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Original poster

father'd a child??

173 replies

lovinmum123 · 28/08/2013 12:19

Hi all im new to this but would like some advice as im too ashamed to talk to my friends and family.
iv been with my partner for 9years and we have a 6year old together. We split up lastyear after going through a rough patch and in the months we wernt together he had a one night stand and the girl got pregnant. She messaged him and he told her to get rid of it but she didnt. We got back together with me knowing all this and then the baby was born this year and he wanted nothing to do with it but he's now paying for the baby and has now turned around and said he wants to see the child and i just can not cope. Im constantly crying im so hurt. I dont want him to see the child but who am i to stop him. I love him but not sure i can carry all this hurt around.i know its not the childs fault but he didnt ask for this but feels he should be a good person and be a dad to the child am i being selfish? Im just so confused and devastated..... :-(

OP posts:

pictish · 29/08/2013 00:05

That was to jamee there.

pictish · 29/08/2013 00:07

It's a baby...not cancer! The two things are not comparable, and that was a very telling metaphor.

Bogeyface · 29/08/2013 00:08

Thinking further, how on earth do you explain to a 6 year old that they have a sister/brother, but not from mummy and daddy? How do you tell them that daddy had a baby with another lady?

I know that in an ideal world the OP would open her home, her heart and her family to this child but this isnt an ideal world. In reality there are emotions on all sides that mean that this Utopia may not be possible. Lets not forget the childs mother, she may not want the OP and her child to meet her baby. She has opinions and feelings too.

To reiterate, I am not saying the OP is right saying she doesnt want him to see the child, just that I can understand where she coming from when she says it.

pictish · 29/08/2013 00:08

Or was it an analogy? I always get those confused.

Bogeyface · 29/08/2013 00:11

Pictish The metaphor was about not wanting to face reality. A baby changes the lives of everyone involved, no baby more than this one I think! The OP couldnt accept the reality of her partner having a baby with another woman during their relationship (its conception aside) so she chose to ignore it. Its a reasonable metaphor I think, I dont believe I actually compared this baby to cancer and if you read that into it then that says more about you than me.

Bogeyface · 29/08/2013 00:13

Actually, it is an analogy, I get them confused too....or possibly at a push, a paradigm!

pictish · 29/08/2013 00:15

Perhaps. You chose a very negative analogy though...I couldn't help but comment on it.

I do inderstand what you mean, but I can't agree that her desire to sweep this baby under the rug is acceptable. I could not love someone that thought that was a reasonable expectation.

thecook · 29/08/2013 00:20

Abort the baby? Tell your husband to pay up. He played he pays

Bogeyface · 29/08/2013 00:20

If she said "its me or the baby. See that child and I will leave" then no, it wouldnt be acceptable. Wanting it to all go away is understandable. I think I would too (although like Awful I wouldnt have got back with him in the first place). Thats basically what my ex's wife said to my ex when they had been together a year or so, and given that they are now married you can figure out who he chose.

The analogy was negative yes, but I really cant think of anything that changes your life so much in the same way as a new baby that isnt negative. Life and death are the only things that change our lives in such dramatic ways, so I suppose only something negative,related to the other end of birth, is comparable as there is nothing that compares with new life.

Bogeyface · 29/08/2013 00:23

Sorry that should say "related to the other end of life from birth"

thecook · 29/08/2013 00:24

Abort the baby? Tell your husband to pay up. He played he pays

pictish · 29/08/2013 00:26

That is true Bogey - very true.

Lweji · 29/08/2013 00:27

Lets not forget the childs mother, she may not want the OP and her child to meet her baby. She has opinions and feelings too.

As long as the father has the baby unsupervised, the mother has no saying on who the baby meets. Like it or not.

This baby is the OP's husband's family, as are his parents, siblings, etc.

Obviously it's not ideal, but the baby is here and doesn't deserved to be treated like it doesn't exist.

I wonder what would happen should the situation be reversed.

Lweji · 29/08/2013 00:29

And how do you explain to a 6 year old?
The same way you explain when you split or anything happens.
6 year olds are usually more accepting than most adults.

Bogeyface · 29/08/2013 00:41

As long as the father has the baby unsupervised, the mother has no saying on who the baby meets. Like it or not.

There have been many many posts on MN from women who dont want their children to meet the OW. Mainly because their ex has known her for a long time but the OP has only just found out that she exists and wants to a) protect her children from getting to know someone who may not be around for long and b)protect her children from someone who clearly thinks more about herself that the children involved.

MN response? SINBU to tell him that the kids cant meet the OW yet. How is it different for the mother in this scenario. She knows nothing about the OP, she knows nothing about their child, she knows nothing about how the OP feels. No mother in her right mind would say "Oh ok, take my baby into your home with a woman and child who dont know her/him and may not like or want her/him"

Bogeyface · 29/08/2013 00:42

And as for explaining to a 6 year old, dont be so patronising! They are far more intelligent that most people give them credit for and being accepting doesnt mean that they wont think and worry about it.

