So shocked at my behaviour

[Cantbelievethisjusthappened]

Can't believe what just happened....

Bit of background. Dp and I have been together for 4 years and have ds, nearly 2, and dd, 4 weeks.

I was in hospital lady Sunday in agony which has since been diagnosed as gallstones. Was sent home with anti sickness pills and tramadol. But was advised not to take tramadol when on my own with kids and to be careful with it as can have a knock out effect.

Been fine all week and then tonight, I have another attack. Projectile vomiting and lots of pain. Took a tramadol and anti sickness pill and all calmed down.

Woke at 3am by dd who needs feeding. Feel very groggy and struggle to keep my eyes open. Dd messing on boob, on and off, on and off. For an hour. Dp asks if there's anything he can do and I say no. Then I ask him to pass my pump and have baby whilst I express (only feed on one boob). We use a flashlight during night feeds etc and I had it on as normal. Dp covers dds face and i ask him what he's doing to which he replies huffily "it's in her eyes". It was pointing no where in her direction and I said that. I also pointed out that we use it every night so why he's making a big deal of it now I don't know. He replied again huffily saying "well it's in my eyes"

I said that daylight is brighter on his eyes and to grow up. He told me to stop having a go and I said that I was feeling shit and groggy and he's behaving like a kid in assuming coz he's had to do something! He said the same again, stop having a go. I said well grow up. He said "if you say grow up once more I'm going to knock your face in", got up with dd and went towards the door, picking up a wet nappy and launching it at me full pelt hitting me in the face.

I felt humiliated and degraded. I went downstairs and told him to give dd to me. He told me to fuck off. I grabbed his face and he put dd down on couch and launched me on settee and put his hands tightly round my neck saying "you don't come down here and do that to me" I hit back.

Feeling fucking horrendous now. Like I'm some kind of abuser. Am upstairs with dd asleep on me. He came up got the duvet called me a piece of shit and went downstairs.

I can't believe I reacted like that. So ashamed of myself. :( thought I was bigger than that

[Tortington]

i would imagine so in the first instance - think of it from their point of view, you keep staying with a man who does things like kick the shit out of you and threaten you with a knife.

once they are satisfied that you aren't going to have him back they will leave you alone.

tbh, you are concentrating on the wrong thing. whether Ss get involved or not is not the issue at all.

think of the future, you are talking access issues, financial issues all have to be resolved, this could get messy and give him access to you and your children, report to police and this record will help you.

[Hissy]

Violence often starts when PG or a new mum.

You know he's got bad form, you know he's been 'done' for it. (have you any idea how hard it is to secure a DV prosecution?) he's been violent with you before by the sounds of it too.

Love, this man is seriously dangerous.

This man is a total write off.

Please go to the police and ask for advice today, if nothing else. They have a DV team, they can help you stay safe if you let them.

Do you know that if violence is involved, there is a possibility that you can get an occupation order, and they MAKE him leave!

Whatever happens, you need this on record, as it'll help you get help and stay safe. It'll help put structures in place to ensure your child is kept safe too.

If you don't speak up, how can anyone know that the help is needed?

You can do this on your own, but given his violence, the extreme nature of it, I wouldn't advise it. As he's got form, they'll believe you over him every time!

Not that you aren't to be believed, of course! Just that you don't seem to believe yourself atm.

We believe you. Let people help you get away from this dreadful man.

[Cantbelievethisjusthappened]

He'd still have access to the kids. I asked ss that last time they were involved. I hate that :(

My ds is very mummy orientated and it will break my heart being away from him all weekend.

What would happen with dd as I'm breastfeeding? Surely he wouldn't have her overnight now?? How old is it usually?

This is going to be hard.

I'm going to have some sleep now tho as been up since 3am and not thinking straight at all

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

Sweetheart your older child is 4? So going to school soon, verbal, able to tell teachers about what daddy does to mummy. You can't keep this a secret. It will cow out, sooner or later, and social services will get involved. With a history of child protection proceedings and with the information they have about this man they will be concerned.

And here's a harsh truth that I'm saying not to upset you, but to make it real - they are right to be concerned. Your children are at risk. Their father is dangerous to them, to their physical and mental well being. There is a child protection concern here. Hiding this from social services makes you complicit with the harm that is being caused.

