Dh keeps doing something I don't like in bed

[Moochicken]

Without wanting to go into too much detail, dh keeps doing something during sex which I don't like. I ask him not to and after a few minutes he does it anyway.

It doesn't happen every time but he did it again last night. He apologized after and said he won't do it again (he says this everytime) and now he can't understand why I'm still pissed off.

How seriously would you take this? If I said no and stopped sex he would listen and would never force me to do something but I still feel uncomfortable that he basically ignores my wishes.

[freemanbatch]

moochicken, I am sorry that you feel that the people here are upsetting you by the way they are talking about your partner. 2 years ago I was you, I didn't see what people were telling me and I hated my husband being accused of sexual assault by other people because how could that be? he was my husband, the father of my children.

18 months ago he made a number of attempts to rape me over the course of one week, I talked to him whilst making tea one night to say I wasn't happy about it and yet that night he did it again. That was my lightbulb moment, that was the moment I realised I shouldn't have been in pain for days after sex, that I shouldn't have been bruised by his roughness and that what was going on wasn't bad sex it was all abusive and controlling and nothing to do with me I was just a body for him to use.

When I stood up to him and said no and made him sleep on the sofa because he refused to leave and I had no where to go, he turned on my kids. Screaming at them, knocking them over, bruising them and all the time telling me it was my fault because I was making him frustrated by withholding sex.

The people here have helped me to see my way through all this and to get him in front of the police and protect my children. They are not telling you he is sexually assaulting you because they want to upset you, they are saying it because they want to give you the strength to get out before he does something you may never come to terms with and before you become someone you don't recognise.

I truly hope you will do what makes you happy, what gives you the life you deserve as a free and independent adult whether that is staying with him and somehow getting him to respect you or whether that is finding someone else who loves you and cherishes you and respects your right to say no.

good luck.

[TheSilverySoothsayer]

That's what I said, wobbly - but not as well as you did.

[LIttleMissTickles]

I agree with wobbly too.

[Charbon]

OP everyone is right when they tell you that this is sexual assault.

But the thing you might find helpful to think about is that these assaults don't happen in a vacuum.

I imagine that there is quite a lot going on in your marriage that you have been trying to rationalise and convince yourself is acceptable.

For example, I'd be astonished if your husband didn't have a strong attachment to porn. If so, I wouldn't be surprised if you told us that you've never had a problem with it and have even defended porn on other threads.

Neither would I be surprised if there has been a context of your husband overriding your wishes and boundaries or that you have become inured to it over the years and have even convinced yourself that this is relatively normal in most marriages.

Sometimes in situations like this something happens that forces women to see that context in a new light. This can range from sexual violence, infidelity, financial secrets or one apparently discrete act that on first discovery, appears to be aberrant and isolated, but on reflection, really isn't.

It can be very uncomfortable too, especially if you've been bargaining away other behaviours and refusing to see the patterns that were forming.

So I'd urge you to reflect for a while and start 'seeing' your husband in a new light. This is quite frightening because it can mean re-evaluating your position and losing defences you've put in place in order to survive as a woman in this marriage. It can leave you very vulnerable when those cleverly crafted defences start to dissolve - and before you create new ones.

Please don't see these assaults as isolated events. That would be a terrible mistake.

Good luck.

[Charbon]

For the record, unwanted penetration with a finger is most definitely a sexual assault.

[Juniperdewdropofbrandy]

The truth hurts.

[Fancies40Winks]

xiaozhu this action is most definitely a very serious sexual offence "assault by penetration" contrary to section 2 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003.

[LadyMilfordHaven]

ha

Mumsnet doesnt like a compromise - will push you to leave him - EVERYTIME

[Rooners]

'I think he is probably just hoping that each time, in 'the heat of the moment', you'll suddenly find you like it. '

Would you think that was Ok and excusable if he was doing it with his penis?

[Fancies40Winks]

Oh sweet fuck. Xiaozhu you couldn't be more wrong.

[GoshAnneGorilla]

What?

Why on earth should she have to initiate a massive discussion just to stop her husband doing something she doesn't like.

No should be enough. Not no and a big long justification that needs to be suitably acceptable to the "d"h. Why the hell should his feelings be so prioritised over hers?

Curlew - sadly it seems we did need to know what "it" was, otherwise we would have even more excuses for the husband's "desires" then we do already.

[Xales]

^'Would you think that was Ok and excusable if he was doing it with his penis?'

Again, it would entirely depend on the context.^

Wow you really think there is a context where anything can be inserted into someone when they have repeatedly told someone else no?

[Pachacuti]

xiaozhu, can you please explain why 'technically' it isn't sexual assault under section 2 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003?

[Rooners]

Oh Ok Xiao - well we certainly know where you stand on rape, then.

Thankyou for clarifying.

[Xales]

If he wants a finger stuffed up his arse that is fine. OP doesn't that is fine.

He should respect that OP doesn't not do it when he feels like it anyway.

[Pachacuti]

Engaging in consensual sexual activity with the offender on the same occasion is listed as a factor to be considered in mitigation of sentence, but doesn't affect whether an offence has been committed.

[GettingStrong]

Wobbly I agree maybe he just wants her to do it to him, but if that's the case why not just ask? There's no need to ignore Moo when she says no.

Moo if you are still reading, sorry if this is upsetting but I had a similar experience to what Charbon describes with an ex. One of the things he did to me was exactly what your husband has done, ignoring totally what I wanted. The relationship seemed fine apart from what was happening sexually, and I thought it would all work out. It didn't, he slowly got worse. But which time the relationship had moved on and I felt trapped and stayed, whilst he carried on with the sexual abuse. For a long time I told myself it was ok and I was 'letting him' do X or Y to me, but that wasn't the reality. The reality was that he was abusing me and I couldn't see or accept it.

Obviously only you know what it going on in your relationship, but try not to kid yourself that it's ok for him to ignore you when you say no to something in bed.

[Rooners]

I'm astounded at the people concurring with Wellwobbly here.

Like that is the point!

He's doing it to HER. How the heck can that be justified by assuming it is his own secret fantasy to have it done to himself?

He's not a toddler. He could just, yunno, SAY so

[TheSilverySoothsayer]

Not justifying it, as my original post made clear, I hoped.

[Binkyridesagain]

So its okay to sexually violate someone because they have consented to sex with you?

Honestly I am speechless, how many times does the OP have to say NO before it can be classed as sexual assault?