's in my eyes"

I said that daylight is brighter on his eyes and to grow up. He told me to stop having a go and I said that I was feeling shit and groggy and he's behaving like a kid in assuming coz he's had to do something! He said the same again, stop having a go. I said well grow up. He said "if you say grow up once more I'm going to knock your face in", got up with dd and went towards the door, picking up a wet nappy and launching it at me full pelt hitting me in the face.

I felt humiliated and degraded. I went downstairs and told him to give dd to me. He told me to fuck off. I grabbed his face and he put dd down on couch and launched me on settee and put his hands tightly round my neck saying "you don't come down here and do that to me" I hit back.

Feeling fucking horrendous now. Like I'm some kind of abuser. Am upstairs with dd asleep on me. He came up got the duvet called me a piece of shit and went downstairs.

I can't believe I reacted like that. So ashamed of myself. :( thought I was bigger than that

OP, early this morning you said My back is fine, suspect there will be a bruise but nothing major and that really worries me. Because already you are minimising and normalising what happened by shrugging off the injuries.

I'll say it again, next time he could kill you. Get out, get yourself and the children to safety. If you do not, it WILL happen again.

'Now I'm thinking I just shouldn't have said anything at all. That I should allow him to be in a mood and come out with stupid comments when Ive been up with dd an hour'

'Have re read my texts and accept I should have just apologised for my behaviour and mentioned nothing else in case it upset him further'

What???????? So that he can continue being an abusive bastard?? You do realise that once your kids are old enough to really challenge him he will start on them right?? That you will have to see your children physically and emotionally battered until they become as cowed and lacking in self esteem as you obviously have?? NO NO NO! He should NOT have sworn at you, have thrown a dirty nappy in your face, strangled you....let alone the kicking you in the street and battering two other women previously.

This man does not love you....he hates you, and he's just looking for excuses to express it. He will ruin your life, and that of your children unless you get away....worse still your kids will grow up thinking this is normal....which means your son could become abusive to his girlfriends and your little girl think its normal for her boyfriends to be controlling and smack her about if she steps out of line.

This is NOT A NORMAL ACCEPTABLE DOMESTIC SETUP. MEN DO NOT ROUTINELY ABUSE THEIR PARTNERS LIKE THIS. Dh has never ever thrown anything at me, or laid a finger on me in anger, because he knows thats morally wrong, because he could never treat any human being oike that, he wants to protect me not abuse me, and because he knows damn well it would land him in a prison cell and end our marriage. Most of us live being able to answer back to our husband and put them straight if they are being out of order, which you H clearly, clearly was from the offset.

Call the police. Get this man arrested and get your children out of harms way.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but I've seen so much of this on MN and in RL and if you don't leave NOW then not seeing your kids at the weekend will be the very least of your worries.

If you go back to him now and apologise you are basically telling him its ok to be violent towards you, you will be giving him permission to beat you up and verbally abuse you. PLEASE see that? And please get help to leave, you are worth so, so much more than this.

And notdead..... He isn't sorry is he. The first text he sent said how date Ido that to him, called me a mental case, said I was off my head.....and then ends it saying no more texts. And I'm antagonising him by responding? If the shoe was on the other foot and I'd thrown a nappy at him in any situation I'd be in hospital.

That aside, I haven't come on here acting innocent as you say. I'm disgusted with myself Nd my reaction and I know that I absolutely shouldn't have reacted like that. Especially with dc at home.

Believe me I know im not innocent on all this but the way you're playing out the scenario as my dp lovingly helping and me not accepting isn't how it was He was in an arse.

Notdead does have a point tho. I shouldn't have reacted like that. I'm going to apologise for that. I can't not, was out of order Nd it's as only gonna end nastily by reacting in this way

As I said, I grew up in a house like this. From when I was 7, for a period of at least 10 years, my father beat my mother up several times a week. She was not a perfect wife and mother, but nobody deserves that treatment. The result is that I am basically dysfunctional when it comes to men and relationships.

This is what will happen to your children if you stay. My mother had nowhere to go as refuges didn't exist then. You have a choice. Your children don't - so please make a wise choice for them.

op you didn't like the way you responded, that's fine, you have accepted that.
your partner has form, don't forget that.

his ex's are ex's for one reason, HIM --being the common abusive denominator.
He was in a shit, you were in a shit.

You have gallstones, tired, frantic with feeding baby.

He got his sleep disturbed.

He can pass the buck all he likes, please remember the things you have told us about him hurting you physically in the past.

Don't be scared of him or his family anymore op. He is the weak one here, not you. Don't back away from the guts of this problem -HIM.

