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Original poster

father'd a child??

173 replies

lovinmum123 · 28/08/2013 12:19

Hi all im new to this but would like some advice as im too ashamed to talk to my friends and family.
iv been with my partner for 9years and we have a 6year old together. We split up lastyear after going through a rough patch and in the months we wernt together he had a one night stand and the girl got pregnant. She messaged him and he told her to get rid of it but she didnt. We got back together with me knowing all this and then the baby was born this year and he wanted nothing to do with it but he's now paying for the baby and has now turned around and said he wants to see the child and i just can not cope. Im constantly crying im so hurt. I dont want him to see the child but who am i to stop him. I love him but not sure i can carry all this hurt around.i know its not the childs fault but he didnt ask for this but feels he should be a good person and be a dad to the child am i being selfish? Im just so confused and devastated..... :-(

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 28/08/2013 12:23

I'm afraid that you are being selfish yes, but it is totally understandable. I would be devastated too if I were you. But it comes down to the fact that, whatever the circumstances of its conception, the child has the right to know its father and you shouldnt stand in the way of that.

How is the rest of your relationship?

Hulababy · 28/08/2013 12:25

Think of it this way...

How would you feel if he had stayed with this woman and she had told him he wasn't allowed to see your daughter

I can imagine this is really hard and difficult for you. It must bring back all the hurt.

However, would you really want to be with the type of man who could ignore his own child and have nothing to do with him/her? Of coursehe needs to the the right thing for this baby - he is the father and needs to behave as such - not just financially, but emotionally too.

This baby is also a sibling to your daughter. Do you want your daughter to not be allowed to know her own sibling at all?

LoisPuddingLane · 28/08/2013 12:25

I think your feelings are normal, but so are his. And think of it the other way round - if you were the ONS who had the baby (I cannot think badly of her as it more or less happened to me that way), would you not want the father involved?

It does not seem from what you say that she wants a relationship with your partner.

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 28/08/2013 12:26

Wow! He told her to get rid of it? He didn't want anything to do with the baby when it was born? He didn't ask for this?

Fucking lovely partner you've got there haven't you?

You knew all this when you got back together with him. If you want to be with this arse then you'll have to suck it up.

Yes, you are being selfish.

rainbowfeet · 28/08/2013 12:31

Is it more that seeing the child means seeing the mother too & you do not trust your other half??!!

Tiptops · 28/08/2013 12:38

'We got back together with me knowing all this and then the baby was born this year and he wanted nothing to do with it but he's now paying for the baby and has now turned around and said he wants to see the child'

I think the crux of the matter is that he is telling you one thing then doing the other. He shouldn't be saying things to appease you if he doesn't really mean them.

I do 100% believe he should be providing for the child, it is no less than equal to your DC. I can also understand why he would want a relationship with the child, and for the child's sake I think it would be a positive thing.

The baby is now a part of your family, and a half sibling to your own DC. I know it must seem impossibly hard but would you consider meeting the child with your partner?

Viking1 · 28/08/2013 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 28/08/2013 13:32

I'd feel exactly the same in your circumstances. I too would feel that this child shouldn't become part of my family. But on the other hand this is not the child's doing so I think you should focus on this fact and then perhaps it will be easier. A child should not suffer for what it's parents have done. And the child's interests should come first.

Lweji · 28/08/2013 13:35

I agree with HotDog.

I'm not sure I'd like (let alone love) a partner who told someone to get rid of a baby and then not want to have anything to do with that child.

If you are worried about him and the mother of the child, then reassess your relationship.

Otherwise, you should consider that child as a step child and treat him/her ("it"??? Hmm) as you would any children from previous relationships.
You may not actually love the baby (although as the baby grows it may change) but you should welcome the child in your lives.

pictish · 28/08/2013 13:38

I agree with hotdog - you both sound cold and self serving, to be honest.

pictish · 28/08/2013 13:44

She messaged him and he told her to get rid of it but she didnt.

Did he? That was kind of him. What a catch you have there! Hmm

dufflefluffle · 28/08/2013 13:49

No advice but what a nightmare and I feel so sorry for you. I would be devastated and I would not be able to stay with him.

