Dh confessed to affair - devastated

[Numb71]

We have been together 17 years, married for 10. We have one child, ds who is 7.

He told me on Friday he's slept with a colleague 3 times. Last time was in April. He can't handle the guilt, apparently.

I don't even know why I am posting - have NCed, obviously. Cannot believe it's me NCing and posting about my not so fucking dh's affair. No idea how I got here.

[CeliaFate]

He was very taken aback when I told him I wanted him to stay away for a week. He was also very reluctant to involve another section of friends 'But everyone will know'.

I think that's a good sign - you've shocked him by your actions. You've taken back control. And everyone will know and support you and think he's a sleazy arsehole. More control.

I know it's gut wrenching, but you've got to stay strong and maintain dignity; he needs to make serious progress towards winning you back.

[Numb71]

I can do it, I think. It's so hard to stop myself from grabbing phone to text/email, I miss him so much. But that would defeat the object, wouldn't it?

He is visiting ds on Wednesday.

[CeliaFate]

Do you have a friend who can come round to keep you company and listen?

[Numb71]

I have two very good friends who have kept me sane this weekend - both are in constant text/phone/Facebook contact.

My parents also have been brilliant - they were supposed to be having ds this weekend, so when it all fell apart I had to tell them. I was too stunned to think of lying. Actually, I could have kicked myself later for that - one of the things dh is afraid of is facing them again, being 'the guy who had the affair'. He doesn't see how we could ever be that normal again. But I had no choice but to tell them, the timing was terrible.

I have had a lot of rl support, I am very lucky in that respect.

[Numb71]

Thank you x

[carolmcgiffintowin]

so sorry to hear this Numb - can't imagine the shock you must be going through right now.

when you say 'She left in July to stop it once and for all' does that mean he would have happily continued the affair? If he ended it outright then I would be more inclined to give him another go.

[Numb71]

I am unclear - I get the impression they were both appalled and stopped it in April, both having relationships that they were jeopardising.

I would feel happier (if that's the word) if it hadn't taken three occasions to come to this conclusion - ow told me she is disgusted with herself and devastated. Boo hoo

[Numb71]

I need to know who stopped it, don't I

[carolmcgiffintowin]

think I would need to. but Numb you need to concentrate on YOU and take this time to decipher what YOU want, in or out of the relationship. don't try and second guess what he is thinking and if you do decide to ever give him the time of day again accept nothing less than a grovelling promise to make it up to you and your dc for the rest of his days.

boo hoo indeed .

[Numb71]

I wouldn't accept anything else, you're right. Need some ground rules.

Have contacted Relate.

[carolmcgiffintowin]

great step. stay strong Numb - you WILL get over this (hopefully together as I sense that is what you want).

[Numb71]

I really do. Thank you x

[giraffescantdanceallnight]

Thinking of you. You're not alone. :)

[Numb71]

Thanks giraffes

I have watched posters comforted over the last 7 years with awe, never ceasing to be amazed at how kind, wise and supportive you ladies can be, and never dreaming I would ever need it for this reason.

You are awesome, MNers. Thank you so much for your support, you don't know how much it helps me xx

[GreetingsFrontBottom]

But I had no choice but to tell them, the timing was terrible.

You did the right thing in telling them. If your DH feels awkward around them, then that is his problem. It is not your job to protect him from that.

[Numb71]

Slept till 5, newly tearful this morning. Cold light of day stuff. I'll be okay when I get to work. Thanks, everlong, logging on to see a friendly message helped a little..

(I saw yours at 5, greetings, that helped too.)

[Blueandwhitelover]

Hope you are ok, you are grieving for the 'death' of the relationship you thought you had. If you and DH do work it out you will have a new relationship.
Take some time and we are all sending support x

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Hope you are having a good day at work and the "cold light of day" horror has passed for now.

[carolmcgiffintowin]

thinking of you Numb - hope you've managed to get distracted by work and are holding out not contacting (d)h!!

[Numb71]

I won't contact him - it's really hard though, I miss him so much. Was too busy to think about it much today thank goodness. Comes in waves

[Numb71]

He's fine, still happy in his ignorance, bless him. Was very grateful for a much needed cuddle when he crept into my bed very early this morning