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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh confessed to affair - devastated

125 replies

Numb71 · 08/09/2013 10:50

We have been together 17 years, married for 10. We have one child, ds who is 7.

He told me on Friday he's slept with a colleague 3 times. Last time was in April. He can't handle the guilt, apparently.

I don't even know why I am posting - have NCed, obviously. Cannot believe it's me NCing and posting about my not so fucking dh's affair. No idea how I got here. Sad

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 08/09/2013 10:53

I'm really sorry op

This must all be such a terrible shock.

Can he go away for a couple days so you can have some time to think?

Do you have any idea what you want to do from here? Do you want to him to leave permanent or do you perhaps want to try and make things work? Obviously he would have to do a whole lot more trying than you. Neither decision is wrong of course, it's very personal.

Again, really sorry this has happened to you.

Sparklingbrook · 08/09/2013 10:53

Morning Numb what was your initial gut reaction?

WaitMonkey · 08/09/2013 10:54

You poor thing. If you report your op, you can get this moved to relationships. You will get loads of support there.

GreetingsFrontBottom · 08/09/2013 10:54

Shit. How awful. Does said colleague know he is married?

FetchezLaVache · 08/09/2013 10:57

So sorry to hear this, Numb. It does, however, occur to me to wonder if there's any reason other than sheer guilt he's chosen to confess now, after all these months...

Original poster
Numb71 · 08/09/2013 10:58

If this has been suggested as an imaginary scenario, I would always have said that would be it, finished.

I think I want to try again though. What I really want is the man who I thought loved me too much to ever, ever do this to me and our ds.

He thinks this is so cataclysmic that he should probably move out because he has betrayed me so badly. This hurts aswell, that he won't stay and fight for us.

He is a very selfish person who constantly has self-searching mini-crisis about whether he is truly happy or not. He is the kind of person who has no idea what would make him happy, and is always looking for something elusive. Typing that makes it sound like it was a accident waiting to happen, but I never thought it would translate into this, ever.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 08/09/2013 10:59

It does seem odd that the last time was in April and yet it's taken 5 months to say. But maybe he is eaten up by guilt?

Does he still work with the colleague?

I honestly don't know how I would feel in this situation. Sad

OctopusWrangler · 08/09/2013 11:02

He confesses then wants to move out? My head says planned. Sorry:(

CeliaFate · 08/09/2013 11:07

Numb I'm so sorry this has happened, but look at it this way - he's confessed because he couldn't bear the guilt, not that he was sorry and that he feels awful and will do anything to make it up to you.
If I were you, I'd tell him to go. Once he's gone he may realise what he's lost and try and fight for it.
He doesn't have to fight for you at the moment because you are giving him everything he wants. Get angry.

Original poster
Numb71 · 08/09/2013 11:07

She left in July to stop it once and for all. I emailed her last night and said a few things that I don't see why she should escape from hearing. Felt slightly better.

Initial reaction was shock, then massive massive disappointment. Went through furious for a while yesterday.

Last 'I'm not happy' crisis was in April. I asked him straight out if he was having an affair, I kind of knew then I suppose.

But he denied it and I talked myself out of it after about ten minutes. So he has tried to make it work since then, bit things have made him feel like a heel ever since - ten year wedding anniversary, and this weekend we were meant to be going to a wedding where there are a couple of old acquaintances who thought 17 years ago we would never work out. We were going to show them, you see. He couldn't 'put me through it', knowing what he knew.

OP posts:
CeliaFate · 08/09/2013 11:08

He wouldn't have been putting you through anything, though.

He is completely selfish isn't he?

everlong · 08/09/2013 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Numb71 · 08/09/2013 11:10

Put in Chat so it disappears.

Thank you to everyone who is posting, I really appreciate your help and advice and sympathy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Numb71 · 08/09/2013 11:11

Oh yes, Celiafate, incredibly selfish. I knew this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Numb71 · 08/09/2013 11:12

Ow has left to stop affair, everlong.

OP posts:
Sparklysilversequins · 08/09/2013 11:15

Sad I am so sorry but I think there's more to this. She's left to end the affair? Or to make it easier to continue it away from other work colleagues? Suddenly he is confessing and wants to move out because he feels so guilty? All a bit neat isn't it? I think there more going on here and he want to leave with a clear conscience. Arsehole. Angry

CeliaFate · 08/09/2013 11:15

I really do think you need to send him packing, to give you some time and space to think, but also to send him the message that you won't put up with this shit without a fight.

Obviously it depends how strong you feel, I imagine this has knocked you for six.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 08/09/2013 11:18

He wants you to ask him to leave. Then he can justify it in his head - he didn't leave you - you kicked him out.
Seems planned to me.

Sparklysilversequins · 08/09/2013 11:20

OR he's us playing the "I should leave, I feel so guilty" card to send you into panic mode knowing you will be so devastated at the thought of it you'll beg him to stay and STFU up about all his tiresome mistake.

Either way he's a manipulative arse and the very best thing you can do is say "good, go on, I can't stand to look at you right now".

As someone who was cheated on prolifically this is what I should have done. Taken the power back.

Original poster
Numb71 · 08/09/2013 11:34

I think you are all right. I am going to ask him to go and stay somewhere else for a week. I have to go to work tomorrow, I can't deal with this every week night.

OP posts:
Original poster
Numb71 · 08/09/2013 11:35

What the hell do I say to ds though?

OP posts:
giraffescantdanceallnight · 08/09/2013 11:37

Sorry to hear that :-(

everlong · 08/09/2013 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Numb71 · 08/09/2013 11:45

He doesn't know any of this yet. What can we say to him about this week, do you think?

OP posts:
everlong · 08/09/2013 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.