She messaged him and he told her to get rid of it but she didnt.
I imagine he was in a state of panic pictish

getmeoutofthismadhouse · 28/08/2013 13:49

I think your feelings are normal. When I got with my now ex he didn't realise the mother of his other dc was very early pregnant as he split with her and we met soon after. The news broke my heart. I was torn between feeling for our relationship and the child. In my head I was a horrible person but as a Mum I couldn't say my feelings outloud. I think it will become easier as time goes on and you have got used to the idea. Hopefully the child can bond with you and your child and then he/she will feel more apart of your family rather than the reason you are feeling as you do.
It's going to be hard though. Share your feelings with your partner and let him reassure you .

pictish · 28/08/2013 13:50

Even so.

pictish · 28/08/2013 13:54

If I was in this position, the only way I could see forward, would be for my husband to step up to the plate and take responsibility for his child!
I could have no respect for him if he didn't.

DragonsAreReal · 28/08/2013 13:54

I sort of did this OP, have a dd and ds, split up with nowagainex and he fathered a child with someone he was sleeping with. We didn't get back together till his dd was 2 and she's now almost 4.

I tried so hard, I was completely fine about his other older dc he had but I couldn't deal with his Disney parenting and my unreasonable jealously of there relationship and constantly compared it to him and our dd. I 100% put in my all to have this little girl part of our family but it didn't work and one of the main reasons were not together now.

Leavenheath · 28/08/2013 14:16

Sorry but he sounds awful.

It sounds like it's taken him far too long to get his head around that he was equally responsible for the conception of a child who he commanded should be aborted, just because it didn't suit him. He had a choice alright. He chose not to use contraception or protection against sexually transmitted diseases. His ONS partner had some choices too, but unlike him it sounds like she's lived with them.

If he's belatedly paying his whack now and trying to be a father to his child, no way should you discourage it. Whether you can continue a relationship with a man who's got a child elsewhere who'll have a claim on your finances and time for the next 20 years is another matter. As is whether you really think a man who's behaved like this is worth a light.

I don't, but I'm not you.

cory · 28/08/2013 14:25

So you could live with the hurt of knowing that he had fathered this child and she was out there, as long as he neglected her and didn't fulfill any responsibilities towards her? You say "but he is now paying for it" as if your expectations had been that he would refuse to contribute to the upkeep of his own child? As long as this little child was able to say "my dad doesn't care about me, he doesn't want to know me" it would all somehow be ok?

I'm sorry but that is really horrible, you need help to work through your feelings here.

The truth is, he did ask for it. In the sense in which we all ask for it, because we all know that having sex might result in the birth of a child. And once that has happened, no he doesn't have a choice. He is legally responsible for maintenance of the child and he is morally responsible for showing the child that she is cared for if even at a distance. This isn't something that he could choose differently about to spare you. It is how things are.

Supposing you split up again- would you really think it right if he were to pretend your 6yo did not exist because his new partner couldn't handle it?

cory · 28/08/2013 14:28

And let's be clear about it: it was not the original conception of the child that was a betrayal of the OP: they had split up so he was free to have sex with whoever he wanted. He wasn't to know they would get together again, she had no claims on him. He did not cheat when this child was conceived.

The betrayal would lie in letting her see that she is in a relationship with a shithead who could abandon his own child.

pictish · 28/08/2013 14:30

Totally agree Cory.

WhoNickedMyName · 28/08/2013 14:32

By being with him, this is what you've chosen.

If he really wants contact with the child then this is just the tip of the iceberg.

There will be Christmases and birthdays at which he may choose to spend time with the child (and its mother), holidays, days out, parents evenings at school... This is just the beginning.

So either suck it up or bin him. They are your only choices.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 28/08/2013 14:34

I dont think you are being selfish op.

If i was in your shoes, if he saw that child, it would be the end for us. I just couldnt bear it.

But im not very good at accepting a man who has chidren.

pictish · 28/08/2013 14:37

In what way is that not selfish goingup?
It's not generous or giving is it? It's utterly selfish.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 28/08/2013 14:41

Its not selfish if the op doesnt want a child coming inbetween her husband and child family unit.

Its not selfish for the op to not want hassle from the other childs mother, because thats what you get when parents are not together.

I wouldnt be around if he saw that child.

pictish · 28/08/2013 14:42

Yes...yes - it IS selfish.
It's taking care of your own interests over and above what is good for everyone. It's the very definition of selfish.

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