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Original poster

father'd a child??

173 replies

lovinmum123 · 28/08/2013 12:19

Hi all im new to this but would like some advice as im too ashamed to talk to my friends and family.
iv been with my partner for 9years and we have a 6year old together. We split up lastyear after going through a rough patch and in the months we wernt together he had a one night stand and the girl got pregnant. She messaged him and he told her to get rid of it but she didnt. We got back together with me knowing all this and then the baby was born this year and he wanted nothing to do with it but he's now paying for the baby and has now turned around and said he wants to see the child and i just can not cope. Im constantly crying im so hurt. I dont want him to see the child but who am i to stop him. I love him but not sure i can carry all this hurt around.i know its not the childs fault but he didnt ask for this but feels he should be a good person and be a dad to the child am i being selfish? Im just so confused and devastated..... :-(

OP posts:
GoingUpInTheWorld · 28/08/2013 14:43

There is nothing wrong with putting your own family and feelings first sometimes.

pictish · 28/08/2013 14:46

There is something very wrong with it when you would oversee the ahandonment of your partner's child in order to suit yourself!

Selfish.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 28/08/2013 14:48

Well i dont think theres anything wrong with the ops feelings

pictish · 28/08/2013 14:49

You wouldn't, because you are sefish too, so you think it's all fine.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 28/08/2013 14:50

Pictish

There is no need to be rude, just because i dont agree with your opinion.

LIZS · 28/08/2013 14:51

So it was ok him having fathered a child as long as he didn't see him/her. The fact that he now wants to makes it all the more real and I suspect you are more worried as to how contact with child and by association mother might develop. /was it really a one-off ? tbh I'm not sure where your relationship can go from here . Does your dd know about her half sibling for example. How will you handle Christmas, birthdays etc ?

pictish · 28/08/2013 14:53

I'm not being rude - I'm simply pointing out what selfish actually means, because you don't seem to understand it.

Viking1 · 28/08/2013 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 28/08/2013 14:59

Selfish in my book is someone who only thinks of themselves all the time.

If the op often put her own feelings and needs aside for other people but just didn't want to on this occasion then that doesn't make someone selfish because that are putting themselves and their family first this one time.

If the op always but her own feelings first on everything then that is selfish.

Op got back with her dp or dh when he was adamant he wanted nothing to do with the child. Now he has changed his mind, i dont think the op should have to put up with it as that was not what the original plan was

MissStrawberry · 28/08/2013 15:00

The poor child.

Minimum he needs to pay financially for his child. Access should only be with the baby's best interests the only reason. Your child is this child's half sibling.

You are being selfish but now you need to accept this is your new reality and if you can't face that then you will need to end the relationship with this man.

There was an identical thread so maybe search for advice there too.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 28/08/2013 15:00

That should say thats not what the op signed up for so to speak

pictish · 28/08/2013 15:03

You are clutching at straws now goingup.

LIZS · 28/08/2013 15:03

If you say you'll stay if he doesn't see the baby, chances are he will do so on the sly or you won't be able to trust him not to have contact.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 28/08/2013 15:03

Im not clutching at straws, thats just how it is in my mind

MissStrawberry · 28/08/2013 15:04

Are you really the sort of person who would deny a child her father, OP?

GoingUpInTheWorld · 28/08/2013 15:04

I agree with that LIZS

basgetti · 28/08/2013 15:06

OP if you cannot handle your DP seeing his child then you need to leave this relationship. You are an adult and have choices, this poor child had no choice in being born into this situation. It is selfish to put your own needs over those of an innocent child.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 28/08/2013 15:09

Op

If you do put your feelings aside in this, and allow dp to have contact with the child, then alot of resentment will build up, it will probaly change the way you see and feel about him. And i dont think your relationship will ever be the same again

Chubfuddler · 28/08/2013 15:09

Unfortunately for them what the op and her dp agreed to with regards to this child is not really relevant. The child has a right to her fathers financial support and to a relationship with her father.

This child may not be part of the ops family but she is part of the ops partners family.

Chubfuddler · 28/08/2013 15:10

And I say "unfortunately" in the most ironic sense possible obviously.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 28/08/2013 15:11

I understand what you are saying chub

But if something is agreed upon thats how things will be then its not fair to move the goal post, thats when people get hurt, and in this case, its going to be the op

basgetti · 28/08/2013 15:12

GoingUpInTheWorld

I would say the relationship is doomed anyway if it comes to a point where one partner is deciding whether to 'allow' the other to see their child. Why should the OP have the right to veto something so important?

Chubfuddler · 28/08/2013 15:13

Well life isn't fair. The child has done nothing wrong. The ops partner is belatedly stepping up to his responsibilities. The op either needs to deal with it or leave him. There isn't a third option.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 28/08/2013 15:17

Bas

I think it should be a joint decision between op and her partner.

When you marry someone, you are a unit/team so to speak. You should respect each others wishes and not just think you can do what you want regardless of the spouses feelings.

There needs to be a compromise somewhere, but in this situation i dont think theres going to be a compromise were everyone is happy

flowery · 28/08/2013 15:19

"Op got back with her dp or dh when he was adamant he wanted nothing to do with the child. Now he has changed his mind, i dont think the op should have to put up with it as that was not what the original plan was"

But she doesn't have to put up with it. She can leave him if she thinks him stepping up to his responsibilities is unacceptable.