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Original poster

father'd a child??

173 replies

lovinmum123 · 28/08/2013 12:19

Hi all im new to this but would like some advice as im too ashamed to talk to my friends and family.
iv been with my partner for 9years and we have a 6year old together. We split up lastyear after going through a rough patch and in the months we wernt together he had a one night stand and the girl got pregnant. She messaged him and he told her to get rid of it but she didnt. We got back together with me knowing all this and then the baby was born this year and he wanted nothing to do with it but he's now paying for the baby and has now turned around and said he wants to see the child and i just can not cope. Im constantly crying im so hurt. I dont want him to see the child but who am i to stop him. I love him but not sure i can carry all this hurt around.i know its not the childs fault but he didnt ask for this but feels he should be a good person and be a dad to the child am i being selfish? Im just so confused and devastated..... :-(

OP posts:
bishboschone · 28/08/2013 18:40

My dh bio dad wife stopped him meeting and seeing dh . Dh bio dad is now dead and he never got to meet him. I hate her for that , it was dh choice to be born and in my opinion however that life was created it should be the priority . I understand you are upset but don't deny that child a chance to know his father .

pictish · 28/08/2013 18:48

Hmm...but to be constantly crying isn't exactly handling it like an adult either is it? No one expects the OP to be punching the air with glee, but moping and weeping because her oh wants to support his own baby isn't right thinking in the least.
Who knows...maybe if she keeps the tears up for long enough, he'll abandon his child and all will be well again. Hmm

TheAwfulDaughter · 28/08/2013 18:51

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Leavenheath · 28/08/2013 18:51

If a father stops seeing his children or paying for them and blames his partner for stopping him, he's lying.

What he's actually saying is that he elected to put his sexual relationship before his kids and that was a choice freely made. Hiding behind women's skirts and making them take the blame for your own shitty behaviour is pretty contemptible in my book.

pictish · 28/08/2013 18:56

I agree Leavenheath.

bishboschone · 28/08/2013 19:02

"Wasn't his choice !" Even

pictish · 28/08/2013 19:02

I agree awful. It's one or the other really isn't it?

Hissy · 28/08/2013 19:27

He tells his ONS to 'get rid of it', OP doesn't want him to have anything to do with the child.

Sheesh, talk about a shitty match made in heaven.

The poor kid'd be better off without either one of you in their life.

Hint: Blokes who don't accept responsibility for their offspring are not blokes you stay with.

Any more than revolting women who insist on coming between a child and their father.

Bogeyface · 28/08/2013 20:34

Any more than revolting women who insist on coming between a child and their father.

Bit harsh. The OP hasnt said that she would do that, just that she is gutted at how things have turned out and she is upset.

I agree with you btw, my ex's wife did exactly this and is a bitch of the first order imo, but nowhere has the OP said that she will do the same.

KittyVonCatsworth · 28/08/2013 21:01

A one night stand and she gets pregnant? Either un/lucky or it was a relationship on the burner either before/just after your break. However, cynicism aside, the guy is a dad, regardless. He needs to man up. Hard though it is, you really have to try and integrate the new sibling. I had the same situation with DD, but with 4, yes 4, other sibling, 2 of which are of similar age. Despite what I think of the cock, it's her family, she wants contact and in her interests, I'll continue to do whatever I can to facilitate and maintain that.

You're not a bad person for thee feelings, but you just have to manage it I'm afraid xx

perfectstorm · 28/08/2013 21:15

There is nothing wrong with putting your own family and feelings first sometimes.

There is everything in the world wrong with thinking your own selfish needs matter more than an innocent baby's right to a childhood and relationship with their own father. Children's rights trump adults. If an adult doesn't know that then their own children are in real trouble according to every CAFCASS officer and family judge in this country.

An adult putting their own feelings ahead of a baby's most basic and fundamental rights is totally selfish. Yes.

perfectstorm · 28/08/2013 21:18

OP that isn't aimed at you. You are human and so are your feelings, but you acknowledge the fact is he has a right to see the child. I think you need to turn that around: the child has a right to see HIM. To know his or her own father, as well as be financially helped. And not just a right - they have a need, too.

It's only a little baby. It's not an affair or a crime or anything terrible. Just a tiny child who would benefit hugely from knowing the other side of the family - including you.

TheAwfulDaughter · 28/08/2013 21:31

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pictish · 28/08/2013 21:36

What about when his child comes to stay with dad?
Will she still be ok to have nothing to do with "it" then?

Chubfuddler · 28/08/2013 21:39

Awful you are overidentifying with this whole scenario to a quite strange extent. I don't know if you were aware of it but your last post really gave off a massive air of dislike towards this child that you don't even know. Even the op doesn't seem this riled.

Seriously, take a step back.

Chibbs · 28/08/2013 21:46

tough one OP. I would not be happy either.

cory · 28/08/2013 22:14

Bogeyface Wed 28-Aug-13 20:34:47

"The OP hasnt said that she would do that, just that she is gutted at how things have turned out and she is upset."

The shocking thing is not that she is gutted now- that is perfectly understandable.

The shocking thing is that she was not gutted as long as he promised to abandon the child.

How anyone could think that was acceptable is simply beyond me.

pictish · 28/08/2013 22:19

I agree. She knew all about the baby when they got back together, so it's not like she's getting over a shock.
She's upset because he won't pretend his own baby had never been born.

Jammee · 28/08/2013 23:50

Pictish, why would the child have to go to the dad's house? The dad could do to the child, and thus keep OP and her children separate, if that is what OP wishes.

The baby has a right to a relationship with its dad, not is half-siblings and certainly not the mother of said siblings.

awaywiththepixies · 28/08/2013 23:55

How can anyone be in a relationship with someone who wouldn't want to see their own child? Anyone who can do that is a freak in my book not the situation you find yourself in.

pictish · 28/08/2013 23:56

True...but it would be pretty weird to have his child banned from their home don't you think?
I do.

pictish · 28/08/2013 23:58

"Sorry darling...I'd love to have you over to stay, and to meet your siblings, but wifey says no."

Confused
Jammee · 29/08/2013 00:02

Not all children want a relationship with their half siblings. If the dad is committed and makes regular time for the baby; out and about, at the mother's house or with grandparents, OP and her children don't HAVE to be involved. It's about OP's children as much as it is the new baby.

Bogeyface · 29/08/2013 00:04

Cory, Pictish,

I get what you are saying but PP have rightly identified that this is more about her hoping this would all go away. So when he wasnt having anything to do with the child she could pretend it wasnt happening, but now she has to face up to reality and that is what is so gutting for her.

Its like someone pointing out the growing mole on your arm. You know its there but you ignore it, and then one day it becomes so big it can't be ignored and your doctor tells you it is cancer. You knew that all along, but having the facts suddenly staring you in the face is shocking, hurtful, frightening. Thats where the OP is now.

I am not saying its right, just that it is understandable.

A one night stand and she gets pregnant? Either un/lucky or it was a relationship on the burner either before/just after your break.

That is a very good point. Either he should have a DNA test to be sure, or front up to the fact that it wasnt just a ONS if he is so sure it is his child.

I do think that this child is nothing to do with the OP. Her child is its sibling and at somepoint she will have to accept her child and his child having a relationship (as they should), but I dont think that the OP should automatically be expected to embrace this child.

pictish · 29/08/2013 00:04

Ok then. Sounds like a barrel of shit to me, but I'm just a sentimental fool.