So please put aside your fear of social services and do the right thing for you and your children. Your children will not be taken from you. The police and social services can be your allies in this if you let them.

[Cantbelievethisjusthappened]

When I say he's been done......she didn't press charges. I'm not sure why it's on his record. May e the police read everything out that they have been involved with.

There was that on his record, and the incident involving me. I didn't press charges, but the police did as he admitted everything. He was in probation for 2 years.

The rest on his record is fighting with males. He went to prison once for it when young. And thieving.

[whattodoo]

The police (and SS if necessary) will be steps to help you get away from this abusive man.
You need all the help you can get to make sure you and DC are safe.

[Cantbelievethisjusthappened]

Eldest is nearly 2......and he hasn't seen or heard anything untoward. Things had been good for such a long time bar the odd row - but not unhealthy rows.

And then this...... Just so sad its happened. Wish I'd ignored it so There was No violence. So that it was "just a nappy thrown". Am not sure how that makes things better but really upset with how I reacted.

[rootypig]

I daresay they might. But I think you have to stop seeing social services as something to be blocked, and as a support who can help your DC and you get out of this awful situation and make a better life for yourself.

You're right to be shocked at your behaviour, you are now BOTH out of control and you absolutely have to leave. It doesn't sound like your DD is safe.

Well done for leaving the house for your friend's. Now for god's sake, call the police and have him done for assault, and don't ever go back.

[FannyFifer]

Surely he must have been charged and more to it if SS put your child on the child protection order for 6 months.

Please contact the police.

[Cantbelievethisjusthappened]

No he wasn't charged with previous debut the police had on their record that they had been called and he'd been removed from house for pushing ex dw2 with significant force in chest.

There was lots on his record.......lots! But apart from 2 incidents no other dv on record

[Mixxy]

All the women he has abused have refused to press charges. End that today.

You cannot live your life living on eggshells, hoping to avoid saying or doing something that sets him off.

SS may well be involved. Better them removing him from the house than SS suspecting your complicity in the violence.

[NeedlesCuties]

A breastfed child will not be taken away from its mum for visits - sure I even managed to avoid doing Jury Service because I was still breastfeeding my 8 month old She is your baby, and if she needs your milk then no judge will make you stop.

As for your 2 yr old, please don't leap ahead in your mind now to worrying about overnights/weekend access your soon-to-be-ex might have. If he's a threat to them then the judge won't grant any unsupervised visits, and even getting to the stage of court and sorting out visits might take months and months.

Focus on the right now - getting out and getting safe. You seem like you have your head screwed on right, just keep your focus clear.

[Mixxy]

But apart from 2 incidents no other dv on record.

Two is two too many. And its not normal.

[Cantbelievethisjusthappened]

Will they not suggest that she stays with him and I express milk for the visits? She's so tiny and I wouldnt know if he's behaving like a shit with someone else.

I think I'd pick up from ds if anything were amiss at visits.

Lots to think about, head is banging. Going to sleep whilst baby is asleep, I'm exhausted.

Never taking tramadol again, it completely wiped me out, could barely keep eyes open whilst feeding dd. and I was stupid to think id get support from him. Well support with stupid comments and Arsy manner I suppose.

[KoalaFace]

Is he out of the house for the day now? What time are you going to your friends?

Hopefully once you're out the house and out of immediate danger you'll feel strong enough to call the police to ensure the safety of you and your DC.

I promise I'm not saying this to scare you. Please don't downplay the seriousness of his behaviour. It only takes once for him to hit you harder than he meant to or have you hit your head on something as you fall from him shoving you and your DC could be without their mummy forever.

You sound like a lovely mum. I think you'll do whatever it takes to ensure yours and your DCs safety. Women's Aid are brilliant for support and advice if you could call them.

[AnotherStitchInTime]

Can't he has previous for this on his record, the Police will believe you.

Abuse often ramps up when they know that the victim is at their most vulnerable. Your children may end up witnessing worse or you may end up in hospital unable to be with them.

SS would contact you to check all is ok, but would not have long term involvement if you have taken steps to remove him from your life. The reason they were around so long before is because he has previous and you stayed with him.