Notdead's agenda was quite clear in the first part of his first post on this thread when he said this violent man had been "emasculated" and it was
all OP's fault that he reacted the way he did

And for the love of all things holy, please stop thinking you should apologise and appease this man. Apologising to him is not going to change the situation, and it's a waste of your energies.

Why are you not hearing what everyone is saying? For the sake of your two vulnerable children and for the sake of your own life, you need to get out.

Do you remember how shocked the ENTIRE WORLD was at the photographs of Charles Saatchi gripping Nigella Lawson by the throat? That is the normal reaction to this sort of behaviour. Nigella had the good sense to dump that chump.

OP, stop blaming yourself for god sake.

Don't apologise to him. All his behaviour is geared to make you feel guilt and shame. Stop focusing on him and start focusing on yourself and your children.

Why are you listening to the one poster who has said that you are to blame? It's because you have been conditioned to feel like everything is your fault.

Have you phoned any of the helplines yet?

No I haven't yet. Tried sleeping but dd feeding like I tomorrow. I feel ready to drop, i need rest before I speak to anyone.

OK, rest. And then phone. Please. Please. Please.

Please call the police. Yes, you shouldn't have behaved how you did but then you don't usually take tramadol - not that its an excuse but if this behaviour isn't normal for you don't let him make you feel like the abuser. He never should have thrown the nappy - a full wet nappy is equivalent to spitting in my opinion, even if the neck grab was 'him re-retaliating', he has abused you again this morning.

If you stay there and SS found out there would be more trouble than if you called the police now, explained everything and SS discover you are trying to remove them from a volatile situation. SS will like that and help.

Please protect yourself and your kids.

I'm not blaming the tramadol for making me react the way I did. At all. That was all me. As If I didn't know what would happen! Of course he'd go mad. I'm flipping stupid

He isn't sorry. He won't ever be sorry. He won't change. Look after yourself and your kids. Normal relationships DON'T include violence. My DH would never dream of even threatening me with violence let alone laying a finger on me. Please please please get out of this situation. Stop blaming yourself...you will never ever be able to avoid this by treading on eggshells. DON'T bring your children up thinking this before it's acceptable.

Will you stop blaming yourself and stop insulting yourself? Nobody should "expect" that an argument will end in violence. Nobody should think "oh if I had just done that thing or this thing it would have ended differently". You are dealing with a man who resolves things by hitting, punching, kicking. There is no reasoning with someone like that.

It is not your fault. It is NOT your fault.

I've never said this before, but you need to leave this violent and very dangerous man. His first wife, second wife and social services have all given you warnings. You need to make steps to protect yourself and your children RIGHT NOW.

Please do it. Get help.

Please stop blaming yourself - I agree he is very dangerous and scary. He won't stop ever - will just get progressively worse. If a stranger in the street had done what he did would you find that acceptable? I doubt it - so why is his behaviour something you are minimising and blaming on yourself.

You need to find your self esteem from somewhere and you need to protect your children. Does he have children with his exes, does he see them? I would think with his history the only contact he will have with your children will be in a contact centre, but I doubt he would bother pursuing that avenue anyway?

It is tho.......if I hadn't have grabbed his face that would have been it. If I'd have taken the nappy throwi g and said n done nothing, none of this would have happened. My back is bruised, just checked. Unfortunately for him not broken

Don't leave your DS with him while you stay with a friend. Get your kids out. Grab papers, passports, birth certificates and back stuff. Leave. Now.

Bank

Whatever you did, does not excuse his behavior. IT'S NOT right if him to do this to you. It's NOT YOUR FAULT.

He's got 2 elder children (20s) with xw1, no kids with xw2, a young child with xp3 and then 2 with me. He has contact with all kids

If I'd taken the nappy throwing and said and done nothing

Words fail me. How can you thing that is reasonable? How can you think that because you didn't "take it", that the ensuing violence is your fault? I'm sorry OP but have a fucking word with yourself. By blaming yourself and your "not taking it" you are walking into a future of violence, pain and quite possibly serious injury or death. How many times but we all say this to you before you shake yourself out of BLAMING yourself?

I find it really ard listening to you normalise and justify his behaviour. You need to sleep then call 101 and report this, it needs to be logged, you need to protect yourself and your children need protecting too. I know you're worried about SS but they'll be more concerned if you don't report this incident - how do you know someone (neighbours?) didnt overhear and put a call in?

He sounds a first class knob jockey. You're well rid, men like this don't change.

Whatever he did doesnt ex user behaviour.....which is what made things escalate so badly