Dh confessed to affair - devastated

[Numb71]

We have been together 17 years, married for 10. We have one child, ds who is 7.

He told me on Friday he's slept with a colleague 3 times. Last time was in April. He can't handle the guilt, apparently.

I don't even know why I am posting - have NCed, obviously. Cannot believe it's me NCing and posting about my not so fucking dh's affair. No idea how I got here.

[Wellwobbly]

One, 2 years ago was a blur of trauma shock and misery, do please refresh history?

I think our mistakes, what we did and what we clung on to, are actually an important lesson for 'newbies' in all of this.

[carolmcgiffintowin]

how did you get on numb? hope you're feeling stronger as each day goes by.

[onefewernow]

Oh and Wobbly, I know you remember from two years ago how wrong I got it, as we were as bad as each other, werent we? How things changed for us both, in various ways.

[onefewernow]

There are two issues 00rice- one is why he did what he did, and the other reson is what you need in your life, what you will tolerate, and what that means in terms of your response to his actions.

You were right to look at the effect on you and get rid if he cant/until he can see sense, rather than trying to fix and mend him. It is step 1 in growing your self esteem.

Our counsellor enabled him to see a lot of this, and more stuff about him.

It helped most that I worked on myself, and moved beyond what he was to who I was and what I would tolerate. I read a lot too, eg Frank Pittman on affairs and other matters, Cloud and Thompson on boundaries and consequences in relationships, and also John Cleese on Families and How to survive them, which my counsellor likes.

However, two of thos books were good for background understanding. The most practically useful was the one on consequences, and realising that I was actually capable of coping on my own if needed, and that if I die in five or ten years I dont want to have wasted them, having been unhappy for the last few!

It is really hard work to hold out for fairness, and to change your own responses to get it. It is really hard work for the cheater to do his bit, and to be to account when he does not. That and noticing when he did do it, and saying nice things then, too.

[00ricecakes00]

Thank you to all you amazing posters and big hug to you numb. I am a few weeks ahead of you, after discovering husband & my best friends affair of several months. He has gone, is seeing her and has changed beyond belief in terms of how he talks to me now. From being my rock, he is now like my worst nightmare, nothing can prepare you for that. The heartache is physical, but is controllable for a few daylight hours now. I believe he is depressed, he was struggling for a few years but wouldn't go to the doctors, I changed everything to help him be happy, to try and build his confidence. He was unstable over the week I found out, but has since come off his AD's and refused counselling offered to him post a suicide attempt that week. The selfishness is unbelievable, almost as bad as the reality he has built himself to justify now being hostile and aggressive to me now. I just wish he could grow up, man up, take actual responsibility for his actions and decisions and act with some sense of compassion to me his rock of the last 20 years. A fruitless wish I know. Sorry not meaning to interrupt your thread, but the post responses you got are so helpful, wanted them to know they are helping others as well as you.

[Lioninthesun]

onefewer you have hit so many nails on the head you should be a carpenter! I think you have just described my 2 most recent exes in detail. Sadly it does kill your self esteem, especially if you go back and try to make it work. I am at a point now where the last thing I want is a man, and everyone telling me most men aren't like this simply doesn't ring true to me. I do also think it is a lot to do with me; as you say they don't treat other people with that lack of respect. But it is hard when we are raised to be the meeker, caring, less demanding sex as you have a niggle that you aren't supposed to 'enjoy' but be useful. The men in my life never seem to have this issue. Thank you for your posts, I am sure they are helping OP and they are helping me by your sheer adeptness in summing up the traits (I have a tendency to waffle, as you can see!)

[Wellwobbly]

THIS

was that I was good at SAYING what was fair and what I expected in a relationship. I didn't realise what hot air it was, because he managed to quietly ignore it time and again, sometimes after a bit of lip service, without any consequences. Sure, I moaned, but he still did what he wanted, regardless of the effects on me.

and THIS

it is more usually the one who takes most and offers least to the relationship who has the affair.

For women like us, it is the last straw after a whole heap of unsatisfactory crap.

It is to do with their maturity and levels of respect. Sure. But notice this, they don't show lack of respect to those in their lives who wouldn't tolerate it, do they?

If you don't demand and expect respect in a relationship, some men don't offer it. And therefore it is easier for them to cheat.

I initially made the mistake afterwards of attributing the whole thing to his bad background , difficult childhood , workaholism, etc etc.

I was wrong , and I was wasting my energy. Our counsellor got me to see this.

Why did he cheat? Because he wanted to. Because he thought his desires were more important than mine. Because family came second. Because he is needy, and they made him feel powerful. Because he thought that one way or another, he would get away with it. Because he thought lying was ok as long as you don't get caught. Because he thought a wife was someone you "managed", without being seen to do do.

Wow 1. Did your counsellor get him to see all of this? I also did the excusing. Even now, I say he is depressed. He might be, but he is an idiot also.

[carolmcgiffintowin]

how you feeling today numb? hope it goes ok with dh - don't forget who's running the show (you!)

[saferniche]

these are extraordinary posts, onefewernow

[Numb71]

I think I realise that now.

Hope you are okay, PTFsWife.

[PTFsWife]

NUmb71 and onefewernow - am watching and reading your comments and thoughts with interest given I am in the same place now. Thank you

[onefewernow]

Well if he was selfish before, that is disrespectful, surely.

