Dh keeps doing something I don't like in bed

[Moochicken]

Without wanting to go into too much detail, dh keeps doing something during sex which I don't like. I ask him not to and after a few minutes he does it anyway.

It doesn't happen every time but he did it again last night. He apologized after and said he won't do it again (he says this everytime) and now he can't understand why I'm still pissed off.

How seriously would you take this? If I said no and stopped sex he would listen and would never force me to do something but I still feel uncomfortable that he basically ignores my wishes.

It might be his way of trying to tell you that's what he wants you to do to him. Just saying. I agree you should not do or have done to you anything you do not want.

You have to tell him VERY VERY CLEARLY that you hate this, and if he 'forgets' or thinks he can wheedle you into it, it's totally not going to happen. All bets are off. Sex stops.

Of course he should respect what he knows already, which is that you don't want this, but from wishful thinking, I bet he's kidding himself that in the heat of the moment you will go along with it.

Unless he is disrespectful in other ways, I would cut him some slack, but draw your line in the sand and make sure that he has no room to think that you might like it if you would only give it a chance etc.

Tell him firmly outside of a sexual situation that you are very definite about this, and let him know that he's out on his arse if it happens again.

It's not even that OP hasn't explicitly given consent for...she's asked him not to do it. It sucks that he's continued and would be a dealbreaker for me, absolutely.

And echo everything that's been said about porn, completely normalises anal sex, something that many women find repellent and given their feelings rightly refuse, or don't enjoy/find painful but provide as a sexual service to please their men.

Twenty or thirty years ago oral sex used to be joked about as something men wanted and got on their birthdays. Now they is not just mainstream but a given. But actually giving a bj isn't unenjoyable, and a woman can be in control. Not a problem, and we expect them to do the equivalent anyway.

But anal sex is all about power for a lot of men and for many women it hurts... I just hate the idea that by the time my dd are sexually active it will be something expected and normalised. In the 70s and 80s teenage boys shared a few sticky mags, now they can stream women getting a double anal on their phones. This generation of inadequates will be our daughters' choice of boyfriends.

It's sickening. I wish every woman who has done this against her desires or inclination would shove a massive dildo up the bloke's arse.

It ruins sex though- explain that you can't properly relax when he's even in the area iykwim, because you are always on high alert to stop that happening. It is your bottom line, so to speak, and he needs to understand that you won't compromise on it.

If you can completely trust your partner, you can do all sorts, and have great sex, but if you can't, then you will be constantly tense and vigilant, and it wrecks spontaneity. Make sure he understands that he is spoiling your sex life by not respecting the trust you both need.

OP. You say you ask him to stop. Perhaps you need to tell him no, strongly. Say you don't like it anf if he is so obsessed with it, you have a courgette in the fridge he can use up his own.

If he is one of those men that doesn't think that no means no and is so preoccupied with his own wants that he will continue to try something that is against your will, then I have to agree with the other posters that this is assault heading in the direction of rape. What if he gets drunk and forces his digits or penis nexttime?

Also I cannot bear to see you make excuses for this behaviour where you are actually blaming yourself, such as we don't have sex as often as we used to or he has a higher sex drive. This is no excuse. Is this reflective of how he treats you generally.

"Yes, we do need to know how invasive the thing is really, to decide if it's a dealbreaker."

Well we now know. But I couldn't"5 let this pass. NO WE DON'T!!!!!!!!

He does something repeatedly that the OP has said she doesn't trike and she has asked him to stop doing. It doesn't matter what is- from inviting the Argyll and Southerland Highlanders to march round the bedroom to wearing rabbit ears to biting her nipples. She has told him she doesn't like it, and he won't stop. I would not be going to bed with this man again.

You SHOULDbe making a big deal out of this, it is a very horrible, nasty, demeaning, controlling form of sexual assault. Repeated sexual assault. It is not happening because you are not having enough sex,nor for any other reason to do with you. It is happening because he does not see you as fully human, you are just a warm series of sex holes that he believes heshould have the right to do to as he pleases.

I also reckon he is punishing you for not having anal sex. Not that you should, of course.

It's also very humiliating and violating, isn't it, having him put his finger up your bum? Don't delude yourself that he doesn't realise this; this will be the lrecise thing that he gets a kick out of it, that keeps him doing it. Many abusers are perfectly pleasant in all areas except sexually - they know that it is so hard for women to reconcile their nice, helpful partner in the day with theman who ocassionally does weird, cruel, awful, abusive things in the bedroom. They know it makes it so hard for you to tell people, that you'dnever dare tell people what he does if you left him, etc.

