Dh keeps doing something I don't like in bed

[Moochicken]

Without wanting to go into too much detail, dh keeps doing something during sex which I don't like. I ask him not to and after a few minutes he does it anyway.

It doesn't happen every time but he did it again last night. He apologized after and said he won't do it again (he says this everytime) and now he can't understand why I'm still pissed off.

How seriously would you take this? If I said no and stopped sex he would listen and would never force me to do something but I still feel uncomfortable that he basically ignores my wishes.

[AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat]

To be honest OP if he does it every time you have sex then you aren't normally enjoying sex.

I know you may not want to make a big issue out of it but if you aren't enjoying it and it's making you uncomfortable and it's only he who enjoys it then it really is a big problem, isn't it?

[CailinDana]

Genuine question: why do you think your "no" isn't enoughto stop him?

[GetStuffezd]

I love him and enjoy sex with him the rest of the time.
That's absolutely fair enough. But what's so crashingly wrong is that you don't seem to be able to firmly take ownership of your own body and put an instant end to this. Why's he done it more than once?

[Fancies40Winks]

perfectstorm is dead right. This is a crime, a serious one, which under these circumstances gets a minimum of 2 years in prison. Why does he keep repeatedly assaulting you? Is he this abusive in other areas? Tell him the next time he does it you'll be reporting him to the police. Arrest, court, prison and being on the sex offenders register might put him off.

[Fairenuff]

I'm concerned about why you don't want to make a big deal of it?

I don't understand.

It is a big deal, it is sexual assault.

If you can't face 'the talk' then, yes, show him this thread, but why can't you talk about it?

(PS don't show him the thread if you don't want him to know your user name or see your other posts)

[Fairenuff]

Also, you say that if you asked him to stop, mid sex, he would. So, when he does this, why not just tell him to stop the sex altogether?

Is it because you don't really think he would stop?

[HerdyHerdwick]

I was just about to respond to the comment about not making a big deal,but read Fairenuff's post above and it says it all. To reiterate - it IS a big deal.

[thenightsky]

This very act killed my love for my ex eventually. He was forever trying to sneak a finger up there In the end I used to just leap off the bed and tell him he'd killed the mood.

[Xales]

It is a big deal and it is affecting you and your relationship or you wouldn't be posting about it.

How much love and respect do you have and how long will it last for a man who continues to violate your body for control or his pleasure (and this is what it is as you have said you don't like it on multiple occasions) against your will.

[Doinmummy]

Is this a new thing or has he only recently tried it? I'd want to know ( if it is only recent) where he's got the idea from.

[Doinmummy]

Sorry I meant to ask has he always tried it or is it just a recent thing

[fuzzpig]

He's penetrating you without your consent. It IS a big deal. If he was forcing you into anal sex it would presumably be more clear cut, but please don't belittle what he's doing just because it's his finger rather than his dick. As perfectstorm said it is a serious offence.

He is complaining about lack of sex (at least that's how I'm interpreting your post) and yet he repeatedly does something you don't like twat.

[OlympicSleepingChampion]

As others have said it is a huge deal and is assault.

But have you spoken to him about it in the cold light of day? Although 'no' should absolutely be enough just after you've had sex and he's tried and been re-buffed is he stupid enough to think that you just weren't in the mood 'that time' so that he keeps on trying his luck hoping that the next time you'll like it?

If not you really need to sit him down and spell it out so he is in absolutely no doubt how his actions make you feel. And that if he carries on this way he is very likely to turn you off having sex with him completely. Or of course report him for sexual assault.

[fuzzpig]

(I meant clear cut to you personally btw, ie you'd be more confident that it was wrong, sorry if my post didn't make sense)

[SolidGoldBrass]

OP, are you afraid that if you tell him to stop, he will continue assaulting you? Or that he is going to progress to raping you fairly soon? I'm sorry but if you fear these things, you are not wrong. He's displaying a rapist mindset - that what you want doesn't matter, and what he wants is far more important, and that your resistance is there to be worn down.

[scallopsrgreat]

Really I wouldn't show him this thread. He'll wriggle out of it somehow, whilst being completely disparaging to you (and us).

As CailinDana implied, your no should be enough. The fact that it isn't is very very worrying.

I'm also worried by your minimising of it and the fact it isn't a deal breaker. This isn't a misunderstanding, this is him violating your bodily integrity. A crime. And also, I found out tonight, a civil liberty.

Have a look at the rest of your relationship and see if he respects you and your decisions in other areas, even if he doesn't agree with them.

[CailinDana]

SGB is bang on unfortunately. What he's hoping is that eventually you'll stop telling him not to do it, then he'll progress to two fingers with the ultimate aim of having anal sex. My ex had overstepped so many boundaries it actually took me quite a while to realise he'd raped me.

[CailinDana]

The really insidious thing is that when you finally stop saying no because it clearly makes no difference he can reassure himself that of course it wasn't rape because you didn't say no.

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

It is him making this a big deal, by the way, not you. Because if he had done it once, you'd said you didn't like it and then it had not happened again, that would be something you could move on from. The fact that he's done it repeatedly and has taken no notice of you is what makes it a big deal.

[Shapechanger]

what's so crashingly wrong is that you don't seem to be able to firmly take ownership of your own body and put an instant end to this. Why's he done it more than once?

^^
this

[Fairylea]

Totally unacceptable.

Next time he tries it simply coldly get out of bed and go and sleep elsewhere. Or ask him to. Tell him it is assault and you will prosecute if he does it again.

Don't continue having sex with him!!

[AnyFucker]

Why aren't you angrier ?

he is sexually assaulting you, repeatedly

if the greengrocer inserted his finger in your arsehole over the lettuces, there would be hell to pay

it makes no difference that you are already having sex with your partner...he should not be doing something you have explicitly never given consent for

[stemstitch]

I had this exact same problem with an ex, and I'm afraid to say it did end up with him raping me. Except, I was unable to see that he had raped me because he had successfully broken down my boundaries. I posted about it on here and was shown the light...

[Sunnysummer]

Repeatedly attempting to penetrate you without permission is not just overstepping boundaries or being offputting, it's rape. Is this behaviour indicative of the way he treats you more generally? I

[OhDearNigel]

Technically he is committing the offence of sexual assault by penetration. Maybe you would like to mention that to him next time his "finger slips"

Or just keep doing something he dislikes over and over again until he gets the message.