Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

father'd a child??

173 replies

lovinmum123 · 28/08/2013 12:19

Hi all im new to this but would like some advice as im too ashamed to talk to my friends and family.
iv been with my partner for 9years and we have a 6year old together. We split up lastyear after going through a rough patch and in the months we wernt together he had a one night stand and the girl got pregnant. She messaged him and he told her to get rid of it but she didnt. We got back together with me knowing all this and then the baby was born this year and he wanted nothing to do with it but he's now paying for the baby and has now turned around and said he wants to see the child and i just can not cope. Im constantly crying im so hurt. I dont want him to see the child but who am i to stop him. I love him but not sure i can carry all this hurt around.i know its not the childs fault but he didnt ask for this but feels he should be a good person and be a dad to the child am i being selfish? Im just so confused and devastated..... :-(

OP posts:
pictish · 28/08/2013 16:04

Why will it destroy her?

TheAwfulDaughter · 28/08/2013 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

cory · 28/08/2013 16:07

Yes, but it has to be a compromise that takes into account the needs of a small child to feel valued.

I've said it before: supposing they split up again and the dp's new wife doesn't want to know of the existence of their 6yo- what kind of compromise would we consider acceptable?

Jammee · 28/08/2013 16:11

If the dad is going to be involved with the new child he needs to do it whole-heartedly. Anything less than total inclusion from the dad will hurt the child and in that situation, the child would be better off with no contact. (Total inclusion does not need to involve OP and her children if the OP doesn't wish it).

If the OP can't accept his full involvement in the child's life and that is what her partner intends to give, she needs to end the relationship.

It's that simple, really. Painful, but pretty clear what's right and what's not.

TheAwfulDaughter · 28/08/2013 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cloudhoney · 28/08/2013 16:12

I don't think there is anything wrong with how you feel op, I would feel the same. But there is something wrong with acting on those feelings. You have to decide if you can come to terms with this child in your lives, or leave the relationship. I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be really tough.

cory · 28/08/2013 16:13

Like Awful's post of 16:05. The truth is the dp behaved stupidly and like a headless chicken when you got back together; he promised things that he couldn't possibly keep and this is now coming back to haunt you both. It is tough, it is very tough. You will have to have a long look at your relationship and practical arrangements.

But don't forget, now that the reality has hit him, he has two children, not one. Whatever you tell him is all right to do to the other child would have to be all right for your child too. This is particularly important if you think you might split up.

I don't think anyone can ask you to become instantly involved with this child or open your arms to it or anything. That would probably be impossible and risky. So you need to find practical solutions which help him to be good father without the child ever finding out how you feel- because that would be horrible to a small child.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 28/08/2013 16:14

Cory

Thats a completely different situation though.

The op would already know he had children before she became emotionally attached to him. However he has fathered another child when she had been attached to him for years, which is not the same thing as someone new coming on the scene once a child is already there.

pictish · 28/08/2013 16:16

It wouldn't destroy me. Nothing even approaching it. Why would it? How could the arrival of a child destoy me?!
I would be PROUD of my husband stepping up to the plate like a good man should. I would be horrified if he didn't!

The only people who would be destroyed by something like this, are childish, selfish babies who haven't got the maturity, or generosity of spirit to accept that his child is there and must be loved and provided for, just as their own children expect and enjoy.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 28/08/2013 16:16

The op seems to have disappeared

Chubfuddler · 28/08/2013 16:16

Without wanting to sound like Ross from Friends, they were on a break. Or rather had split up, for all they knew for good.

I'm not going to be prescribed to by my ex as to when I can have sex with someone else, I don't expect to do so with him.

This is a creative writing exercise isn't it? No one could actually be this naive.

cory · 28/08/2013 16:17

I understand what you are saying, GoingUp, about being emotionally attached to him, but she still had a choice about whether she got back with him or not. She was an adult making a choice, she could have said she couldn't cope with the idea of him having another child.

TheAwfulDaughter · 28/08/2013 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

cory · 28/08/2013 16:22

I have to admit it would destroy me if I found out the my dh had been prepared to hide away a child of his and pretend it didn't exist. It would destroy my faith in him, it would destroy my belief in him as someone I should have allowed to father my own children, it would destroy my trust that he would always be there for them regardless of what happened to our relationship. If he was capable of agreeing to that once, I wouldn't trust him around my children either.

If he decided to behave like an adult and a real father, it might make life difficult, indeed it probably would. But at least I could cling to some belief in him as a half decent human being. The OP at least has that. It's worth something. He thought he could abandon his child and now he finds he can't. That is a real strength. Don't forget, he is the father of your child too.

cory · 28/08/2013 16:24

But Awful, could you stay with a man who was prepared to quietly dump his own child? Could you ever trust him? Would you really want him for a dp? Would you want him around your child?

pictish · 28/08/2013 16:26

cory - I could not have put it better. Ching ching! Wine

TheAwfulDaughter · 28/08/2013 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

cory · 28/08/2013 17:02

I can see your point about not getting back with him in the first place, Awful: that is a choice the OP could have made. But she didn't. She accepted a deal that entailed the dp behaving like a shit. But struggles to accept him doing the decent thing.

cory · 28/08/2013 17:04

just realised that I have no idea what dh got up to during the 18 months we were separated, never occurred to me to ask, any more than I think he owes me an account of who he slept with before he met me

but if I found out he had failed to care for a child he would be out of here tomorrow- and that is after 30 happy years together

Tilpil · 28/08/2013 17:13

First off at the end of the day i would say is that as much as u love him u can't deal with that he had a one night stand and whilst u don't see the child no contact etc it can be like it didn't happen unfortunatly it will be there in your face every time you see said child I think u need to look at how u feel I know I wouldn't cope with it as I would want all contact etc stopped but that isn't possible so I would walk but then I know I would make myself and hubby miserable every time he mentioned said child even without meaning too.

TheAwfulDaughter · 28/08/2013 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pictish · 28/08/2013 17:40

Fair enough awful - but surely you can see that that would make the problem yours?
You can't grudge a child paternal care because you have jealousy issues!!

pictish · 28/08/2013 17:52

I mean...that would be totally cuntish wouldn't it?

Bogeyface · 28/08/2013 18:36

The OP's partner has a duty to this child, for contact and financial support, but OP does not have a duty to pretend this is all a lovely little situation and be happy with it.

This.

I said in my first post that the OP was being selfish and that the child had a right to have a relationship with its father, but I totally understand how she feels. They were both so desperate to make everything ok that he made promises he couldnt keep (no matter how much he meant them at the time) and she accepted his word.

Of course now reality has bitten, and it hurts. I do think that the father should see and support the child but I am a bit Shock at the suggestions that not only should the OP accept this (fair enough) but that she should be proud of him doing the right thing. The OP owes the child and its mother nothing, sorry but its a fact, the child is nothing to do with her.

Yes he should do the right thing but the OP doesnt have to like it.

Bogeyface · 28/08/2013 18:37

You can't grudge a child paternal care because you have jealousy issues!!

She isnt saying that though is she? She is saying that because of her jealousy issues she couldnt continue in a relationship like this and avoids relationships with men who already have children. I would say that she is far more self aware than alot of women who marry a man with kids and then kick off at the time he spends with them (yes exH's wife, I am looking at you).

Swipe left for the next trending thread