Dh keeps doing something I don't like in bed

[Moochicken]

Without wanting to go into too much detail, dh keeps doing something during sex which I don't like. I ask him not to and after a few minutes he does it anyway.

It doesn't happen every time but he did it again last night. He apologized after and said he won't do it again (he says this everytime) and now he can't understand why I'm still pissed off.

How seriously would you take this? If I said no and stopped sex he would listen and would never force me to do something but I still feel uncomfortable that he basically ignores my wishes.

[ModeratelyObvious]

Cron isn't a wife, Gosh.

[CailinDana]

Cron if someone stuck something in your anus repeatedly despite you telling them not to would you really dismiss it as "bad manners"?

[StormyBrid]

You say no, he continues. Sounds like rape to me. In your position I'd be more than a bit pissed off, I'd be bloody furious, and if he did it more than once he'd be out on his ear.

[curlew]

'OP's bad mannered hubby is trying, but very badly failing, to get the OP to realise she might actually like it. ,

Bad mannered?

Bad mannered??????

[Patilla]

Are you ok OP?

[hellsbells76]

Is cronuallansw George Galloway? Fucking hell.

[ModeratelyObvious]

Because of the first three letters of cron's username, my mind's eye turns it into Cro Magnon Man.

[itisnotmereallyohnonotatall]

He is complaining about lack of sex (at least that's how I'm interpreting your post) and yet he repeatedly does something you don't like hmm twat.

My ex is just such a twat. He used to do this over anal (no really, contain your surprise ). By this stage he had raped me orally and vaginally. I ended up consenting (under duress) and he had anal sex on me whilst I cried and bit the pillow. My boundaries were shot to pieces - I had none whatsoever. I always used to think he never noticed when I cried during sex, which was a frequent thing, but when I challenged him on it once, he said that he always knew. Yet he carried on.

OP I'm not saying that your H is like my ex. BUT he is doing something which is against your will and wishes. He is doing something which is a crime. Why aren't you making a big deal about this? If he insisted on making you coffee every time you asked for tea would you say something?

I know it's scary. Reading responses like this (and others) are shocking but truly, you're not ok. It's not ok.

[Lavenderhoney]

If my dh did this we wouldn't be having sex. How can you relax and enjoy it if all he wants to do is stick his fingers up your bum, and you don't even like it? Does he think if he gets you excited you won't notice?

Is it a new thing he is doing? Or an old issue that's come back?

Maybe he thinks if he nags hard enough you will accept it. Tell him you don't like it, never will like it, and if it happens again you won't be able to have sex with him for ages, as its also a trust issue which will affect the rest of your marriage.

Is there anything else going on? Does he want to try this and might look elsewhere?

[Soditall]

I have to say I would seriously end up slapping him and very hard if that was done to me.

No I don't like it means No I don't like it!

[sillybilly007]

it depends on what it is, if it's something that is almost forcing you to do something you don't want i.e a position, type of foreplay etc, then yup agree that is very serious and i wouldn't put up with that.
i think in height of passion, some people forget don't theyand concentrate on their wants/needs instead of remembering the respect of others

[LesserSpottedNeckSnake]

Seriously, this is a big deal. You are entitled to go utterly batshit if someone, anyone, penetrates your body without your consent. The first time, he maybe thought you'd like it. You made it clear you didn't. He didn't do it again by accident. He did it because he likes it. You are not an accessory to his sex life. Obviously, it is up to you how you handle this and where your boundaries lie, but be in no doubt that this isn't a good dynamic for you currently. You should trust the person you are having sex with, and they shouldn't do anything to break that trust. You really do need to have that clear in your own mind.

[SmallTorch]

I had an ex like this. Eventually, one time he did anally rape me, though at the time I was confused about what happened. I had told him I didn't want to do it. I had toldhim I never wanted to try it. Many many very clear times.
When he actually did it though, I didn't ask him to stop, I was in such shock, and worried about what would happen if I did try to make him stop.
I broke up with him, though gave another reason to him, and only saw him again to collect my things from his place.

I often think about it, now, and whether I should have done something else. He was in the police so I wouldn't have gone to them, and the idea is quite strange to me that logically I think I should have done that, but I can't imagine doing so at all. I feel sad about that.

Anyway, I would be very scared of a man who didn't respect your choices about your own body. Also, think very hard about why you don't think you deserve that respect. Really, nobody should get the chance to do this repeatedly. Respect yourself. Get angry. Nobody, nobody, gets to treat you this way. No means fucking no.

[OxfordBags]

Have you read the thread, Billy? The OP has told us what it is and all these replies are about that.

I've never forgotten to respect my partner during sex. How come this nonsense is peddled about men?!

[Moochicken]

I've been quite surprised by the strength of feeling on this thread and it's made me feel uncomfortable. I really don't want to leave dh. We've been together for a very long time and have a young family. I must admit though that there are other issues in our relationship which make it less than great at the moment but I certainly would never worry about the situation deteriorating into sexual assault.

I think I'm going to leave this thread now and try to do something positive instead and look into couples counselling. Thanks to the people who had some useful advice on how to deal with this practically. I will discuss it with dh out of the bedroom and if it happens again I'll stop sex until he gets the message.

I hope this doesn't come across as dismissive of other people experiences of sexual assault but it really doesn't feel like that is the case in my situation.

[GettingStrong]

cronullansw you seem to be implying there is no line between bad manners and sexual assault.

OP this is exactly the problem, your husband is effectively training you to see no or little difference between bad manners and sexual assault. He can then, if he chooses, push it further and further. It is conditioning you to accept being abused, and it can be really damaging.

[curlew]

"i think in height of passion, some people forget don't theyand concentrate on their wants/needs instead of remembering the respect of others"

No they don't. Or certainly people you might want to have sex with more than once don't.

[Mojavewonderer]

My advice op is to withhold sex! Have that talk and warn him that of he gets carried away and does it again its instant ban and then off we go to relate or something like that because he's abiding your trust when he ignores your request and its not right! If you don't feel you can do that then trying ramming your finger (or a small vibe) up his arse and see how he likes it but to be fair lots of blokes like it. Good luck op I hope he stops and you can enjoy a good romp without worrying about naughty probing fingers!

[Mojavewonderer]

Err 'abiding' I meant 'abusing' obviously ;)

[Rooners]

OP, I've just read this thread - I am really sorry this has been happening to you.

It isn't so much what he is doing but the fact he is repeating it, knowing you dislike it.

He's got no respect for you.

I think on that simple basis alone I would be ending the relationship.

[Wellwobbly]

Moo, I am going to say something that might you.

And that is, have you thought that this might be HIS secret longing? ie, your finger up his bum?

The prostate gland is very sensitive and likes being massaged. A lot of men like this.

Do you give him bjs? How about a nice oral session and an internal massage? Blow his socks off.

Whilst VERY CLEARLY tellng him you do NOT like it for yourself.

I don't like this immediate LTB. I just think if you love someone, care about them, most other parts of your life is good, then you can change your attitude to certain sexual practices of another person, and allow them to express parts of their secret selves as long as it is not demeaning or humilitating.

I see no problem with this in the context of a loving marriage.

[LemonBreeland]

OP, it does seem that your DH does have a lack of respect for you. I would go batshit if my DH did something like that to me despite me repeatedly telling him no.

Have you discussed it with him outside of the bedroom at a calm time to try and make your point clear?