[Numb71]

Maturity and levels of respect - definitely.

I wouldn't have said he showed a lack of respect to me until now.

[Numb71]

carolmcgiffin - stunned, mainly, is the best way to describe it. And yes, yes, not really. I think he wants to but doesn't know how.

[onefewernow]

It is often quoted on these threads that Shirley Glass's seminal book on infidelity, based on research, notes that it is more usually the one who takes most and offers least to the relationship who has the affair.

For women like us, it is the last straw after a whole heap of unsatisfactory crap.

It is to do with their maturity and levels of respect. Sure. But notice this, they don't show lack of respect to those in their lives who wouldn't tolerate it, do they?

If you don't demand and expect respect in a relationship, some men don't offer it. And therefore it is easier for them to cheat.

I initially made the mistake afterwards of attributing the whole thing to his bad background , difficult childhood , workaholism, etc etc.

I was wrong , and I was wasting my energy. Our counsellor got me to see this.

Why did he cheat? Because he wanted to. Because he thought his desires were more important than mine. Because family came second. Because he is needy, and they made him feel powerful. Because he thought that one way or another, he would get away with it. Because he thought lying was ok as long as you don't get caught. Because he thought a wife was someone you "managed", without being seen to do do.

[carolmcgiffintowin]

how has he behaved in discussions so far numb? has he taken responsibility/expressed his remorse/offered to change?

[Numb71]

What a slow self examination afterwards showed me, was that I was good at SAYING what was fair and what I expected in a relationship. I didn't realise what hot air it was, because he managed to quietly ignore it time and again, sometimes after a bit of lip service, without any consequences. Sure, I moaned, but he still did what he wanted, regardless of the effects on me.

That bit is clearly very accurate.

[Numb71]

God, was stunned reading that. So much truth there aswell.

I thought I was just letting him be himself. I didn't think it could possibly lead to this.

[onefewernow]

Another thing: reexamine that point you made about being strong and not a pushover.

I had that self belief too, and others would support that view of me.

What a slow self examination afterwards showed me, was that I was good at SAYING what was fair and what I expected in a relationship. I didn't realise what hot air it was, because he managed to quietly ignore it time and again, sometimes after a bit of lip service, without any consequences. Sure, I moaned, but he still did what he wanted, regardless of the effects on me.

Now, I know I will never again live with someone who expects the lions share of the free time, the smallest portion if the housework, or who cherry picks the nice daddy bits with the kids. Or who stays up late and uses porn instead of the hard work of keeping the intimacy in the relationship.

I'm worth a better offer, to rehash Bridget Jones. Now he knows it too, because I've shown him the door more than once in the last two years. i have consulted the kids about divorce. And I have buggered off and left HIM for an easy weekend for myself at a bad time, if he has done similar to me.

You would be amazed what change you can get if you check you are not a pushover in practice.

[Numb71]

I know

[Quiltcover]

Sorry I wasn't meaning to be harsh. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. Your emotions are all over.
A week feels like a long time when your thoughts are all consuming re dh. You miss him both emotionally and practically. All you want us for him to hold you tight and say everything will be ok.
I just think if you want your marriage to recover, do not rush anything, take your time, allow him to think what he has lost. Of course he will be low, but no where near as hurt as you are. What us he going to do to fix this? He should be proactive not have you list your demands, he should reach them on his own.

[Numb71]

Carolmcgiffin, that's also good advice. He wouldn't dictate anything though, especially not when he is do in the wrong, he wouldn't dare.

[Numb71]

Thanks for that, onefewernow, that was a very candid and illuminating post. I appreciate you taking the time to show how hard it will be and why, it's given me a lot to think about.

My original idea was for him to see ds on Wed and we would talk more Friday. I will see how he is, I think.

My bf's take on it when she talked to him was that she thought he was too guilty and ashamed atm to even begin to process anything.

Thank you, everlong, you have been so helpful and supportive.

Quilt, I hear your warning, and you are right to say so. I won't be walked over, it's not my style. But thank you for pulling me up in case.

[onefewernow]

Numb, I have forgiven him, yes. Meaning I'm not angry or resentful about it, or devastatingly hurt any more. I don't think he will do it again.

Have I moved on? Somewhat, perhaps a lot, but that's got a lot to do with the other points I made to you. I could be more moved on, but it has taken quite a struggle to get this far. It's worth it now, mostly, but had I known what I was in for at the start I would have run. That's the truth. Or maybe if I didn't have teenagers at a certain stage.

Because a cheater is also a leopard who had certain spots, and doesn't give them up easily, if you forgive the pun.

For the betrayed party, most often a woman, the game is up, isn't it, on all sorts of selfish behaviours about which you may have previously grumbled and bickered?

Now, you see more clearly. You are able to analyse the inequality and power imbalance. You are way less patient with laziness, lying and general bullshit. Because if you are going to move through this pain, and get over the lies, he had better be worth it and you had better be not doubting it.

The infidelity changes YOU.

My experience was three months hysterical bonding and good and considerate behaviour, followed by a slow slide and reversion. Not back to infidelity, but to the shitty and entitled behaviour which preceded it.

I wouldn't tolerate that. So it has been a struggle and I have dragged him kicking and screaming, eg by considering divorce more than once, and refusing to be his mummy.

So there it is. It is hard. I don't think poor H had any idea how life changing for both of us his infidelity was going to be.