Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

father'd a child??

173 replies

lovinmum123 · 28/08/2013 12:19

Hi all im new to this but would like some advice as im too ashamed to talk to my friends and family.
iv been with my partner for 9years and we have a 6year old together. We split up lastyear after going through a rough patch and in the months we wernt together he had a one night stand and the girl got pregnant. She messaged him and he told her to get rid of it but she didnt. We got back together with me knowing all this and then the baby was born this year and he wanted nothing to do with it but he's now paying for the baby and has now turned around and said he wants to see the child and i just can not cope. Im constantly crying im so hurt. I dont want him to see the child but who am i to stop him. I love him but not sure i can carry all this hurt around.i know its not the childs fault but he didnt ask for this but feels he should be a good person and be a dad to the child am i being selfish? Im just so confused and devastated..... :-(

OP posts:
cory · 28/08/2013 15:19

GoingUpInTheWorld Wed 28-Aug-13 15:00:33
"That should say thats not what the op signed up for so to speak"

But she should have known that she had no right to sign up for that, because he had no right to try to get out of his responsibilities as a father.

Supposing the OPs dp falls in love with somebody else now and walks out of their relationship. And supposing the new woman wants to put her feelings first. Would that make it right for him not to support their 6yo and try to pretend he doesn't exist? And what would the OP think of a woman who insisted on that?

Agreements can only be made about things that are actually possible and decent.

gertrudetrain · 28/08/2013 15:20

The only one who this situation is 'not fair' on is that child. The OP agreed to the relationship with the full knowledge that this child existed. I am Shock that any parent wouldn't know that the situation was bound to change over the course if the child's life. If I was the OP I would be more worried about whether the father was going to give up on their child as easily as he wanted nothing to do with the baby if some other woman who took his fancy told him too. ALL the adults in this scenario sound way too selfish to be bringing up any children. FFS this isn't just about who is/has shagged someone, whether on a break or not. It's about creating children who deserve fair and loving families and secure attachments.

cory · 28/08/2013 15:22

When you marry someone you are a team. But that doesn't mean one spouse can suggest something that is illegal or morally wrong and insist that the other spouse has to respect his feelings.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 28/08/2013 15:22

The ops dh does support the child financially.

Would i would like to know though,is why has the ops dh had a sudden change of heart?

Weelady77 · 28/08/2013 15:22

I don't think your being selfish as your probably so hurt!

You probably never thought he'd see this child and now slap bang he wants to see it, I agree it's not the child's fault but you can't help your feelings I'd be the same!

Chubfuddler · 28/08/2013 15:24

The op suggests the financial support is new too.

cory · 28/08/2013 15:24

Yes, Goingup, but the OP speaks of his financial support as if this was something she had not expected:

"We got back together with me knowing all this and then the baby was born this year and he wanted nothing to do with it but he's now paying for the baby "

Does that sentence tell you that helping to support the baby financially was part of the original deal with the OP or does the "but now" not suggest something rather different?

HappyMummyOfOne · 28/08/2013 15:26

Having unprotected sex with another partner can lead to much more than just pregnancy so hope he was checked after.

You are an adult, you have two choices. Either stay with him knowing that you will become a step mum or leave. Many people dont want a relationship with somebody who is already a parent but your situation is more complicated as you have a child to think about.

For the childs sake dont do this if you dont want too, having a step mum who clearly resents you will remain with the child all her life.

gertrudetrain · 28/08/2013 15:27

You can't just go around creating children and then deciding that 'you want nothing to do with it' and nor can you ask a mother or father to not be involved in bringing up the child. It's just morally very wrong. I would be looking at myself long and hard if I was reacting to this situation in the way described by the OP. Her and her dp are adults and need to grow up and act like it.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/08/2013 15:27

If you do put your feelings aside in this, and allow dp to have contact with the child

Goingup - it's not THE child - it's HIS child!
And 'allow' contact! Really?????

I'm Shock at all this.

OP - lots of people have already said it.
It's your DC sister! I have 2 half sisters who I love dearly.
I would hate to be without them.
Decision time - deal with it or end the relationship for good.

Viking1 · 28/08/2013 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cory · 28/08/2013 15:34

I wonder what we would have said if the OP had involved a woman who had agreed to please her partner by never having anything to do with her child conceived during a break-up. Or of a male partner who thought this was going to work. It's the sort of thing that went on in the Victorian era- hiding the child of shame.

