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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh keeps doing something I don't like in bed

560 replies

Moochicken · 02/09/2013 22:10

Without wanting to go into too much detail, dh keeps doing something during sex which I don't like. I ask him not to and after a few minutes he does it anyway.

It doesn't happen every time but he did it again last night. He apologized after and said he won't do it again (he says this everytime) and now he can't understand why I'm still pissed off.

How seriously would you take this? If I said no and stopped sex he would listen and would never force me to do something but I still feel uncomfortable that he basically ignores my wishes.

OP posts:
HerdyHerdwick · 02/09/2013 22:27

Oh that's very out of order.

ShatnersBassoon · 02/09/2013 22:28

That's an awful thing to do against your wishes. He should be deeply ashamed of his behaviour, not carrying on regardless.

CailinDana · 02/09/2013 22:28

I've had it happen too op. Same guy raped me eventually (not anally just to be clear). Someone who ignores boundaries like this can't be trusted.

ageofgrandillusion · 02/09/2013 22:28

LT filthy B.

perfectstorm · 02/09/2013 22:29

Just refreshed. That's fucking appalling, I'm sorry but it's worse than I was imagining (I was assuming he grabbed your head and tried to thrust during a BJ or something - still bad, but could be semi-involuntary). You've said no and he violates your body knowing he's doing it without your consent? Does he know that's a crime?

Original poster
Moochicken · 02/09/2013 22:30

It's not something I would leave him over but I think I do need to lay down the law. I think part of the problem is that we don't have sex as often as we used to as we have 2 young children and I'm always knackered from getting up in the night with the baby. He has a much higher sex drive than me and we fall out over it quite a lot.

OP posts:
BitBewildered · 02/09/2013 22:30

Yes, that's very bad because he is violating your body and you've told him not to, so he knows you don't consent.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/09/2013 22:30

When he's asleep I'd shove a carrot up his arse

And then promise faithfully not to do it again

LoisPuddingLane · 02/09/2013 22:30

I don't understand the (mainly) male obsession with bum holes. You've got a perfectly nice and functional hole up the front and what do they want? To stick things up what is technically a one way street.

ZeroTolerance · 02/09/2013 22:30

I knew that's what it would be.

He is violating you. A finger in your bum is not so very different from a penis in your vagina - if he did the latter after you'd said no, it'd be rape.

MissMarplesBloomers · 02/09/2013 22:31

Slap or knee him in the balls, and ask him when he asks why if having that done repeatedly is acceptable.

Repeat till he stops.

GetStuffezd · 02/09/2013 22:31

OP this is totally unacceptable and shows clearly your partner doesn't give a toss about you or your pleasure.

This is horrible but I promise it happened a few years ago - I had an ex (who co-incidentally I've just mentioned on another thread!) who constantly did this to me and ALWAYS went on about anal sex.

One night when we were DTD and he was drunk he forced his penis into my anus unexpectedly and I have never felt pain like it. I was bleeding well into the next day. Due to being utterly messed up and emotionally abused, I was all over the place the next day, believing I'd done something wrong, etc etc. I HATE the fact I could have avoided this if I'd dumped him sooner.
Please don't let him keep doing this to you.

MaryLovesDick · 02/09/2013 22:32

I think that is a total abuse of your trust and your body and I would tell him to get to fuck.

Can you honestly say you still find him attractive sexually or emotionally after he has repeatedly done that? He knows you don't like it and still he continues. Eugh.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 02/09/2013 22:33

Next time you are moving towards having sex, tell him beforehand that he absolutely must not do it this time and it is a major thing for you if he does. If he complains you've spoilt the mood or whatever, you can point out that his 'habit' does exactly that for you. And yes, as others have said, definitely stop immediately if it does happen and a halt to the sex life for the foreseeable future.

BitBewildered · 02/09/2013 22:33

So his way of helping you to enjoy the sex you do have is to do something to you that he knows you hate? What a cock.

LoisPuddingLane · 02/09/2013 22:33

Part of the problem is they see it on porn, where EVERY woman has a willing and open sphincter and apparently doesn't even need lube. It seems to give them the idea that all women want this. Some women do. But if you don't and you say you don't, he should bloody leave off.

givemeaboost · 02/09/2013 22:35

oooh moo, I have an ex who did that. I disliked also but luckily he only tried it a few times.

GetStuffezd · 02/09/2013 22:35

Part of the problem is they see it on porn, where EVERY woman has a willing and open sphincter and apparently doesn't even need lube. It seems to give them the idea that all women want this
Absolutely this.

perfectstorm · 02/09/2013 22:36

I think part of the problem is that we don't have sex as often as we used to

Bollocks. Sorry, but bollocks. That's you taking responsibility for his choice to sexually assault his wife.

You have said no. He is penetrating your body knowing that you have said no and knowing he is doing it without consent and against your expressed wishes. That's a criminal offence. It's a very big deal. Please don't try to make out it's your fault - if he raped you and then argued he had a high sex drive and you were tired and didn't want sex much, would you think that was a legitimate argument?

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat · 02/09/2013 22:37

Some people like that kind of thing but you don't, so he has to respect that.

Like I said previously whenever he does it grab his hand, stand up from the bed and go into the bathroom. Take a few minutes, come back in and refuse to continue.

He will get the message if you do this every time religiously.

He probably thinks you are saying no as a joke. Not that it makes it right, but he's not using his brain in any which way and analysing how you are responding. Make him do so by what I mentioned above.

Helltotheno · 02/09/2013 22:37

Save yourself years of grief OP: dump him tomorrow.

Original poster
Moochicken · 02/09/2013 22:38

I might just show him this thread and then he can see that I'm not overreacting.

The problem is that I want him to stop doing it but I don't want to make it into a huge problem. I love him and enjoy sex with him the rest of the time.

OP posts:
VenusRising · 02/09/2013 22:38

Do you know that that is sexual assault?
You could go to the police and have him arrested, and charged.

Do tell him that.

So sorry you are with this dick.

Give your local rape crisis centre a ring if you need to talk to someone who is there to listen just to you.

hugoagogo · 02/09/2013 22:38

eek no! I would shoot up the bed and ask him what the fuck he was doing?

Please don't be subtle with him.

perfectstorm · 02/09/2013 22:39

Assault by Penetration

For this offence to be committed, 4 elements must be present:
A person intentionally penetrates the vagina or anus of another person with a part of his body or anything else;
The penetration is sexual;
The other person does not consent to the penetration;
The first person does not reasonably believe that the second person consents.
Assault by penetration is an indictable-only offence, meaning that it can only be tried in the Crown Court. The maximum sentence if found guilty is life imprisonment.

Seriously. It's a crime.

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