So shocked at my behaviour

[Cantbelievethisjusthappened]

Can't believe what just happened....

Bit of background. Dp and I have been together for 4 years and have ds, nearly 2, and dd, 4 weeks.

I was in hospital lady Sunday in agony which has since been diagnosed as gallstones. Was sent home with anti sickness pills and tramadol. But was advised not to take tramadol when on my own with kids and to be careful with it as can have a knock out effect.

Been fine all week and then tonight, I have another attack. Projectile vomiting and lots of pain. Took a tramadol and anti sickness pill and all calmed down.

Woke at 3am by dd who needs feeding. Feel very groggy and struggle to keep my eyes open. Dd messing on boob, on and off, on and off. For an hour. Dp asks if there's anything he can do and I say no. Then I ask him to pass my pump and have baby whilst I express (only feed on one boob). We use a flashlight during night feeds etc and I had it on as normal. Dp covers dds face and i ask him what he's doing to which he replies huffily "it's in her eyes". It was pointing no where in her direction and I said that. I also pointed out that we use it every night so why he's making a big deal of it now I don't know. He replied again huffily saying "well it's in my eyes"

I said that daylight is brighter on his eyes and to grow up. He told me to stop having a go and I said that I was feeling shit and groggy and he's behaving like a kid in assuming coz he's had to do something! He said the same again, stop having a go. I said well grow up. He said "if you say grow up once more I'm going to knock your face in", got up with dd and went towards the door, picking up a wet nappy and launching it at me full pelt hitting me in the face.

I felt humiliated and degraded. I went downstairs and told him to give dd to me. He told me to fuck off. I grabbed his face and he put dd down on couch and launched me on settee and put his hands tightly round my neck saying "you don't come down here and do that to me" I hit back.

Feeling fucking horrendous now. Like I'm some kind of abuser. Am upstairs with dd asleep on me. He came up got the duvet called me a piece of shit and went downstairs.

I can't believe I reacted like that. So ashamed of myself. :( thought I was bigger than that

You are NOT as bad as each other at all OP.
Please ignore unhelpful post above.

Be strong and call the pólice, I know how hard this is, I had to do it myself with an 8 month old, it was horrendous. I did not press charges as my H was on very strong medication which altered his psersonailty but (d)H now has it on record and if it ever happens again he gets in serious trouble. You will feel reassured once you have done it.

I suspect your H will be in serious trouble straight away though, as he has form for abusive behaviour.

Stay strong and I am terribly sorry for you, you must feel terrified and all over the place, I know I did.

No I don't think violence is the answer.....that's why I'm so upset.... With my reaction. Felt degraded and humiliated. I wasn't antagonising him at all. Or patronising him.

Believe me I'm disgusted with my reaction, really disgusted.

N after everything that I've been through with him, i honestly cannot explain why the dirty nappy was the thing that made me crack!

Sorry op, on reflection, you are not just as bad.

You did antagonise, but that is not an excuse for him to do what he did.

I hope you stay safe.

Mixxy

I didn't say what he did was justified. I am not as bad as he is, thank you!

And if you read, I have since posted after reading more of the thread.

Blu

You are absolutely right, I hadn't! But I since have & posted again!

ok, this flared up badly but you did repeatedly minimise and emasculate him even after he gave clear signals that it was makkng him angry. 'grow up' is saying 'you are a child' its judgemental and aggressive and you put a lot of pressure on him to suck up that insult.. and when he did..you kept using it.

there is CLEAR evidence in your texts that your way of behaving when you are asked to stop doing something that makes him angry is to escalte- insult further and get increasingly verbally abusive.

He was perfectly reasonable to dull a light that was annoying him without a lecture about how he was being stupid / unreasonable to do so..then you launched into him. minimised him and launched a verbal assault. when he reacted with a phrase that is basically ' your verbal attack s are making me so angry it is making me think physically' you continued. he walked out rather than fight. but did make a provocative throw of the nappy. That was a physical respinse to humiliate you as you had humiliated him by a torrent of insults. . you followed him and made it physical not him.

I think you BOTH need to work on what you do when angry. poking someone with a stick then looking innocent and seeking escalative support when they react is just as much bullying as anything else.

You went into self protection mode, that is all. You have a new baby and were being abused OP.

Now I'm thinking I just shouldn't have said anything at all. That I should allow him to be in a mood and come out with stupid comments when Ive been up with dd an hour and asked him to have her whilst I expressed and not being with it due to taking tramadol. This wasnt just your normal average night. I needed his help and support not the behaviour of a child.

differentname, well done for apologising. That is really good of you

You see OP, you must stay strong here and not doubt yourself ok?

Exactly OP, you were pushed to the limit here and your H has form for being abusive, I am quite clear that you are not.

No. Throwing something, anything, at another person is what made it physical. Then taking and holding the child. Awful. What if his hand had found something else instead? As if being covered in stale piss wasn't enough he could have caused serious injury.