TheAwfulDaughter · 28/08/2013 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

cory · 28/08/2013 15:43

How can you reasonably call them "sexcapades", AwfulDaughter? They had split up, surely it was a reasonable assumption that he was free to move on? How was he to know that the OP would change her mind? Did she tell him? Are people supposed to remain celibate after a failed relationship?

You admit that the dp has a duty of contact, but it is contact that the OP is trying to forbid.

Don't really see the point of telling the OP this will destroy her.

Far more helpful would be to say:

Yes, this is tough for you. But you have to realise that this is how things are. It will harder for you if you refuse to accept it. And much much harder to think about afterwards if you behave badly towards a being who is far more vulnerable than you, i.e. the child.

TheAwfulDaughter · 28/08/2013 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

cory · 28/08/2013 15:45

The truth is, the child is not going to go away. One day it will be a teenager. Who may well, in all innocence, trace his/her father and turn up on your doorstep all eager for a relationship. Will the OP then explain that "yes, I did know of you when we got together but I made dp promise never to have any contact with you or be a father for you in any way. He agreed because my feelings were more important than yours"? This is a real child. Who will be a real teenager one day. And then a real adult.

cory · 28/08/2013 15:47

How do we even know it was the dp who came sobbing back, AwfulDaughter? How do we know it was him who broke the relationship off in the first place? You are making a lot of assumptions here.

And in any case, I don't see how moral indignation with the father affects the need to consider the child. Or are you suggesting that the child went on sexcapades too?

Jammee · 28/08/2013 15:51

My parents divorced when I was 4. My Dad started and new relationship and had two more children. They live with him and get the best of everything. They have had a privileged upbringing. In comparison, we were very poor (My mum now a single parent of 3 and living off benefits) and never had holidays and were second class kids in my dad's eyes. He used to take us to the shops and by milkshakes and cakes for his other kids, get us back to his house, give them to his new kids and give nothing to us.

I hate my half siblings and have no real affection for my dad.

Yours is a difficult situation because his new child will either need to be fully included or not included at all otherwise they will grow up feeling inferior to your children (the ones that don't live with their dad's often do). At the same time, you also need to protect your children and understand that they may not like this new child or want a relationship with it.

I feel very sorry for you. I could not continue in a relationship such as yours.

TheAwfulDaughter · 28/08/2013 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheAwfulDaughter · 28/08/2013 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

cory · 28/08/2013 15:57

She did say "I dont want him to see the child" and seemed to suggest that the original deal was that he should not support the child. But fair enough, that may just have been speaking in anger. She certainly agreed on an original deal that involved no contact between father and child.

As for the mourning period, who decides exactly how long it should be?
Supposing the OP had been ready to come out of the mourning period before her dp, would he have had the right to dictacte to her exactly the number of months that should pass before she was allowed?

And how do you know whether a broken relationship is a rough patch or a real break? When dh told me he wanted us to break off I accepted that he meant it and that he was therefore free. I would have been very pissed off if he had thought he had the right to tell me exactly how long I should mourn for him. We did get back together eventually but that didn't invalidate that it was a break at the time.

cory · 28/08/2013 15:59

"The child has a mother and father, they are the ones that need to consider the child. And love it and support it and care for it and be amazing parents.

OP doesn't though. OP has no duty to this child. If she chooses to stay with her husband, then of course she does and must BE supportive even if she thinks otherwise (and her lack of enthusiasm is understandable. She is hurting)"

Absolutely agree with this. But it can't happen if the OP expects her dp to abide by some original deal not to be there for his child.

Of course walking out would be perfectly within her rights.

cory · 28/08/2013 16:01

And it is not a given that it will destroy her. Some people come to terms with horrendously difficult things and cope. Others take a look at them and decide that this is beyond me. Both perfectly fair. The only thing that would not be fair would be to try to deny the state of things altogether.

LIZS · 28/08/2013 16:01

Even if op leaves she will need to accept that her child will have to share her father's time and resources with his other child, as he so chooses.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 28/08/2013 16:03

Cory

There should be a compromise where everyone is happy though

Swipe left for the next trending thread