Dh confessed to affair - devastated

[Numb71]

We have been together 17 years, married for 10. We have one child, ds who is 7.

He told me on Friday he's slept with a colleague 3 times. Last time was in April. He can't handle the guilt, apparently.

I don't even know why I am posting - have NCed, obviously. Cannot believe it's me NCing and posting about my not so fucking dh's affair. No idea how I got here.

[Numb71]

Yes, ds is very affectionate - hope the cuddles don't stop too soon when he is older! He's been out to tea tonight, he was very excited.

[Numb71]

Really? Aww, that's so lovely!

[Numb71]

[CatsWearingTutus]

You're going to be okay, numb. I can tell how strong you are as it comes through in all your posts. You're a natural at taking care of people so now you get to concentrate on taking care of yourself and ds without your (forgive me for saying) overgrown selfish child of a husband to take care of as well. Take it one day at a time, distract yourself as best you can, and the worst of the loneliness will pass and you'll be able to think straight again soon.

[middleeasternpromise]

Ha Numb bless your friend, tell him he can inbox me if he has a relationship problem he needs an opinion on !! Mumsnet is free no need to go to websites! Sounds like your OH is reeling from the shock of the situation and your response. If he comes back he needs to do so on your terms understanding if he ever messes up again thats it for you. He needs a good spell out in the cold so he understands and you need to figure out what the bottom line would look like for you. At this point you dont just want him back like he was pre affair, you want new and improved wearing grown up clothes and determined to make sure you know hes going to be the best husband you could find and thats gonna take some doing !!! You may in all seriousness, not wish to give him another chance. If you have enough time to think things through the right answers will come for you. Dont let him rush you.

[GeekInThePink]

Thinking of you numb :)

[Lioninthesun]

Support from me tooNumb . Men that cheat are always selfish. The fact he doesn't want his friends to know shows how little he thought about the consequences. Sadly if it were me (and it has been before) even if you take him back I think you may find trust has evaporated. In that situation you can turn into a different person and become paranoid, which only gives them more fuel to go off and do it again, or moan to anyone who will listen about how you want them under the thumb (usually because you don't trust them to go out alone etc any more).
One of my exes messaged me recently with a simple "Why???" when I hadn't messaged him for months. He began a whole dialogue about how he often thought of me and wondered if things had been different - yada yada. I had to respond and say "seeing as you got engaged 3 weeks after we split and married 4 months later, I assumed we had done the right thing in breaking up and have moved on. I suggest you focus on your marriage." He is one of the same self absorbed, grass is always greener, am I doing the right thing, kind of men. It made me feel terrible even responding but I knew if I didn't he would see hope and it would escalate. If his poor wife sees them though it is very clear he isn't happy.
Really what I am trying to say is that I don't think his basic behaviour will change, sadly my ex had done the same to me and his previous ex ( I found his emails to her and dumped him) and I think he will just do something equally stupid again if you take him back.
Wishing you all the luck in the world as it is so hard when you think you have a life with someone and they put their selfishness before everyone else in the family. Also it does sound as if she moved to stop it because it was the only way to stop it. And now she is single again....hmmmmmm. I would be v. suspicious.

[Numb71]

Catswearingtutus - I would have considered myself a fairly strong person before this. I still feel it even now sometimes, but then at others I am broken :-(

He seems almost as stunned as I am at his behaviour. He still doesn't know why he did it, or how he could have. And I definitely haven't got a clue.

[cloudskitchen]

I just wanted to add my support. What an awful situation to find yourself in. Well done for how you have handled it so far. I hope you get a good rest tonight

[Numb71]

I did sleep, actually. Things are still grim but I don't feel quite as tearful this morning, which will make work easier. Thank you for your kind words - everyone is so lovely.

[FetchezLaVache]

Glad you slept well and are feeling ok, Numb! Keep posting.

[onefewernow]

Numb, you have said that he is selfish. That you sort everything out. That he has lured and been ambivalent.

I think that sums up quite a lot if people who have affairs.

In my view, the problem here is that your only chance of success with him long term is for him to change a very great deal. A very great deal. Eg taking much more responsibility both for himself and for half of your joint lives. For putting you first more often. For eliminating selfishness.

Please do not underestimate how much work that is. It is almost a certainty that he won't see it this way- a quick apology and three months good behaviour is what he will expect if back.

Affairs and their aftermath cause massive change in a relationship, for both sides.

I know as my H was unfaithful 2 years ago, and was a twat for a long time prior.

Also, at the moment I suppose you are in shock, and in your heart want normality and him back shortly. Over time, you may find that changes.

Anyway, a random collection of thoughts there, but hopefully helpful.

[onefewernow]

Lied not lured

[Numb71]

onefewer now, yes, very helpful - can I ask were you able to forgive your dh and move on?

Really struggling today. I feel extra hurt today somehow. Had management time and pretty much failed to do any management work. Should be better the rest of the time - I am much better while I am teaching, can throw myself into it and not think about anything else.

[Numb71]

Rest of the week, I mean.

[debtherat]

Hi numb my OH told me about his affair on New Year's Day because I suspect of guilt, wanting some reassurance??!! from me. Like you, she ended it, got a new job and I can most days convince myself that if she hadn't ended it, he would not be here.... he even threatened to divorce me if I contacted her - what did your OH say about contacting his OW? I also get the "it just happened" explanation and quite a lot of blame - not so much now but on admission I took a lot of personal insults (my friends, my car !!, not paying him enough attention but good mum - gee thanks!). The really big thing for me, with hindsight, is the loss of uniqueness that we had, what made us special, a team - all very fractured and hard to mend. And I really resent the intrusion of this sadness into my everyday life including work... I am healing but self esteem is very low... and I don't value him like I did...and I feel very bitter that he put his feelings and hers above our two DS. Wish you well in your journey to recovery, forgiveness or whatever the future holds.

[Numb71]

Hi debtherat - thank you. He didn't say anything. I told him what I was going to do, and that if I couldn't get her email address I was going to post it publically in the comments section of an article she has online to have my say. In the end I just got it from his ipod.

H hasn't been in touch which I was upset about, until I realised I had told him to stay away and give me space so I could at least go to work this week. I know from two friends that he has been asking how I am, and I really needed to hear that.

He is coming round tomorrow to see ds - I am looking forward to it. I am hoping that by Friday he will be ready to accept that it is possible for us to work through this, with some ground rules, some changes and a lot of work. I realise that one week may not mean a magic wand has been waved, but I know from others that he is very low.

[Numb71]

The really big thing for me, with hindsight, is the loss of uniqueness that we had, what made us special, a team

That bit really resonates with me. It is truly awful, that feeling, isn't it. Gets me in the pit of my stomach

[carolmcgiffintowin]

sorry to hear you've been struggling today numb. it WILL get easier with time. make sure the ground rules are coming from YOU not HIM. i personally think a week round his mates will not have enough of an impact for his to experience the reality of what he stands to lose but i understand your need at the moment is to get back to some kind of normality to heal your hurting. it is good that he has been asking about you - and damn right he should be feeling low. how are you feeling about tomorrow? have you got a plan of action?

[Quiltcover]

Don't be so quick to show him forgiveness. If you genuinely want to stay with him, then you need to make sure that fev understands how wrong his behaviour was and that it can never happen again.
Let him wallow in pity and really realise what he could lose.

[Quiltcover]

He has shagged a colleague and its only taken a week for you to let him back. Not much more than a normal row.