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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Dh confessed to affair - devastated

125 replies

Numb71 · 08/09/2013 10:50

We have been together 17 years, married for 10. We have one child, ds who is 7.

He told me on Friday he's slept with a colleague 3 times. Last time was in April. He can't handle the guilt, apparently.

I don't even know why I am posting - have NCed, obviously. Cannot believe it's me NCing and posting about my not so fucking dh's affair. No idea how I got here.

OP posts:

Report

LEMisdisappointed · 08/09/2013 11:51

He said it was too catachlysmic and feels he needs to end it? Im sorry but i think he is still seeing her

Alisvolatpropiis · 08/09/2013 11:58

I'd tell your ds that your h is working away for a while.

Numb71 · 08/09/2013 12:00

Thanks, yes, work suggestion good idea.

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Blueandwhitelover · 08/09/2013 12:06

IMO he has plans to move out and wants you to be the bad guy and ask him to go.
OW will them reappear on the scene.
You do not deserve to be treated like this.

GreetingsFrontBottom · 08/09/2013 12:09

No, I don't think you should start lying to your DS. Could you maybe tell him that you and Daddy have had a row and Daddy is staying somewhere else for a while? Not sure how old your DS is, so not sure if that would work, sorry.

NatashaBee · 08/09/2013 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoelHeadbands · 08/09/2013 12:15

IMO he has plans to move out and wants you to be the bad guy and ask him to go.
OW will them reappear on the scene.
You do not deserve to be treated like this.

^^ this.

Seen it before, 'nice guy' syndrome. The out and out tosspots just do what they want straight up, but the ones desperate to still be seen in some way as the Nice Guy will manipulate things

NoelHeadbands · 08/09/2013 12:16

Sorry posted to soon as well as format fail

Sorry this has happened to you OP, wishing you strength and luck for you and your little boy

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 08/09/2013 12:17

They slept together in April but she left in July to put a stop to the affair? So it was ongoing until July at least :(

Numb71 · 08/09/2013 12:24

We are all teachers - if she handed in her notice in April, July would be the earliest she could switch jobs. I believe the April bit - now he has confessed to everything, there's nothing to be gained by hiding any of it.

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Numb71 · 08/09/2013 12:26

Thank you for all your support so far - it means a lot.

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middleeasternpromise · 08/09/2013 12:34

This type of person is very hard to maintain a relationship with. They present as the tortured soul type, never happy never know why and are periodically grateful for your help. But most of the time they are exactly as you say, selfish. Selfishly pinging around to see if theres something better for them and bouncing back when they find there isn't. Even when it's good you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Living with this type of person takes a very strong individual, you have to be so secure and grounded because they aren't, and they use what you provide to anchor themselves. There is only really hope if they are prepared to take some responsibility for their actions but in my experience you wait a long time for that. You have put alot of time and commitment into this relationshipr, I dont think you need to worry if he says he wants to move out, he will be back I dont doubt. In part the not staying and fighting is the cowardly side of them. He knows or thinks he knows that you will be there for him. Sometimes until you get some space you dont really know what life would be like without their daily dramas. If this space comes your way naturally then I would say take it but use it to take care of yourself and not him.

Blueandwhitelover · 08/09/2013 12:55

Do you work at the same school too? I am not surprised that she has gone then, the fall out from married teachers having an affair in school would be horrendous and public. I still think she is still on the scene.
However, I may be biased, ex dh told me he just did not want responsibility any more-then was engaged 4 days later.

Numb71 · 08/09/2013 13:09

Wow, middleeasternpromise, that is a near-perfect description of our relationship and what it is like for me, thanks for that and your very helpful advice.

Blueandwhite, no, they are FE lecturers and I am a primary school teacher.

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Blondeorbrunette · 08/09/2013 16:10

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Some men are cunts aren't they.

Did he not feel guilt after the first time, is that why he went back for more?

I bet it felt good to email the skank and get it off your chest didn't it.

When I found out my husband was cheating I packed his stuff up, walked straight into his office and dropped the bags in the middle of the office.

On my way out I stopped at the door took his fake fanny out of my bag and lobbed it across the room at him.

Your husband needs to go so you can decide what's right for you.

Numb71 · 08/09/2013 16:34

It did feel good, blondeorbrunette, and I did use the word 'skanky', actually Thanks for your kind words.

What's a fake fanny?!

He has gone now How many times can your heart break in one weekend?

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Wellwobbly · 08/09/2013 17:11

This is planned.

He has put it on to you.

The reality? 'I want to leave you so I can be with her'.

Ezio · 08/09/2013 17:36

i think Well has it.

Hes acting very guilty so he can leave and keep going on with her.

everlong · 08/09/2013 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CeliaFate · 08/09/2013 17:51

How did you gauge his reaction, Numb? Do you know where's he gone?

Blueandwhitelover · 08/09/2013 18:13

Thinking of you

Numb71 · 08/09/2013 18:23

He's gone to a friend's house. He was very taken aback when I told him I wanted him to stay away for a week. He was also very reluctant to involve another section of friends 'But everyone will know'.

I think that's a bad sign because it's more of him not facing up to his responsibilities, and maybe slightly good because he is thinking of how we can get past this, iyswim. He seems stunned by the whole thing, and doesn't seem to know what to do. But I can't sort this one out for him - I think it's part of the problem that I always sort everything out.

He has to do this on his own - with his actions he has made sure that this time it can't be me who picks up the pieces. He went round to see my best friend - she offered, since she is also a friend to us both. They talked for a long time - and she made sure she got in some home truths too, she doesn't mince her words either. She said he found it really difficult to articulate his feelings. He really doesn't know why he did it, which is no help.

OP posts:

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Numb71 · 08/09/2013 18:26

middleeasternpromise, your description of my relationship dynamic was so good that I showed it to my friend. He got the wrong end of the stick and thought I had got professional advice - he thought you were so goo he wanted to know who you were and what your website was so he could get you to help with his relationship problems.

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ImperialBlether · 08/09/2013 18:33

Good for you for making him get out, albeit only for a week. I think I would have given no end time.

He is very self indulgent, isn't he? He can't handle the affair so he lands it in your lap, as though you can handle it.

Do you believe it was only three times? Would it be called an affair if it was? If she left work (and I don't agree that it's continuing, if she left) then it looks like she left to get away from a longer affair. Was she married? Who was it she couldn't trust? I work in FE and it's pretty easy to keep out of someone's way if you really want to. Did he want her to leave her husband and she left because of the pressure?

If I were you I'd say that the week's absence is actually a week at your friend's house, not the extent of his absence. Think carefully about what you really want - you've said he's selfish, he's clearly self indulgent, he's unfaithful, he's never happy with what he's got. He's not got a lot going for him, with that description!

Numb71 · 08/09/2013 18:39

She was in a ten year relationship aswell, no kids. She left to work on her relationship, but it ended anyway. She says she will never contact my family again. I had asked her if she had thought of the destruction of our son's homelife on any of the three occasions - she didn't argue with the number. I do believe it - he couldn't live without saying anything any more, so I do really think it has all come out.

They were in the same department, so worked quite closely together...evidently.

It's hard to argue with your last paragraph, Imperial. But I still love him with all my heart

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