OP, you need some professional advice. And quick.

Just get out of the house and away from him. Worry about everything else later when you and the children are safe.

Phone Women's Aid.
Phone the police, at least on 101. Ask for their DV section, and talk it through with them.
Find a family law solicitor and get a free half hour; he can be got out of the house legally and you and children can return to it.

But first and foremost, get yourself and the dcs safe and away.

The light hasnt bothered him (or dd) before. It is a torch on a phone that was directed towards a bottle that i was expressing into.

I suspect that his mood had nothing to do with the light and more to do with my expectation that he has dd whilst I expressed.

Have re read my texts and accept I should have just apologised for my behaviour and mentioned nothing else in case it upset him further

by the way it is obv in your first post that you have beencareful to say everything to ask for a fair response. Thanks for doing that.

there is a lot to say that he was trying very hard to support you. . asking if there are things to do. .covering dd from the light in the room, which instead of a 'that's nice' or 'thanks ' or acceptance that he can decide things he got a lecture about how what he thought was help was ridiculous and stupid. in short you gave him clear signals that he is unable to help. its not uncommon. women often do push men away with baby care the 'give it here you have no idea' narrative - he opened up to help and you aggressively shut it down. true you should be forgiven for that given situation but if you don't allow him to feel sorry and continue on the 'you are abuser' attack then the rel won't grow.

you are both under stress and should agree strategies to deescalate if you can..

If you do not involve the police - and please listen to this - you are getting in your own way. Stand out of the way and walk forward to freedom, and not being kicked, thrown, bruised, punched. Stand out of the way and take your child out of the most toxic situation possible. I grew up in a household of domestic violence and you never forget it.

Go to the police, stop communicating with this bastard, and get to safety. Do you realise that next time he could kill you?

OP, If you act today you can put this horrible episode of your life behind you.

If you don't, then the abuse and violence is likely to escalate and become more frequent.

What about your children? When your 2 year old inevitably starts having tantrums and misbehaving, how is he going to react? Camly?I don't think so.

Your priority should be your own wellbeing and that of your children. By keeping them in that environment you are putting them in danger.

Phone womans aid. They will reassure you about the fact your baby won't be taken away for overnight visits etc. Don't engage with him and start making a plan for how you are going to change your life for the better today.

You can do it.

Social Services might be able to help you at this point. You are NOT to blame, you are NOT failing your children by asking for, or accepting, help. Social Services will not want to take your children away from you, just him.

You are doing something brave and smart, and you deserve so much better.

You have a new baby you are trying to breastfeed and express for. You have gall stones. The pain from them is excruciating (been there, done that etc). It is extremely stressful, worrying about whether a gallstone attack has properly settled or is going to flare again.

As far as I can see you were totally unsupported in this situation and needed love, care and consideration. Give it to yourself by extricating yourself from this situation so that you and your children are safe.

Not dead, I would accept that he was trying to help if the manner in which he shielded her eyes sighing huffily and huffy responses weren't present.

He was annoyed he had to have her And I was annoyed that given the situation with me feeling spaced out,dd not settling after feed, needing to express if he wasn't happy about doing it he could have pretended to at least

I don't see him being at all ready to apologise for his behaviour. You're being far too generous to him, OP. If he was really that narked by what you'd said he could have got up and left the room. There was no need to take your baby or to throw anything at you. The responsibility for making this physical starts with him.

NotDead So the OP deserved it because she provoked him, you're saying? That's disgusting. And wrong. You're saying 'women should never talk back to men, no wonder they get hit'

Don't listen to this crap, OP. Ring Women's Aid.

NotDead Posts like yours are really dangerous.

The OP is with somebody who has a history of violence against women and men. Did you read the part where he dragged her outside and kicked her repeatedly?

This isn't a one off. Read her posts for fuck sake. This is the first time that she has reacted to the abuse he gives her, normally she just takes it.

You are basically telling a woman who is living with an abusive partner that she has caused the situation. Do you realise how irresponsible that is? There are 2 children who are being brought into a household where the father uses violence and intimidation to get his own way and you are telling their mother that she should just suck it up and accept it.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

he opened up to help and you aggressively shut it down. true you should be forgiven for that given situation but if you don't allow him to feel sorry and continue on the 'you are abuser' attack then the rel won't grow.

What!? Have you read all of the OP's posts, NotDead? Even just looking at what he did last night, this man is an abuser. Taking into account what he is done in the past, he is most definitely an abuser!

Even if the OP had 'provoked' him by not appreciating his 'help' , his reaction was in no way justified and he was abusive!

OP, don't bother trying to explain yourself to NotDead, 99.9% of posters on here have told you the correct advice. Ignore the goading or idiotic minority.

OP, please get out and get help. It's not going to get any better. :(

And NotDead is a male poster who goes onto the relationship boards and posts provocative, woman blaming shite. Ignore, ignore, ignore.