Contact Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 to get some support. They can get you access to a solicitor to get a restraining order and to help you gain possession of the property or they can help you find alternative accommodation.

Equally if you have had to flee your home because of Domestic Violence the local council have a duty of care to you and your children under the Housing Act. They would place you in temporary accommodation if you could not get him removed immediately from the property or if you would be too at risk returning there. They can help you without a Police report, but with a Police report (crime number from your statement) everything will happen much more smoothly.

Please speak to Women's Aid, they can take a while to get through to, but keep trying. They will support you whatever you decide.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

OP. It would not have stopped with him throwing a nappy. These Arseholes are waiting to abuse you, and to escalate it. Save yourself, and your kids.

[fuzzywuzzy]

If he has a record of abuse towards you in the presence of the children that's considered pretty serious.

He'd get contact at a contact centre every other weekend for a couple of hours.
If that went well he'd get unsupervised contact. It doesn't take much for contact to be considered to be going well.

Does he have children from his previous marriages?

I'd report him to the police and LTB, I'd refuse unsupervised contact until he's successfully competed a domestic violence intervention programme.

[Cantbelievethisjusthappened]

This is first time it's happened whilst kids in house. Ds was in bed.

He's already done the dv course as part of his probation last time

[Blu]

Really sorry, OP, this is all horrible for you.

As far as I can see, you have no option to call the police, and this is why:

1. Your DC was on the 'at risk' register - SS are looking to YOU to make sure that you are all safe from harm within the household. If you reort him for being violence that IS you protecting you and your DC - NOT reporting him is leaving them at risk.
   

1. I agree, it wasn't self defence, under provocation you hit back. He is now doing his best to use that against you and to make you feel guilty and responsible EXACTLY TO PREVENT YOU FROM GOING TO THE POLICE OR SS. He knows he overstepped the mark and that he is vulnerable becaue of his record - he is now trying to protect himself and put the blame on you, to make you feel exactly as you do. Do not fall for this. He threw a heavy object in your face, he threw you on the sofa, he has a known and consistent record of violence.
   

1. He now knows that under provocation he can get you to hit back. This is v dangerous for you - he will provoke you again, you will feel ever more guilty (he will make sure of that) and he will batter you to bits. And you will feel even more scared to get help because of not being seen to protect your kids.
   

1. He is clearly dangerous and violent. You need police protection to get an injunction against him, to get your name on the emergency DV number, or to protect you in whatever way you decide to get him out of your life.
   

Look at these facts:
He initiated the violence, you did not. You feel bad about hitting back, he does not feel bad for attacking an ill post-partum woman. You are taking responsibility for your actions in hitting back, he is trying to blame YOU. He has issued ongoing violent threats to you(9in itself a serious matter) you have not threatened him.

Seriously, this is the moment to tell the police and seek HELP from Women's Aid and SS. Yes, SS will be involved, but they certainly will not take your DC away if you have contacted them as part of getting away from this very violent and dangerous man. They will HELP you. After all, they came to warn you about him before - they wanted you to be safe!

However if you stay, the violence will escalate, someone else will call the police and then SS may take a different view about how best to protect the kids.

Please call the police.

[Blu]

Right - so he has not improved as a result of the course and in fact he has got worse becaue he has been violent with a baby in his arms / in the room.

Look at the facts in my post below and get help. Call the police DV unit.

Unless you want to walk head first into a disaster.

never mind being 'bigger' than responding to provocation - you are worth more than to be a punch bag for this man. Worth a lot more. Gather yourself up and set about protecting yourself.

MN will support you all the way - many people know what bravery it takes. You can do it, for your kids.

[KoalaFace]

differentnameforthis what a horrible thing to say.

Even if OP was being "antagonistic and patronising" (which it doesn't sound like to me) it is not "as bad" as threatening violence and then being actually violent.

[Blu]

Take no notice of posts like 'DifferentName's - clearly has not read the intervening posts about him with a knife and his criminal record for violence.

In any case, the priority is not to endlessly chew over who was as bad as anyone else last night, what matters is that you get free of him and protect your kids. Because of the bigger picture.