It's not even just the act, which is vile enough as it is. It's what him doing this saysabout who he truly is, deep down. About how he views you, and women. About whepat he believes he is entitled to do to you. About how his sexual kinks matter more to him than your pain or indignity or humiliation. Andsticking a finger somewhere isn't that much fun for the person doing it, it's meant to be for the pleasure of the person on the receiving end. Whichis why this is all about him getting off on demeaming you.

You say you have 2Dc - do you have a son? How would you feel about him treating a woman this way when he'sgrown? Because he'sgrowing up with a father who finds it accaptable. He doesn't need to know ithappens for the attitude of aman who could do that to rub off on him. And do you have a DD? How do you feel about a man doing this to her when she's a woman? Would it be okay?would you tell her to leave?if so, why is it okay for you to stay?! Growing up with a father like that will damage her.

I must add thatmy less mature reply would be to tell you to put your finger up his arse every time you get intimate, see how he likes it (presuming he wouldn't).

It's very easy for us to say 'leave him', but very difficult for OP to reach the point of believing that that is what she must do. It took me so long, and other things happened - physical violence and rape - before I broke with him, but even then it wasn't immediate. It was easy to make excuses - the rape wasn't violent and he never hit me. If I had been married to him with children I don't think I would have left. It took a lot of people repeatedly telling me how wrong it was.

Shit on the weirdo.

This generation of inadequates will be our daughters' choice of boyfriends.

Wow.

This generation of 'inadequates' are our sons.

I am equally concerned about the damaging effect access to porn has on our sons, as on our daughters.

You HAVE said no and he IS doing this against your wishes.

Tell him again, when you are not in bed, that you do not ever want him to do this to you. He is not to "forget" just as you don't "forget" not to bite his cock or otherwise assault him in bed or out.

And be really careful OP.

You could well be right, Oxfordbags. Equally, he could just be thick enough to assume that in the right situation, and sufficiently aroused, his partner might enjoy it against her inhibitions. Men in particular get a lot of messages from our society that they have to take the lead and unleash women's real sexual desires, etc etc. It is a powerful myth.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt, unless he is abusive in other ways, and just spell it out very clearly.

If he doesn't take that on board, then fair enough, fuck him off.

I'd do it back to him, and have done to my own DH to make the point as I had the same problem! See how he likes it?

It's not something I would leave him over but I think I do need to lay down the law. I think part of the problem is that we don't have sex as often as we used to as we have 2 young children and I'm always knackered from getting up in the night with the baby. He has a much higher sex drive than me and we fall out over it quite a lot.

This makes me so sad for you to read this - You are excusing his behaviour which is abusive - This abuse of your body has nothing to do with you not having sex very often - its about his lack of respect for you.

I would have left him the 2nd time he did it.

I think you need to tell him you stop that or you leave. No man would do something to me that I didn't like more than once.

TwoTeaTessie

"I'd do it back to him, and have done to my own DH to make the point as I had the same problem! See how he likes it?"

So you're advising someone who is being subjected to sexual assault to respond by doing it back?

Never mind the fact that he may well be doing it because he would like it done to him.

Not great advice really.

Good god woman, stop making excuses for him. He has crossed a clear boundary that you have set. I would leave my OH if he did this to me. It's a violation of your body. And yes is sexual assault.

He is violating you OP.

Something like this should be discussed between partners beforehand, with the provisio that if either partner isn't into it, it doesn't get done again.

Not like this and I don't believe that for one second, he's forgetting that you said no to this before.

Maybe you should remind him that without your consent that could be classed as rape and as we livei the 21st century it is an offence to take ones wife.
How dare he.

Sorry RAPE not take

Oh yes, he knows what he is doing. All this 'forgetting' is just an act.

OMG....... it's the monthly bum sex worries thread.

Some of the responses here are incredibly odd - my fave was ''LT filthy B'' :) That is just funny. I assume it WAS supposed to be comedic?

He is doing it because anal sex is out there, the genie left that bottle a couple of thousand years ago, not only since video porn became so widely available. Just ask the ancient Greeks about contraception, they didn't even differentiate between a male or female recipient.

OP's bad mannered hubby is trying, but very badly failing, to get the OP to realise she might actually like it.

As has been said here, tell him firmly and clearly, and if he tries again, leave the bedroom.

Don't bother threatening to do it to him, it's a well known male erogenous zone, so no punishment really, unless you nails are long. Or sharp. Or long AND sharp :)

Do you ever enjoy sex now or do you just spend the whole time hoping he won't do it again? He is assaulting you, he has no respect for you and he will carry on until you stop saying no, then he will take it further. This would be a deal breaker for me.

Excuse me Shapechanger, please don't refer to our sons as "inadequate s". That's incredibly insulting. I presume you only have daughters?

"Bad mannered"?! Is that how the cool wifeys describe someone penetrating them in an unwanted manner?