Lweji · 29/08/2013 01:00

Although understandable, the main response to mothers who don't want the children to know the OW is that they can't control it.
Nothing different from what I said.

Of course 6 year olds are intelligent and worry about things.
However, if situations are presented properly without drama, it's not likely that it will be a big drama for them.

My DS went through a more complicated situation than finding out he had a little brother/sister and has come through brilliantly.

This 6 year old will have to know at some point that there is a sibling. Whether the mother accepts the baby or not.

Now, explaining a sibling AND yet another break up, sure that must be easier.

Lweji · 29/08/2013 01:02

And I wasn't patronizing children.

I didn't my DS. I explained what happened, he understood it. He asked questions, I explained.
No hiding or pretending that all was nice and rosy.

Do not underestimate children. Yes, they are more intelligent than you think.

Bogeyface · 29/08/2013 01:25

I have to say that telling a child that mummy and daddy are no longer together and then saying that the child has a sibling (after they have come to terms with the split) must surely be easier on the child.

And read the board to see evidence of children who have "come through it brilliantly" dealing with their past as adults. As children they accept what they are told, as adults they question things and that is where it gets complicated.

Lweji · 29/08/2013 02:03

But how will it be better for the child to deal with a break up and another sibling, even if they are told about each separately.
Surely it will be easier for the child to deal with a sibling within a stable family home.

And obviously it would be nice if children's lives were perfect and nothing bad happened.
But you can tell when a child has been more or less affected.
I'm sure my DS was affected, as this girl will, but he coped and is doing well (everyone says so, including a psychologist) and I'm sure this girl will be too if the parents don't make it more dramatic than it is.

So telling a 6 year old about a sibling out of marriage is not thar difficult and if done properly she will be absolutely fine.

Bogeyface · 29/08/2013 02:19

Surely it will be easier for the child to deal with a sibling within a stable family home.

And that is the issue. Neither child currently has this. So it really isnt that simple, despite both and I wishing that it is.

Bogeyface · 29/08/2013 02:20

both you and I wishing that it is

Lweji · 29/08/2013 07:21

Sigh

At the moment, the OP's DD has mum and dad at home.
Mum is throwing a fit because her DD's baby sibling was not ignored and rejected by her dad as the mum expected to.
Now, she may end up breaking up with the dad because she is jealous of this child of his.

One of the arguments was how do you explain to a 6 year old that dad has another child?

My argument is that if addressed properly children can easily cope with it.
That it will be better for her to deal only with the news of the sibling rather than with news of a new sibling and the news that her parents are splitting up (it doesn't matter if at the same time or not), or even finding out when she's older that her mum and dad could treat her sibling so appallingly as to ignore this child and lie to her about it.

In an ideal world bad or potentially upsetting things don't happen, but most adults and children can cope with them.
Finding out about a new sibling, even outside of their parents' mariage is not that bad.

So, my point is that OP's DD is not really the issue here.
It's mostly how she will find out that is the issue. Will it be dealt with by her parents together and welcomed into the family unit, that sadly is not "perfect" anymore, or will she have to deal with more than this issue too?

However, if OP's selfishness about this means that she'll treat her OH badly about this child, and should the child visit her home (as it would normally at some point) if she treats the child badly, then it's best if she leaves her OH.

Just hope for your child's sake that the roles are never reversed... and your now OH doesn't ignore your DD in favour of a new woman.

cory · 29/08/2013 08:26

But Bogeyface, can you imagine what it will be like for their 6yo to find out in years to come that he had a sibling but that he was never allowed to know about it because his mum said so?

Because sooner or later he will find out. And if he finds out as a teenager or an adult, that will destroy his trust in his parents and rewrite his childhood for him.

A child can cope with: "there was a time when you were little when mummy and daddy weren't together and then daddy was with another lady instead and this is your little brother" or, even more simple "you have a little brother who lives with his mum in another house".

But do you really think a teen could cope with "Yes, you do have a half-brother but I was so ashamed of that that I pretended he didn't exist. Yeah, tough on him, but your mum insisted".

(and the realisation that if it had been him born out of a transient relationship his father would have been ashamed of him and pretended he didn't exist).

I have known people who have found these things out later in life and it has destroyed them. Otoh I also know people who have managed to cope perfectly well with mixed relationships because their parents have been open and above board.

The OP, however hurt she is, is a mother. She has a responsibility towards her own child to make these things bearable to him, not to leave a ticking time bomb for him. It isn't just about her: her child matters too.

cory · 29/08/2013 08:28

Sorry Bogeyface, missed your 01:25 post. You said pretty much the same thing.

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